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Ended it with a guy as felt like I was cheating on my ex. Does this ever get easier?


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Posted
5 minutes ago, UnchainedCyclist said:

Thank you for the great advice!

On Sunday (before the drunk text) she asked me to call her the first night I was at the hotel abroad for work to show her the room?

Should I no longer do this? 

I think if you've contacted her last then it's fine to wait for her to reach out to you.  If she wants to hear from you she will reach out, just my opinion.

Posted

Talking about problems so early in the game is not a form of intimacy. Keep things light and fun and let things progress organically. Lets hope this isn't a rebound thing where she's throwing herself excitedly into something new to distract her from her ex. 

Posted

she sounds heavily invested in this situation with her ex, if she is in communication with his mother, and won't stop talking to him because he acts suicidal, and that they are even speaking at all.

she may honestly like you, but it sounds more like you're not the priority right now, and her telling you this negative stuff about her ex is probably only half-true, because we have no idea what the story is from his side.

take a deep breath and a step back, don't dive into this so quickly.

  • Like 1
Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, UnchainedCyclist said:

I think I'll message her later into the evening and ask if she wants to have it (as I know she has weekly dinner & games at her sisters every Tuesday evening)

But what should I do if she declines or doesn't even reply?

If she doesn't reply to your offer to show her the room, you accept that she's not interested in anything with you and move on.

 

Her not replying would mean that she's gone off of you after one conversation. Her replying would indicate some interest in continuing things. 

 

Edited by Kamille
Posted (edited)

I'd stop texting her and stop giving her your validation, and start seeing some other people. If she actually likes you, she'll come back. But, at the same time, don't stop texting her to manipulate her to coming back.

Edited by ccas93
Posted
2 hours ago, UnchainedCyclist said:

I actually asked how it was with him yesterday morning as he's been messaging saying mean things to her. She replied about how he needs therapy and that we don't need to speak about him

Yet, interestingly, she hasn't blocked him. Step back from this because getting caught in their crossfire won't help you in this case.

Posted

It doesn't sound to me like she's in the right head-space to be dating, if she's this wrapped up in ex drama. 

Posted (edited)

New poster here 🙂

I've been dating this girl for a month now, had about 5 dates, stayed over each others once. We're both 27. We have loads of shared interests, from backgrounds and life goals, to film, TV and stuff like that. She's told her family and best friends about me.

We were texting Monday afternoon when I recieved this from her:

You are so understanding about so many things. I don’t know why you put up with me and some days I don’t know why you like me at all. I’m trying really really hard to work myself out, for myself, but also because I don’t want to let a nice guy like you get away because I’m too mseed up to handle it, and you're so good for me. I don’t have great self esteem especially right now. But I’m working on it and I just want the time to be able to do that. I can only look after myself right now and am trying to minimise the responsibility I have in my life by having this safety net of ‘I’m single’. I’m not out ‘looking’ for anyone else, I just need to be morally conscious of only me right now. But please know that I don't want space so don't think that's what I'm asking.

No idea what to do about this, at the time I replied about understanding her situation but still enjoyed getting to know her so happy to keep seeing where things go. By the way, she's not actually done anything wrong, so not sure why she put the whole "putting up with me" part.

But since she sent that above message in bold, she's been less responsive (over the last month she's always replied every couple of hours, a morning text and a goodnight text) since sending that text, no goodnight or morning texts and leaving me on read. Could say it's coincidence, but as I'm the only one here that knows her, believe me when I say she's been so hot and cold. She's again left me on read the whole afternoon and into midnight but she's still online.

With her behaviour I'm going back to that message from her more and more and wondering if I'm waisting my time, or if I'm in fact just being played.

What should I say to her? I'm not even looking to "get her to reply", I just want to know what the heck is going on.

Should I just end this? I came out of a 4 year relationship 9 months ago so I'm feeling very rusty to dating lol

thoughts people of loveshack?

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language
Posted
13 minutes ago, S2B said:

Sit her down and tell her you are interested - but only if she gets some professional counseling to help her get more stable about how she feels about herself.

encourage her to do better for her own best interest.

if she continues to talk badly about herself - don’t continue seeing her. She has issues and should be working through them - FIRST.

she is warning you - she doesn’t plan to offer you much.

So what should I do in the meantime. 

I can already tell I've dropped down her list of priorities massively in a short period of time. She clearly said she doesn't want space but is acting like it's what she wants.

I kind of want to let her know how close I am to ending things. But not sure if that's to get a reaction or because I actually want to. In terms of that, it's 50/50.

Posted (edited)

My advice is say nothing, do nothing.

Whatever you do, don't go chasing her over the rainbow, she won't respect you.  Nor should you tell her you're on the verge of ending things, that is an emotional reaction which may be what she's aiming for in a manipulative way. 

The ball is in her court, let her come to you.  Her text was either a warning or some sort of test or both. 

Move on chatting with and meeting, dating other women, again the ball is in HER court.. 

If she doesn't come to you, then c'est la vie. 

 

Edited by poppyfields
  • Like 1
Posted
2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

My advice is say nothing, do nothing.

Don't go chasing her over the rainbow, the ball is in her court, let her come to you. 

Her text was either a warning or some sort of test or both. 

 

I completely understand your point. But I don't want to be left here in limbo while she gets her cake and eats it too.

I don't want to feel like I'm being played. It's making me sad

Posted
Just now, Potatocape said:

I completely understand your point. But I don't want to be left here in limbo while she gets her cake and eats it too.

I don't want to feel like I'm being played. It's making me sad

Then choose to walk away.  Quietly with no drama. 

I don't know what her game is but whatever it is, it's not good.  I mean she sends you this ambiguous confusing over-the-top text, then leaves you on read, acts hot/cold, come on man, aim higher. 

We teach people how to treat us. 

I'm sorry I know you like her but hopefully you like yourself too which means respecting yourself and not tolerating BS, which this is, imo.

I'm sorry.

 

 

 

Posted (edited)

You don't have to say anything.  If she backs off from communication, you back off.  You hit the ball over the net, now it's her turn. 

She doesn't sound like someone that you can be serious with right now, so don't be serious.  Live your life, if she messages you back soon keep it light, keep it fun, set up the next date and you don't need to worry about "where this is going" right now.  It's only been a month. 

I don't see her behavior as all that unusual to be honest with you, women aren't going to be red hot for you all the time, they sometimes cool off a bit for no apparent reason.  Just relax and let her come to you, don't chase.

Edited by dramafreezone
  • Like 1
Posted (edited)

She is saying, "this is all I can give right now."

Do you know what sparked this conversation, or did it seemingly just come out of the blue?

She’s probably trying to be honest. Further, she’s probably as confused as you are about what she wants.

Whatever her reasoning, she is speaking from experience when she says she is not ready to progress the relationship. She didn't express that explicitly, but what she wrote echoed that.

How does this impact you?

Well, if she has no intention of working on improving herself, her communication or intimacy, it won't work. That can't be the complete load on your shoulders. 

This is not your fight.

You cannot instill self-esteem in her. Only she can. Any effort you make to usurp her agency will be antithetical to building her self-esteem. How can she hold herself in high esteem if she constantly defers to you for decisions and support? She can’t.

Date around. Don’t rush into a “relationship” with anybody. If it happens, it happens. It may be with some other person or it may be this same girl at a different time and place down the road.

Edited by Alpacalia
  • Like 1
Posted
2 hours ago, Potatocape said:

I completely understand your point. But I don't want to be left here in limbo while she gets her cake and eats it too.

I don't want to feel like I'm being played. It's making me sad

You move on

 

dont sit in limbo.

 

what she text you was an elaborate it’s not you it me BS.

 

don’t know enough about her past to know if (1) she was on a rebound with you and not ready fir something serious, or (2) she wasn’t as interested in you, or (3)she met someone else/ old bf and they started dating.

  • Like 1
Posted

I don't think I would stick around for this, OP

It's only been 5 dates and she's already delivering confusing messages tossed in a weird verbal salad. For me, she's not in a place to have a relationship and this going to be a headache. 

  • Like 1
Posted
5 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

 

 

7 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

 

 

4 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

 

 

3 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

 

Thanks for your advice everyone.

Do I just send a message to cut ties then? 

I don't like to ghost, even if she is maybe ghosting me. We're adults after all so someone should be able to call it quits.

And to be honest I do find it hurtful what she's doing, especially as the day before she was saying (what she's always said for the last 2 weeks) that she's really into me and can't wait to get to know me more. She also said how she hated it (not aimed at me as I never did it, but in general) when she is ignored on messenger, so it's a double standard here too.

I understand why leaving the ball in her court and not messaging anything is something that people do, but I'm into her guys (like she apparently is with me), and I don't want to be thinking "what's happening" constantly. I've been so busy with work but this has been playing in the back of my mind all day and affecting my mood :(

Posted (edited)

Hey everyone I just heard back

She messaged saying:

I think I just need some space today, I've got a lot going on in the next couple days, with my house move and new job starting, not to forget going on a weekend retreat this weekend, so I dont want to be in a bad mood for that. I'm not angry, I'm just working things out and figuring out what I want so I can continue to be honest with you. I've also decided to remove my ex from the situation so that should help.

Appreciate the honesty.

I replied saying thanks for letting me know, I'm here when you're ready to talk.

Was that the right move? Either way I'm going to go about my day

Edited by Potatocape
Posted

I think your response to her was fine, but doesn’t  really matter either way. She’s not in a place to date in a healthy and happy way. 

What is this removing about her ex from the situation? What’s the story there? 

I would proceed as if this is done, because she’s got too unfinished emotional business within herself, and apparently with her ex as well. Abort mission, OP. Too much drama and too complicated. 

  • Like 2
Posted
10 hours ago, Potatocape said:

 month now, had about 5 dates, stayed over each others once. 

I don’t have great self esteem especially right now. I can only look after myself right now and am trying to minimise the responsibility I have in my life by having this safety net of ‘I’m single’. 

Ok, 30 days and 5 dates. Keep in mind dating is not therapy or social work.

Step back from this. She seems to be presenting a picture of confusion and using this as a canvas to paint her psychological problems on.

Step back from this. Reconsider dating anyone who's too "confused", "damaged" etc. 

 

  • Like 3
Posted (edited)

Listen carefully to what she says and understand that she isn't there yet. The situation she is in has clouded her view. She is in two minds.

If it changes, it will do so on its own time, not yours. 

Do not fall into the "friend" or "therapist" role.  

Once you’re in a role like that, it’s nearly impossible to get out of it.

Besides, doesn't it feel better when you find someone who feels for you from the very beginning?

No matter what is happening with her, it isn't your responsibility to prove to her why you're different from her ex. Nor is it your responsibility to gain her trust. That's her work. 

Don't worry about her; just take care of yourself. Hold no obligation towards her, date other people and hang out with other friends.

Edited by Alpacalia
Posted (edited)

She broke up with you. She did it in a very beta way to not hurt your feelings but it's still a breakup, and when she wrote again she reaffirmed it to you. I know men can't read between the lines but I'm telling you it's over. 

From the little bit of info you've given us seems she went into this very enthusiastically then it died, it's typical of people still mourning their ex. When she met you it felt good but you were not the right medicine. 

Let her go. It was just 1 month and 5 dates. Move on, don't play shrink, don't play the shoulder she can cry on or the friend she can talk to. Women don't grow sexual attraction for men that offer their shoulder to cry on. 

Edited by Gaeta
  • Like 2
Posted

I’d go back immediately to your previous dating patterns and see why you’re drawn to confused cases like this. If you have the desire to save people or white knight syndrome or stick around when you’re not getting much back in a relationship review that. You may be repeating old dating habits and in the process negating yourself or throwing yourself under the bus. It’s unattractive and people shy away from that as it seems inappropriate. 

She’s not ok to date. Move on and delete her contact after telling her it’s not a match. Wish her all the best and when you are ready to date or meet others again, don’t look for projects or confused individuals.

  • Like 1
Posted (edited)
11 hours ago, Potatocape said:

 

 

 

Thanks for your advice everyone.

Do I just send a message to cut ties then? 

I don't like to ghost, even if she is maybe ghosting me. We're adults after all so someone should be able to call it quits.

And to be honest I do find it hurtful what she's doing, especially as the day before she was saying (what she's always said for the last 2 weeks) that she's really into me and can't wait to get to know me more. She also said how she hated it (not aimed at me as I never did it, but in general) when she is ignored on messenger, so it's a double standard here too.

I understand why leaving the ball in her court and not messaging anything is something that people do, but I'm into her guys (like she apparently is with me), and I don't want to be thinking "what's happening" constantly. I've been so busy with work but this has been playing in the back of my mind all day and affecting my mood :(

I just don't know why you feel you have to "do" something at all.  It seems like you are putting way more into this than it warrants.  It's only been a month.  In her own convoluted way I think her first text was trying to say "slow down."   

Quite honestly I think she senses that *you* are getting way too invested too soon and she's not ready for it.  What makes me think that's the case is that when women are the ones that are more serious than you are they can't get enough of you, they call/text, and want to spend all of their time with you.  

In light of the recent events, I don't think she's unsually damaged or particularly in need of therapy or anything.  She basically wrote a long form of "it's not you it's me."   That usually means it's partially you.  I think once you got too serious then she had to get out of there.  The ex is also probably a part of this as well.   If she still has an attachment to him, then you can't really compete with that until that attachment is gone.  That's all the more reason not to pressure, just play it cool and be the fun, cool guy, not the one pushing for a relationship after a month.

I know you like her but doing more stuff or feeling you have to fix the situation if she's gone cold for a few days isn't going to help your cause.

Edited by dramafreezone
  • Like 1
Posted

She's  probably not playing you, and you probably don't need to be patient, either.

She's not in the right space to be a good prospect for a relationship.   So move on.  

  • Like 3
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