Ended it with a guy as felt like I was cheating on my ex. Does this ever get easier?

[UnchainedCyclist]

Hey everyone! Looking for some advice.

I've (30m) been dating this girl (30f) a while. Me matched in Tinder mid-March and have had three dates since. After the first date she told me she found me very attractive. Third date this weekend she stayed over mine, had incredible sex then we had breakfast in the morning. There she told me she was really into me, which I said I liked her too! Sunday night she actually told her friends and family about me too! And made sure to say that I'm not a rebound (she had a 6 month relationship end in Jan 2022)

Monday night (yesterday) I had a few too many drinks (and some sad news about a friend), and via texting I brought up where she was at (after all she kept saying she was really into me so thought to ask if she was speaking to other guys). Eventally what came became a serious conversation, which ended with her saying she's really really into me but she's not ready to become 'exclusive' because she's still processing a few things from her bad break-up in January. She wants to take it slow as she doesn't want to jump back into a relationship, but still really wants me.

Today she's been quite distant so far. We texted a bit but then told her let's catch up after my trip as maybe she needed space (as I'm working abroad for two days) but I meant my trip that day (as I'm heading to a day-long networking session), not the whole time I'm away, so I deleted that message and wrote it again correcting myself (but she had seen the previous message) and normally throughout getting to know her she's been so chatty and super responsive everyday but today she's gone super cold on me.

Any advice? We clicked really well and have so many things in common, from tv and film, to hobbies, food and life goals.

Can this be saved or have I well and truly put my foot in it?

Thanks and appreciate any advice!

[chillii]

Man , if that's all it takes to shut her down then you'd be dodging a big one, l mean comon especially her being supposedy so into you. Maybe she's busy or something.

[UnchainedCyclist]

29 minutes ago, chillii said:

Man , if that's all it takes to shut her down then you'd be dodging a big one, l mean comon especially her being supposedy so into you. Maybe she's busy or something.

And advice on what I should do? Maybe she's just annoyed rather than shutdown I dunno

[glows]

She’s not ready to be exclusive. How did her response to your question about speaking with other men make you feel? 

Granted, that is not a conversation that’s meant to happen over the phone either. You seem emotionally attached and she isn’t ready for as much as you need. 

 

[UnchainedCyclist]

6 minutes ago, glows said:

She’s not ready to be exclusive. How did her response to your question about speaking with other men make you feel? 

Granted, that is not a conversation that’s meant to happen over the phone either. You seem emotionally attached and she isn’t ready for as much as you need. 

 

Tbh I was more shocked than anything else as she was saying a lot about how much she was into me. Her culture is quite different, and that 'exclusivity' and 'being in a relationship' are the same where she's from compared to the UK here.

Again about the emotional attachment, the fact she was saying all that made me think she was really into me.

We had originally said we'd have a call during my first night here so I can show my hotel room and tell her about the city I'm in, as she's always wanted to visit here - do I still have that call?

[glows]

6 minutes ago, UnchainedCyclist said:

Tbh I was more shocked than anything else as she was saying a lot about how much she was into me. Her culture is quite different, and that 'exclusivity' and 'being in a relationship' are the same where she's from compared to the UK here.

Again about the emotional attachment, the fact she was saying all that made me think she was really into me.

We had originally said we'd have a call during my first night here so I can show my hotel room and tell her about the city I'm in, as she's always wanted to visit here - do I still have that call?

Has she responded to your texts? If she hasn’t then don’t call her. She knows you don’t like her talking with other men. You continuing to pursue this without equal input from her or effort is inappropriate. You mentioned she’s cold towards you so take a moment to think about things instead and whether you want to continue pursuing this. 

She can be into you but she may not be looking for the same thing you are (an exclusive relationship). 

[UnchainedCyclist]

2 minutes ago, glows said:

Has she responded to your texts? If she hasn’t then don’t call her. She knows you don’t like her talking with other men. You continuing to pursue this without equal input from her or effort is inappropriate. You mentioned she’s cold towards you so take a moment to think about things instead and whether you want to continue pursuing this. 

She can be into you but she may not be looking for the same thing you are (an exclusive relationship). 

Thanks for your comments. 

The thing is that she said she's tired of wanting to get to know someone else and dating and she's really happy getting to know me. The exclusivity part is more about not ready to settle into a relationship, rather than speaking to other men.

[glows]

1 minute ago, UnchainedCyclist said:

Thanks for your comments. 

The thing is that she said she's tired of wanting to get to know someone else and dating and she's really happy getting to know me. The exclusivity part is more about not ready to settle into a relationship, rather than speaking to other men.

I’m not sure what’s the complaint about being tired of getting to know someone else as it sounds like she’s burnt out and settling. I’d be so turned off by a comment like that it would halt me in my tracks.

You seem to enjoy her company so see where this goes. Imo, you are much more into her than she is into you. Dial it back a little and see that she puts more effort into seeing you and communicating with you before you jump with both feet in. 

[UnchainedCyclist]

8 minutes ago, glows said:

I’m not sure what’s the complaint about being tired of getting to know someone else as it sounds like she’s burnt out and settling. I’d be so turned off by a comment like that it would halt me in my tracks.

You seem to enjoy her company so see where this goes. Imo, you are much more into her than she is into you. Dial it back a little and see that she puts more effort into seeing you and communicating with you before you jump with both feet in. 

When I said tired of getting to know someone, that's in terms of her getting to know someone else that isn't me, as she's really happy getting to know me.

So should I not message her at all? Or should I wait some time/do it in the morning?

I remember her saying she wanted me to let her know how my first day working abroad went/show hotel room - do I still do that?

[glows]

Just now, UnchainedCyclist said:

When I said tired of getting to know someone, that's in terms of her getting to know someone else that isn't me, as she's really happy getting to know me.

So should I not message her at all? Or should I wait some time/do it in the morning?

I remember her saying she wanted me to let her know how my first day working abroad went/show hotel room - do I still do that?

I responded to that earlier when asked whether she has responded to your messages. You didn’t answer my question. If she isn’t responding to you, don’t keep contacting her. 

If you both have no issues communicating and she wants to be with you you wouldn’t be hesitating about whether to call her. 

 

[UnchainedCyclist]

6 minutes ago, glows said:

I responded to that earlier when asked whether she has responded to your messages. You didn’t answer my question. If she isn’t responding to you, don’t keep contacting her. 

If you both have no issues communicating and she wants to be with you you wouldn’t be hesitating about whether to call her. 

 

The message I sent wasn't a question or anything, it didn't need an answer tbh as it was just a correction rather than having a conversation for the sake of conversation if you catch my drift. 

Sometimes I don't reply to her if there's no conversation to come out of it, and then she'd double message later on with a new topic, just the way we interact I suppose

[smackie9]

On the other side of the coin, You just met this girl, things were positive and on an up swing, then in your drunken mess you start being insecure, talking about serious thing....that's a turn off. 

If some new guy started in on me about if I was talking to other guys after me telling him I was into him, having great sex and excited so much I told my family about him...I would punt him to the curb. This is a red flag IMO. Everything was fine, but you start questioning her. Fail. 

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, UnchainedCyclist said:

Eventally what came became a serious conversation, which ended with her saying she's really really into me but she's not ready to become 'exclusive' because she's still processing a few things from her bad break-

Translation:  She's not 'ready' to lose the attention and validation she receives from other men on Tinder or wherever else.  

She may be 'into' you (enjoys your attention and sex) but apparently not enough to give it up and focus on you. .

She needs validation from other men like she needs air to breathe. Trust me, I have friends like this.  

My advice?  Walk away. Focus on women with high interest.  She doesn't. 

This "not ready" BS is just that - BS. 

And get off Tinder, find a higher quality app if you want higher quality women.

Edited April 12, 2022 by poppyfields

[Kamille]

In your shoes, I would keep the "hotel room show" date. I like a reliable person and if you don't keep that 'date', you'll look fickle and unreliable. Maybe text her asking if she's still into seeing the room. If she agrees, great, you can talk about your day during the call. If she doesn't want to do it or doesn't reply to that, you know where you stand - and that's good information to have.

Asking for exclusivity while drunk, in a mood and by text wasn't ideal. Now you're feeling vulnerable. I understand what you mean when you say that you believe that for her exclusivity = being in a relationship. I think she's wise in wanting more time before making a commitment. It's only been three dates. Try to slow down as well. 

Edited April 12, 2022 by Kamille

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, UnchainedCyclist said:

Me matched in Tinder mid-March and have had three dates since. made sure to say that I'm not a rebound (she had a 6 month relationship end in Jan 2022)

 ended with her saying she's really really into me but she's not ready to become 'exclusive' because she's still processing a few things from her bad break-up in January

Sorry this happened. She may be on/off and probably is still talking to him. Unfortunately when someone avers that "they are not on the rebound" it's a red flag.

[Alpacalia]

35 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

If some new guy started in on me about if I was talking to other guys after me telling him I was into him, having great sex and excited so much I told my family about him...I would punt him to the curb. This is a red flag IMO. Everything was fine, but you start questioning her. Fail. 

On this point, I tend to agree.

I had been smitten with this one man for a while that I was dating, and I began falling for him, I told my friends and family all about him. I chose not to see anyone else without him having to "ask me."

The minute he started questioning me, everything went downhill.

This is a bit different, however, as she is telling you that she is still processing a bad break-up so she does not want to jump right back in. 

It would have been fine for me to be "exclusive" or whatever he asked because I already was in my heart and mind.

So, I don't believe this woman is quite there yet OP.

 

Edited April 12, 2022 by Alpacalia

[glows]

38 minutes ago, UnchainedCyclist said:

The message I sent wasn't a question or anything, it didn't need an answer tbh as it was just a correction rather than having a conversation for the sake of conversation if you catch my drift. 

Sometimes I don't reply to her if there's no conversation to come out of it, and then she'd double message later on with a new topic, just the way we interact I suppose

Then yes if you say you’ll do something, do that. Call her and if it goes to voicemail leave a short voicemail and touch base the following morning. 

She still seems hung up about her ex. I wouldn’t stick around for this, personally. It’s up to you if you want to wait.

Edited April 12, 2022 by glows

[UnchainedCyclist]

52 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. She may be on/off and probably is still talking to him. Unfortunately when someone avers that "they are not on the rebound" it's a red flag.

I actually asked how it was with him yesterday morning as he's been messaging saying mean things to her. She replied about how he needs therapy and that we don't need to speak about him, and she only wants to speak about me

[UnchainedCyclist]

33 minutes ago, glows said:

Then yes if you say you’ll do something, do that. Call her and if it goes to voicemail leave a short voicemail and touch base the following morning. 

She still seems hung up about her ex. I wouldn’t stick around for this, personally. It’s up to you if you want to wait.

Her ex has been messaging mean things to her so it's making her feel sad

[UnchainedCyclist]

56 minutes ago, Kamille said:

In your shoes, I would keep the "hotel room show" date. I like a reliable person and if you don't keep that 'date', you'll look fickle and unreliable. Maybe text her asking if she's still into seeing the room. If she agrees, great, you can talk about your day during the call. If she doesn't want to do it or doesn't reply to that, you know where you stand - and that's good information to have.

Asking for exclusivity while drunk, in a mood and by text wasn't ideal. Now you're feeling vulnerable. I understand what you mean when you say that you believe that for her exclusivity = being in a relationship. I think she's wise in wanting more time before making a commitment. It's only been three dates. Try to slow down as well. 

I think I'll message her later into the evening and ask if she wants to have it (as I know she has weekly dinner & games at her sisters every Tuesday evening)

But what should I do if she declines or doesn't even reply?

[UnchainedCyclist]

58 minutes ago, Kamille said:

In your shoes, I would keep the "hotel room show" date. I like a reliable person and if you don't keep that 'date', you'll look fickle and unreliable. Maybe text her asking if she's still into seeing the room. If she agrees, great, you can talk about your day during the call. If she doesn't want to do it or doesn't reply to that, you know where you stand - and that's good information to have.

Asking for exclusivity while drunk, in a mood and by text wasn't ideal. Now you're feeling vulnerable. I understand what you mean when you say that you believe that for her exclusivity = being in a relationship. I think she's wise in wanting more time before making a commitment. It's only been three dates. Try to slow down as well. 

Could she really go off me during that conversation yesterday evening? After saying she was really keen and into me and telling her family and friends about me - or is this her needing space?

[glows]

I think you already know the fact that she’s still speaking with her ex or that he has any emotional effect on her to that extent means that you’re a rebound and a distraction. Sadly you’re too attached to her to see that and are just hoping for the next call or text or when you see her next. 

This doesn’t look good so play it by ear. I think you want this to work so badly that you’re not seeing the issues before you.

You can try contacting her but be prepared that it doesn’t work out anyway now or later. She seems too involved with her ex bf to be present with you.

[UnchainedCyclist]

2 minutes ago, glows said:

I think you already know the fact that she’s still speaking with her ex or that he has any emotional effect on her to that extent means that you’re a rebound and a distraction. Sadly you’re too attached to her to see that and are just hoping for the next call or text or when you see her next. 

This doesn’t look good so play it by ear. I think you want this to work so badly that you’re not seeing the issues before you.

You can try contacting her but be prepared that it doesn’t work out anyway now or later. She seems too involved with her ex bf to be present with you.

Feel like I need to give some backstory. He's been saying stuff like he'll do something stupid to himself if she doesn't reply to him. She's been talking to his mother about getting him help before she cuts things off with him as she doesn't want that guilt on herself.

I know talking about exclusivity when she was in a sad mindset probably didn't help much yesterday, both her and myself

We had loads of fun and she associated me with fun and happy times, and I'd like to do what I can to get us back to that stage, but understand it takes two

[dramafreezone]

3 hours ago, UnchainedCyclist said:

Hey everyone! Looking for some advice.

I've (30m) been dating this girl (30f) a while. Me matched in Tinder mid-March and have had three dates since. After the first date she told me she found me very attractive. Third date this weekend she stayed over mine, had incredible sex then we had breakfast in the morning. There she told me she was really into me, which I said I liked her too! Sunday night she actually told her friends and family about me too! And made sure to say that I'm not a rebound (she had a 6 month relationship end in Jan 2022)

Monday night (yesterday) I had a few too many drinks (and some sad news about a friend), and via texting I brought up where she was at (after all she kept saying she was really into me so thought to ask if she was speaking to other guys). Eventally what came became a serious conversation, which ended with her saying she's really really into me but she's not ready to become 'exclusive' because she's still processing a few things from her bad break-up in January. She wants to take it slow as she doesn't want to jump back into a relationship, but still really wants me.

Today she's been quite distant so far. We texted a bit but then told her let's catch up after my trip as maybe she needed space (as I'm working abroad for two days) but I meant my trip that day (as I'm heading to a day-long networking session), not the whole time I'm away, so I deleted that message and wrote it again correcting myself (but she had seen the previous message) and normally throughout getting to know her she's been so chatty and super responsive everyday but today she's gone super cold on me.

Any advice? We clicked really well and have so many things in common, from tv and film, to hobbies, food and life goals.

Can this be saved or have I well and truly put my foot in it?

Thanks and appreciate any advice!

First, don't ever drunk text.

Next, don't ever ask her about other guys.  There is not a way for it to come across as anything but you being insecure about your standing with her and you wanting to get more serious.  Whenever I hear "I'm not ready" it means that you're pushing too much.

I think you were in great shape before the drunk text.  I hate to pile on but that was a huge error.  Give her space.  Since you've texted her last don't text again, you'll only make things worse.  If she comes back she'll do it on her own timeline, but you have to limit damage at this point.

Edited April 12, 2022 by dramafreezone

[UnchainedCyclist]

2 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

First, don't ever drunk text.

Next, don't ever ask her about other guys.  There is not a way for it to come across as anything but you being insecure about your standing with her and you wanting to get more serious.  Whenever I hear "I'm not ready" it means that you're pushing too much.

I think you were in great shape before the drunk text.  I hate to pile on but that was a huge error.  Give her space.  Since you've texted her last don't text again, you'll only make things worse.  If she comes back she'll do it on her own timeline, but you have to limit damage at this point.

Thank you for the great advice!

On Sunday (before the drunk text) she asked me to call her the first night I was at the hotel abroad for work to show her the room?

Should I no longer do this?