cheated on, ask me questions, if I'm wrong ill admit

[Tmax]

1 year ago, easter to easter, I found that my wife was messaging another guy. I was devastated. we've had alot of back and forth since then and fall outs, I've tried to feel better about it.

we have 2 kids, been married for 10 years now, together for about 16 yr.

since the first finding, I have found more, my gut always tells me and I've always been right. 

from speaking to my wife, she was not happy at the time and says this is the reason. she says nothing physical happened, just talking, videos, pics etc.

I don't believe her

ive started having the gut feeling about the physical side now

I admit to all of my faults, I've been angry, kicked off, never ever physical toward my why wife, I would never ever do that, but I've punched a door, wall.

she never admits to her flaws, we have mutual friends I've fell out with before they hear my side 

 

end of the day, I've said, this isnt the actual full story could write an anthology, I've not given the full story, but the facts I feel you need 

she cant stop lying 

Edited April 15, 2022 by Tmax

[FMW]

You think she's a liar, you don't trust her, you don't think she takes responsibility (admits her flaws).  I'm not sure there's anywhere to go from here other than ending the marriage. 

What have you done or what do you plan to do about your gut feeling?  Are you continuing to talk with her about it, are you interested in marriage counseling together? What is your goal in posting - just venting, getting advice, or opinions?

You aren't going to be happy together if you don't trust or respect her.  

[Tmax]

I continue to to talk about it. I've mentioned counselling 

There is more too it. I didn't handle being a new dad very well, I s*** myself. 

My wife has been an anorexic ,(recovering now) for about 5 to 6 year, I also didn't handle that well, I admit that. This was after roughly 7 year together, but I never cheated.

As I said it's very complicated, most of the time it's not been been my wife, it's the other mental side. 

But a year of messages etc, is a long time

 

I love my wife, my family, my kids

But I'm hurting, I see people taking advantage of her at her lowest when shes craving the attention, but it happened and it hurts 

1.  

[stillafool]

Maybe you could try marriage therapy but she has to stop whatever is going on with the other guy first and be honest with you.

[basil67]

She she cheats and you've demonstrated some appalling behaviour.  Why are the two of you still together?  Serious question. 

[glows]

What causes your anger to the point of punching walls? Do you drink in excess or any alcohol or drugs involved? It may not be a big deal for you since you’ve never hit her directly per say but any form of violence, force or aggression translates to instability and feeling no safety at all around you. Sometimes it takes awhile for someone to wake up and realize being around a violent or aggressive person is that damaging to be around. 

She seems to have checked out of the marriage. If you choose to stay you’ll have to live with the fact that she did at one point or could continue to opt to be closer to or develop some emotional intimacy with someone else. Your aggression may play a huge role in the way things are now.

[basil67]

To add to what @glows wrote about aggression, we don't need to lay a hand on a person to really scare them.  And when a person scares us, we naturally build up walls of defense.  

 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Tmax said:

  I've punched a door, wall.

There's no excuse for cheating, but there's no excuse for terrorizing your children with your angry violent outbursts.

You don't belong together. It's that simple. 

[picaso3183]

I discovered my ex of 8 years had an affair while we tried for our first baby. I discovered this 2 weeks after her birth. She too initally denied it was sexual. I did some digging ( which drove me mad ) and discovered the truth.

 

The thing is with affairs - people only admit what you can prove. I stopped looking for the "truth". For me a line had been crossed.

As hard as it was I left her, moved back with family until I could buy a new house ( luckily the ex bought me out of our shared home ).

I was not prepared to be that person arguing and beings agressive. It was done and my daughter was the important thing.

I feel your pain but do not become the aggressive partner. She is in the wrong and ypu need to walk away now. Focus on yourself and kids. Rent for a while, if she truely loves you and is sorry she will attempt to win your trust again. Then it is up to you to decide. Good luck. It will get easier 

[stillafool]

Yes cheaters trickly truth so you have no idea what actually went on between your wife and these other guys.  The fact that you have anger issues will especially prevent her from being totally truthful with you.  I get the idea that it was more than one guy and excuse me if I'm wrong.  Just because you love her and have kids with her doesn't mean you belong together.  There is happiness for you out there somwhere.

[salparadise]

You need to figure out if she's trickle-truthing or giving you the full story. If there's still a lot that she's not telling then you basically have no place to begin in terms of putting it all back together, reestablishing trust, etc. You need more than gut instincts. Do you know if she was actually meeting up with the guy(s)? Like others said, you need to set the anger aside and use your brain to figure things out rationally. First thing I'd probably do (since talking hasn't worked) is get access to her phone and use one of those text recovery programs to see what has been deleted. That will tell you whether she's being mostly forthcoming, but it could also blow the whole thing sky high... so make sure you're ready if you go that route. I'm sorry you're in this situation and wish you the best.

[mark clemson]

If you're truly unhappy and/or simply don't trust your spouse anymore there is always the option to leave. (Not a recommendation per se, but you certainly have the option to do so as do we all.)

IF the punching a wall is a once in a blue moon only type of thing (e.g. perhaps 1 time every 5 years) it may be less of a big deal (IMO). If it's more frequent then it's a pattern. Both my wife and I have punched walls and she and have both even broken doors off hinges. BUT these are VERY rare events, happening perhaps 5 times in well over 20 years, so we live with them. Under normal circumstances we de-escalate our occasional conflicts much more "cleanly". If either of us was doing this more often, I'd be thinking twice about staying together.

What are you looking for here? No one can tell you with certainty whether she went physical or not or confirm/deny your instincts/suspicions. You don't need to admit you're wrong, we all have faults but she's the one who cheated, which is probably the biggest damaging factor (assuming the intense arguments/wall punching stuff is VERY rare here and you don't vent on her routinely). She was unhappy, but she could have chosen e.g. marriage counseling instead.