Stret Posted April 16, 2022 Posted April 16, 2022 1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said: Actually, he's not "trying to figure out how to make you happy". He is hurting you and he is deprioritising you. He has you focused on hating his sister and in a mental catfight with her. He is passive aggressive. Hiding behind all this . That's because it suits him. You're tolerating total disrespect from him by being banned from his house and tolerating horrible treatment from him such as having to cuddle in a car outside. His sister isn't treating you like a hooker who's not allowed in the house. He is. Your BF is the problem. He treats you terribly. You need to stop focusing on his sister. Agree with this 100%. If he is able to keep his GF in a car in order not to upset his sister by "shoving his relationship into her face", which he thinks would happen if he merely brought his GF into his own house, then he cares more about childish and the most unreasonable of his sister's feelings over his GF justified feelings and how he treats her. He needs to have intuition about his relationship being destroyed, or at least some common sense, to go forward. He is one of those people who will obey to everyone who treats him badly and prioritise their feelings in order to avoid trouble for himself. "Nice" people are often fundamentally selfish. He is being good to his 30 year old sister who is using him and abusing the situation, and he is being very disrespectful to his own GF who is kind enough to try and understand this craziness and put up with it for the sake of their relationship. I recognise my young self in OP and it is a painful place to be. OP, take care of yourself. X 2
smackie9 Posted April 16, 2022 Posted April 16, 2022 I can see why you love your BF...he has a big heart.... but to a fault. He's a pushover, and this dynamic in his family is bred into him. He's been pushed around by his family since day one. That's why he can't see past his nose. This sort of thing is normal for him. Unfortunately he is more concerned keeping his family happy. Psychologically he fears the fallout from them if he goes against their wishes, and so he sacrifices your relationship with his lack of spine. He's way too locked in, so it's time for you to walk out. You are a smart girl, you know you deserve better than this. You can see the writing on the wall this won't get any better. 1
Acacia98 Posted April 16, 2022 Posted April 16, 2022 (edited) I think you're dealing with a problem that is way above your paygrade, VirtuallyMe. This is a family with serious problems. There is something wrong with every single one of them, including your boyfriend. It's a very dysfunctional family dynamic. I say this so that you understand that removing his sister from the situation would not "fix" things. You would not be able to have a normal relationship with your boyfriend because he doesn't know how to have a normal relationship. Maybe he could eventually learn how to through counseling and a lot of work on himself. But he's a very long way from knocking on a therapist's door, isn't he? In addition, mental illness could be a factor in his sister's case. Based on what you say about hygiene, the state of her room, bathroom etc., my first guess is that she is struggling with something but has never been diagnosed. Lord knows what else is going on with the other family members. Just seems like there's a lot happening there that has not been addressed, and their lives are so intertwined that the situation is entirely hopeless for an outsider such as yourself. You should end this relationship. Your boyfriend doesn't have the capacity to truly be a boyfriend to you. I think you gave it your best shot. Two years is a long time to be dating someone and sneaking around like teenagers without any space to call your own and without any prospect of your relationship developing into something solid and more permanent. So you shouldn't feel guilty about walking away. You could encourage him to consider counselling, though. For his own sake. Edited April 16, 2022 by Acacia98 2
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