When your boyfriend and his sister . are too 'close'

[VirtuallyMe]

Hey guys, hoping to get some opinions on what I have observed in the relationship between my boyfriend and his sister ... because I'm at my wit's end, and considering leaving.  He's 27 ... sister's 30 and they live in a house they bought together.  She's a COMPLETELY self-obsessed person who ONLY thinks of herself, is a COMPLETE pig ... and I mean PIG.  She's so disgusting and hasn't cleaned her own bathroom for months ... it's so bad that it's literally more disgusting than a gas station toilet!  She's been fired from TWO jobs in the last 4 months ... and she doesn't contribute to the mortgage.  She also gets my boyfriend to pay for all utility bill AND groceries ... claiming she can't afford to pay for any of it .. but then ... she goes and gets her hair done ... nails and eyelashes ... AND goes on an expensive wine tour with her friends (INCLUDING buying a new outfit!).  Meanwhile, my bf is paying for everything and is often telling me we can't go out for dinner or do anything, because he can't afford it.  HE'S PAYING HER WAY ... as well as his own.  And if that wasn't enough ... she walks around the house half naked ... no bra ... SHORT shorts that show EVERYTHING!!!  She lays claim to his clothes, including expensive clothes that I've bought him!!!!  I found multiple items strewn around her bedroom, which ... mind you ... is ALSO the master bedroom complete with ensuite! while my boyfriend get's a tiny room!  The parent's, well ... the MOTHER, treats her like she's the golden child, while my bf is just there to support her and pay her way.  Oh ... BOTH parents are working.  Father's income is well over $100,000 and the mother basically works for "fun" earning at least $50k ... yet when bf's sister had to have her car fixed ... MY bh had to give her $800!!!!!  TO make everything worse ... despite the fact that my bf has paid for 90% of the mortgage ... when and if they sell the house ... according to the parents' INSISTENCE, they have to split the money EQUALLY!!!

I am so distressed ... I can't sleep ... I'm often crying ... and yet, he's stuck and doesn't know what to do about any of it.  It's an endless battle.  Please ... does anyone agree that this is entirely wrong???  I'm often wondering if I'm just wrong because I'm an only child and can't relate to the brother/sister dynamic ... but it just seems so weird ... 

... I feel like I'm the extra wheel ... and THEY'RE married or something ... it's bizarre.

anyway ... thank you all for your thoughts xo :))  Any ideas on what I should do would be greatly appreciated xo

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, VirtuallyMe said:

 He's 27 ... sister's 30 and they live in a house they bought together. my bf  is often telling me we can't go out for dinner or do anything, because he can't afford it. 
I am so distressed ... I can't sleep ... I'm often crying ... It's an endless battle.

How long have you been dating. Your BF is the problem, not his sister, so all you can do is cut your losses.

See a physician about your mental and physical health. Mention the insomnia and crying . Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist.

[VirtuallyMe]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been dating. Your BF is the problem, not his sister, so all you can do is cut your losses.

See a physician about your mental and physical health. Mention the insomnia and crying . Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist.

Thank you Wiseman2 ... I appreciate your concern xo.  We've been dating for about 2 years.  But we don't spend a lot of time together.  His sister has had a few failed relationships, so he doesn't like having me at their house because he doesn't want to rub it in her face that we're in a relationship.  Quite often, after we've been out for the day or night, we end up curled up in his car out the front of the house for a couple of hours to avoid making her feel uncomfortable.  He's too considerate, yet she is so ungrateful.  We've been doing this for nearly 2 years.  However, recently, she started dating this guy ... and one night, while my bf and I were parked outside the house and just curled up together, his sister's boyfriend ... walked out the front door ... in his underwear ... to take out the garbage!!!  A guy she'd only been seeing for 3 weeks.  Meanwhile ... girlfriend of 2 years is having to sit in the car for two hours after a night out ... NOT allowed inside!  Oh God ... this sounds so bad .. .andI've put up with it :((((((.  It's so hard ... I love hiiiim :(((((((

Thank you for your suggestions btw ... I really DO need to see someone about this.  It's caused me so much unhappiness.  I feel like I'm not a priority in his life.

Thanks again xo

[Gaeta]

Break up and move on to a man better suited to you. You will never ever win or even have your point come across with him. It's a loss cause. People never wins against family.

[VirtuallyMe]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

Break up and move on to a man better suited to you. You will never ever win or even have your point come across with him. It's a loss cause. People never wins against family.

Gaeta, thank you for saying that.  I've been reading about going up against family all day today ... and it seems you're right.  Have read the same thing everywhere.  Thank you for reinforcing my findings ... 

Really appreciate your advice xo

[Stret]

It's tough when partner's family creates issues. 

Your BF (sorry to say this) seems like a ball-less door matt. If he cannot bring his GF of 2 years to the house that he pays for not to upset his sister, then there is something off. From my own experience with similar issues, he is a lost cause and this will create more issues for you in the future - he is already made to be this way and ponder to her every whim. He never questions anything because those were the family dynamics his whole life and probably he cannot even understand that it is not normal. 

A man should be able to protect his GF and prioritize her in these kinds of situations. But the way he is treating you (and himself) is demeaning. Let him to do it to himself but draw your line and don't allow him to treat you that way. You don't have to sit in that car. He can move out of the house, rent a small place of his own where you two can enjoy, and leave his sister to pay mortgage for the house. There are always some options if he wants to pursue them. But he might feel ok with the situation and his role in the family, he might rather put up with something he doesn't particularly like rather than confront her. He will never confront anyone to protect you if this is how he is. Not sure if that bothers you - it would bother me but people are different. 

Take care of yourself first and don't fall into trap of becoming his "mother", protective over him in this situation. He should be able to do it himself. 

[VirtuallyMe]

4 minutes ago, Stret said:

It's tough when partner's family creates issues. 

Your BF (sorry to say this) seems like a ball-less door matt. If he cannot bring his GF of 2 years to the house that he pays for not to upset his sister, then there is something off. From my own experience with similar issues, he is a lost cause and this will create more issues for you in the future - he is already made to be this way and ponder to her every whim. He never questions anything because those were the family dynamics his whole life and probably he cannot even understand that it is not normal. 

A man should be able to protect his GF and prioritize her in these kinds of situations. But the way he is treating you (and himself) is demeaning. Let him to do it to himself but draw your line and don't allow him to treat you that way. You don't have to sit in that car. He can move out of the house, rent a small place of his own where you two can enjoy, and leave his sister to pay mortgage for the house. There are always some options if he wants to pursue them. But he might feel ok with the situation and his role in the family, he might rather put up with something he doesn't particularly like rather than confront her. He will never confront anyone to protect you if this is how he is. Not sure if that bothers you - it would bother me but people are different. 

Take care of yourself first and don't fall into trap of becoming his "mother", protective over him in this situation. He should be able to do it himself. 

Oh Stret ... you have me crying!!  You have mirrored EVERYTHING I have been thinking!!  Thank you SO much!!!  I have been so distressed all day ruminating over what's been going on ... and I'm so thankful I found this site.  Thank you SOOO so much for reinforcing my thoughts.  I am so grateful! xox (omg EVERYTHING is so spot on!!!) ❤❤❤

[dramafreezone]

What do you want him to do?  Ditch his sister that he's known for 27 years for you?  How do you think he would feel if he heard the way you talk about her?  

I think your choices are pretty simple, either accept the situation as it is or leave.  The family and the BF are a package deal.  You have to co-exist with family if you want to build a life with someone, you cannot make him choose between you and them, regardless of what you think of their character/habits/etc.  That's up for him to do without imput from you.

I have several brothers and sisters.  I'm actually not super close to them but would be highly offended if I heard someone speak in a derogatory way about them, or suggest that I cut ties or something else.  I'd say it's none of their concern.  This is one thing that if you don't have siblings it's tough to understand.  I'm not even saying you're wrong but there is a very powerful attachment between siblings and immediate family members.

If you try to criticize his sister or any other family member of his that will not work out in your favor, and they'll probably hear about it eventually.  So like I said, this one is pretty simple, either learn to accept the family or leave.

Edited April 15, 2022 by dramafreezone

[VirtuallyMe]

Edited April 15, 2022 by VirtuallyMe
Wish we could delete posts! :(((

[dramafreezone]

You can request a moderator to modify your posts I think and close the thread. 

I hope my post did not frighten you.  There just does not seem to even be a baseline level of respect between you and the family so tough to imagine how you could co-exist as part of a long-term partnership with your boyfriend.  I suspect you already know this but really care for your BF and don't want to lose a great guy.  The BF and the family are a package deal though, so may need to find a better package.  Good luck.

[Weezy1973]

Agree with the others. You're not going to change anything, so either you accept it (which most people wouldn't be able to), or you break things off. Interesting that everything has pretty much been about his sister, and pretty much nothing mentioned about him. Like what is so great about him that you've put up with this for 2 years? Or is it that you're self-esteem isn't great and you're afraid this is the best you can hope for?

[VirtuallyMe]

10 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

You can request a moderator to modify your posts I think and close the thread. 

I hope my post did not frighten you.  There just does not seem to even be a baseline level of respect between you and the family so tough to imagine how you could co-exist as part of a long-term partnership with your boyfriend.  I suspect you already know this but really care for your BF and don't want to lose a great guy.  The BF and the family are a package deal though, so may need to find a better package.  Good luck.

Thank you for that.  I'll try doing that.  And you're absolutely right.  Unfortunately, I was so emotional and had been crying for the better part of the day that I wrote before really thinking.  I was so desperate for some advice, that I just spilled my heart, without considering consequences.  I don't share any personal details about my life with anyone and thought this page would be safe.  Most of my friends come to ME with their problems.  I tend to just listen and try to help ... but keep my own problems to myself.  I guess I assumed my thread could easily be deleted. 

And you're right again - my boyfriend IS a great guy, and I really don't want to lose him.  We have the same cultural and religious background and can connect on so many levels, but his sister's behavior has become unbearable.  But she's the golden child.  No matter how much she messes up her life, the rest of the family have to swoop in and save the day.  She's never made to face her responsibilities so therefore she's always going to cause problems.  She's never struggled, or learned anything from her mistakes, or matured, because the parents have mollycoddled her.  This is not a progressive situation where I can see light at the end of the tunnel. The entire family is feeding the monster and she's getting more and more selfish and incapable of putting anyone else's needs ahead of her own.  Her brothers can't always be there to pay her way.  They will all eventually have families of their own, and they need to become a priority.  This is why I feel like I will never be a priority.  Nor will our own children.  I hope you can understand.  I didn't mean to speak so derogatorily about her.  It's just that I get so upset because every day there's something new.  Recently, she asked for money for a holiday.  Someone who had no job, who can't afford daily living expenses shouldn't be asking for money for a holiday!  She needs to grow up and realise she's an adult and has to pay her own way through life - not be a burden on those who need to pave their own way in their own lives.  I know the importance of connecting with your partner's family and striving to have a healthy relationship, but this girl is impossible.  I know I have to make a very painful decision.

Thank you though, for your thoughts - and no, you didn't frighten me at all. I was grateful for your perspective❤

[VirtuallyMe]

24 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Agree with the others. You're not going to change anything, so either you accept it (which most people wouldn't be able to), or you break things off. Interesting that everything has pretty much been about his sister, and pretty much nothing mentioned about him. Like what is so great about him that you've put up with this for 2 years? Or is it that you're self-esteem isn't great and you're afraid this is the best you can hope for?

Hi there, thank you also for your thoughts.  I have realized more and more that I'm NOT going to change things, and that their family dynamic has been around a hell of a lot longer than my addition to the family.  I haven't really mentioned much about him, I guess, because I love him and he's just trying to make everybody happy.  He's stuck in the middle and doesn't know how to change the status quo.  I've put up with it for 2 years, because , aside from the issues with his sister, we're very happy together.  We have the same belief system, we are from the same cultural background, which makes my parents really happy.  We connect on so many issues that are important to us.  The biggest problem is the sister.  It's becoming more and more of a deal breaker as life goes on.  And no, I'm not a glutton for punishment because my self-esteem is low.  We love each other.

Again ... thank you :))

[BaileyB]

You are not going to change the family dynamic here. These are long standing relationships… not going to happen. Time to say good bye. 

[VirtuallyMe]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

You are not going to change the family dynamic here. These are long standing relationships… not going to happen. Time to say good bye. 

Thank you.  I'm working through trying to figure it all out.  I love him very much, but I know it will cause profound problems in future.  I just need to go through the motions before making that decision.  Thank you for your reply :))

[BaileyB]

25 minutes ago, VirtuallyMe said:

He's stuck in the middle

He’s not really stuck in the middle though. If he wanted things to be different, he would make it different. He hasn’t, which means that he’s ok with things as they are. 

Not many sibs move out to live with and financially support their siblings. If he made a different decision, she would move home and her parents would support her - no doubt. 

 

[VirtuallyMe]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

He’s not really stuck in the middle though. If he wanted things to be different, he would make it different. He hasn’t, which means that he’s ok with things as they are. 

Not many sibs move out to live with and financially support their siblings. If he made a different decision, she would move home and her parents would support her - no doubt. 

 

Sooo right.  I guess when I say he's stuck in the middle, he's just trying to figure out how to keep us both happy, without hurting anyone or making anyone feel less important.  I do appreciate what you said, that if he wanted things to be different - "he would make it different".  Sometimes, seeing things in black and white, and as it is factually, is the best option.  I guess I have been living in hope and putting up with more than I should have.

[BaileyB]

38 minutes ago, VirtuallyMe said:

I guess when I say he's stuck in the middle, he's just trying to figure out how to keep us both happy, without hurting anyone or making anyone feel less important.

Got ya! I’m sorry, I interpreted that to be stuck in the middle between his sister and his parents.

Look, he is a 27 year old man who has been dating a woman for 2 years. It’s not unreasonable for you to expect that he will be moving her out and moving you in… my brother did that, he was living with three friends when he met his future wife - it wasn’t long before they were moving out and she was moving in…

If they own the home together, he can either buy her out her share and/or put the home on the market. It seems a foolish decision to buy a home with your sister when you are in your late 20’s and dating another woman… not if you have any intention of having your own relationship, your own family, your own life. I couldn’t imagine making such a decision with my brother. 

If he wanted to make it so, he would make it so. It’s not like she would be despondent - I’m sure her old bedroom is available at her parents home. 

I say - it’s time for a really honest discussion about boundaries and the future of your relationship… and if things don’t change, I would be done. 

Edited April 15, 2022 by BaileyB

[Lotsgoingon]

I'm sorry but the truth here is quite evident: you have to dump this guy.

A relationship that close between odd sister and bf is dysfunctional, thoroughly so. Her walking around without clothes on at times--that's wildly strange and inappropriate. 

And it's not "the sister" that is the problem. BF is an adult. Most 27-year-old guys would not be living with their sisters. And if they are, you want to see a really healthy relationship between bf and the sister. He's paying for everything--that's codependent, immature and just full of red flags.

It's hard when someone we like--that we can experience great moments with (I assume you and bf do have these moments)--turns out to have this horrible flaw. But this is not fixable. People like your bf can go their entire lives in this kind of dysfunction. Part of becoming an adult is achieving some separation from your family. 

This won't work. What's been your hesitation about leaving? 

Edited April 15, 2022 by Lotsgoingon

[BaileyB]

2 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

And it's not "the sister" that is the problem.

No, it’s his inability to set a healthy boundary with his family. And that will come back to you again and again OP - when you get married and his mother wants to make all the decisions, or when you have a child and his family oversteps and interferes, etc… Healthy relationships have boundaries - 

[stillafool]

Have you actually sat your bf down and told him how it makes you feel sitting out in the car making out right in front of his house, yet his sister's bf is allowed to come in?  That would have been the last straw for me and his sister would not be the one I'd be angry with, but him.  I think you need to stop worrying about how the family coddles the sister and just focus on your bf's actions.  You're probably going to have to eventually break up with him because she is his sister and will be in his life no matter how many gfs or wives he accumulates.  You said "her brothers" so she has more than him and if she's the only girl she is adored.  You won't be able to change their feelings about her or how they treat her.

[glows]

I don’t think living with siblings is that strange of an idea. I’ve never considered it personally but it’s not unheard of. He may be paying for the majority of the mortgage now but was it their parents who put down the down payment for both of them to co-own? Her skimpy clothing reads as a young person with little boundaries. I don’t think there’s any deeper intention behind it. 

It’s unlikely you’ll be able to change the dynamics but I’d want to understand the dynamics a bit more. The house doesn’t sound like it started off as his or intended as his so there’s no reason to assume that it’s his. The initial intention may have been that the property remains as an investment which stays within the family, shared by family. If he wants his own home or to start a family they sell, split the proceeds or buys out his sister. He’ll likely have to purchase another one on his own terms when he marries or settles down with his own family. 

About hanging around outside and not going in I think your boyfriend may be afraid of his sister gossiping or doesn’t want to deal with the animosity or potential issues having you both in the same room. I have no doubt she can sense how you feel. 

If you want to see a future with him I think you’ll need to try to understand his situation in his view and possibly neutralize the way you think about his sister, her behaviour, their parents or the property. 

As for her behaviour as a person, you’ll have to decide whether you can close one eye and work on better boundaries with your boyfriend as your relationship progresses. The focus is really on your relationship together and how well you both work as a couple and agree on the same things or your future together. 

Edited April 16, 2022 by glows

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, VirtuallyMe said:

 he's just trying to figure out how to keep us both happy, without hurting anyone or making anyone feel less important

Actually, he's not "trying to figure out how to make you happy". He is hurting you and he is deprioritising you.

He has you focused on hating his sister and in a mental catfight with her. He is passive aggressive. Hiding behind all this .

That's because it suits him. You're tolerating total disrespect from him by being banned from his house and tolerating horrible treatment from him such as having to cuddle in a car outside.

His sister isn't treating you like a hooker who's not allowed in the house. He is.

Your BF is the problem. He treats you terribly. You need to stop focusing on his sister. 

Edited April 16, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Calmandfocused]

Part of your distress is the fact that you are desperately trying to fix this and the fact is you can’t. As much as you want to help to solve this situation there is absolutely nothing you can do. 
 

There is one person who can change this situation  and that is your boyfriend. No one else. 
 

He needs to stick up to his sister and his parents but the fact is he won’t. Furthermore if he’s happy to let his sister dictate and control his life, and he’s happy to financially support her that is his choice. 
 

Unfortunately your presence in his life has not triggered him to change anything. Rather, he simply expects his relationship with you to “work around” the relationship he has with his sister. For that reason you will never be the centre point of his life. His sister is and will continue to be. 
 

So you’ve got a choice: a) accept the situation as it is, or b) finish the relationship. 
 

You’ll see I’ve not mentioned the option of ; “hang in there and hope it changes in the future” Sorry but that won’t happen. You’ve been with him for 2 years. If that was an option it would have happened by now. 
 

 

[Alpacalia]

Okay, so a few questions.

How did you come to know your boyfriend's parents' income?

When his parents' house is sold, how do you know what is split between the children?

I'm not sure, but this sounds a bit off.

What exactly is your boyfriend telling you?

It seems you're feeling this way because you think your boyfriend and his sister share a stronger bond than you do with him, and you're not able to match that. 

Your man is not what you need, so you are finding reasons to feel jealous of her. Address that separately. She is not affected. You and your boyfriend are the only ones affected. What you want, he does not seem to want. 

May I suggest framing this question in the sense of 'what do I need to ask for myself' rather than in the sense of 'what is she getting that I am not'. The difference in semantics might seem trivial, but it makes a big difference in how you view and approach the problem.

 

 

Edited April 16, 2022 by Alpacalia