Scotty Riggs Posted April 15, 2022 Posted April 15, 2022 I recently went on a first date at a woman's apartment. It was good conversation and she was clearly into me, but I didn't feel physical attraction. By the end, we were sitting close together, and as I wanted to head home, I had a quiet moment before half-joking that I often struggle to transition into a smooth departure. She asked if I was going to kiss her before I leave, to which I paused, and with a smile said I'd sleep on it. She swiftly got up and politely let me out. I gave her a hug before departing, and later texted her thanking her for the drinks and saying I enjoyed meeting her and wished her well. I didn't get a response. I realize that by its nature, dating is a messy endeavor. I don't regret moving on, but I felt a bit guilty, like I should have given her a pity peck on the lips when she prompted me, instead of stiff pass. Would that have been a smoother middle-ground response, or am I unreasonably shaming myself? How would you have responded?
ccas93 Posted April 15, 2022 Posted April 15, 2022 7 minutes ago, Scotty Riggs said: I recently went on a first date at a woman's apartment. It was good conversation and she was clearly into me, but I didn't feel physical attraction. By the end, we were sitting close together, and as I wanted to head home, I had a quiet moment before half-joking that I often struggle to transition into a smooth departure. She asked if I was going to kiss her before I leave, to which I paused, and with a smile said I'd sleep on it. She swiftly got up and politely let me out. I gave her a hug before departing, and later texted her thanking her for the drinks and saying I enjoyed meeting her and wished her well. I didn't get a response. I realize that by its nature, dating is a messy endeavor. I don't regret moving on, but I felt a bit guilty, like I should have given her a pity peck on the lips when she prompted me, instead of stiff pass. Would that have been a smoother middle-ground response, or am I unreasonably shaming myself? How would you have responded? nope, you did the right thing. now continue the search for a woman you do want to kiss. 3
ExpatInItaly Posted April 15, 2022 Posted April 15, 2022 43 minutes ago, Scotty Riggs said: Would that have been a smoother middle-ground response, or am I unreasonably shaming myself? This. Kissing her when you're not attracted to her would have sent all kinds of the wrong message, and you'd have a much harder time explaining to her why you don't want to have another date. Instead, she seems to have got the message and understood there's no spark for you. 5
Wiseman2 Posted April 15, 2022 Posted April 15, 2022 5 hours ago, Scotty Riggs said: I recently went on a first date at a woman's apartment. It's just poor planning, that's all. Had you met for a brief coffee/drinking somewhere this scenario wouldn't happen. Next time be wary of going to someone's house on a first meet. 4
Weezy1973 Posted April 15, 2022 Posted April 15, 2022 It was awkward because you were at her place for a first date. But not kissing someone you’re not interested in is definitely the right call. 4
stillafool Posted April 15, 2022 Posted April 15, 2022 8 hours ago, Scotty Riggs said: but I felt a bit guilty, like I should have given her a pity peck on the lips when she prompted me, instead of stiff pass. Why? If a woman didn't want to kiss a man and got pissy about it he would be in the wrong. She is acting entitled. Don't kiss someone because of guilt. 1
Author Scotty Riggs Posted April 15, 2022 Author Posted April 15, 2022 4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: It's just poor planning, that's all. Had you met for a brief coffee/drinking somewhere this scenario wouldn't happen. Next time be wary of going to someone's house on a first meet. Yeah, I did find the choice of environment odd. And the thin cloud of guilt has passed. Thank you. 1 hour ago, stillafool said: If a woman didn't want to kiss a man and got pissy about it he would be in the wrong. She is acting entitled. Don't kiss someone because of guilt. I think her reaction was okay. Maybe a bit curt, but reasonably polite. She definitely took a chance with her question, and it didn't go in her favor. Would have been nice to get a response to my text, but I'm not surprised and feel pretty ambivalent. This might open another can of worms, but considering how strongly she identifies as feminist, it could be considered ironic that she flat-out prompted me to kiss her, whereas it would not be acceptable for a man to behave the same. She must have simply been overconfident and read me wrong. 1 1
glows Posted April 15, 2022 Posted April 15, 2022 It was fine not to kiss her but decline at home dates this early. I’m thinking you’re more bothered by it after the fact than she might be. She was direct with you and I’d expect the other person to be expecting the same so no big deal. 2
Author Scotty Riggs Posted April 15, 2022 Author Posted April 15, 2022 2 minutes ago, glows said: It was fine not to kiss her but decline at home dates this early. I’m thinking you’re more bothered by it after the fact than she might be. She was direct with you and I’d expect the other person to be expecting the same so no big deal. I'm fine. It was just weird to reflect on in the immediate aftermath. And I agree the home date was odd. Thank you.
glows Posted April 15, 2022 Posted April 15, 2022 25 minutes ago, Scotty Riggs said: I'm fine. It was just weird to reflect on in the immediate aftermath. And I agree the home date was odd. Thank you. Not sure why it’s odd? It seems a bit obvious it was an invite for casual/ no strings sex. Did you not get that vibe? 1
serial muse Posted April 15, 2022 Posted April 15, 2022 (edited) I don't think you did anything wrong by not kissing her. But I don't understand what you mean here: 1 hour ago, Scotty Riggs said: considering how strongly she identifies as feminist, it could be considered ironic that she flat-out prompted me to kiss her, whereas it would not be acceptable for a man to behave the same. What's wrong with a man or woman asking for a kiss? The unacceptable thing would be to force it, but of course she didn't force anything. You said no, she accepted it, and showed you out. The end, right? Everybody behaved well. Why's feminism being invoked? Edited April 15, 2022 by serial muse 1
stillafool Posted April 15, 2022 Posted April 15, 2022 58 minutes ago, Scotty Riggs said: but considering how strongly she identifies as feminist, it could be considered ironic that she flat-out prompted me to kiss her, whereas it would not be acceptable for a man to behave the same. I know this and it's not fair. She deserved the rejection. Plus if she was the one who wanted to kiss you she should have went for it instead of asking you if you were going to do it and then get angry when you don't want to kiss her.
stillafool Posted April 15, 2022 Posted April 15, 2022 11 hours ago, Scotty Riggs said: I gave her a hug before departing, and later texted her thanking her for the drinks and saying I enjoyed meeting her and wished her well. I didn't get a response. She was definitely upset because of the kiss. 1
Author Scotty Riggs Posted April 15, 2022 Author Posted April 15, 2022 (edited) 23 minutes ago, serial muse said: Why's feminism being invoked? I mean for a man to straight up ask a woman for a kiss would be less socially acceptable than for a woman doing so. Not wrong or immoral. It's just a thought. You might disagree, and that's fine. 38 minutes ago, glows said: Not sure why it’s odd? It seems a bit obvious it was an invite for casual/ no strings sex. Did you not get that vibe? Honestly, no. For one, her dating profile largely indicates the opposite (emphasis on a relationship/love and no interest in casual sex). Also, her housemate was home. When the weather soured, we cancelled her first idea to go for a walk. The next day, she asked me to come over for wine and help her assemble a desk. She divulged quite a history of trauma to me and is extremely transient (new to town), and maybe that has disoriented her dating intentions. It's just speculation, but life can put people in strange circumstances and lead to mixed behaviors and intentions. It wouldn't be the first time I've encountered this, so I'm not offended. To be frank, I want a LTR and make that my upfront intention, but in my frustration with a lack of success, I might be open to something casual if it felt right. So I try to be empathetic about others' mixed behaviors in dating. Edited April 15, 2022 by Scotty Riggs
Author Scotty Riggs Posted April 15, 2022 Author Posted April 15, 2022 (edited) 21 minutes ago, stillafool said: I know this and it's not fair. She deserved the rejection. Plus if she was the one who wanted to kiss you she should have went for it instead of asking you if you were going to do it and then get angry when you don't want to kiss her. I'm not so bothered by her asking, and I'm okay with my response now. I felt bad for her in the immediate aftermath, but I'm at peace. I think she read me wrong, took a risk, and came up short. Honestly, her asking first probably saved us some trouble. If she would have just gone in for a kiss, I probably would have accepted it for a few seconds. Edited April 15, 2022 by Scotty Riggs
glows Posted April 15, 2022 Posted April 15, 2022 7 minutes ago, Scotty Riggs said: I mean for a man to straight up ask a woman for a kiss would be less socially acceptable than for a woman doing so. Not wrong or immoral. It's just a thought. You might disagree, and that's fine. Honestly, no. For one, her dating profile largely indicates the opposite (emphasis on a relationship/love and no interest in casual sex). Also, her housemate was home. When the weather soured, we cancelled her first idea to go for a walk. The next day, she asked me to come over for wine and help her assemble a desk. She divulged quite a history of trauma to me and is extremely transient (new to town), and maybe that has disoriented her dating intentions. It's just speculation, but life can put people in strange circumstances and lead to mixed behaviors and intentions. It wouldn't be the first time I've encountered this, so I'm not offended. To be frank, I want a LTR and make that my upfront intention, but in my frustration with a lack of success, I might be open to something casual if it felt right. So I try to be empathetic about others' mixed behaviors in dating. Choose then individuals who are a bit clearer minded and less confusing. I think you’re making too many excuses for her. It seems like she’s in the midst of a move and transition and she is going through some personal issues. There’s a difference between being vulnerable and genuine and completely veering off into the deep end due to unresolved issues/trauma or making someone the brunt of that. Maybe you were already turned off by her but you’re too nice to admit it. Either way you tried but it didn’t work and that’s ok. It’s not uncommon not to have much chemistry in first meets. Good that you’re not limiting yourself but why care for casual when you can find what you really want with a little patience. 1
ShyViolet Posted April 15, 2022 Posted April 15, 2022 A pity kiss or a pity anything when you know you're not into the person is never a good idea, and doing the person no favors in the long run. You might give them a false impression that you actually are interested when you are not. It was a mistake to have a first date in her home. First dates should always be something very casual and in a public place like meeting for coffee, where you have an easy "out" if it turns out you're not into the person. 2
Happy Lemming Posted April 15, 2022 Posted April 15, 2022 12 hours ago, Scotty Riggs said: How would you have responded? True story... man! I'm not making this one up. Many years ago, I had a first date with a woman... It wasn't at her apartment, we met at this restaurant. As the evening progressed, (and she had a few drinks in her) she told me she worked for the federal government in one of their labs. Then she talked about experiments they did on monkeys in this lab, at which point she said "I really shouldn't have told you that, please forget I said it" The rest of the evening, I was picturing myself being captured and tortured in her lab because she slipped up and told me about the monkeys. I couldn't concentrate on anything else and the fear level kept going up and up in my brain. I just wanted to run away. After dinner, I paid the bill and walked her to her car, she leaned in for me to kiss her (good night) and I leaned backwards and just shook her hand and said "It was really great meeting you... bye" and I got out of there. If something in your brain, says RUN... you run. If it says, don't kiss this woman, then don't do it. That little voice in your head is there for a reason, it keeps you from ending up on some table in the basement of a government laboratory next to the monkeys. 1 1
Author Scotty Riggs Posted April 15, 2022 Author Posted April 15, 2022 1 minute ago, ShyViolet said: A pity kiss or a pity anything when you know you're not into the person is never a good idea, and doing the person no favors in the long run. You might give them a false impression that you actually are interested when you are not. It was a mistake to have a first date in her home. First dates should always be something very casual and in a public place like meeting for coffee, where you have an easy "out" if it turns out you're not into the person. Thank you. I agree. Perhaps her mindset was in a place between serious and casual, wanting to find someone with a compatible and pleasant personality but also open to diving into something fast.
Author Scotty Riggs Posted April 15, 2022 Author Posted April 15, 2022 1 minute ago, Happy Lemming said: If something in your brain, says RUN... you run. If it says, don't kiss this woman, then don't do it. That little voice in your head is there for a reason, it keeps you from ending up on some table in the basement of a government laboratory next to the monkeys. Wow! Yeah, I also noticed she's on the dating site a lot, frequently changing her photos. And she tweets like crazy, many times a day to no real audience. That's off putting.
serial muse Posted April 15, 2022 Posted April 15, 2022 (edited) 56 minutes ago, Scotty Riggs said: I mean for a man to straight up ask a woman for a kiss would be less socially acceptable than for a woman doing so. Not wrong or immoral. It's just a thought. You might disagree, and that's fine. LOL, as a woman and a feminist, I really do disagree. For one thing, these are two separate questions - what's "socially acceptable" and what's "feminist". On the first, I can't speak to what someone more conservative in terms of gender roles might consider socially acceptable - but I'd imagine that if you're into traditional gender roles, then you care about who does the asking. But isn't that the exact opposite of what a feminist would want? So, on the second, I don't think asking anyone for a kiss - whether a man or a woman does it - is in any way not socially acceptable to a feminist. What's not socially acceptable to a feminist (and really this is hopefully true for anyone) is not taking no for an answer. Just an FYI. Anyway, as I say, it sounds to me like everyone did the appropriate thing in this story, so bravo all round. Edited April 15, 2022 by serial muse 1
dramafreezone Posted April 15, 2022 Posted April 15, 2022 (edited) 13 hours ago, Scotty Riggs said: I recently went on a first date at a woman's apartment. It was good conversation and she was clearly into me, but I didn't feel physical attraction. By the end, we were sitting close together, and as I wanted to head home, I had a quiet moment before half-joking that I often struggle to transition into a smooth departure. She asked if I was going to kiss her before I leave, to which I paused, and with a smile said I'd sleep on it. She swiftly got up and politely let me out. I gave her a hug before departing, and later texted her thanking her for the drinks and saying I enjoyed meeting her and wished her well. I didn't get a response. Did you know that you were not physically attracted to her before the date? First I think that a woman is probably pretty into you if the first date is at her *home*. That is unusual. Many times women want to avoid letting any stranger know where they live. You shouldn't do anything you don't want to do. Unless she was just offensively unattractive (which I don't know how that would be the case if I agreed to a date) then yes I would've kissed her. It sounds like you could've hooked up and I would've done that too. Sounds like she was all systems go on that front. Nothing wrong with not kissing and not hooking up. It's just odd that you didn't know the situation (or what seems obvious to me). On the few occasions where a first or second meet up was at her home, 100% of the time at least a makeout session happened. Of course you didn't get a response, you rejected her. She was embarassed. Edited April 15, 2022 by dramafreezone
Happy Lemming Posted April 15, 2022 Posted April 15, 2022 13 minutes ago, Scotty Riggs said: And she tweets like crazy, many times a day to no real audience. That's off putting. That is a little bit more than off-putting!! Please tell me she doesn't work for the Federal Government... (LOL) 2
Wiseman2 Posted April 15, 2022 Posted April 15, 2022 1 hour ago, Scotty Riggs said: I mean for a man to straight up ask a woman for a kiss would be less socially acceptable than for a woman doing so. That's ok. Next time you can date smarter and meet in a pub/coffee shop for a brief first meet.. You never know. Men get set up for crimes too, or she may have been a dude or whatever, yes extreme possibilities but it underscores why you should control the first meet better for many reasons. If a first meet goes well, you can always see more of each other again.
Author Scotty Riggs Posted April 15, 2022 Author Posted April 15, 2022 5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Men get set up for crimes too, or she may have been a dude or whatever, yes extreme possibilities but it underscores why you should control the first meet better for many reasons. If a first meet goes well, you can always see more of each other again. She wasn't a dude. But I agree on all other points. Thank you. 1
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