Should I chase / run after this guy?

[Berta123n]

 

I met this guy 4 years ago at work.
At the time I was involved with another coworker, and everyone knew.
But this other guy and I got along really well, we had really good talks an laughed a lot until one day he just kissed me. We had this really beautiful thing for weeks, were we secretly met and just kissed and talked and honestly, I never felt anything like that.
As I said, I was with this other guy and it was like friends with benefits but for some reason I actually moved in with him (crazy stupid times).

But this thing kept going. Until one day I was at work and he came in (he worked in the same company, different location) and told me infront of everyone to pack my stuff and come with him to his store. I was super shocked, didnt know what to do or say, I felt really overwhelmed. So I pulled him aside, told him to cut the crap and leave. He asked me why, and said he thought I liked him. I told him into his face that I do, but that I like this other guy more. It sound like the most stupid s*** ever, but I felt so scared for some reason, like this guy didnt mean it, like I was going to be hurt or wasnt going to be good enough for him. And I didnt know what else to say to get out of this situation.
I saw in his eyes that I really hurt him and he left. I went after him later, we didnt really speak about it, kissed again. After a few times he told me that we have to stop this and we did.
Somehow I stayed with that first guy, a terrible manipulating narcissist for 4 years and we had a child.

A few weeks ago, my ex and this guy met, which is how he found out that we broke up.
He texted me a few days later, told me he also had a child in the meantime and isnt with the mother anymore. He wanted us to meet with the kids, which eventually didnt happen, we met alone.
And it was like no time had passed. We talked, I felt butterflies, we kissed a lot and I felt like everything finally fell into place. He told me we will meet again in two days. He even called me to ask if I got home safely and told me again he is looking forward to seeing me again.
Two days later he didnt turn up, I tried to call and everything, but all I got was an excuse that he overslept 2 hours later.
From this point the texts got less intimate, he was actually talking about the weather and taking hours to reply. At one point I told him that I thought his behaviour wasnt so cool after standing me up, I expected some form of “I am sorry this happened, lets meet again at this day”. This is when he stopped replying completly. I send him a heartfelt text and later even a long voice note telling him about my feelings back then. I gotta say, he mentioned that incident in out recent meeting, but I couldnt even remember it, because I actively forgot it, since it felt so horrible. Maybe that hurt him.

I just dont understand this. Like, this happened two weeks ago and if this was some random tinder guy that decided to ghost me, I probably wouldnt even think about it anymore. But I cant get him out of my head.
Last time I saw him he told me what shop he works at now at what times. I dont know if he expects me to come there or if I would make myself completely ridiculous if I turned up there. I just feel like I have to do something. And I feel like this wasnt just a case of lost interest. It may have been revenge (f***ed up) or he is expecting something.
I know I should just get over it and not chase a guy but I simply cant stop thinking about it now, after successfully forgetting all the parts that hurt me and just remember it like a really nice thing that happened once.

Id be happy to read your opinion on this very twisted thing.

Edited April 13, 2022 by Berta123n

[stillafool]

I'm sorry you're hurt.  I think he at first was curious about you, contacted you to catch up but in between time lost interest.  It happens. Some  people don't want to go backwards.  No you shouldn't chase him because it will hurt you to be rejected again by him.  If he wants you he knows how to reach you so just wait and see if he contacts otherwise just move on.

[Berta123n]

Honestly, of course I would want to get with him.
But more than anything I want an answer to why he did this.

[stillafool]

Just now, Berta123n said:

Honestly, of course I would want to get with him.
But more than anything I want an answer to why he did this.

You mean why he made a date to get together with you and your child and then didn't follow through? 

[glows]

He doesn't care. It's as simple as that. You might have been the it girl at one point with two men after you but you burnt both bridges. Be careful with the company you keep as you were in an abusive relationship prior. If you're all mingling in similar work circles he may be hesitant to pick up where you both left off and he doesn't want the leftovers of another man's relationship that didn't work out. He may also have other issues on his mind that have nothing to do with you. 

Stay focused on being a good mother to your child, stay away from abusive men and people who breadcrumb you. Be more cautious about your company and how you treat others also. It's a small world and people talk. Date someone else when you're ready. 

Edited April 13, 2022 by glows

[Berta123n]

I mean, why would he hit me up after 4 years and tell me he missed me, is happy we found each other again and all that. I doesnt make sense. If he lost interest, why not just say something? Even and dumb excuse?

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, Berta123n said:

He texted me a few days later, told me he also had a child in the meantime and isnt with the mother anymore.

Are you sure he's not still in this relationship? It sounds like he wanted some side action, but chickened out/got caught. After all cheating is something he doesn't mind.

Delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps. Start fresh. Neither f these two seem like good partners.

Focus on good parenting and co-parenting. Go forwards, not backwards.

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

After all cheating is something he doesn't mind.

He's probably remembering the same thing about you.

[Berta123n]

5 minutes ago, stillafool said:

You mean why he made a date to get together with you and your child and then didn't follow through? 

I mean why he told me all those things, that he missed me and told me about our past, really leading me on, for absolutely nothing.

[Berta123n]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you sure he's not still in this relationship? It sounds like he wanted some side action, but chickened out/got caught. After all cheating is something he doesn't mind.

Delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps. Start fresh. Neither f these two seem like good partners.

Focus on good parenting and co-parenting. Go forwards, not backwards.

I am. Of course I cant know. But we talked a lot about those things, everything was very personal and intimate. 

[stillafool]

48 minutes ago, Berta123n said:

I mean why he told me all those things, that he missed me and told me about our past, really leading me on, for absolutely nothing.

He probably just had a nostalgic moment but got over it and then didn't want to follow through because he knew it wasn't going to lead to anything.  More than likely he was trying to get what he thought was easy sex.

Edited April 13, 2022 by stillafool

[stillafool]

45 minutes ago, Berta123n said:

Of course I cant know.

Didn't you ask him if he's involved with someone?

[Berta123n]

4 minutes ago, stillafool said:

He probably just had a nostalgic moment but got over it and then didn't want to follow through because he knew it wasn't going to lead to anything.  More than likely he was trying to get what he thought was easy sex.

I told him we couldnt meet at my place and we met outside in the park.
He knew he wouldnt get sex that day.
We kissed and made out, it was very intimate and very overwhelming.
So he knew (if he wasnt an complete oblivious idiot) that he would get it next time.
Thats one of the points that confuse me most. I cant even be like "oh he just wanted sex" because for some reason he didnt.

[Berta123n]

5 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Didn't you ask him if he's involved with someone?

We talked and he talked about his crazy ex that keeps bombarding him with texts and calls etc.
And he said that back then we werent ready but now are both free.

[glows]

1 minute ago, Berta123n said:

We talked and he talked about his crazy ex that keeps bombarding him with texts and calls etc.
And he said that back then we werent ready but now are both free.

He's not "free" if he can't separate himself successfully from his "crazy ex". Be wary of people who seem to leave a trail of destruction and carry immense baggage.

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Berta123n said:

We talked and he talked about his crazy ex that keeps bombarding him with texts and calls etc.
And he said that back then we werent ready but now are both free.

He's still tied up with his ex, I assume the mother of his child, and probably isn't over her yet.  Since they are broken up he still needs sex and affection and that is why he contacted you and buttered you up with lies.  He was horny but settled for kisses in the park but couldn't be bothered to show back up 2 days later to spend more time and get the sex.  Probably because by then he and his ex had slept together so he wasn't in need.  Let this guy go and forget about seeking explanations because he probably doesn't even remember what he did wrong.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Berta123n said:

We talked and he talked about his crazy ex that keeps bombarding him with texts and calls etc.

Avoid him, this is going nowhere and would just bring headaches and heartaches you don't need back-to-back with the issues with your child's father.

[Lotsgoingon]

Here's the word that is required if someone is really interested in us. They are consistent, clear and available--without any chasing or strategizing on our parts.

If someone is not consistent in communication, available and open ... and clear in their interest ... then leave them alone. Period.  The right person makes it clear they are interested in you--not for one moment, not for a moment and then disappearing ... no, they will make their interest quite direct and clear with no games. 

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, Berta123n said:

We talked and he talked about his crazy ex that keeps bombarding him with texts and calls etc.
 

For future, when they go on and on about their ex in a positive or negative way they aren't over them.

[healing light]

5 hours ago, Berta123n said:

Last time I saw him he told me what shop he works at now at what times. I dont know if he expects me to come there or if I would make myself completely ridiculous if I turned up there. I just feel like I have to do something.

Don't do this. This guy knows how to reach you and this course of action will be embarrassing when you look back on it later, especially if it doesn't go well--which I can't imagine a scenario in which it would. 

If your desire to confront him is more about why he overslept/missed a date with you than it is to be with him, then this is your ego talking. You humiliated him in front of a bunch of co-workers--and actively forgot you even did it--something he has clearly been holding onto for years. So, consider it a wash if he stood you up on purpose(?). 

[Lisa]

thread closed at OP's request