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Maldives

By Maldives
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AngryGromit Established Member

AngryGromit

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On 4/12/2022 at 8:50 AM, Goodguy05 said:

I did pay for her drink and mine but wasn't covering her meal. Was I wrong not to? 

Generally I always covered the cost for dates. But there haven't been times I felt taken advantage of.  I took a date with her kid and a kid's friend to Howell Cavern's, I drove (about 2 hours) when we got there, she said she forgot to transfer money into her checking account so she didn't have the money to pay for the tickets. I paid for 4 tickets to tour the caverns, lunch and souvenirs at the gift shop. I was some what pissed by the time we got back, but she said she pay me back and wanted to thank me for paying for dinner. Anyway I take just her out to dinner and drinks when it came time to pay the bill there a problem with her card, so guess who stuck paying yet again. I was out $300 for the day, I was seriously pissed by this time.   

glows Established Member

glows

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, AngryGromit said:

Generally I always covered the cost for dates. But there haven't been times I felt taken advantage of.  I took a date with her kid and a kid's friend to Howell Cavern's, I drove (about 2 hours) when we got there, she said she forgot to transfer money into her checking account so she didn't have the money to pay for the tickets. I paid for 4 tickets to tour the caverns, lunch and souvenirs at the gift shop. I was some what pissed by the time we got back, but she said she pay me back and wanted to thank me for paying for dinner. Anyway I take just her out to dinner and drinks when it came time to pay the bill there a problem with her card, so guess who stuck paying yet again. I was out $300 for the day, I was seriously pissed by this time.   

Awful. Sorry you had to experience this. She never transferred you the money?

  • Like 1
NuevoYorko Established Member

NuevoYorko

Posted
Posted
20 hours ago, poppyfields said:

@Goodguy05I think what bothers me most about this is that YOU ordered just coffee but she for some reason felt it was OKAY to order herself dinner and wine.  

She was hungry and wanted to eat dinner.   Why it would have been more appropriate for her to just order coffee and be hungry, when she was already sitting in a full service restaurant at dinner time?    Just because the man did?  

A restaurant serving dinner is not the place to order a cup of coffee.  

As far as the paying goes, I don't think OP was obliged to pay but I would have.  I did the inviting, I picked the place, I just pay.   

 

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Weezy1973 Established Member

Weezy1973

Posted
Posted (edited)
4 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

I did the inviting, I picked the place, I just pay.   

 

He didn’t do the inviting (she insisted) and he didn’t pick the place (this was the only place open where she lived). No need to pay. Although any expectation of him paying for her dinner is misplaced, her eating because she’s hungry is fine.

Edited by Weezy1973
NuevoYorko Established Member

NuevoYorko

Posted
Posted

OP - here's the rub.  You are concerned about being taken advantage of.  I understand that.  But you are also concerned about being a "nice guy."  Because of that part, you went out with her when you did not want to, because "she insisted."  You went so far as to go to her neighborhood, far from yours.

You set yourself up before you got into this.

Regardless,  I don't really see a problem.  You did not pay, and you won't be seeing her again either.   

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Maldives Established Member

Maldives

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Posted
10 hours ago, AngryGromit said:

Generally I always covered the cost for dates. But there haven't been times I felt taken advantage of.  I took a date with her kid and a kid's friend to Howell Cavern's, I drove (about 2 hours) when we got there, she said she forgot to transfer money into her checking account so she didn't have the money to pay for the tickets. I paid for 4 tickets to tour the caverns, lunch and souvenirs at the gift shop. I was some what pissed by the time we got back, but she said she pay me back and wanted to thank me for paying for dinner. Anyway I take just her out to dinner and drinks when it came time to pay the bill there a problem with her card, so guess who stuck paying yet again. I was out $300 for the day, I was seriously pissed by this time.   

Wow that would trully suck. Had That with one date went over 100 plus and no connection that's why I've drawn the line with dates it can get real expensive too if you are having a few dates here and there. 

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Maldives Established Member

Maldives

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9 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

She was hungry and wanted to eat dinner.   Why it would have been more appropriate for her to just order coffee and be hungry, when she was already sitting in a full service restaurant at dinner time?    Just because the man did?  

A restaurant serving dinner is not the place to order a cup of coffee.  

As far as the paying goes, I don't think OP was obliged to pay but I would have.  I did the inviting, I picked the place, I just pay.   

 

Mate I didn't do the inviting read my post properly 

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Alvi Established Member

Alvi

Posted
Posted

There is not point meeting someone if there are obvious dealbreakers, such as drinking, smoking, doing drugs, having kids, etc.... Be very firm on the boundaries. don't think it is going to go anywhere if you have serious doubts before even meeting in person. Save yourself and another person some time and energy and don't meet him or her. Be very firm and say no to the meeting. Ignore or block if they keep insisting on the meeting. Or, if you want to make a short cheap meet, meet at the coffee place or go for a walk or something.

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MoonPetals New Member

MoonPetals

Posted
Posted (edited)

[ ] 

I could imagine the woman was either just hungry and didn't feel like only drinking coffee in a restaurant at 7:30 pm, or she expected a free meal AND was also hungry.

In any case - why did you agree to even meet her, if you already knew from just texting that it wasn't going to work out, you weren't interested in dating someone with kids, AND you also had the few day break in between texting and meeting her in person?

Why not chat with someone else in the meantime ?

In my experience, men who say one thing and do another usually expect something else - in this case, most likely the expectation was that the single mother is easy to get into bed, especially since you mention she 'insisted'. Why go meet a woman you're not into that much, who has kids and that's a dealbreaker to you, if you don't want to - just because she 'insists' ?

Also, guys who are nice don't need to say this. They just are. The 'I'm a nice guy' cliche has become almost creepy, it's only told by guys who aren't nice at all in reality - my 2c. 

And no, paying for someone's dinner isn't 'being taken advantage of', it's an expectation that falls on the shoulders of the man within that dating context. It's a chivalry gesture, part of the 'mating ritual'. I for one would be surprised a man agrees to meet at 7:30 pm in the evening only for 'coffee'. Maybe a drink and a walk, coffee dates are for daytime, as someone else also mentioned. 

[ ] 

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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glows Established Member

glows

Posted
Posted

There are different types of individuals in every group. Be more cautious about your company and the way you plan your dates.

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Calmandfocused Established Member

Calmandfocused

Posted
Posted

Op I’m interested; what exactly was her reaction when you said you were not paying for her dinner? Please tell 😊. 
 

In terms of were you wrong for not paying? Hell no!!!!!

Agree with the posters who said she was purposely trying to take advantage of you.
 

You were clear on the coffee only. If she wants to have dinner she pays for her dinner. Whats wrong with that? Why should op be financially responsible to provide a meal for a stranger? That doesn’t compute to me. 
 

However you made 2 mistakes here OP; 

1) Agreeing to the date in the first place. 

2) Going to a restaurant for “coffee” 
 

Stick to your boundaries in future 

 

  • Like 2
Lauriebell82 Established Member

Lauriebell82

Posted
Posted (edited)
On 4/12/2022 at 8:50 AM, Goodguy05 said:

Hey guys, 

 

Went on a date tonight with a nice lady. We met on tinder. Anyway on the date she orders dinner and wine while I order just coffee. I tried to allude to the fact before the date it was a coffee date but she ordered dinner anyway. At the end of the date I paid for her wine but not the dinner. I guess thru experience I've learnt to somewhat hold back in some areas particularly with paying for the whole evening. I drove out to her area to add context and already mentioned I wasn't keen on going any further once I learnt she had kids but she insisted we at least meet. It was a nice night but I could tell her energy changed when it came to the bill. I did pay for her drink and mine but wasn't covering her meal. Was I wrong not to? Just curious because it's always expected of men to foot the bill but I've been on some expensive dates and there wasn't any chemistry and made a promise to myself to get out of the habit of doing that especially if it goes nowhere. 

I have some initial thoughts here. I don't want to sound too brutal here...BUT a lot of these issues/questions you are asking seem to be a result of your doing, no?

First: You were turned off by the fact that she has kids (me being a divorced mom this irks me...bbbbuuuuttt I will set aside my judgement as I know some guys aren't into dating moms. BUT after a certain age, a lot of women do have kids. Come on now dude! You may be hard pressed to find a women who doesn't have them) Anyway...you had already set a boundary you weren't into but still agreed to meet her. WHY???? My guess is so you could hook up with her but then not actually date her. Not cool at all. 

Second...I think she probably got mixed messages with the whole "I'm turned off by your kids but showing up anyway" so maybe she ordered a meal because she was confused? Or maybe she was a little ticked off and thought "hey I'll just order a meal because this guy isn't REALLY into it anyway!" And you don't particularly sound like a gentleman (picking and choosing you should and shouldn't pay for on dates) so women are going to pick up on that VERY quickly. If I were you I'd either change your dating attitude or stick to casual hookups and skip the date. My two cents. Oy. 

Edited by Lauriebell82
Trail Blazer Established Member

Trail Blazer

Posted
Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, Lauriebell82 said:

I have some initial thoughts here. I don't want to sound too brutal here...BUT a lot of these issues/questions you are asking seem to be a result of your doing, no?

First: You were turned off by the fact that she has kids (me being a divorced mom this irks me...bbbbuuuuttt I will set aside my judgement as I know some guys aren't into dating moms. BUT after a certain age, a lot of women do have kids. Come on now dude! You may be hard pressed to find a women who doesn't have them) Anyway...you had already set a boundary you weren't into but still agreed to meet her. WHY???? My guess is so you could hook up with her but then not actually date her. Not cool at all. 

Second...I think she probably got mixed messages with the whole "I'm turned off by your kids but showing up anyway" so maybe she ordered a meal because she was confused? Or maybe she was a little ticked off and thought "hey I'll just order a meal because this guy isn't REALLY into it anyway!" And you don't particularly sound like a gentleman (picking and choosing you should and shouldn't pay for on dates) so women are going to pick up on that VERY quickly. If I were you I'd either change your dating attitude or stick to casual hookups and skip the date. My two cents. Oy. 

You are correct, though in that yes, most women after a certain age, most will have children.  I don't know how old the OP, @Goodguy05 is, but as someone in his late thirties I did notice that the majority of women in their thirties had children.

[ ] 

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Maldives Established Member

Maldives

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Posted
4 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

Op I’m interested; what exactly was her reaction when you said you were not paying for her dinner? Please tell 😊. 
 

In terms of were you wrong for not paying? Hell no!!!!!

Agree with the posters who said she was purposely trying to take advantage of you.
 

You were clear on the coffee only. If she wants to have dinner she pays for her dinner. Whats wrong with that? Why should op be financially responsible to provide a meal for a stranger? That doesn’t compute to me. 
 

However you made 2 mistakes here OP; 

1) Agreeing to the date in the first place. 

2) Going to a restaurant for “coffee” 
 

Stick to your boundaries in future 

 

Haha I didn't actually say I wasn't paying she had her credit card out at the counter and I just said to the waiter I'll cover the drinks please. The waiter mixed up our bill with someone else's lol and we clarified. The next day she messaged me saying she had a great time and gave me her no. If I wished to connect further. I wished her a happy Easter and just left it at that she's off to a music festival so it's been a few days so hopefully that's the end of it. She's a lovely lady but I won't take it any further. 

glows Established Member

glows

Posted
Posted

I don’t know any single mothers who expect men to fund their lifestyle or raise their children. This is personally speaking. It may be the demographic as most women I know are professionals, pay for day care and childcare out of pocket, put their children through school, date other professionals and have no issues or drama when it comes to poor manners or differences in expectations.

I think the general consensus is to screen better and be a little more careful, leaving room for issues. It’s a first date and many first dates don’t progress to seconds or third etc.

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Maldives Established Member

Maldives

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Man you have it all wrong she insisted we meet a no. Of times and I caved in and said yes. I felt bad not going and thought I'll just go get out it out of the way and then if she insists I'll say I didn't feel it etc. No it wasn't for sex as some posters on here eluded to. I wasn't really that attracted to her either in person she looked nice but not really the type or nationality Im normally attracted to. I simply went to not hurt her feelings and concluded in my own head what the heck it's just a coffee date worse case at least I met someone and some nice banter for an hr or two no waste of time. The reason for the post was her body language afterwatds re dinner but I had my answer the following day I must of read her wrong cause she messaged me saying it was lovely meeting me and she was interested and left it open for me if I wanted to take it further by leaving her no. I wished her a happy Easter that's it im not gonna spoil her Easter by being negative around Easter I just left it at that I think she gets I'm not interested I haven't messaged nothing or saved her no. 

 

The other thing you are not correct re all woman have kids I've met another woman who I'm going an another date with today no kids and feel it's a better fit. Worse case I can swing the other way and consider ladyboys lol. 

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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glows Established Member

glows

Posted
Posted (edited)
5 minutes ago, Goodguy05 said:

Man you have it all wrong she insisted we meet a no. Of times and I caved in and said yes. I felt bad not going and thought I'll just go get out it out of the way and then if she insists I'll say I didn't feel it etc. No it wasn't for sex as some posters on here eluded to. I wasn't really that attracted to her either in person she looked nice but not really the type or nationality Im normally attracted to. I simply went to not hurt her feelings and concluded in my own head what the heck it's just a coffee date worse case at least I met someone and some nice banter for an hr or two no waste of time. The reason for the post was her body language afterwatds re dinner but I had my answer the following day I must of read her wrong cause she messaged me saying it was lovely meeting me and she was interested and left it open for me if I wanted to take it further by leaving her no. I wished her a happy Easter that's it im not gonna spoil her Easter by being negative around Easter I just left it at that I think she gets I'm not interested I haven't messaged nothing or saved her no. 

I think that’s the best way to have handled it. This is just one of those dating stories you can look back on and have a laugh. I wouldn’t have wasted any time meeting with someone I didn’t find attractive yet you say it was in person that you realized she wasn’t attractive. Maybe her photos weren’t so accurate.

Edited by glows
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Maldives Established Member

Maldives

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Posted (edited)
18 minutes ago, glows said:

I think that’s the best way to have handled it. This is just one of those dating stories you can look back on and have a laugh. I wouldn’t have wasted any time meeting with someone I didn’t find attractive yet you say it was in person that you realized she wasn’t attractive. Maybe her photos weren’t so accurate.

She wasn't not attractive she just wasn't the type I normally go for a few more wrinkles though then in her photos lol haha but she wasn't bad looking not at all her personality was very animated and I could see through that she had a lovely heart. She was interesting person some interesting conversation was had but I know me I experienced it before for 6 yrs with my last ex I know well my shortcomings around someone else's kids. That's not to say I don't miss my exes kidd I really do that's the other thing. But overall I could never integrate our lives and live together that was the problem and that hasn't changed. The kids were great but I liked to be able to just hand em back and that's not how it works if you decide to date and be wth a woman with kids it's the full package and I couldn't do it even after 6 yrs. I regretted losing her but I know me and my personality and shortcomings none of us are perfect. Having said that the twist with my ex she moved 1000kms interstate after I moved out from the city we were both living in. We were apart for 2 yrs then she eventually moved to be wth me and got a job wth my company. She moved wth her son and daughter was left down in the original city long story the son was sort of estranged from the dad not getting on etc. The ex took her to court and won custody the son went back interstate to the dad but guess what my ex remained here and is still here 6 yrs later so go figure. She hasn't been with her kids for 6 yrs she remains here near where I live you can read my other posts there's lots re her and what I went thru post breakup but she's here her kids a 1000kms away so go figure. I don't judge her because I know the background of where some of that decision came from to stay here. But there you go go figure 

Edited by Goodguy05
Alpacalia Established Member

Alpacalia

Posted
Posted (edited)
36 minutes ago, Goodguy05 said:

Haha I didn't actually say I wasn't paying she had her credit card out at the counter and I just said to the waiter I'll cover the drinks please. The waiter mixed up our bill with someone else's lol and we clarified. The next day she messaged me saying she had a great time and gave me her no. If I wished to connect further. I wished her a happy Easter and just left it at that she's off to a music festival so it's been a few days so hopefully that's the end of it. She's a lovely lady but I won't take it any further. 

Evidently, she was more than willing to pay for her meal.

There doesn't seem to be much of a question regarding who pays for what or whether or not she expected a free meal.

In any case, it is absolutely fine for you to not want to date women who have children if that's what you prefer.

By not dating women with children, you can avoid dating them.

She is now free to find someone who doesn't mind it or is open to it.

Case closed!

Edited by Alpacalia
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glows Established Member

glows

Posted
Posted
5 minutes ago, Goodguy05 said:

She wasn't not attractive she just wasn't the type I normally go for a few more wrinkles though then in her photos lol haha but she wasn't bad looking not at all her personality was very animated and I could see through that she had a lovely heart. She was interesting person some interesting conversation was had but I know me I experienced it before for 6 yrs with my last ex I know well my shortcomings around someone else's kids. That's not to say I don't miss my exes kidd I really do that's the other thing. But overall I could never integrate our lives and live together that was the problem and that hasn't changed. The kids were great but I liked to be able to just hand em back and that's not how it works if you decide to date and be wth a woman with kids it's the full package and I couldn't do it even after 6 yrs. I regretted losing her but I know me and my personality and shortcomings none of us are perfect 

That’s true. None of us are perfect and it’s actually great that you see this. Because neither was your ex perfect nor this woman either. I wouldn’t leave this open or unresolved as you may continue to experience moments of confusion as you did here agreeing to a date with this person. Unbeknownst to her, the woman you recently went out with, you have a predisposition against single mothers or there’s unresolved issue in your past dating history. Missing people is part and parcel of letting go but there are less destructive ways to go about it than blanketing an entire group. Of course we are all entitled to our dealbreakers and don’t date anyone whose circumstances would make you feel uncomfortable. That this has a direct correlation to some very sore spots in a previous relationship is not something I’d push aside. 

It may be time to let go of the bits and parts of the past and start fresh too without hanging on. My take on it is she seemed a familiar profile similar to your ex and you might have felt safe for a brief moment even though you never wanted to go down that road again. 

 

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Maldives Established Member

Maldives

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Posted (edited)

It's not a complete deal breaker re kids but young kids are for me or teenagers yes definatley deal breakers. I've changed to and have explored trans which I'm open to and have always had an attraction to since forever but was always just a fantasy but I'm open to it and that's where I'm at. 

 

The thing I struggled with a lot with my ex and the kids was her time and attention and love you gotta take that into consideration when dating a partner with kids. 

Edited by Goodguy05
Lisa Established Member

Lisa

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Looks like has been thoroughly answered and we thank participants for their feedback.

The thread has now been closed due to excessive off topic input and group berating.

While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
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