Who should pay?

[Maldives]

Hey guys, 

 

Went on a date tonight with a nice lady. We met on tinder. Anyway on the date she orders dinner and wine while I order just coffee. I tried to allude to the fact before the date it was a coffee date but she ordered dinner anyway. At the end of the date I paid for her wine but not the dinner. I guess thru experience I've learnt to somewhat hold back in some areas particularly with paying for the whole evening. I drove out to her area to add context and already mentioned I wasn't keen on going any further once I learnt she had kids but she insisted we at least meet. It was a nice night but I could tell her energy changed when it came to the bill. I did pay for her drink and mine but wasn't covering her meal. Was I wrong not to? Just curious because it's always expected of men to foot the bill but I've been on some expensive dates and there wasn't any chemistry and made a promise to myself to get out of the habit of doing that especially if it goes nowhere. 

Edited April 12, 2022 by Goodguy05

[Happy Lemming]

Just my opinion here, but I've always paid for every date I have been on (and I've been on A LOT of dates).  I didn't ask a woman out if I couldn't pay for the whole date, dinner, drinks, activity, etc.

Dating was a line item in my monthly budget and I would plan dates so they fit into my budget. 

As a side note, single moms were a deal breaker (rule #1) for me.  I went out with ONE and that was enough to tell me to NEVER EVER do that again.

I don't understand why you agreed to any date (with this woman) when you previously had misgivings about dating single moms.  Didn't you have another thread about this woman?? Or am I thinking of someone else??

My advice... going forward... leave the single moms for the single dads.  Let them cancel on each other because little Johnny is sick or whatever.  Date women without children!!

Getting back to your original question, (you are not going to like this) but the fact that you agreed to a date, you should have paid the entire bill (again, just my opinion).  It really doesn't matter that you "hinted" that it was a coffee date.  At the end of the day, it doesn't really matter, as you will NEVER hear from this woman again.  She'll go home, call up her best friend and complain that you were cheap.

I didn't make up these (dating/who pays) rules, I just followed them...

[Gaeta]

No, you were not wrong. She wanted to take advantage of you. 

Next time set up a first meeting in a park for a walk or an  ice cream place.

The first meeting is not a date. It's an ice breaker date. I'm a woman and I don't like being asked out to dinner for a first meeting. 

[Maldives]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

No, you were not wrong. She wanted to take advantage of you. 

Next time set up a first meeting in a park for a walk or an  ice cream place.

The first meeting is not a date. It's an ice breaker date. I'm a woman and I don't like being asked out to dinner for a first meeting. 

Thanks Gaeta. Hindsight should of done exactly that re the icebreaker. This was the only place open. I had another date last night that was much better better balanced and more suited and she followed up the next day to meet again which I agreed to. 

[Maldives]

14 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Just my opinion here, but I've always paid for every date I have been on (and I've been on A LOT of dates).  I didn't ask a woman out if I couldn't pay for the whole date, dinner, drinks, activity, etc.

Dating was a line item in my monthly budget and I would plan dates so they fit into my budget. 

As a side note, single moms were a deal breaker (rule #1) for me.  I went out with ONE and that was enough to tell me to NEVER EVER do that again.

I don't understand why you agreed to any date (with this woman) when you previously had misgivings about dating single moms.  Didn't you have another thread about this woman?? Or am I thinking of someone else??

My advice... going forward... leave the single moms for the single dads.  Let them cancel on each other because little Johnny is sick or whatever.  Date women without children!!

Getting back to your original question, (you are not going to like this) but the fact that you agreed to a date, you should have paid the entire bill (again, just my opinion).  It really doesn't matter that you "hinted" that it was a coffee date.  At the end of the day, it doesn't really matter, as you will NEVER hear from this woman again.  She'll go home, call up her best friend and complain that you were cheap.

I didn't make up these (dating/who pays) rules, I just followed them...

Ye that was my ex of 6 yrs she had kids that's why I said to this one to not go any further but I can be too nice sometimes not wanting to hurt someone's feelings so ill go against my better judgement. It was OK nice date but I'm glad I didn't pay for her meal lol in all honesty. 

[glows]

She’s not a keeper and inconsiderate. I wouldn’t order a meal if I wasn’t prepared to pay for it myself. 

Don’t feel discouraged as a man or think all women act this way. Move on with the other lady and see where it goes.

[Happy Lemming]

26 minutes ago, Goodguy05 said:

...but I can be too nice sometimes not wanting to hurt someone's feelings so ill go against my better judgement.

Well stop that... you do yourself (and that woman) no good by going on a "pity" date.  She didn't know you, so I doubt her feelings were hurt if you bailed once you found out she had children.

You already knew going into this, it was going to be a waste of time and money.

You've learned your lesson (with the ex) about dating people with children, now set that as Rule #1 for your deal breaker list.

I've learned to listen to that little voice in my head... when it tells you "nope"... listen to it.

[vla1120]

46 minutes ago, Goodguy05 said:

I tried to allude to the fact before the date it was a coffee date but she ordered dinner anyway.

 

47 minutes ago, Goodguy05 said:

I drove out to her area to add context and already mentioned I wasn't keen on going any further once I learnt she had kids but she insisted we at least meet.

You've probably already learned your lesson from this, but don't allude to anything and don't allow yourself to be pressured into a date/meetup that you're really not into. 

I know there is a perception that the man should always pay, but I feel that's a bit outdated and unfair. As a woman, I never expect a man to pay for my dinner. In fact, I usually offer to pay the bill so that he is fully aware I am not expecting him to pay for my dinner nor anything else. I have only come across one man who would not allow me to pay or at least contribute. 

[smackie9]

Hey you can't blame her for trying. Dating as a single mom is tough. maybe she was hoping for a free meal, and or maybe just a night out. She was hoping for something and so she gave it a shot too. You did the right thing tho, if she wanted dinner she should pay for it because it wasn't part of the agreement. I know guys that would pay for everything because that's the way they are but there is no rule that you have to and that is respectable. You meet all kinds right? Now you know to stick more to your expectations and not waste your time on date like her. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Goodguy05 said:

Anyway on the date she orders dinner and wine while I order just coffee. I tried to allude to the fact before the date it was a coffee date but she ordered dinner anyway

Sorry this happened. You dodged a bullet. How rude to order dinner when you expressed that it's a coffee date. Perhaps next time pick somewhere that only serves beverages.

[poppyfields]

@Goodguy05you played it just right. 

Of importance here is that you specifically asked her for coffee.   

Not drinks, not a meal, but coffee.  And YOU yourself ordered just coffee! 

How awkward, you ordered coffee and she ordered dinner and drinks. That's entitlement, plain and simple 

Girl wanted a free meal and she took advantage of the situation to do so. 

There's nothing good here, this is a huge next and do not feel guilty for not paying, you did the right thing in that particular situation.

 

 

Edited April 12, 2022 by poppyfields

[glows]

1 hour ago, Goodguy05 said:

Ye that was my ex of 6 yrs she had kids that's why I said to this one to not go any further but I can be too nice sometimes not wanting to hurt someone's feelings so ill go against my better judgement. It was OK nice date but I'm glad I didn't pay for her meal lol in all honesty. 

Maybe try working on this. No is a good word. It’s not great to be leading anyone on. I hope you don’t have a poor impression of single parents just because things didn’t work out with your ex. Let go of that baggage.

Edited April 12, 2022 by glows

[Alvi]

I am very curious if you would mind paying for her dinner if she she had:

1. No kids
2. No obvious dealbreakers
3. She looked better that her pics on the Tinder
4. She was nice, charming, witty, funny and all over you

If she was all that, would you mind paying for her? Would you post and complain about it at all?

[dramafreezone]

3 hours ago, Goodguy05 said:

Hey guys, 

 

Went on a date tonight with a nice lady. We met on tinder. Anyway on the date she orders dinner and wine while I order just coffee. I tried to allude to the fact before the date it was a coffee date but she ordered dinner anyway. At the end of the date I paid for her wine but not the dinner. I guess thru experience I've learnt to somewhat hold back in some areas particularly with paying for the whole evening. I drove out to her area to add context and already mentioned I wasn't keen on going any further once I learnt she had kids but she insisted we at least meet. It was a nice night but I could tell her energy changed when it came to the bill. I did pay for her drink and mine but wasn't covering her meal. Was I wrong not to? Just curious because it's always expected of men to foot the bill but I've been on some expensive dates and there wasn't any chemistry and made a promise to myself to get out of the habit of doing that especially if it goes nowhere. 

Well, you should've still paid because you agreed to the venue.  I'm very old fashioned in that I always assume I'm paying if I asked her out. 

In the future set up a first date where dinner is not possible if you don't want to pay for dinner.

Edited April 12, 2022 by dramafreezone

[clia]

What time was the date?

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

Well, you should've still paid because you agreed to the venue.  I'm very old fashioned in that I always assume I'm paying if I asked her out. 

I asked my boyfriend and he said the same thing. 

He said he wouid have paid as paying when you ask a lady out is the polite thing to do even when no intention or desire to see her again. 

I think I've been reading too many PUA men's sites!  Lol

Edited April 12, 2022 by poppyfields

[Weezy1973]

In this case:

a) You didn’t ask her out for dinner.

b) You let her know it wasn’t romantic as her having kids was a deal breaker.

c) She’s the one that insisted you meet anyways.

 

This wasn’t a date as there was no chance of it turning romantic as you stipulated. And even if it was a date, as she was the one insisting you meet, she technically asked you out therefore if anybody was to pay, it would have been her.

 

You paying for her wine was fine. 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Goodguy05 said:

already mentioned I wasn't keen on going any further once I learnt she had kids but she insisted we at least meet.

This is where screening comes in. If you want a childfree dating situation, don't waver. In this case she just wanted a free meal because she knew there were incompatibilities as far as children goes. Low class in my opinion.

[introverted1]

6 hours ago, Goodguy05 said:

I tried to allude to the fact before the date it was a coffee date but she ordered dinner anyway.

"Allude" is the problem here.

If it's a coffee date, make it at a coffee place, where there's no option for confusion.

I know others disagree, but I am a big fan of a low key -- coffee, drinks, ice cream -- first meeting. It keeps the investment low so that, no matter who pays, there are no hard feelings.  And then there's no reason you can't follow up with an actual dinner date the next time, if desired.

Edited April 12, 2022 by introverted1
typo

[Mrin]

 []

Specifically

I find it really odd that she ordered dinner when it was a coffee/cocktail date and you didn't follow suit. I probably still would have picked up the full check but I can totally see where you are coming from. 

I've never had this particular situation happen to me and I've had a LOT of dates. I'm trying to think back but if I want to keep a date within a certain "boundary" I typically will get ahead of situation before the wait staff comes and say something like, "you know, i'm just going to get something to drink" as an aside to my date. It takes the ambiguity out of the situation. The other thing I typically do is casually mention pretty early on that I'm buying. Again, reduces the ambiguity and lets the date proceed without that hanging sort of question hanging over our heads. 

Best of luck!

Mrin

Edited April 13, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Off topic

[Els]

Ah, I was wondering what happened to the good ol' "who pays" threads...

In your case:

1. Of course it's not wrong to just pay for drinks if you didn't order any food for yourself

2. But it's really kinda strange to meet up at a place that serves food, at dinner time, and just order coffee. It would weird me out quite a bit if someone did that regardless of the paying situation. Usually if people are just going to have coffee, they will go to a cafe in the day time, where I live anyway. I'm surprised the wait staff was okay with you taking up a whole table during a dinner seating to just order coffee, honestly, but this could be a location thing - it would be very frowned upon here.

3. Why even go out with someone you already know you're not interested in just because they "insisted"??? You realize you can say no thanks, right?

 

Edited April 12, 2022 by Elswyth

[poppyfields]

@Goodguy05I think what bothers me most about this is that YOU ordered just coffee but she for some reason felt it was OKAY to order herself dinner and wine.  

I can't speak for others but I would find that scenario extremely awkward; I mean one of the best things about a dinner date is sharing the experience together!

I am envisioning her sitting there at the table chowing down on the meal and enjoying her wine while you're sitting there drinking coffee watching her chowing down on her meal and enjoying the wine.  

I think if I were her, that would be quite a lonely experience, eating dinner and drinking wine alone while my date watches me? 

Hardly an enjoyable experience.

But apparently she felt differently and expected you to pay to boot.  Whatever, some people have no shame.

Despite some others' opinions including my own boyfriend's, I still think you did the right thing.

 

 

 

Edited April 12, 2022 by poppyfields

[Els]

7 hours ago, poppyfields said:

@Goodguy05I think what bothers me most about this is that YOU ordered just coffee but she for some reason felt it was OKAY to order herself dinner and wine

I can't speak for others but I find that scenario extremely awkward; I mean one of the best things about a dinner date is sharing the experience together!

Err, considering that it appeared to be dinner time, she was probably just hungry? The fact that her date ordered a coffee wouldn't change the fact that most people want to eat dinner at dinner time, lol.

[]

Edited April 13, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Off topic

[Maldives]

4 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

Well, you should've still paid because you agreed to the venue.  I'm very old fashioned in that I always assume I'm paying if I asked her out. 

In the future set up a first date where dinner is not possible if you don't want to pay for dinner.

I didn't ask her out she insisted we meet because I'd already told her I didn't see this going anywhere as I'm not into dating woman with young kids as I've done it before and found it very hard going 

[Kamille]

Is there a problem here? You're not interested and it sounds like she lost all interest.  Soooooo... Congrats?

Edited April 12, 2022 by Kamille