gothic Posted April 11, 2022 Posted April 11, 2022 He was kind of an ex, anyway. A lot of hand wringing and "I wish I could be with you" type stuff went on but when it came to it, he just never seemed that interested. This was around 7 years ago and we've spoken since about his behaviour back then,he said he liked me a lot but I was "always going on about other men" (I was a young girl working in a male environment and a few of them tried it on with me, I think I told him about them when he would ask how things were going). I was also just getting involved with my now ex-partner,who I've only recently split with. Anyway. He's recently engaged, to someone who he says "saved his life" so I assume they're pretty solid. I do still have feelings for him but more than anything I'd like to just be able to see him now and again. He was always there for me during the past few years when my relationship with my partner has been rocky, I've basically been trying to leave what was quite an abusive relationship and he's offered help, but then always gone a but quiet on me afterwards. I sent him a text message last night asking if he wanted to meet for a coffee sometime, as I'm trying to get myself back a bit. Here's how the conversation went after that: Him -"Back from what?" Me - oh nothing, I just need to get my old self back after everything. Do you mind me messaging or shall I stop trying to be your bestie? Lol" (long story but I'm never sure whether he actually wants to hear from me or not) Him - "Erm it's fine (tells me about what he's been up to and how tired he is). Aren't you still with he who's name I shouldn't mention? " Me - "not on paper, no". Him - "are you still living with him?" Me - "I won't ask you for coffee again, can't believe I did in the first place to be honest but it was worth a try, haha! Until he gets out, yes I am but he's on the sofa". Him - "yes I'll go for a coffee". Then we arranged to meet up in a couple of weeks once my children are back at school. I'm confused as to why he asked whether I was still with my ex and then seemed to agree to meet up. I now worry maybe he only agreed because he thinks I'm lonely or desperate. Am I overthinking it?
ExpatInItaly Posted April 11, 2022 Posted April 11, 2022 I would not proceed with this plan. He's with someone else and doesn't seem too keen to meet. You are in a vulnerable spot and seem to be reaching into the past to console yourself. This is not just a good idea all around, and you stand to get hurt. I would call it off, and let go of the idea of keeping him in your life. When you're finally free of this current relationship and one day meet a man who is crazy about you, you won't go looking into your past for someone to give you a boost. 4
glows Posted April 11, 2022 Posted April 11, 2022 You may go anyway but it’s not a good idea. Yes, you do seem lonely and desperate but so does he. You’re both in unhappy relationships. Leave your abusive relationship and spend some time on your own or with friends and family who care about you. Avoid unavailable men with issues.
vla1120 Posted April 11, 2022 Posted April 11, 2022 I would nix this whole idea. He's with someone else. Try to put yourself in his fiance's shoes for one moment. How would you feel if another woman asked your fiance out for coffee (knowing he was engaged)? Do you have other friends and/or family members you can turn to for support? It's good that you are getting out of this bad relationship and it's clear you need some support. I just wouldn't try to strike up a friendship/relationship with him when you could end up blowing up his relationship with his fiance. Have you thought about seeking counseling? Maybe talking to a neutral party will help you navigate your situation. 3
Wiseman2 Posted April 11, 2022 Posted April 11, 2022 1 hour ago, gothic said: He's recently engaged, to someone who he says "saved his life" so I assume they're pretty solid. Him - "Erm it's fine (tells me about what he's been up to and how tired he is). Aren't you still with he who's name I shouldn't mention? " Step way back from this. He has a GF and you would be better off attending to your situation and getting separate living arrangements. Rely on friends, family, therapists, attorneys, etc. to get your situation improved. He clearly does not want to be "besties" or a shoulder to cry on.
stillafool Posted April 11, 2022 Posted April 11, 2022 10 hours ago, gothic said: I do still have feelings for him but more than anything I'd like to just be able to see him now and again. See him now and again? You mean with his fiance/wife? He is no longer available and since you have feelings for him that wouldn't be good for you. 10 hours ago, gothic said: I've basically been trying to leave what was quite an abusive relationship and he's offered help, but then always gone a but quiet on me afterwards. Well he definitely can't help you now because he's asked another woman to marry him and he's no longer available to help you. What type of help do you need to leave this abusive relationship? BTW he asked if you were still with the guy sleeping on your couch because again you're contacting him while with someone else. You have shown him that nothing has changed in your life. Saying a man is sleeping on your couch is still saying you're with him.
ShyViolet Posted April 12, 2022 Posted April 12, 2022 This whole thing is a terrible idea. I'm not sure what you hope to accomplish from meeting up with him. He's with someone else, and you trying to see him is just awkward and going to prevent you from moving on.
Author gothic Posted April 12, 2022 Author Posted April 12, 2022 Well, I messaged him earlier and asked why he had asked if I was still with my ex, he just said he wasn't sure from the way I had worded needing to 'get myself back'. I didn't mention my relationship so not sure why he felt the need to ask? Like, why does it make any difference whether I'm single or not? Anyway. I said that maybe it wasn't a good idea to meet up after all and he replied "it's up to you, but I'd like to catch up, if you can". So now I'm back to being confused. Why would he say he'd like to meet and catch up if he's not really interested in seeing me? I gave him an out but he didn't take it.
vla1120 Posted April 12, 2022 Posted April 12, 2022 54 minutes ago, gothic said: So now I'm back to being confused. Why would he say he'd like to meet and catch up if he's not really interested in seeing me? I gave him an out but he didn't take it. He shouldn't need an out, but you can give him one by refusing to meet with him.
glows Posted April 12, 2022 Posted April 12, 2022 1 hour ago, gothic said: Well, I messaged him earlier and asked why he had asked if I was still with my ex, he just said he wasn't sure from the way I had worded needing to 'get myself back'. I didn't mention my relationship so not sure why he felt the need to ask? Like, why does it make any difference whether I'm single or not? Anyway. I said that maybe it wasn't a good idea to meet up after all and he replied "it's up to you, but I'd like to catch up, if you can". So now I'm back to being confused. Why would he say he'd like to meet and catch up if he's not really interested in seeing me? I gave him an out but he didn't take it. Some people are curious and nosy like that. You seem to be reading a great deal into it. My read on it is that he’s got nothing better to say or ask than inquire about your love life. And what he thinks or says about it also equally has zero effect in how you choose to live your life. In other words, his input means very little. If you’re too worried about the meet up then don’t go but I wouldn’t give too much thought to whatever he says. 1
stillafool Posted April 12, 2022 Posted April 12, 2022 2 hours ago, gothic said: So now I'm back to being confused. Why would he say he'd like to meet and catch up if he's not really interested in seeing me? I gave him an out but he didn't take it. There's nothing to be confused about. He is curious if your life has changed for the better and probably hoping it has so he wants to chat with you to see how you and your child are doing. I've done this myself with exes but it doesn't mean I want them but just curious. Afterall you were the one to contact him asking to meet so he's actually being kind to you. He knows that you know he's in love with another woman and engaged so what is there to lose? The above question to him is cringeworthy. 2 hours ago, gothic said: Well, I messaged him earlier and asked why he had asked if I was still with my ex, he just said he wasn't sure from the way I had worded needing to 'get myself back'. All the confusion you feel is you reaching for breadcrumbs. 2
Author gothic Posted April 12, 2022 Author Posted April 12, 2022 18 minutes ago, stillafool said: There's nothing to be confused about. He is curious if your life has changed for the better and probably hoping it has so he wants to chat with you to see how you and your child are doing. I've done this myself with exes but it doesn't mean I want them but just curious. Afterall you were the one to contact him asking to meet so he's actually being kind to you. He knows that you know he's in love with another woman and engaged so what is there to lose? The above question to him is cringeworthy. All the confusion you feel is you reaching for breadcrumbs. I suppose so. I think it's just that last time we met up, which was 6 months ago and was his suggestion, he made it quite clear - as he always has done - that he hated my then partner. But yes, I'm looking for breadcrumbs when there aren't any. 1
stillafool Posted April 12, 2022 Posted April 12, 2022 17 minutes ago, gothic said: I suppose so. I think it's just that last time we met up, which was 6 months ago and was his suggestion, he made it quite clear - as he always has done - that he hated my then partner. But yes, I'm looking for breadcrumbs when there aren't any. Most men and women hate a man who is abusive to women. It doesn't matter if they even know her or not and if a child is involved, as in your case, that makes people dislike him more. His reaction to your abusive bf is normal and nothing to be confused about. I'm glad you can see you're reaching for breadcrumbs and hopefully it will stop.
smackie9 Posted April 12, 2022 Posted April 12, 2022 I think you are over analyzing a simple meet up for coffee. He just asked to just ask, and I doubt there is anything real reason for it. Go and enjoy catching up. 1
Mrin Posted April 12, 2022 Posted April 12, 2022 "So he's engaged to someone who he says saved his life and my last boyfriend is still sleeping on my couch, but I asked my long lost ex to coffee anyhow" Seriously, that could be line from this SNL clip: 1
chillii Posted April 12, 2022 Posted April 12, 2022 (edited) 10 hours ago, gothic said: Anyway. I said that maybe it wasn't a good idea to meet up after all and he replied "it's up to you, but I'd like to catch up, if you can". So now I'm back to being confused. Why would he say he'd like to meet and catch up if he's not really interested in seeing me? I gave him an out but he didn't take it. lt sounds like nothing much even happened back when and he's engaged now anyway whatever it it. lt's probably more from a curious and yeah nosy point of view, unless his so called engagement is bs. So something like, actually it looks like your engaged now anyway so l wouldn't really feel right about about meeting atm. That's not closing the door outright as such but more just an atm thing, your engaged sooooo. If he becomes unengaged later or has something to explain, he could always contact you then. Really though , it sounds like your better of leaving it and starting over fresh, that gives you the chance of meeting somebody real that is into "you" and vise verse . Edited April 12, 2022 by chillii
Wiseman2 Posted April 13, 2022 Posted April 13, 2022 In time you'll need a better support system to disentangle yourself from your situation. Sure, you contacted him and he reluctantly agreed to coffee. However he can't protect you from your BF or advise you on how to sever ties and get on with your life or be a crutch. His focus is on his current relationship. Your focus needs to be getting your situation figured out.
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