The Incomplete Affair Confession, Years Later

[Just A Man]

Sooo... the short version.

 

My wife had an affair many years ago.  We went through all the drama, stay or go, and worked things out as much as we could.  There were thousands of miles between us and extended time periods.  We had been married a few years and gone through a lot.

 

I've heard most of the details, including some of the physical details.  But I still feel like at times she hasn't just "come clean" with everything all at once and apologized, though she has more than admitted fault.  The only reason it really bothers me is due to the fact that when interacting on random things, she seems to being up this time of her life quite often, and without realizing it is hurtful to me.  She was living in a place we never lived together, and the affair was with a coworker.  And she'll bring up working there like it's nothing.  We now have a child and I don't think I will ever tell the child, it's just hurtful and something they don't need to know.  And I know my wife doesn't bring these things up with malice, it's just a matter of where conversations go.

 

In the past it seemed like we never really completely cleared the issue up.  Both of us were guilty about using it when we were angry or arguing, and we never just talked it all the way out.  At one point we did go to some marriage counseling, and when the subject came up my wife put up a wall quickly.  I'm not sure if there was more to the affair than I've been told, or if it's just still embarrassing for her to others aware of it.  I've never told anyone else about it, never shamed her with her family, friends, etc.  

 

So really, I just want it all out so she understands the pain it causes when she brings up the "triggers" for me, in hopes that she will be more considerate about it.  I know enough to know it was an affair, became physical, then they remained close until she traveled to life with me again.  But my main concern is how to approach it so she knows it's all just to clear the air and end my "triggers" on the issue.  I'll be honest, I don't care if it was more in depth, intimate, longer, etc than she claimed, I've already accepted that as a possibility.  Though she's never said it out loud, I do think she was in love with the guy, and the physical relationship was very limited.  I don't think this makes her a terrible person, and she did confess when I asked.  She was talking about him quite a bit, to the extent that I honestly think she couldn't just come out and say it until asked.  

 

So what would be the best way to approach this?  I don't want to upset her over the past, I just want to communicate that I don't want her to upset me over the past.  I'd especially be interested in hearing from others that used the full confession of events to help them move forward.

[Mrin]

I see two issues here:

1) Your wife repeatedly brings up this time in her life which triggers you. Aside: I think that might trigger you whether #2 is a thing or not by the way.

2) You don't believe you got a full confession. You don't really have any proof of this but it is just a feeling. Which I get. This would be a problem regardless of whether #1 was happening. My guess is the fact #1 does happen with some degree of regularity it just sort of brings it up to you again and again 

Sound about right? 

Well, I think you start with the easiest and most straightforward thing. Tell your wife that although you know that time in her life wasn't all about the affair - every time she brings up that period in her life it hurts you. Triggers you. I would think that if she is a caring human being she would want to know that so she can change her behavior so as not to hurt her husband.

I think you can back into #2 by explaining #1 like this: "I know you're not intentionally doing this. But every time you bring up that time in your life I keep thinking back and feeling the affair. It conjures up all those old emotions and is painful to me. To make matters worse and to be really vulnerable here - I have this persistent gut feeling that there was more to your affair than what you told me. I could be totally irrational and off base on that and I get that. I admit it. I've worked really hard to get past that gut feeling. But every time you bring up that time in your life it just resurfaces for me. And there it is. I know this is the last thing you would want to do so I just wanted to let you know how this affects me."

See what she says. In fact listen very carefully to what she says and how she acts going forward. That will tell you everything you need to know about the state of your marriage.

Hope this helps!

Mrin

[Wiseman2]

Is it a new trend with marriage counseling to rehash the affair details again and again?

When trust is broken it's hard to regain. However, future cheating may be more of a concern than all the gory details of her past affair.

It's chronic humiliation for both of you to continue the interrogation. 

Can you seek out marriage counseling that focuses on rebuilding trust and respect for each other?

This method seems to be doing more harm than good.

Edited April 11, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Just A Man]

I must pay more attention.... typos and context!

Mrin you have it fairly close.  I understand #1 will happen regardless now and then, I'm just trying to limit it.  As for #2 really I think it's just more about the whole truth for her as much as me.  I'm not sure she had admitted to herself what this affair was really.  Maybe she has thought that out to herself, but not voiced it to me.  In the end if she doesn't want to go into that it won't bother me really, I just want to rid the triggers as much as possible.  She tends to shut down at times, and I want her to know that either way it's in the past, and that if there is anything to come clean about it won't be a hurdle going forward.

Wiseman2, I communicated poorly, but the counseling was not directed at the affair, but a wider scope.  We certainly wouldn't want to keep going over the event years later.  The trust has already been rebuilt, regardless of the past.

 

 

Also for context, realizing I didn't mention it before.  We spoke on the phone the day after she first slept with him, and she did attempt to tell me.  She said that something happened and I would be very upset about it.  As the conversation moved forward, she second guessed herself and said it was just because she went out with friends and ended up smoking some weed and thought I would be upset about that.  Once she got face to face with me after the discovery, she admitted that she just couldn't tell me over the phone.  And as I've said, I think she intentionally spoke of him enough to make sure I asked so she could come clean.

 

And at the risk of sounding like I'm abnormal, the discovery of the physical interaction to me was much less painful than the emotional.  Had it been simply a one night stand with a random guy it would have been much easier to deal with in my view.

[vla1120]

45 minutes ago, Just A Man said:

I'm not sure she had admitted to herself what this affair was really.  Maybe she has thought that out to herself, but not voiced it to me.  In the end if she doesn't want to go into that it won't bother me really, I just want to rid the triggers as much as possible.  She tends to shut down at times, and I want her to know that either way it's in the past, and that if there is anything to come clean about it won't be a hurdle going forward.

Part of the madness of getting over an affair is the trickle truthing. You may never know the full truth. She may not be able to reveal the full truth (especially after this extended period of time. The fact that you DO want to know the truth is a hurdle in itself. The fact that you are still triggered is also a hurdle for you.)

45 minutes ago, Just A Man said:

The trust has already been rebuilt, regardless of the past.

THIS is where you must concentrate your energy. If you have truly rebuilt the trust, then while her mentioning that period of time in passing might trigger you, it shouldn't derail you and you should be able to remind yourself that you've acknowledged it, forgiven her, and moved on. Because she believes the trust has been rebuilt, maybe she does not realize the adverse affect it has on you when she mentions that time in her life.

Maybe you could seek some individual counseling to address this issue to make sure these triggers do not derail your relationship, if you truly feel you're in a place that you can trust her again. 

Edited April 12, 2022 by vla1120

[S2B]

You don’t want to upset her by talking about the past?

dude, she purposely ruined the marriage and YOU are afraid to upset HER?

come on! Tell her if she doesn’t tell ALL - to HELP you… then there is no “marriage”.

that’s reality! Get honest with her! SHE cheated on YOU! Take your power back!!!!

[Just A Man]

13 hours ago, vla1120 said:

Part of the madness of getting over an affair is the trickle truthing. You may never know the full truth. She may not be able to reveal the full truth (especially after this extended period of time. The fact that you DO want to know the truth is a hurdle in itself. The fact that you are still triggered is also a hurdle for you.)

THIS is where you must concentrate your energy. If you have truly rebuilt the trust, then while her mentioning that period of time in passing might trigger you, it shouldn't derail you and you should be able to remind yourself that you've acknowledged it, forgiven her, and moved on. Because she believes the trust has been rebuilt, maybe she does not realize the adverse affect it has on you when she mentions that time in her life.

Maybe you could seek some individual counseling to address this issue to make sure these triggers do not derail your relationship, if you truly feel you're in a place that you can trust her again. 

We did go through the "trickle truthing" for a period of time, but mostly due to being unprepared with how to go forward if we wanted to make things work.  We also had distance, travel, other major life events, etc that made it hard to do face to face.  Once she realized that "trickle truthing" would be more hurtful in the long run, she gave me details of the entire thing, including issues that in hindsight probably didn't help either of us.  I honestly feel she had it so compartmentalized at the time that she had a hard time understanding it herself.

In hindsight, my use of the term "trigger" is probably not appropriate... more in line with an unpleasant reminder.  And as I've said, obviously not anything intentional at all, just something that can come up in coversation.

 

As for the second point, the trust is rebuilt, and it's far from a derailing experience at all.  At this point I see it as taking something we've fixed and trying to make it better.  But good points and appreciated.

 

 

7 hours ago, S2B said:

You don’t want to upset her by talking about the past?

dude, she purposely ruined the marriage and YOU are afraid to upset HER?

come on! Tell her if she doesn’t tell ALL - to HELP you… then there is no “marriage”.

that’s reality! Get honest with her! SHE cheated on YOU! Take your power back!!!!

Maybe that's your reality, but you are making assumptions about what has taken place over a number of years.  There is no need to take the power back, as it's a minor thing at this point and the real "work" or the reconciliation has already taken place.

That's my reality.  

[LAspen]

I'm sorry There are so many similar cases on forums ...

1. You made your choice many years ago. It was necessary to look for the truth at the moment when you preferred reconciliation.
2. Now the search for the truth will lead to nothing but pain for both of you. There is a proverb "don't wake a sleeping dog." It is better to put up with the past infidelity and follow your choice. Otherwise, will you make another choice?

3. Be fully honest towards yourself.  She fell in love with him and still does not stop loving him (at least emotionally). The feelings of real people do not develop in a different way. Confirmation of this is the fact that at that period she had chosen him, not you,  during a long affair and if it were possible to turn back time, she would most likely choose him again. 

4. You must realize that reconciliation is possible in behavior, in treating each other, but not in feelings such as love (sexual passion and romance). This is harsh truth. She will never throw AP out of her heart, he will always occupy a significant part of it, no matter what she says and no matter how hard she tries to work things out with you. This is human nature, and here we are all powerless. Another harsh truth. So sad, so painful, but this is the the truth proved by life... 

I wish you peace in your soul and in your mind to overcome this painful period of your life.

[Just A Man]

2 hours ago, LAspen said:

I'm sorry There are so many similar cases on forums ...

1. You made your choice many years ago. It was necessary to look for the truth at the moment when you preferred reconciliation.
2. Now the search for the truth will lead to nothing but pain for both of you. There is a proverb "don't wake a sleeping dog." It is better to put up with the past infidelity and follow your choice. Otherwise, will you make another choice?

3. Be fully honest towards yourself.  She fell in love with him and still does not stop loving him (at least emotionally). The feelings of real people do not develop in a different way. Confirmation of this is the fact that at that period she had chosen him, not you,  during a long affair and if it were possible to turn back time, she would most likely choose him again. 

4. You must realize that reconciliation is possible in behavior, in treating each other, but not in feelings such as love (sexual passion and romance). This is harsh truth. She will never throw AP out of her heart, he will always occupy a significant part of it, no matter what she says and no matter how hard she tries to work things out with you. This is human nature, and here we are all powerless. Another harsh truth. So sad, so painful, but this is the the truth proved by life... 

I wish you peace in your soul and in your mind to overcome this painful period of your life.

If this isn't the case forgive me for being so forward, but this almost just sounds like a "bottled" response.  It includes some assumptions that aren't correct such as a long affair and choosing him vs me at the time.

Though I can agree that love is love and usually not forgotten, you can also have love without lust, longing, or desire.

 

Anyway, maybe the time has changed things or maybe I'm the freak when it comes to how things impact me.  In our case we didn't use the proper resources and methods to work on things, we just figured it out as we went.  But rest assured that any additional confessions she ever made before we die would probably have little if any impact.  Due to the time that has passed and the life events, those details don't matter much.

[S2B]

The best way to approach it is to tell her point blank - write out ALL the details now. When you tell me things here and there it hurts me just like it happened today.

then after she writes it out - sit down and go through each item with her.

you wouldn’t be posting here if you didn’t hold resentments still that she has caused.

don’t assume posters here don’t understand - most have been there - done this.

[Just A Man]

50 minutes ago, S2B said:

The best way to approach it is to tell her point blank - write out ALL the details now. When you tell me things here and there it hurts me just like it happened today.

then after she writes it out - sit down and go through each item with her.

you wouldn’t be posting here if you didn’t hold resentments still that she has caused.

don’t assume posters here don’t understand - most have been there - done this.

I'm not assuming posters here don't understand, for the record I assume many or most of them do understand.

But in this case my primary issue is the unintentional triggers.  If she needs to clear the air about anything else that is her choice.

 

As for the grief she caused, it's never been denied by me.  But we had severe limits on physical proximity, job requirements, and being young and dumb enough to not seek out certain resources much earlier.

I've heard enough details to have to absorb all the pain.  But to me the frequency of details isn't a big deal.  I'm sincerely sorry if any such new information would hurt you as if it were more recent, but it's just not the case for me.  I assumed and had to accept that I might not have heard the full story or details when we decided to work to fix things.  And for that reason the "maybe" thoughts have already all been covered really.

Maybe I'm just the odd man out when it comes to this stuff, or maybe it's because it's been over 30 years since it happened.  What I've learned, what we've been through, and how we are day to day make me realize I made the right choice regardless.

I do get that every situation is different, but really most acts of infidelity involve for the most part the same elements.  The details of those elements might impact the betrayed, but really the elements that created the infidelity remain the same.  When I had my discovery period, I was hung up on the physical aspect, and as I understand it this is common for many men.  But over time I realized that the desires that lead to physical intimacy with someone else probably took a lot longer, and more effort, and the sex was just a by product of those feelings.

But at the end of the day we all have some elements of love, lust, desire, intimacy, deception, emotions, the physical acts, and the reactions they give when confronted with it after the discovery.

 

I have no desire to open wounds in either of us.  I just don't need the less than pleasant reminders that I feel are unintentional.  And being we never dealt with it all more properly the first time around, if she has anything to clear up we can.  Though some people think only of themselves when these things happen (and I did as well for years) I understand now that it takes a couple of broken people to have any physical or deep emotional affair with an unknowing betrayed spouse out there thinking life is ok.  So rather than treat her like a cheating tramp, I chose to treat her as a human that made mistakes.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Just A Man said:

It''s been over 30 years since it happened.  

Isn't it time to find peace? Rehashing details of something that long ago serves no purpose. 

If you wanted to end the marriage at that time because it was a betrayal that would have been fine.

However you've chosen to stay for 30 years since. At some point it's up to you to find a peaceful place in your mind.

The more interesting aspect is why this is haunting you now, 3 decades later? What exactly is happening now in your life that had you reliving this?

[Just A Man]

13 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Isn't it time to find peace? Rehashing details of something that long ago serves no purpose. 

If you wanted to end the marriage at that time because it was a betrayal that would have been fine.

However you've chosen to stay for 30 years since. At some point it's up to you to find a peaceful place in your mind.

The more interesting aspect is why this is haunting you now, 3 decades later? What exactly is happening now in your life that had you reliving this?

I have found peace.  I'll admit it probably took me 10 years, but as I've said we didn't look for resources to help and just kind of stumbled through the entire thing.  Over time we realized that avoiding the issue created more drama than speaking about it, so from time to time we could just discuss past mistakes in our lives, including the affair as it was.  It even reached a point we could joke about it and such.

I guess maybe that's why I'm concerned or at least trying to be prepared for the conversation if it does come up.  I'm more focused on the unpleasant reminders myself, but with this and many other things in life she has tended to bottle it all up and then when it pours out it pours out.

 

As for haunting, not even close to that.  Just making sure I don't upset her in the process of asking her to slow herself down with those reminders that slip out now and then.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Just A Man said:

 trying to be prepared for the conversation if it does come up.  

Maybe it's time to simply address the marital problems on the whole? If 30 years later you're still having issues, then focusing on this one thing is avoiding the real and current issues such as a lack of romance and connection. Maybe it's easier to think this was/is the only problem in your marriage?

[Uruktopi]

On 4/14/2022 at 8:00 PM, Just A Man said:

Though I can agree that love is love and usually not forgotten, you can also have love without lust, longing, or desire.

If that assertion about the specific nature of the kind of love between a woman an a man serves you well, take it as a significative one.

I don´t.

[Just A Man]

On 4/16/2022 at 4:48 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Maybe it's time to simply address the marital problems on the whole? If 30 years later you're still having issues, then focusing on this one thing is avoiding the real and current issues such as a lack of romance and connection. Maybe it's easier to think this was/is the only problem in your marriage?

We work on the whole picture, and this is far from the only hurdle we've experienced.  It's just something I never really addressed properly and in hindsight something I should have addressed years ago.  I guess depending on a lot of other variables, it has zero or some impact.  And the times it has some impact are unpleasant at times.

I think having a child makes it more difficult as well.  Earlier in the relationship if there were any triggers I could just address it on the spot.  These days if our child is in on the conversation, I can't really do that properly without exposing the past.

[LAspen]

People should come to terms with the two laws of reconciliation after infidelity:

1. Betrayed spouse will never forget the the pain caused by affair. Betrayer will never forget the wonderful time she (he) have spent with her (his) lover (lovers, even in one night stands).

2. Betrayed spouse will never forget that her (his) life is failure (more or less). Betrayer, no matter what she (he) says, will always believe that she (he) got everything she (he) wanted from life: pleasant memories of great moments of passion with AP (APs) and a decent safe family life with her (his) spouse and with respect from the people beyond the family (it is better not to talk about the betrayed spouse and kids).

That's why people can "reconcile" (they say so on the forums) 3, 5, 10, 20, 30 years - until death. They will always have a thorn in their soul, which will constantly cause annoyance and regret from time to time (triggers).The best result that can be achieved at the reconciliation is to come to put up with affair (affairs) and find peace or indifference (what happens most often). Let's ask ourselves honestly, was it worth it? But we voluntarily bottle ourselves with the best intentions (children, family, "she (he) is the love of my life", etc.). It's so sad.

I wish you peace in your soul and in your thoughts to overcome this situation.

 

Edited April 29, 2022 by LAspen

[Just A Man]

On 4/29/2022 at 1:51 PM, LAspen said:

People should come to terms with the two laws of reconciliation after infidelity:

1. Betrayed spouse will never forget the the pain caused by affair. Betrayer will never forget the wonderful time she (he) have spent with her (his) lover (lovers, even in one night stands).

2. Betrayed spouse will never forget that her (his) life is failure (more or less). Betrayer, no matter what she (he) says, will always believe that she (he) got everything she (he) wanted from life: pleasant memories of great moments of passion with AP (APs) and a decent safe family life with her (his) spouse and with respect from the people beyond the family (it is better not to talk about the betrayed spouse and kids).

That's why people can "reconcile" (they say so on the forums) 3, 5, 10, 20, 30 years - until death. They will always have a thorn in their soul, which will constantly cause annoyance and regret from time to time (triggers).The best result that can be achieved at the reconciliation is to come to put up with affair (affairs) and find peace or indifference (what happens most often). Let's ask ourselves honestly, was it worth it? But we voluntarily bottle ourselves with the best intentions (children, family, "she (he) is the love of my life", etc.). It's so sad.

I wish you peace in your soul and in your thoughts to overcome this situation.

 

I can agree with some points here, but others I'm not sure.

1.  Agreed that the betrayed will never forget the pain.  In some cases though I think the betrayer would wish just as hard to forget for a number of reasons.

2.  I can't speak for others, but I don't see my life as failure due to an indiscretion by my wife.  And overall I'd say that I feel as though I'm a better man for being able to accept it and move on.  As for the betrayers, I guess that depends a great deal on their frame of mine.  Though I'm sure some think they got the best of both worlds, I'm sure there are others that feel as though they lowered the bar and accepted that their values were lesser.

As for reconciliation being long term, I can agree with that.  But I surely hope for many it's far more than just indifference, and a way to strengthen relationships even further.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Just a Man, having read through your OP and the replies of the good folk on here, I have a few questions for you. Firstly, can you give us details of the situation that existed at the time your wife had her affair? Details such as your places of work since you have alluded to the fact that you were separated by thousands of miles. Were you in the military and deployed abroad at the time and how old were both of you and how long were you married at the time? Also how did you find out about the affair, did you wife confess voluntarily or did you find out on your own and if so, how? Did your wife ever display true remorse or did she expect you to just get over it once her affair was revealed? Did you place any conditions on her for reconciliation or did you sweep things under the rug and accept her proposition to reconcile without addressing the underlying issues that led to her affair? Also what was the length of her affair and was her OM a married man? 

Answers to these questions will help shed some light on the context of your situation and for ascertaining the reason , why, after 30 years you find your self on an infidelity forum seeking advice and answers to questions which should rightfully have been resolved within the first year or two of your wife's affair. 

I would also like to ask you what the state of your marriage is like at the moment? Although passions may have cooled, is there a true underlying bond of love and trust between you and your wife or are you more like housemates, just coexisting in a comfortable way with each other and avoiding stepping on each other's toes to avoid conflict. Has your wife ever reiterated that she loved you rather than the OM after a period of remorse on her part? Do both of you ever express love for each other in whatever way you express it? Is trust restored fully on both sides of the relationship? Did your wife ever explain or try to explain in her own words, why she fell prey to an affair? Is she an emotionally strong person or does she have weak boundaries? These are questions the answers to which, will help you come to terms with what is niggling in your subconscious mind about your wife's affair. Warm regards.

[Just a Guy]

Hi folks, it seems that the OP has quietly left the discussion without really arriving at a satisfactory answer to his queries. All I can say is that his subconscious mind( call it a gut feeling), is trying to tell him something but he foes not want to listen. I raised some questions for him which I thought would help him arrive at some conclusion regarding his misgivings and he needn't have come back and answered those for us but for himself. Having done so he could have returned to let us know that he had the answers. However, he has chosen to disappear. I wish him the very best going forward.

[Just A Man]

On 5/27/2022 at 10:37 AM, Just a Guy said:

Hi folks, it seems that the OP has quietly left the discussion without really arriving at a satisfactory answer to his queries.

I find it interesting how many assumptions take place concerning a simple question that I has posed.  I had a satisfactory answer early on in the discussion.  The conversation took place without any issues, and I've moved on to other things.