Dating a new lady (combined thread)

May 14, 2022

1 minute ago, Helicon5 said:

That's nice. It is an easy to find women who would give up long time friendships for a guy. It all depends on how much she brings me into her life versus how long she keeps me at arm's length. Like my BFF, if she really wanted to be with him she would be. That's how I'm look at it.

You may be misunderstanding me. People shouldn't have to give up long time friendships for their partners. Questionable friendships simply would not exist if they were inappropriate.

May 14, 2022

7 hours ago, Helicon5 said:

She didn't stay up to make sure, which is understandable considering the time, but I'm wondering if I should keep doing that this time or be aloof and not text her and make her wonder if I got home safe and see if she texts me when she wakes up later in the morning.

Obviously you say that it's about making sure you get home safely, but it seems as though you believe she is less interested in you.

Being the first to initiate a conversation always makes you wonder if the other person is averse to talking to you, which is why they didn't text you first. Perhaps this is true. Do you get a sense that you like her more than she likes you? If so, you may be better off trying to distract yourself from her vs. trying to get her to text you.

May 14, 2022

1 minute ago, glows said:

You may be misunderstanding me. People shouldn't have to give up long time friendships for their partners. Questionable friendships simply would not exist if they were inappropriate.

True.

Only time will tell. I would only be concerned if I felt like she was hiding their friendship or won't let it be known to him that we're a couple at some point. My ex did that. 3 months into our relationship she revealed that she had a long time sex buddy that had texted her and she deleted messages from him, then got mad at me one night when we were out at dinner when he texted 'hi sexy' to her and I requested of her that she texted back telling him that we were together. I want to assume that this lady is the same way or would do the same thing. She's not forward sexually at all.

May 14, 2022

7 hours ago, Helicon5 said:

but I don't want to be too over caring either, especially if she's not willing to wait up to see if I got home safe regardless of what time it is.

Dude.

It was practically dawn. It wasn't a question of being "willing" but being exhausted. Give the woman a break and be a little more realistic in your expectations.

May 14, 2022

19 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Obviously you say that it's about making sure you get home safely, but it seems as though you believe she is less interested in you.

Being the first to initiate a conversation always makes you wonder if the other person is averse to talking to you, which is why they didn't text you first. Perhaps this is true. Do you get a sense that you like her more than she likes you? If so, you may be better off trying to distract yourself from her vs. trying to get her to text you.

She always likes hearing from me and looks forward to our dates. She told me she has fun and likes being together. I can't say whose level of interest is more or less. I think she likes me a lot but is subduing showing too much until she gets to know me better. She even said last night, it takes time for her to get to know me. She knows I'd like to see her more, but she's putting on the brakes to once a week on Friday or Saturday nights for now, which is okay. I've been trying to get her to do a day thing on a Saturday because she said she really doesn't like going to bars. Should mentioned on our previous date that she'd like to go guitar shopping, but said she wants to wait until this coming Saturday to do that. She's also told me that she'd like for me to meet the guy members of her band and have me come over to jam with them at her house on a Tuesday or Thursday, but she has yet to do that either. She said she couldn't do it this past week because she had some duct work done on her house, so they didn't practice this week.

Edited May 14, 2022 by Helicon5

May 14, 2022

13 minutes ago, Helicon5 said:

She always likes hearing from me and looks forward to our dates. She told me she has fun and likes being together. I can't say whose level of interest is more or less. I think she likes me a lot but is subduing showing too much until she gets to know me better. She even said last night, it takes time for her to get to know me. She knows I'd like to see her more, but she's putting on the brakes to once a week on Friday or Saturday nights for now, which is okay. I've been trying to get her to do a day thing on a Saturday because she said she really doesn't like going to bars. She mentioned on our previous date that she'd like to go guitar shopping, but said she wants to wait until this coming Saturday to do that. She's also told me that she'd like for me to meet the guy members of her band and have me come over to jam with them at her house on a Tuesday or Thursday, but she has yet to do that either. She said she couldn't do it this past week because she had some duct work done on her house, so they didn't practice this week.

May 14, 2022

This thread is baffling me.

However I have a solution to the Jason Momoa lookalike: Pass him my way!!! Problem solved!

Op do you or have you suffered with anxiety? You’re telling us things and I’m not sure why, and I’m concluding that you’re mind is working overtime on every little detail. I promise you that this overthinking is not going to help you.

Narrow it down: Does she fit what your looking for? Do you want the same as her? If so relax and enjoy it. If not, stop seeing her.

It really is that simple.

May 14, 2022

19 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Dude.

It was practically dawn. It wasn't a question of being "willing" but being exhausted. Give the woman a break and be a little more realistic in your expectations.

I know. I don't expect her to stay up for me. She was tired.

May 14, 2022

1 hour ago, Helicon5 said:

I disagree. She has made it clear that she's only friends with him. She's been friends with him for decades and I wouldn't expect her to give it up for me. I don't distrust unless they give me reason to. She really is a sweetheart who is down to earth. She's very involved with her family and her dad and doesn't go out much.

Why are you jealous then? Hupocracy?

i have a long time friend I met in college. I was introduced to her thru mutual friends. They asked me if I had dated her yet. They nought she was interested in me.

when I talked to her she would mention things about her bf often.soidifnt try anything. As I get to know her I learned things about her that were deal breakers. Nothing wrong with it. It doesn't work with me so we have been just friends I consider close and I can talk to her about anything. One ex husband of her I know was jealous of me.

the big issues in her was that she was an avid pet lover who had a zoo at home with multiple dogs and cars. I’m very allergic to that. No way I coukd ever live with them. She also was vegitarian which is another dealbreaker for me.

May 14, 2022

52 minutes ago, Helicon5 said:

She always likes hearing from me and looks forward to our dates. She told me she has fun and likes being together. I can't say whose level of interest is more or less. I think she likes me a lot but is subduing showing too much until she gets to know me better. She even said last night, it takes time for her to get to know me. She knows I'd like to see her more, but she's putting on the brakes to once a week on Friday or Saturday nights for now, which is okay. I've been trying to get her to do a day thing on a Saturday because she said she really doesn't like going to bars. Should mentioned on our previous date that she'd like to go guitar shopping, but said she wants to wait until this coming Saturday to do that. She's also told me that she'd like for me to meet the guy members of her band and have me come over to jam with them at her house on a Tuesday or Thursday, but she has yet to do that either. She said she couldn't do it this past week because she had some duct work done on her house, so they didn't practice this week.

Okay well if it feels a tad unequal at first, don't lose hope. It can take a little bit of time for the dating relationship to get calibrated.

Ideally, dating each other will seem effortless, and will flow naturally between you both. It will not constantly lead you to question your emotions or feelings. Rather, it will encourage you to embrace them.

In time, as you see her communicating with you consistently over time, how attentive she is to what you're saying, and so forth, you may feel more and more excited about her.

Not necessarily for the instance at hand, but overall.

Edited May 14, 2022 by Alpacalia

May 14, 2022

2 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

This thread is baffling me.

However I have a solution to the Jason Momoa lookalike: Pass him my way!!! Problem solved!

Op do you or have you suffered with anxiety? You’re telling us things and I’m not sure why, and I’m concluding that you’re mind is working overtime on every little detail. I promise you that this overthinking is not going to help you.

Narrow it down: Does she fit what your looking for? Do you want the same as her? If so relax and enjoy it. If not, stop seeing her.

It really is that simple.

Everything has been going absolutely great, but naturally there's always a little anxiety in the beginning until I get to know her better. No matter how many times things fail to my past I always try to stay optimistic. She's been a total sweetheart and I have no real reason to be concerned over anything as of yet.

May 14, 2022

28 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

Why are you jealous then? Hupocracy?

i have a long time friend I met in college. I was introduced to her thru mutual friends. They asked me if I had dated her yet. They nought she was interested in me.

when I talked to her she would mention things about her bf often.soidifnt try anything. As I get to know her I learned things about her that were deal breakers. Nothing wrong with it. It doesn't work with me so we have been just friends I consider close and I can talk to her about anything. One ex husband of her I know was jealous of me.

the big issues in her was that she was an avid pet lover who had a zoo at home with multiple dogs and cars. I’m very allergic to that. No way I coukd ever live with them. She also was vegitarian which is another dealbreaker for me.

There's.a difference between being jealous and being cautious. I don't know her well enough yet to decide what's a deal breaker and what isn't. That's why I'd like to spend more time with her to see. People take their time for two reasons, either it means they like you a lot and want something more, or because they're hiding something they don't want you to know about. I don't think it's the latter, but until I know more there's always that 1% chance. I'm trying not to be "the glass is half empty" guy this time around based on bad past experiences.

May 14, 2022

1 hour ago, Helicon5 said:

True.

Only time will tell. I would only be concerned if I felt like she was hiding their friendship or won't let it be known to him that we're a couple at some point. My ex did that. 3 months into our relationship she revealed that she had a long time sex buddy that had texted her and she deleted messages from him, then got mad at me one night when we were out at dinner when he texted 'hi sexy' to her and I requested of her that she texted back telling him that we were together. I want to assume that this lady is the same way or would do the same thing. She's not forward sexually at all.

All you can do is remain observant and don't overinvest.

You are overinvesting too early too much leaving her house late at night and getting too worried about why she doesn't stay up to hear from you that you made it home late at night. Dial it back a bit and keep the dates varied also. Go out and experience things together. Spending routine nights in and late nights like this can get old and stale very quickly.

May 14, 2022

1 hour ago, Helicon5 said:

I know. I don't expect her to stay up for me. She was tired.

That's not what this thread makes it sound like.

You sound offended that she didn't.

May 14, 2022

59 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

That's not what this thread makes it sound like.

You sound offended that she didn't.

Not so much as offended. I don't mind that she didn't stay up. She was tired. I knew that Maybe a little disappointed that she didn't inquire first when she woke up this morning, but it's cool.

May 14, 2022

2 hours ago, glows said:

All you can do is remain observant and don't overinvest.

You are overinvesting too early too much leaving her house late at night and getting too worried about why she doesn't stay up to hear from you that you made it home late at night. Dial it back a bit and keep the dates varied also. Go out and experience things together. Spending routine nights in and late nights like this can get old and stale very quickly.

I agree, but only seeing bands on a Friday or Saturday night is getting old as well. I mean we have fun, don't get me wrong, but I don't know what else to suggest that we do. I've suggested that I'd like to plan something during the day on Saturday and even she mentioned that she would like to go guitar shopping, but she keeps putting it off. She says Saturday during the day is usually her rest day because she's tired from work. On Tuesday when I asked her if she wanted to go to the guitar store yesterday (Saturday) for our date instead of going to see a band last night she said we can do that this coming weekend, but didn't re-iterate doing that when I left her place last night. I don't mind taking the lead, but not all the time. After our date it would be nice to hear her say, do you want to come over and and meet my band guys or go to the music store? Like I said, she has a great time and likes being together, but I feel like I'm doing all the chasing to get her to do things she suggested she'd like to do.

Edited May 14, 2022 by Helicon5

May 14, 2022

5 minutes ago, Helicon5 said:

I agree, but only seeing bands on a Friday or Saturday night is getting old as well. I mean we have fun, don't get me wrong, but I don't know what else to suggest that we do. I've suggested that I'd like to plan something during the day on Saturday and even she mentioned that she would like to go guitar shopping, but she keeps putting it off. She says Saturday during the day is usually her rest day because she's tired from work. On Tuesday when I asked her if she wanted to go to the guitar store yesterday (Saturday) for our date instead of going to see a band last night she said we can do that this coming weekend, but didn't re-iterate doing that when I left her place last night. I don't mind taking the lead, but not all the time. After our date it would be nice to hear her say, do you want to come over and and meet my band guys or go to the music store? Like I said, she has a great time and likes being together, but I feel like I'm doing all the chasing.

What else do you know about her? Her likes and dislikes? What I've usually had are questions about what I do in my free time. Then someone proposes something, asking what my thoughts are. You're dating to get a sense of that person's life, what makes them excited, get up each morning, rinse and repeat. You're also dating to see whether someone is all-rounded and has hobbies and interests that relate to yours. You may not be identical or similar all the time but there has to be some interest in one another's lives.

The sleeping together and sex, late nights, these are all part of bonding with your partner. Intimacy is important but not without more substance such as a solid interest in one another's lives or what keeps you both excited and passionate about life, things fall apart quickly. Keep up that momentum of learning more about one another. I should also add your zest for life may not always match but there has to be some similarity in your outlook. Someone calmer might get along with someone a bit more excitable and so on but you still share similar outlook.

May 14, 2022

@Helicon5not sure why such an over focus on her calling to make sure you got home OK. It's strange to me..

Unless there was inclement weather or you were impaired in some way, you're a grown man, it is assumed that as a grown man, you made it home OK.

I know many men who actually prefer a woman NOT be overly concerned about something as trivial as that, he would feel emasculated. She is not your mum after all, she is a woman you are dating.

So try to move on from that moving forward and best of luck she sounds very nice I hope it works out.

Edited May 14, 2022 by Sabrina1990

May 15, 2022

9 hours ago, Sabrina1990 said:

@Helicon5not sure why such an over focus on her calling to make sure you got home OK. It's strange to me..

I think because, in general, he feels she doesn't inititate as much as he does and it bothers him.

Her not waiting up is fine in my books, too. It was incredibly late and I would have passed out as well. But reading his other posts, OP's frustration isn't really related to that. It seems more related to the fact that she doesn't invite him to do things and doesn't reach out much unless he does first.

That's my take on it, anyway.

May 16, 2022

On 5/15/2022 at 3:43 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

I think because, in general, he feels she doesn't inititate as much as he does and it bothers him.

Her not waiting up is fine in my books, too. It was incredibly late and I would have passed out as well. But reading his other posts, OP's frustration isn't really related to that. It seems more related to the fact that she doesn't invite him to do things and doesn't reach out much unless he does first.

That's my take on it, anyway.

Exactly right. We're going on our fifth date and 6 weeks and she doesn't initiate any contact in between or is forward on our dates as far as holding hands, touching, kissing. She's receptive when I do it, but doesn't initiate it herself. She always enjoys hearing from me and looks forward to our dates and has a great time on our dates, but doesn't initiate anything. You're correct, it does bother me. Given what I just stated I don't understand why she seems to be holding back when she's let me know that she's attracted to me. She told me her longtime famous friend she's not attracted to. She said they kissed at one time, but she didn't feel it with him and he's into Hollywood girls and lifestyle, and she's not that way. She said she rarely sees him, but he's always after her to be a couple and they text everyday. I'm not sure why she's divulging so much information about him, especially on our first date when she mentioned him. He must carry considerable weight in her life for her to mention him on the first state and tell me all that on our last date. The question is, should I see this as a red flag or does she really just want to keep their relationship platonic? Could it be that she is attracted to him, but just holding out until he's done with the Hollywood lifestyle? Why does she keep him in her life if she's not attracted to him and they rarely see each other? What I don't understand is, the whole point of going out on dates is because you're attracted to someone. She's attracted to me and according to her she's not attracted to him, but yet they text everyday and our communication in between dates is non-existent except for cordiality in setting up the next date. She likes when the guy leads, but the fact that she doesn't initiate anything makes me feel like I'm rushing things and pushing myself on her. I see her as this petite, sexy china doll that I'm nervous to be too forward with because I don't know if she wants me to be that way just yet. I don't know if I should try contacting her more as far as calling or texting because that's what she wants or back off and make her do it. She told me the last guy she went out with 2 months ago (not the famous guy, someone else). She said he was a nice guy, but he stalked her and never took her anywhere because he was jealous of other guys at bars coming up to her. I don't do any of that. She hasn't given me any reason to believe that she's interested in seeing anyone else, so I don't understand why she's holding back. I've been perfect gentleman on our dates and I don't give her a reason to think that I would be interested in anyone else either. I'm perplexed by the whole situation.

Edited May 16, 2022 by Helicon5

May 16, 2022

This is our text after our last date after I left her house late Friday night/early Saturday morning. It was 11am when I texted her.

Me: Good morning. Hope you slept well.

Her: Hey, good morning. I did, thanks. Still kinda tired though. I plan to take a few naps today, lol. Hope you have a great day.

Me: I'll probably get in a little extra rest myself. I don't have to drive anywhere today. lol. You have a great day as well.

I haven't heard back after that. Usually after our dates on Friday this is how it goes. Then on Monday I'll text her good morning and tell her I'll call her later, to which her reply is "I'd like that". I've called her only twice, both times on Monday. She has never called me. She said that's the best day because her other weekday nights are full between band practice and getting together with her family to play cards on Wednesday nights. But what I don't understand is if she has the time to converse with her famous BFF guy friend everyday through text why does she wait days for me to initiate contact and only keep it short and sweet? She ends our text conversation quick with "have a great day".

May 16, 2022

Perhaps it's time to concede that you are not compatible with this woman.

You and she have different dating styles and it's already causing issues. She's also for some reason keen to let you know about her sexy actor friend and the role he has in her life. Honestly, it sounds like she's got a big ego and enjoys being fawned over and chased. She likes that he desires her, just as she likes that you desire her.

But is this really working for you?

May 16, 2022

On 4/30/2022 at 4:05 PM, Wiseman2 said:

There are probably some women who only look for foodie calls just like there men who only look for booty calls.

These gender stereotypes really do no one any good. Take each person/situation for who/what it is not some meme.

Go on the date without the tin hat and hope for the best with confidence that she is dating because she likes you, not because she's hungry.

She hardly eats or drinks. She doesn't push to eat either. She could care less about eating. The last time she only had 2 drinks, so It isn't that.

May 16, 2022

14 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Perhaps it's time to concede that you are not compatible with this woman.

You and she have different dating styles and it's already causing issues. She's also for some reason keen to let you know about her sexy actor friend and the role he has in her life. Honestly, it sounds like she's got a big ego and enjoys being fawned over and chased. She likes that he desires her, just as she likes that you desire her.

But is this really working for you?

You're right and I agree, she does like being fawned over apparently. No, I can't say it is working for me, but I really like her and I'm having a hard time giving up just yet. She sweet and not a tramp like everyone else I've been with. She stays home a lot and is very family-oriented. She also doesn't like bars. She says she needs to get to know me. Maybe it's because she has trust issues because of the last guy she went out with, so she's being cautious. I spoke with my own brother and he says the same thing you did that maybe we're not compatible. I don't know. My bro had some great insight into why he keeps pursuing her. It's because he likes to thrill of the chase he's not able to get. He's been with gorgeous Hollywood women, but he can't get this simple cute woman he desires, so he keeps trying. She has initiated contact after a date once or twice, but not after several days of me not contacting her.

Edited May 16, 2022 by Helicon5

May 16, 2022

You're way too focused on this other guy, OP.

There's also every chance that he isn't pursuing her quite as hard as she claims. Unless you've seen the messages yourself, who knows if he's actually as head-over-heels as she says. Regardless, why he does this or that is irrelevant.

What's relevant is that things between you and her are not working for you.

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