Ryan_B Posted April 10, 2022 Posted April 10, 2022 Hello. I've posted a few times on here, but just wanted to post an updated post now that everything is settled down for me, and see if I can get any words of adviced or whatever! So my wife left me in July 2020. When she left, she took our children with her and stopped me seeing them. I hired a solicitor to help me and after court appearances I was given a "live with" order, which means they live with me three weekends in every four aswell as every Wednesday nights. (I haven't ever done anything wrong and there was no reason for her to stop me seeing them!). She moved into a new house with her new partner (and our girls) about two months after she left me and they are still together now. We finally finalised our divorce a couple of months ago, so everything that I needed to get sorted, has been. The trouble is, I keep feeling really jealous of her life now. She's deeply in love it seems, she goes to the gym twice a week with him (when she was with me, she never wanted to go anywhere with me, and exercise was a big no no, so the fact she now goes to the gym etc is a massive change for her. I've dated a couple of girls over the last year/18 months but none have really developed into much. I feel really jealous of the obvious intimacy she has with him, the happiness they seem to have together and just that connection they have, it makes me feel really low. I don't want her back, I never would, but I would love to have that kind of life she has got with someone else. I just can't seem to stay happy fir long, I have moments/days where I am happy and enjoy doing things, but it's always in my mind that I'm single, have a failed marriage and that this is probably going to be how my life will continue, for an extremely long time atleast. I feel such a failure for how my life has gone to pot, and I can't see any happiness (other than with my children who are my world and I love the precious time I get with them). 1
Gaeta Posted April 10, 2022 Posted April 10, 2022 1 hour ago, Ryan_B said: I don't want her back, I never would, but I would love to have that kind of life she has got with someone else. Then concentrate on being the best version of yourself to welcome that next special someone in your life. Accept this new man is a better fit for her that's why she looks happy and act happy.....that is available to you as well. Life goes on, you grab it or you waste it, your decision. If you cannot emotionnally work through this then seek therapy, it should be part of your plan on becomming the better version of yourself. 4
lonelyplanetmoon Posted April 10, 2022 Posted April 10, 2022 3 hours ago, Ryan_B said: I feel such a failure for how my life has gone to pot, and I can't see any happiness (other than with my children who are my world and I love the precious time I get with them). I think a lot of people can relate to how you are feeling. It stings the ego to see the other person be happy. But you need to do the work on yourself to realize it is only your ego that is making you feel this way. If you truly cared for your ex as a person, you would be happy for her that she is happy. I think the mistake we make when we are dumped is to think we are dumped for someone better. The idea of “Better” will forever crush your ego. It just cannot take it. But if you can rise above and rewrite you story to say that they found something “different”. Then your ego will understand that her leaving was not about you being less or her loving you less. But that it was about her and her own individual needs. I did struggle for a while but when another poster here wrote about this realization. It knocked me out of my funk and helped me to heal. 7
glows Posted April 10, 2022 Posted April 10, 2022 If you’re always comparing yourself to her you’re living by someone else’s standards too. Start cultivating interests independent of dating or romance. People want to be around others who are all rounded or have passions and interests not governed solely by dating and romance. Set your own standards for what you want out of your life. You only have one so live it to the fullest. 3
Perdu Posted April 10, 2022 Posted April 10, 2022 Maybe you can try to see her new life to be more of an inspiration that a reason for jelousy. Like if she could find a person that she's happy with and she made positive changes about herself, it's an example that one can have a happy life after divorce and so can you! Focus on (re)discovering yourself, on your career/ fatherhood/hobbies/your unique skills and assets (as everyone has them), improve what you don't like about yourself and consider that there is more to life than being in a relationship. When you'll find the value in yourself again, be sure that the ladies out there will see it too and gravitate towards it. Date only when you feel ready to, try not to date out of desperation or just because you want to match your love life with others, no good relationship can come out of that. As the grass seems greener on the other side, comparing yourself to others is on a regular basis is a direct lane to unhappiness, so you must train yourself into not doing that. Everyone has their own path, put the efforts in finding yours, independent of your ex and her standards of life. 3
Calmandfocused Posted April 10, 2022 Posted April 10, 2022 You have to remember that she is only presenting to you what she wants you to see. Her life may appear all “sunshine and roses” in your eyes but the reality could be very different. Look at it another way. She monkey branched from one Serious relationship (with you) to another. No time to reflect, no time to adjust, heal, learn etc. For this reason she is likely to make the same mistakes with her new partner that she did with you. You on the other hand have an opportunity in which to work on yourself and be happy. You don’t need a partner to be happy, but happiness increases your chances by default and you will be the best version of yourself when you do meet someone special. Next time you feel jealous remind yourself that this is a lady who took your children away from you for no reason at all. If I was her partner I’d be wondering and waiting what bombshell will be thrown my way sooner or later. Don’t envy his position. Be grateful of yours. 3
Ami1uwant Posted April 11, 2022 Posted April 11, 2022 10 hours ago, Ryan_B said: Hello. I've posted a few times on here, but just wanted to post an updated post now that everything is settled down for me, and see if I can get any words of adviced or whatever! So my wife left me in July 2020. When she left, she took our children with her and stopped me seeing them. I hired a solicitor to help me and after court appearances I was given a "live with" order, which means they live with me three weekends in every four aswell as every Wednesday nights. (I haven't ever done anything wrong and there was no reason for her to stop me seeing them!). She moved into a new house with her new partner (and our girls) about two months after she left me and they are still together now. We finally finalised our divorce a couple of months ago, so everything that I needed to get sorted, has been. The trouble is, I keep feeling really jealous of her life now. She's deeply in love it seems, she goes to the gym twice a week with him (when she was with me, she never wanted to go anywhere with me, and exercise was a big no no, so the fact she now goes to the gym etc is a massive change for her. I've dated a couple of girls over the last year/18 months but none have really developed into much. I feel really jealous of the obvious intimacy she has with him, the happiness they seem to have together and just that connection they have, it makes me feel really low. I don't want her back, I never would, but I would love to have that kind of life she has got with someone else. I just can't seem to stay happy fir long, I have moments/days where I am happy and enjoy doing things, but it's always in my mind that I'm single, have a failed marriage and that this is probably going to be how my life will continue, for an extremely long time atleast. I feel such a failure for how my life has gone to pot, and I can't see any happiness (other than with my children who are my world and I love the precious time I get with them). Let’s separate out the past fir the moment… youare about to be divorced and you will still see your kids? Why do you care about the ex? her leaving you….was it a surprise or expected?
ironpony Posted April 11, 2022 Posted April 11, 2022 This is kind of relate-able to me because a few years ago, I had a fiancee, and she ended up cheating on me, things didn't work out, and so I broke up with her. She ended up marrying another guy, and even though I broke it off because there was problems, there were still feelings there and I was still jealous of her getting married. However, after I started a new relationship now, I never think about my ex at all now or her marriage, so perhaps if you date other people and even start a new relationship, maybe it will hopefully go away therefore, because that are of your life will be filled again. I hope this helps.
chillii Posted April 11, 2022 Posted April 11, 2022 Yeah , agree with aboves , and what only 2mths after separating from you? , lt might look all roses but l'd be very surprised if they're still here in 10yrs time. You on the other hand will probably be genuinely happily remarried and for a long time , in 10 yrs time. lt's only been 2yrs , you haven't even had the time to work through what's happened yet or to find you again. Your ex though has jumped straight out of the pan and into the fire, rebounded, and with zero time in between to figure things out. They''ll usually think they have it all stitched up but 2yrs is absolutely nothing at all after marriage. You have time and the chance now to do and be whatever you want in life that can be still managed with having kids , find yourself and to chose your future and partner wisely and in your own sweet time. Ex looks all rosy now , but lets just see about that later on.
Author Ryan_B Posted April 11, 2022 Author Posted April 11, 2022 Thank you all for the responses. I think I find it hard to see her so happy now aswell, because when we were together, for the last two years of the marriage, I was sleeping on the sofa, we never went out together, we never kissed, cuddled, held hands and no sexual/intimate times at all, and to go from that, to now seeing her the complete opposite with someone is still quite hard to take. I don't get that much free time to myself, I work full time and have the girls with me most weekends, but I feel completely lonely still, getting home from work every night going to an empty flat etc, going to bed alone, even just watching TV all alone, it really is getting to me, and I don't see how it can or will change!
Wiseman2 Posted April 11, 2022 Posted April 11, 2022 On 4/10/2022 at 1:05 PM, Ryan_B said: We finally finalised our divorce a couple of months ago, so everything that I needed to get sorted, has been. Sorry this is happening. It's hitting you now like a tsunami because it's so real and fresh and raw after signing those papers. However with time, you will see yourself as a free man not an onlooker. Your brain and heart are fried from the fight, the battle. But this is not permanent state. 2
Gaeta Posted April 12, 2022 Posted April 12, 2022 17 hours ago, Ryan_B said: Thank you all for the responses. I think I find it hard to see her so happy now aswell, because when we were together, for the last two years of the marriage, I was sleeping on the sofa, we never went out together, we never kissed, cuddled, held hands and no sexual/intimate times at all, and to go from that, to now seeing her the complete opposite with someone is still quite hard to take. I don't get that much free time to myself, I work full time and have the girls with me most weekends, but I feel completely lonely still, getting home from work every night going to an empty flat etc, going to bed alone, even just watching TV all alone, it really is getting to me, and I don't see how it can or will change! Stop looking at her life. We all feel that loneliness when we lose someone we love, it's part of going through a heartbreak. It takes a while for the brain to create new pathways. I am single 18 months. My ex crosses my mind still every day but it's not painful anymore. If it feels lonely to go back home after work then don't, go to the gym, go play basketball, go swim, fill your evenings with something else. It will pass. 1
glows Posted April 12, 2022 Posted April 12, 2022 18 hours ago, Ryan_B said: Thank you all for the responses. I think I find it hard to see her so happy now aswell, because when we were together, for the last two years of the marriage, I was sleeping on the sofa, we never went out together, we never kissed, cuddled, held hands and no sexual/intimate times at all, and to go from that, to now seeing her the complete opposite with someone is still quite hard to take. I don't get that much free time to myself, I work full time and have the girls with me most weekends, but I feel completely lonely still, getting home from work every night going to an empty flat etc, going to bed alone, even just watching TV all alone, it really is getting to me, and I don't see how it can or will change! Try finding strength and peace in the solitude. Honestly it’s not attractive to be too needy. Self-soothe. Meeting someone will come in time. Don’t rush these things. 1
notbroken Posted April 12, 2022 Posted April 12, 2022 The future is up to you. Make a good life. Don't worry about what she is up to. Let that go. The sooner the better. Be the best you that you can be. Get in the gym yourself. Be good to yourself. It is not a 'contest', but I'd bet anything you end up better off than she is (she rushed into another relationship and the shine will wear off it too - you can be sure of that). Good luck.
Perdu Posted April 12, 2022 Posted April 12, 2022 19 hours ago, Ryan_B said: Thank you all for the responses. I think I find it hard to see her so happy now aswell, because when we were together, for the last two years of the marriage, I was sleeping on the sofa, we never went out together, we never kissed, cuddled, held hands and no sexual/intimate times at all, and to go from that, to now seeing her the complete opposite with someone is still quite hard to take. I don't get that much free time to myself, I work full time and have the girls with me most weekends, but I feel completely lonely still, getting home from work every night going to an empty flat etc, going to bed alone, even just watching TV all alone, it really is getting to me, and I don't see how it can or will change! First of all, I realize that this is really hard for you, but it's not a permanent state. It will get better in time, it always does. And, as you are framing the last 2 years of the marriage, it seems that you were also pretty alone and unhappy since back then, as there wasn't anything romantic anymore. At least now you are free to find someone that can actually fulfill your romantic needs, instead of being stuck in a bad situation. So you can try to see this moment in your life just like it is, a next step towards something better. Seems to me that you are putting pressure on yourself to get to a state in which you'll be happy, but that pressure is hot hepful at all. May I also suggest that, instead of focusing on what you lack, you can focus on what you've been blessed with: your children, friends, family, health etc and allow yourself time to heal. Regarding your ex, stop assuming that she's living the perfect life, you have no idea how her inner life really is. She may not be as happy as you assume, maybe she's compensating by putting up a great facade to hide her own struggles with your separation. People process pain in different ways, some just hide it better.
smackie9 Posted April 12, 2022 Posted April 12, 2022 Get a dog....go to the pound and find a rescue to share your time/life with. A loving pet can make a huge difference. 3
Author Ryan_B Posted April 13, 2022 Author Posted April 13, 2022 23 hours ago, smackie9 said: Get a dog....go to the pound and find a rescue to share your time/life with. A loving pet can make a huge difference. If I could, I would! But unfortunately the flat I rent doesn't allow pets and I barely have enough money to keep myself and my girls fed, let alone feeding an animal aswell! The stupid thing is, this whole "jealousy" that I'm feeling, it's not just regarding my ex. I have a few friends, not many, just 4 or 5 that I speak too occasionally and only 2 or 3 of them that I really see. They've all got really good, well paid jobs and can do what they want, buy what they want and go where they want. I obviously have really limited time as I work full time and then have my girls quite often, but to just have a little freedom or money etc would be great, and to have friends that I could see more often even better. I saw one of my friends this evening, just for an hour. He was showing me around his new house he's just bought, telling me all the plans, the work he's going to carry out there etc, and then telling me how he's going away with old university friends this weekend. I would love to be able to go away with friends, have my own place that I own, have that well paid job etc. But I don't. I work full time for minimum wage, and because of the schedule I have with the girls (which I wouldn't change as I obviously love having them) I can't get a different job even if I wanted too because I need specific hours on specific days etc. One of my other mates said to me a few months back that he was offered a job elsewhere but couldn't take it as he'd "only" be earning £24,500 a year, which would be a £6000 drop. I don't even earn £16000 a year! It seems like everyone else has their lives all sorted and have done amazingly well, and here I am, failing at pretty much everything!
smackie9 Posted April 13, 2022 Posted April 13, 2022 6 minutes ago, Ryan_B said: If I could, I would! But unfortunately the flat I rent doesn't allow pets and I barely have enough money to keep myself and my girls fed, let alone feeding an animal aswell! The stupid thing is, this whole "jealousy" that I'm feeling, it's not just regarding my ex. I have a few friends, not many, just 4 or 5 that I speak too occasionally and only 2 or 3 of them that I really see. They've all got really good, well paid jobs and can do what they want, buy what they want and go where they want. I obviously have really limited time as I work full time and then have my girls quite often, but to just have a little freedom or money etc would be great, and to have friends that I could see more often even better. I saw one of my friends this evening, just for an hour. He was showing me around his new house he's just bought, telling me all the plans, the work he's going to carry out there etc, and then telling me how he's going away with old university friends this weekend. I would love to be able to go away with friends, have my own place that I own, have that well paid job etc. But I don't. I work full time for minimum wage, and because of the schedule I have with the girls (which I wouldn't change as I obviously love having them) I can't get a different job even if I wanted too because I need specific hours on specific days etc. One of my other mates said to me a few months back that he was offered a job elsewhere but couldn't take it as he'd "only" be earning £24,500 a year, which would be a £6000 drop. I don't even earn £16000 a year! It seems like everyone else has their lives all sorted and have done amazingly well, and here I am, failing at pretty much everything! Too much pity party going on here. I know single mothers with absolutely no support are able to get a degree/education at night, still work and raise their kids. Weekends and Wednesday nights are not hard to navigate with most jobs. Too much saying I can't I can't I can't have, when you should be pulling up yer boot straps and figure something out. Like doing side work, working overtime, second part time job (Amazon). There's a way out of this you just have to get on it. 3
Author Ryan_B Posted April 13, 2022 Author Posted April 13, 2022 6 minutes ago, smackie9 said: Too much pity party going on here. I know single mothers with absolutely no support are able to get a degree/education at night, still work and raise their kids. Weekends and Wednesday nights are not hard to navigate with most jobs. Too much saying I can't I can't I can't have, when you should be pulling up yer boot straps and figure something out. Like doing side work, working overtime, second part time job (Amazon). There's a way out of this you just have to get on it. I've tried, believe me I have. But this is my weeks schedule- Monday- work 8-6:30 Tuesday-work 8-6:30 Wednesday- work 8-2:30 then have the girls from school pick up time, Thursday- work 9:30-6, friday- work 8-2:30 then the girls from school pick up till Sunday night. So I really don't know how or when I can do anything else, in any spare time I have I'm either food shopping, I see one friend on a Monday evening (the only "social" part of my life that I have) and to be honest, I get so tired from my job (it's pretty physical most the time) I don't even know if I'd be able to cope with another job. I know it looks like I'm making excuses for everything, but I'm really not. I've explored any kind of possibilities that I can think of and can't come up with any answers! On the days I work 8-6:30, which is 10.5 hours, I only have one 15 minute tea break, no other lunch breaks or anything, so the thought of doing that and then having an evening job seems pretty tough going! I don't like being so negative and down, I used to be one of the happiest people you'd meet, but things have changed and I just can't see how to get back to that happy me again! 1
Calmandfocused Posted April 14, 2022 Posted April 14, 2022 11 hours ago, Ryan_B said: If I could, I would! But unfortunately the flat I rent doesn't allow pets and I barely have enough money to keep myself and my girls fed, let alone feeding an animal aswell! The stupid thing is, this whole "jealousy" that I'm feeling, it's not just regarding my ex. I have a few friends, not many, just 4 or 5 that I speak too occasionally and only 2 or 3 of them that I really see. They've all got really good, well paid jobs and can do what they want, buy what they want and go where they want. I obviously have really limited time as I work full time and then have my girls quite often, but to just have a little freedom or money etc would be great, and to have friends that I could see more often even better. I saw one of my friends this evening, just for an hour. He was showing me around his new house he's just bought, telling me all the plans, the work he's going to carry out there etc, and then telling me how he's going away with old university friends this weekend. I would love to be able to go away with friends, have my own place that I own, have that well paid job etc. But I don't. I work full time for minimum wage, and because of the schedule I have with the girls (which I wouldn't change as I obviously love having them) I can't get a different job even if I wanted too because I need specific hours on specific days etc. One of my other mates said to me a few months back that he was offered a job elsewhere but couldn't take it as he'd "only" be earning £24,500 a year, which would be a £6000 drop. I don't even earn £16000 a year! It seems like everyone else has their lives all sorted and have done amazingly well, and here I am, failing at pretty Ryan I am British. I am a single mother. My children live with me pretty much full time (dad every other weekend). I work full time in a senior position, and I earn a lot more than that! I hate to say it but you’re making excuses. You are not stuck. Many U.K. employers offer flexible working patterns to accommodate outside responsibilities. All you need to do is either ask or apply through a flexible working policy request. There is nothing to stop you taking extra courses/ training so you can increase your skill set and get a higher paid position. Stop the mindset of “ I can’t because …” and start thinking “ yes I can”. Be flexible with yourself and the rest will follow. You are your biggest obstacle. Not your circumstances. 3
Trail Blazer Posted April 14, 2022 Posted April 14, 2022 @Ryan_B Hey bro, I just wanted to reach out and say that I found your story really sad. I've been in a similar position (my ex didn't move on that quickly though), where I battled to see my kids, had little money (at the time) and felt very lonely. I can't say that things will get better by default. All I can say is that my life got so amazingly better than the terrible marriage I was in, but it took time. Years, years of working on myself, cancelling out the noise and distractions of what she was doing, and just focusing on myself. Almost five years on and I have my kids fairly regularly (more than in the beginning that's for sure), I have a wonderful and supportive girlfriend, I've since landed a great job so I can afford a lot more than back when I was married, and I am generally so much happier than I ever thought possible. Stay the course, bro! Chin up and never give up! If you ever feel you need to get stuff off your chest, just DM me and let it out. I know how much it sucks and I know how society doesn't give a s*** about men and expects us to just suck it up and be a man.
glows Posted April 14, 2022 Posted April 14, 2022 14 hours ago, Ryan_B said: If I could, I would! But unfortunately the flat I rent doesn't allow pets and I barely have enough money to keep myself and my girls fed, let alone feeding an animal aswell! The stupid thing is, this whole "jealousy" that I'm feeling, it's not just regarding my ex. I have a few friends, not many, just 4 or 5 that I speak too occasionally and only 2 or 3 of them that I really see. They've all got really good, well paid jobs and can do what they want, buy what they want and go where they want. I obviously have really limited time as I work full time and then have my girls quite often, but to just have a little freedom or money etc would be great, and to have friends that I could see more often even better. I saw one of my friends this evening, just for an hour. He was showing me around his new house he's just bought, telling me all the plans, the work he's going to carry out there etc, and then telling me how he's going away with old university friends this weekend. I would love to be able to go away with friends, have my own place that I own, have that well paid job etc. But I don't. I work full time for minimum wage, and because of the schedule I have with the girls (which I wouldn't change as I obviously love having them) I can't get a different job even if I wanted too because I need specific hours on specific days etc. One of my other mates said to me a few months back that he was offered a job elsewhere but couldn't take it as he'd "only" be earning £24,500 a year, which would be a £6000 drop. I don't even earn £16000 a year! It seems like everyone else has their lives all sorted and have done amazingly well, and here I am, failing at pretty much everything! Maybe mull over that “jealousy” a bit and use it as a springboard and motivation to achieve your goals whether big or small. Start with a general idea of where you want to be and have a vision and then start collecting the info and details you need to follow through. Put it together like building blocks. You start with an idea whether it’s from wanting or being curious about something that you’ve always liked or dreamed of. The sticky part is in not doing anything about it and remaining paralyzed in one spot. Stay motivated and feed your dreams slowly, bit by bit, whatever they are.
Wiseman2 Posted April 14, 2022 Posted April 14, 2022 13 hours ago, Ryan_B said: friday- work 8-2:30 then the girls from school pick up till Sunday night. Consider revising your custody/visitation schedule. The way you have it now you're babysitting all weekend every weekend so your ex and her lover have time for their relationship to florish. In the meantime you'll never have time to meet people or date if you have custody all weekend, every weekend. Consider every other weekend or something more equatable.
Author Ryan_B Posted April 14, 2022 Author Posted April 14, 2022 1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said: Consider revising your custody/visitation schedule. The way you have it now you're babysitting all weekend every weekend so your ex and her lover have time for their relationship to florish. In the meantime you'll never have time to meet people or date if you have custody all weekend, every weekend. Consider every other weekend or something more equatable. When it was going through the courts, the courts agreed that I needed the girls most weekends because my ex couldn't be trusted to have them more (she palms them off to others when she does have them, she can't cope with our youngest one's health issues and she never seems to really "want* them, and having my girls with me is always special and to be honest, I'd rather not give up on my time with them, as no matter how low or lonely I feel, the thought of only seeing them once every couple of weeks after I've had such regular time with them just doesn't sit right with me
Alpacalia Posted April 14, 2022 Posted April 14, 2022 On 4/10/2022 at 10:05 AM, Ryan_B said: I feel such a failure for how my life has gone to pot, and I can't see any happiness (other than with my children who are my world and I love the precious time I get with them). You're not a failure though. You're a devoted and loving father. I bet more than anything they really love and admire you too and have a bright future ahead of them with such a supportive father. As for your ex wife, you're giving her too much power. She's not a measuring stick that defines you.
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