Ami1uwant Posted April 10, 2022 Posted April 10, 2022 12 hours ago, Perdu said: 36 F here, I've met a guy (35) through a dating app. We chatted for about 4 days. While chatting, he seemed like an appropriate match, the only thing I didn't like was the sex hits that he was giving from time to time, to which I didn't respond, because they seemed out of place for me. But I decided to give him a chance, since I know that some guys can be bad at flirting, especially if they haven't been on the market for too long or they are not very experienced with women. The date was better than expected, it lasted for hours, he seemed like a serious person (good education, good job, fairly attractive), we had a lot of debate on various common topics and I felt great intellectual compatibility. Unfortunately, I wasn't feeling comfortable enough for anything physical, we both seemed to be in intellectual/debate mode and didn't evolve beyond that, especially since I could feel like he's an introvert who studied how to behave and makes textbooks moves, that don't seem natural to his nature. Also, I should mention that it takes a while for me to get intimate with some men (not all), and also felt rigid because he was very straightforward with physical contact while I wasn't sending any signals that I would welcome. I gently explained to him that I would like to see him again, but he needs to step back a little and let me get close to him at my own pace. He seemed to agree to my request, said that we had a nice date and we should go out again. The next day after the date, we casually started to chat again on the phone, then he started to mention something about his sexual fantasies that could involve me. I'm no prude, I do enjoy sex talk, but this seemed out of the blue, like we didn't build the context for it and I didn't go along with the chat. Afterward, he stopped initiating chats, I was the one that started a few, but he didn't seem to be interested in them so I backed off, which seemed to agree with him, since he said that he's busy with work (as was I). After a few days of non-communication, I said hello again, he responded and said that we don't have any chemistry and we should stop. I am a little puzzled because I don't know if he was only interested in sex, coz I don't know why would anyone would be willing to spend hours on debates or share personal info just hoping that would get him laid (he didn't seem the desperate type) or he just felt rejected by me and then rejected me back. Especially from a guy's point of view, what did I do wrong? Thanks! I dont know how you said the things you did and what your body la gusgesaid. have you asked him about his dating past? based on what you said here I get that you want it slow. I don’t know what you said to him and if it doesn't translate like that in Europe. What you said…I would take to not do any sort of sexual fantasy talk/ sexual innuendo talk. But he still did it. you might not have bern the only one he is dating so he stopped talking to you when things went better with someone else. 1
Noonespecial Posted April 10, 2022 Posted April 10, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: Talking sex to someone you've never met has nothing to do with flirting. I didn't say that, and obviously you're the expert so what do I know, right? Edited April 10, 2022 by Noonespecial
poppyfields Posted April 10, 2022 Posted April 10, 2022 44 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said: Or some people are just being themselves and the women are making up things like "love bomb" "fabricate chemistry" or "talk themselves into your pants". Yup, agree. He may not have been playing the long game at all, he simply lost interest for other reasons and women assume he was playing the long game - lovebombing, just wanted sex, etc. It's never so black and white. 2
Noonespecial Posted April 10, 2022 Posted April 10, 2022 50 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said: Or some people are just being themselves and the women are making up things like "love bomb" "fabricate chemistry" or "talk themselves into your pants". Totally. Or maybe they do something that is so repellent they have to scram. 1
chillii Posted April 10, 2022 Posted April 10, 2022 lt all sounds forced and unnatural, text book, on his part. No great loss op , it wasn't gonna go anywhere anyway except to maybe into the sack. l don't think you did anything much wrong. 3
Alvi Posted April 10, 2022 Posted April 10, 2022 You told him that you want to take it slow and what does he do? He tells you his sexual fantasies (after agreeing to take it slower), lol. This is not abut him but about you. I guess the right question would be to ask is what do you want? Do you want to date him? If so, tell him that you thought it over and agree with his fantasies. If not, Ok, forget about him. Do you think that he is a good match for you long term? Do you truly believe that the two of you are that compatible after all? He showed you by his actions that his words have no meaning and that he has no respect neither for you nor for yours boundaries. Is this a kind of person you want to get to know and date?
Mrin Posted April 11, 2022 Posted April 11, 2022 Dude here. In my opinion you didn't do anything wrong. And he didn't either until... He started talking about his sexual fantasies after you had told him that you weren't comfortable taking it a sexual direction quite yet. That was poor behavior on his part. I am a very sexual person. Some of my first couple of dates "dances" were WAY more scandalous than what happened here. BUT, that wasn't me being a horn dog. That was both of us being horn dogs, lol. We just vibed that way. Others were far more Jane Austin-esque if you will. You have to be able to read people. In this case he didn't. That being said it, it's clear you guys weren't a good match. No sense pounding round pegs into square holes at this stage. Best of luck! Mrin 3
Wiseman2 Posted April 11, 2022 Posted April 11, 2022 10 hours ago, Perdu said: I wasn't able to find a middle ground to relate to and be more open, inbetween the innuendoes That's ok. There just wasn't a connection. Keep in mind that sexting is cheap and lazy. Anyone can do that. However going on dates, showing respectful interest is what separates the wheat from the chaff when it comes to OLD. Also that any exchanges can go viral in a nanosecond. So why bother with that with a total stranger? That's why it's important to meet in person and see if there's a connection and chemistry. Sexting before meeting indicates pushing the envelope and a lack of boundaries. 2
Els Posted April 11, 2022 Posted April 11, 2022 Just a guess, of course, as I don't know him... but he sounds to me like the sort of awkward dude who's generally not very successful with women and therefore is TERRIFIED at the mere possibility of being put in the "friendzone", thereby creating a self-fulfilling prophecy by assuming that any woman who doesn't have sex with him by the first date is "friendzoning" him. IMO, it is rather sad and reeks of desperation. Reminds me of the people (usually women) who are so desperate for marriage and kids by a certain date that they'll literally ask about it on the first date (or even beforehand!) and dump the person to the curb if they detect the slightest hint of hesitancy in the responses. Doesn't sound like you missed out on much. 3
Author Perdu Posted April 11, 2022 Author Posted April 11, 2022 (edited) 14 hours ago, Mrin said: Dude here. In my opinion you didn't do anything wrong. And he didn't either until... He started talking about his sexual fantasies after you had told him that you weren't comfortable taking it a sexual direction quite yet. That was poor behavior on his part. I am a very sexual person. Some of my first couple of dates "dances" were WAY more scandalous than what happened here. BUT, that wasn't me being a horn dog. That was both of us being horn dogs, lol. We just vibed that way. Others were far more Jane Austin-esque if you will. You have to be able to read people. In this case he didn't. That being said it, it's clear you guys weren't a good match. No sense pounding round pegs into square holes at this stage. Best of luck! Mrin Thanks for your answer. I can relate to your experience, by having good dates at both sides of the spectrum, but it was a shared vibe. Edited April 11, 2022 by Perdu
Author Perdu Posted April 11, 2022 Author Posted April 11, 2022 7 hours ago, Elswyth said: Just a guess, of course, as I don't know him... but he sounds to me like the sort of awkward dude who's generally not very successful with women and therefore is TERRIFIED at the mere possibility of being put in the "friendzone", thereby creating a self-fulfilling prophecy by assuming that any woman who doesn't have sex with him by the first date is "friendzoning" him. IMO, it is rather sad and reeks of desperation. Reminds me of the people (usually women) who are so desperate for marriage and kids by a certain date that they'll literally ask about it on the first date (or even beforehand!) and dump the person to the curb if they detect the slightest hint of hesitancy in the responses. Doesn't sound like you missed out on much. Thanks for your perspective, it may hold some truth to my case. I like the parallel with the people who desperate for family even before meeting in person (I have also encountered some). 1
spiderowl Posted April 11, 2022 Posted April 11, 2022 (edited) It sounds like he was just interested in sex, OP, and in talking about his fantasies (presumably before indulging in them). I can't really advise you because I have lost count of the number of guys I have dropped from my contacts for the same reason that you backed off from this guy. If all they want to do is talk about sex and their fantasies, they are not thinking about you as a person. Some women may find it flattering - I don't - but as I say I'm not the best person to advise you. I don't think you should be concerned that he said there was no chemistry. He was trying to push you into something too soon. You expressed your boundaries and he couldn't be bothered to respect them. I don't think you've lost a decent guy here. Edited April 11, 2022 by spiderowl 1
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