Got rejected by my date

[Perdu]

36 F here, I've met a guy (35) through a dating app.

We chatted for about 4 days. While chatting, he seemed like an appropriate match, the only thing I didn't like was the sex hits that he was giving from time to time, to which I didn't respond, because they seemed out of place for me. But I decided to give him a chance, since I know that some guys can be bad at flirting, especially if they haven't been on the market for too long or they are not very experienced with women.

The date was better than expected, it lasted for hours, he seemed like a serious person (good education, good job, fairly attractive), we had a lot of debate on various common topics and I felt great intellectual compatibility. Unfortunately, I wasn't feeling comfortable enough for anything physical, we both seemed to be in intellectual/debate mode and didn't evolve beyond that, especially since I could feel like he's an introvert who studied how to behave and makes textbooks moves, that don't seem natural to his nature. Also, I should mention that it takes a while for me to get intimate with some men (not all), and also felt rigid because he was very straightforward with physical contact while I wasn't sending any signals that I would welcome. I gently explained to him that I would like to see him again, but he needs to step back a little and let me get close to him at my own pace. He seemed to agree to my request,  said that we had a nice date and we should go out again. 

The next day after the date, we casually started to chat again on the phone, then he started to mention something about his sexual fantasies that could involve me. I'm no prude, I do enjoy sex talk, but this seemed out of the blue, like we didn't build the context for it and I didn't go along with the chat. Afterward, he stopped initiating chats, I was the one that started a few, but he didn't seem to be interested in them so I backed off, which seemed to agree with him, since he said that he's busy with work (as was I). After a few days of non-communication, I said hello again, he responded and said that we don't have any chemistry and we should stop.

I am a little puzzled because I don't know if he was only interested in sex, coz I don't know why would anyone would be willing to spend hours on debates or share personal info just hoping that would get him laid (he didn't seem the desperate type) or he just felt rejected by me and then rejected me back. 

Especially from a guy's point of view, what did I do wrong? 

Thanks!

[Alpacalia]

No reason to be puzzled.

It seems he was mainly interested in moving things forward physically, and when you asserted you would move at a slower pace, his interest waned.

It's nothing to worry about.

Stick with men who share your emotional and physical values.

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, Perdu said:

, the only thing I didn't like was the sex hits that he was giving from time to time, to which I didn't respond, because they seemed out of place for me. 

Sorry this happened. Sounds like you dodged a bullet.

Sexting before and after meeting is pretty obviously a ploy for a hookup.

 Next time trust your instincts on this  

[Trail Blazer]

No loss.  He wanted sex.  It doesn't mean he couldn't function normally while you guys engaged socially.  Men who want sex don't stop being themselves. 

You saw the real him, he just decided that it was a deal-breaker that you didn't move at the same pace as he did regarding sex.  No loss, you guys ultimately were not compatible.

[Gaeta]

You will come across many of those. Drop them when they start making sexuel  innuendoes or sex jokes before meeting. Nothing good ever comes out of giving a chance to these guys.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Perdu said:

I could feel like he's an introvert who studied how to behave and makes textbooks moves, that don't seem natural to his nature.

I think you read him wrong.  

He was quite clear about wanting physical intimacy - before your date, during your date, and after your date. I am quite sure that is natural to him, even if you didn't want to believe it at first. 

I wouldn't stress that he's not interested. You two are not on the same page. 

[glows]

3 hours ago, Perdu said:

, the only thing I didn't like was the sex hits that he was giving from time to time, to which I didn't respond, because they seemed out of place for me. But I decided to give him a chance, since I know that some guys can be bad at flirting, especially if they haven't been on the market for too long or they are not very experienced with women.

When someone shows you what they are, believe them. 

[Weezy1973]

You did nothing wrong and neither did he. Actually you were both about as open and honest about what you were looking for. Which is great because you quickly found out you weren’t compatible. You may have been confused because the date itself was enjoyable. That was actually my experience too with OLD. Very few dates are disasters. Most are pleasant and enjoyable and most aren’t compatible.

[Perdu]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I think you read him wrong.  

He was quite clear about wanting physical intimacy - before your date, during your date, and after your date. I am quite sure that is natural to him, even if you didn't want to believe it at first. 

I wouldn't stress that he's not interested. You two are not on the same page. 

I didn't think it was natural to him because all his innuendos and physical gestures came across to me as awkward and not at all smooth or flirty, but more like those of a horny.. geek. I have gone on dates with what I consider to be players and they all had some seduction skills that this one didn't have, not in texting and not during the date. That's why I assumed that he would be interested further than sex since we had deep and long conversations about heavy topics (a lot of them initiated by him), not just chit-chat.   

But you are totally right, I don't know him well enough and while his behavior may not get him results with me, it may work with others. I also probably ignored all the signals about him wanting physical intimacy asap and was more focused on our social/intellectual connection since that comprised most of our interaction. 

I am not concerned that he's not interested anymore, I made the effort and we are not on the same page.

 I just wanted to know if I had done something that made him pull away and, judging by the answers I got here, it seems that it was me expressing my needs and boundaries - which I don't consider to be wrong.

[Gaeta]

4 hours ago, Perdu said:

We chatted for about 4 days. While chatting, he seemed like an appropriate match, the only thing I didn't like was the sex hits that he was giving from time to time, to which I didn't respond, because they seemed out of place for me. But I decided to give him a chance

 

He's 35, he knows what's appropriate or not. I wonder why you did not respond when he made those innapropriate comments? Letting that slide is the equivalent of approving it. It send the message I'm insecure, I'm desperate for love. That's probably why he tried 'these moves' on you during your date. 

Don't be afraid of calling it like it is with these men. Tell them, sorry it appears you are not the kind of man I'm looking for and delete and block. Expect men online to treat you with the same respect that they would have for you if they met you at the grocery store. The dating apps are full of men up to no good trying to appear genuine. 

Edited April 10, 2022 by Gaeta

[Perdu]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

He's 35, he knows what's appropriate or not. I wonder why you did not respond when he made those inappropriate comments? Letting that slide is the equivalent of approving it. It send the message I'm insecure, I'm desperate for love. That's probably why he tried 'these moves' on you during your date. 

Don't be afraid of calling it like it is with these men. Tell them, sorry it appears you are not the kind of man I'm looking for and delete and block. Expect men online to treat you with the same respect that they would have for you if they met you at the grocery store. The dating apps are full of men up to no good trying to appear genuine. 

Yes, you may be right, I may be too permissive. 

Me letting the sex comments slide, I think it has to do with my understanding of how guys/men function. Having a close brother and a good amount of male friends in my younger years made me more sympathetic to their way of expressing themselves, which included talking about sex more frequently/freely than my female friends did/did. Like if someone I matched online but never met has decent conversational skills, seems engaging in various conversation topic, I would not block them if they also happen to make some racy comments, as long as the focus of the interaction is not on that.

Though it didn't cross my mind till now, I am starting to think that perhaps what I considered to be an openness/friendliness by not reacting, it could be actually be overindulgence, when it comes to OLD; it could send the wrong message to some people.

Thanks for the eye opener!

 

[Gaeta]

@Perdu: I only have brothers and I lived for 15 years on military bases so I know what you mean when you say men talk about sex (make sex jokes)  more often than we do BUT, they don't do it with women they just came across and are hoping to make a good impression on. On those very first contacts if they allow themselves to make these comments they're taking a risk you'll reject them and they don't care. And if I may add, you are looking for a boyfriend right? do not let men treat you like a friend, or worse like you're one of the guys..never ever! 

[smackie9]

First impression count! Stop giving these grown men the benefit of a doubt. They lost their training wheels ages ago. No excuse for behaviour that makes you uncomfortable.

[Perdu]

8 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

@Perdu: I only have brothers and I lived for 15 years on military bases so I know what you mean when you say men talk about sex (make sex jokes)  more often than we do BUT, they don't do it with women they just came across and are hoping to make a good impression on. On those very first contacts if they allow themselves to make these comments they're taking a risk you'll reject them and they don't care. And if I may add, you are looking for a boyfriend right? do not let men treat you like a friend, or worse like you're one of the guys..never ever! 

Yes, I am looking to date, not to hook up. 

In real person,  I am much more dismissive than online, so if there is something that I'm not comfortable with, I can easily express it while leaving room for further interaction, if I consider it would worth.  OLD is tricky, because people get inflated easily over text, so I try to be more chill about it but it seems that setting the record straight from the beginning may benefit both parties. 

And no, usually men in OLD don't try to treat me like one of the guys, but, as pointed out, probably some assume that I could be up for easy sex because I don't scold or block them if they happen to drop innuendos.

So, my behaviour towards that will have to change from now on, definitely!

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Perdu said:

I didn't think it was natural to him because all his innuendos and physical gestures came across to me as awkward and not at all smooth or flirty

He's just an awkward horndog, then.  I doubt this is as foreign to him as you suspect; he started hinting at sex before he met you, don't forget. 

In any case, yes, it's best that this is done here. He wants to get laid. 

[poppyfields]

Hi Perdu, I'm female but I've been learning quite a bit about men lately, how they think and feel, and I think it's possible he felt rejected by you.  Hear me out. 

Men are being advised (by other men) that when they meet a woman they're attracted to, to physically escalate.  The sooner the better. 

Doing so weeds out the women who have low interest and not physically attracted, and saves time and energy for both of you.   That may not be the case, you may be very attracted, but this is how many men think. . 

As such, they are being advised to only focus on women who have high interest and in their male frame of mind, that translates to women who responsd to their sexual advances. 

Many men are completely oblivious and ignorant how women interpret this --> he only wants sex.   It's often much more nuanced than that.

Anyway, at the end of the day, you weren't compatible in that regard. 

No wrong or right, it simply was not a match. 

Again, just another perspective based on what I've been learning lately. 

I'm sorry it didn't work out.

 

Edited April 10, 2022 by poppyfields

[Alvi]

9 hours ago, Perdu said:

the only thing I didn't like was the sex hits that he was giving from time to time, to which I didn't respond, because they seemed out of place for me.

I don't know your dating history or how long you've been on-line dating but I think there is an unwritten rule somewhere that if a guy mentions sex before meeting that means that he is looking for sex only. Generally if a guy has any respect for you or sees you as a long term potential partner, he is going to at least meet you in person before initiation any sex talk. 

If you are looking for a long term relationship, a guy who brings up sex on-line is not it. 

This is a point where you block and or delete guys who start talking about sex. Do not meet them.

9 hours ago, Perdu said:

But I decided to give him a chance, since I know that some guys can be bad at flirting, especially if they haven't been on the market for too long or they are not very experienced with women.

You are making excuses for him. You don't know this guy at all or what he is about  and yet, you don't think he is "that" type of guy. Trust me, a 35 year old guy knows exactly what he is doing and where he wants to stir a conversation with you. Maybe if he was 20 I would give him a benefit of a doubt, but at 35 he clearly knows what he is after.

9 hours ago, Perdu said:

Unfortunately, I wasn't feeling comfortable enough for anything physical,

You need to listen to your intuition, I believe you knew deep inside where this was heading. 

9 hours ago, Perdu said:

and also felt rigid because he was very straightforward with physical contact while I wasn't sending any signals that I would welcome. I gently explained to him that I would like to see him again, but he needs to step back a little and let me get close to him at my own pace.

So, he was making you uncomfortable with his contact. Next time, instead of trying to explain yourself, just LEAVE. Seriously, just stand up and go. No need to explain anything to him. I wonder, didn't he care at all that you seemed tense and uncomfortable to his touch? Guessing not that much.

9 hours ago, Perdu said:

The next day after the date, we casually started to chat again on the phone, then he started to mention something about his sexual fantasies that could involve me.

Don't know what to tell you about that one. You do know, that at the very least he was looking for an audience to share his sexual fantasies with. I wonder why didn't you block him midsentence? 

9 hours ago, Perdu said:

it and I didn't go along with the chat. Afterward, he stopped initiating chats, I was the one that started a few, but he didn't seem to be interested in them so I backed off, which seemed to agree with him, since he said that he's busy with work (as was I). After a few days of non-communication, I said hello again, he responded and said that we don't have any chemistry and we should stop.

Seriously, what did you think was going to happen when you didn't indulge him in his fantasy? Did you really think that he was going to continue to date you after you rejected him? Why didn't you block him that is a question. I am sorry, I sound terrible, but please understand that he was never serious about you in a first place.

9 hours ago, Perdu said:

I'm no prude

And what is wrong with being a prude? Nothing at all. I call it being more selective and not going along with the stuff that you not comfortable with.

5 hours ago, Perdu said:

I didn't think it was natural to him because all his innuendos and physical gestures came across to me as awkward and not at all smooth or flirty, but more like those of a horny.. geek. I have gone on dates with what I consider to be players and they all had some seduction skills that this one didn't have, not in texting and not during the date. That's why I assumed that he would be interested further than sex since we had deep and long conversations about heavy topics (a lot of them initiated by him), not just chit-chat.   

So, he needs to sharpen up his seduction skills. Maybe he is shy and awkward. But so what? He had zero problem describing his sexual fantasies to you and initiating any sex talk and unwanted touches. 

This guy is certainty not a gentleman. I suppose what this is comes down to is that the two of you are not looking for the same thing or outcome when it comes to dating. You want a long term relationship and he wants sex first, everything else maybe later.

[Noonespecial]

4 hours ago, Perdu said:

Yes, I am looking to date, not to hook up. 

My two cents: I don't think the guy just wanted to hook up with you, he was interested in you, he went out with you he wanted to see you again. If he just wanted to hook up, the date would not have lasted as long as it did & he probably wouldn't have talked to you after. But later, he took your lack of response to his overtures as rejection, so he moved on. I think you could assume that he was attracted to you and on some level that's a compliment but you weren't interested and didn't reciprocate. His loss or possibly both of your losses.

Edited April 10, 2022 by Noonespecial
Typo

[poppyfields]

7 minutes ago, Noonespecial said:

My two cents: I don't think the guy just wanted to hook up with you, he was interested in you, he went out with you he wanted to see you again. If he just wanted to hook up, the date would not have lasted as long as it did & he probably wouldn't have talked to you after. But later, he took your lack of response to his overtures as rejection, so he moved on. I think you could assume that he was attracted to you and on some level that's a compliment but you weren't interested and didn't reciprocate. His loss or possibly both of your losses.

^^Straight from the male 'horse's' mouth.

[Perdu]

 

11 minutes ago, Alvi said:

I don't know your dating history or how long you've been on-line dating but I think there is an unwritten rule somewhere that if a guy mentions sex before meeting that means that he is looking for sex only. Generally if a guy has any respect for you or sees you as a long term potential partner, he is going to at least meet you in person before initiation any sex talk. 

 

I have used OLD for some time and I can't say that I found there was a sure correlation between how people behave online before dates and during the actual dates. Some seemed much bolder online and very shy in reality and the other way around. While I am aware of red flags and I do block the guys that seem to be time wasters for me, I try to keep an open eye, since the app interaction is limited.  This one didn't seem a time waster because, apart from the sex hints, he had a lot, considerably more input into the conversation that was not related to sex. I would say that the vast majority of sex oriented guys that I encountered don't make efforts to initiate topics like politics, history etc or try to find common interests.But I agree, I should not enable sex talk by letting it slide or assume too much of him

27 minutes ago, Alvi said:

So, he was making you uncomfortable with his contact. Next time, instead of trying to explain yourself, just LEAVE. Seriously, just stand up and go. No need to explain anything to him. I wonder, didn't he care at all that you seemed tense and uncomfortable to his touch? Guessing not that much.

He didnt't touch me in an unappropiate way, nothing out of the way people would casually touch on dates, but I felt uncomfortable because we didn't have any build up in that direction.  I explained that to him and he seemed to agree/understand. 

 

30 minutes ago, Alvi said:

You need to listen to your intuition, I believe you knew deep inside where this was heading. 

The thing is that I was attracted to him and I could see myself furthering things, but at a different pace, much slower than his.

 

34 minutes ago, Alvi said:

Don't know what to tell you about that one. You do know, that at the very least he was looking for an audience to share his sexual fantasies with. I wonder why didn't you block him midsentence? 

. Haha, an audience, that's a good one . Yeah, I don't know why I didn't block him. Probably because it seemed rather silly to me and I said let's stop this and he kind of excused himself and stopped. 

 

41 minutes ago, Alvi said:

And what is wrong with being a prude? Nothing at all. I call it being more selective and not going along with the stuff that you not comfortable with.

 

 Nothing wrong with that :), it's everyone's choice how and when they approach the subject. What I meant was that, at the right moment, I am open to sex conversation and sex talk, especially since I'd like to know sooner than later if I'm on the same page with someone regarding that. The uncomfort here was due to the fact that it felt too soon and out of the blue for me, not that I consider it to be inappropriate per se. 

 

47 minutes ago, Alvi said:

ISeriously, what did you think was going to happen when you didn't indulge him in his fantasy? Did you really think that he was going to continue to date you after you rejected him? Why didn't you block him that is a question. I am sorry, I sound terrible, but please understand that he was never serious about you in a first place.

Yes, he probably was sex focused, but I failed to see that due to the fact that our interaction was mostly focused on other topics, like I previously stated. I am not puzzled if someone rejects me after I don't play along with his sex talk if he mostly speaks about that, but I was surprised that someone rejected me after talking for hours and hours about various topics and sharing personal info (which is for me a signal that someone is looking for an intellectual/emotional compatibility, not just sex). 

53 minutes ago, Alvi said:

So, he needs to sharpen up his seduction skills. Maybe he is shy and awkward. But so what? He had zero problem describing his sexual fantasies to you and initiating any sex talk and unwanted touches. 

Yeah, the fact that he had zero problems without any seduction skills made me feel uncomfortable, because he just came as shy and awkward, not like some Casanova. But yes, not having the social skills it's not an excuse for him.

58 minutes ago, Alvi said:

 I suppose what this is comes down to is that the two of you are not looking for the same thing or outcome when it comes to dating. You want a long term relationship and he wants sex first, everything else maybe later.

I guess that sums it up pretty good.

[Perdu]

29 minutes ago, Noonespecial said:

My two cents: I don't think the guy just wanted to hook up with you, he was interested in you, he went out with you he wanted to see you again. If he just wanted to hook up, the date would not have lasted as long as it did & he probably wouldn't have talked to you after. But later, he took your lack of response to his overtures as rejection, so he moved on. I think you could assume that he was attracted to you and on some level that's a compliment but you weren't interested and didn't reciprocate. His loss or possibly both of your losses.

I was interested in him, hence the topic, but I wasn't able to find a middle ground to relate to and be more open, inbetween the innuendoes and the heavy conversation topics, so I probably backed off after the first date.

[Noonespecial]

51 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Straight from the male 'horse's' mouth.

Well she does ask for a guy's opinion so...

[poppyfields]

16 minutes ago, Noonespecial said:

Well she does ask for a guy's opinion so...

I know and I was agreeing with you, see my first post. 

[Gaeta]

9 hours ago, Noonespecial said:

My two cents: I don't think the guy just wanted to hook up with you, he was interested in you, he went out with you he wanted to see you again. If he just wanted to hook up, the date would not have lasted as long as it did & he probably wouldn't have talked to you after. But later, he took your lack of response to his overtures as rejection, so he moved on. I think you could assume that he was attracted to you and on some level that's a compliment but you weren't interested and didn't reciprocate. His loss or possibly both of your losses.

l've come across men who were ready to play the long game just for sex. Not every man wanting a hookup gave 5 minutes dates. Some will love bomb us, some will fabricate chemistry, some will talk thenselves into our pants. 

Talking sex to someone you've never met has nothing to do with flirting. 

Edited April 11, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Weezy1973]

8 hours ago, Gaeta said:

l've come across men who were ready to play the long game just for sex. Not every man wanting a hookup gave 5 minutes dates. Some will love bomb us, some will fabricate chemistry, some will talk thenselves into our pants. 

Talking sex to someone you've never met has nothing to do with flirting. 

Or some people are just being themselves and the women are making up things like "love bomb" "fabricate chemistry" or "talk themselves into your pants".

Edited April 11, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator