how can you trust a thing anyone says

[boak1]

A boy I had been dating that had been going really well, insane chemistry, flowing conversation, so much in common and him even saying he'd met his match in so many areas has suddenly flaked on me. I had been so open about my past dating history and how badly I'd been hurt and he was the one to bring up conversations about my anxieties and easing them and asking me what I was looking for. he said he was looking for a serious relationship, wasn't desperate for it as he's happy with his life but he wants a relationship. we also agreed to be completely honest with each other and the second one of us lost a little bit of interest to say upfront due to the past that I had been through. 

I had such good vibes off this guy, he was planning dates and making an effort to take me out etc then a few days after our last date he just went cold, starting taking ages to reply, went to Tenby for the weekend to visit his friend and the friends wife and when he came back from Devon I didn't hear from him all day. I had asked a few days ago did he want to maybe make plans for another date and he said are you free next Thursday. I said I'd let him know as I wasn't sure if I was working or not. I then texted him a few days later (after he had got back from Tenby) to say I was free Thursday if he wanted to do something. he replied oh cool what time are you free, are you working in the day or the evening. I replied the day so evening would be good and said please don't feel pressured to do something if you don't want to. I only said this because when he asked me on our first date if I wanted to do something again he texted when I got home to say he understands if I only said yes because it was too awkward not to and he has been in situations where he has had to say yes because of the awkwardness. he was out with his family and responded later in the evening apologising for not replying as he had been out with his family watching a show and said that he wanted to be honest and that he's really enjoyed all of our dates but that he is not enthusiastic about dating in general, not me but in general, and that he thought he was ready to get back into it again but he is content on his own and can't give himself to anyone else at the moment. he said that he didn't feel right leaving it over a text and was going to ring me tomorrow (as in the day of our supposed plans) but didn't want it to stew overnight. he said he would call me if I wanted to chat. 

I replied saying that I understood and got the gut feeling that this was the case and that I was a bit disappointed that I had to give him an out for him to be honest with me. said I was around for a chat and he rang me a minute later. we chatted on the phone and I just said that I was disappointed that he would bring up the conversation about wanting something serious etc and that he didn't tell me upfront like I had asked. he said that he didn't want to end something prematurely until he didn't know but that he is content with being single and doesn't want to share responsibilities etc with someone else right now. he said that I had so many amazing qualities and that he was insanely attracted to me and was so down to earth and that it had absolutely nothing to do with me but that he just can't be with literally anyone right now. I said I appreciated his honesty and giving me a call but that I was disappointed given the fact I had been so open with him and that he knew what I was looking for. he hasn't been in a relationship for almost 5 years and has only been seeing girls since so I asked whether he was over his ex girlfriend or that he was too busy for a relationship or what and he said 'um yeah I'm definitely over her but I had forced myself into the mindset that I am single for 5 years and its so hard to get out of that mindset'. he said that he could have easily continued to see me as he's enjoyed seeing me in person so much but that it wasn't fair on me if he had those doubts about whether he could be with anyone right now. I didn't let him get away easy with it but said it in a nice way but I am so disappointed as this guy seemed so mature and gave me such a good gut feeling that he was special and that we clicked so much. I told him I don't date a lot because of my trust issues and I had let me guard down with him because of what he said and to be mindful of this in the future. I also said he probably shouldn't be on dating apps and inviting girls on dates knowing his clear commitment issues. 

I just feel so flat because I am such a shy person and I properly clicked with this person. we had so much in common and I felt so comfortable and safe with him, was so attracted to him and thought it was going somewhere because of what he said to me. when we ended the conversation I said I would rather you just say that I wasn't the right person for you instead of saying its himself and he was like I promise don't doubt yourself, you have no reason to doubt yourself in our situation I had such a good time with you its literally so cliche but it is just me right now. he said good luck with my degree that im starting in September and all the best so he clearly ended it and hasn't kept it open for the future. I just don't know how I can trust a thing any guy says anymore, I can't take being disappointed and hurt again

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately it's a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy that you started telling him about your past hurts anxiety etc. and then he steered clear of that.

It's ok to be shy, however it's TMI right away is a red flag. Dating is not therapy.

Ironically when you present yourself as damaged goods needing kid glove treatment, that's not what happens.

What happens is this type of thing. The good men back away and all that's left are the users. That's how you perpetuate this self-fulfilling prophecy.

Save this type of discussion for your therapist. It's not for casual dating.

 

[smackie9]

I agree with Wiseman2....serious talk about past hurts isn't intimacy to most...it's a big red flag/a downer. A guy I really liked did this to me and I was so turned off by it, I wanted nothing to do with him...seriously it killed any attraction I had for him. You attract with sweet honey, not vinegar. Be a more positive person and let go all of the negative things that has happened in the past. Be bright, happy, fun, flirty, positive!

[Perdu]

I am sorry for your experience, I can understand that are you feeling hurt.

I agree with Wiseman2 and smackie9, too much information kills the initial attraction. Everyone has problems and a relationship history, but laying it out on someone early is counterproductive. It happened to me several times, some guys that I liked became much too comfortable with me too early, telling me about all their issues (while I did not share mine and neither encouraged them to), so I started to see the whole interaction like I'm an unpaid therapist for them, so I pulled away instantly. 

Also, for your own good, I don't think it's ok to invest so soon in someone that you didn't date for too long. I think you are feeling the pain even more because you over-invested in your relationship with him (if you even got to that point). 

As far as your trust issues, be aware that this sort of pattern only makes it worse. You open up too much and too soon, get hurt too badly, and then shut down even more. Best to work on your issues while not dating, no emotionally sane person wants to date in order to "fix damaged goods", but there are some that would want to take advantage of vulnerable people, so more reason to work on yourself, to be prepared for the jungle life of dating...  

Also, try to take dating more lightly at first, don't believe everything that one tells in the beginning, sometimes people have no clue about what they really want or they overestimate their availability for commitment.  Some of the biggest flakes I've met were the ones that were talking very soon and very often about commitment and relationship, while it turned out they were on the rebound.

Treasure yourself and you will see that the men will respect that. Telling a guy that you only dated jerks before him while implying that he's so great, also sends some subtle hints that you may be desperate and sets the dynamic not in your favor. Since you diminish your value while increasing his, why would he want to make any effort to seal the deal with you?

Make yourself vulnerable only to the ones that gained your trust (that takes time and consistent effort) and don't forget that you are the most important person in your life. Love yourself more, learn that you are strong enough to get through any break-up and the good quality guys will show up to love and treat you properly.

Edited April 10, 2022 by Perdu

[Gaeta]

You're not suppose to give your trust freely to people that have not proven they are trust worthy with your feelings. Trust is something that is built **slowly** over time.

[Weezy1973]

Agree with the others. Your trust issues are going to be amplified if you invest so much so early. Remind yourself that regardless of attraction or chemistry you don’t really know this person and won’t know them well for months or even longer. Telling yourself a story about him and the two of you together is only going to increase your anxiety regardless of how much each of you has shared. Let time spent together do it’s thing and reveal compatibility or incompatibility.

 

Also as an aside, sometimes you don’t know you’re ready for a serious relationship or not until you start dating again. So it’s likely that he’d like to be ready, but as it turns out he’s not. And in my books he was pretty honest about it. I don’t think I would consider this “flaking” on you. In fact it doesn’t sound like it’s personal at all.

Edited April 10, 2022 by Weezy1973