London12345 Posted April 5, 2022 Posted April 5, 2022 I've been friends with Dan (29) for about a year - as soon as we saw each other for the first time since he became single a few months ago he asked me out and said he always fancied me so we agreed to go on a date at the weekend. Long story short - we were speaking throughout the week and chose a time and place to meet. fast forward to the day of the date there's radio silence from him and he hadnt been on whatsapp since the early hours. I still get ready anyway and turn up to the place and he obviously wasnt there so had friends on standby to join me. i felt embarassed and stupid and tried to hold back tears. the next day as i see he's finally on whatsapp - i waited but received no apology text from him. after i made the first move and said i deserved an apology he said he got really drunk but hes sorry and he should of messaged. he then said he'd like to make it up to me but understands if i dont want to. i replied saying dont bother and we've not spoken since. do you think his apology was genuine or was he not that fussed (even though he asked me out)? i've been really upset about it as i feel humiliated, angry, disrespected and feel his actions show that he is rude and selfish. we have loads of mutual friends and i'll be at the same birthday as him next week - how should I act and what should i do?? This is someone i thought was a friend (obviously not) so not sure what to do. the fact we have so many mutual friends is also worrying me - how do i cut him off without it impacting my social life. 1
Wiseman2 Posted April 5, 2022 Posted April 5, 2022 10 minutes ago, London12345 said: he said he got really drunk but hes sorry and he should of messaged. i'll be at the same birthday as him next week Sorry this happened. He doesn't seem like a good friend and certainly is not good dating material. Delete and block him. Treat him like anyone else at the party but be busy with other guests and have fun. Do not discuss anything further with him. 1
stillafool Posted April 5, 2022 Posted April 5, 2022 It sounds more like you are acquaintances than friends. I agree with you it was rude that he didn't show or call to cancel. He is recently out of a relationship and is probably still thinking about her, may reconcile or is dating a lot because he's newly single. He probably did you a favor when you think about it. When you see him at parties just speak and keep it moving. What else can you do? 1
glows Posted April 5, 2022 Posted April 5, 2022 It doesn’t matter whether his apology was genuine. You invested too much in your chats and believed a sense of false intimacy because you had mutual friends as well. Since you all know one another you might know of his girlfriend as well. Is she someone you’ve met and have seen at get togethers? Keep your distance as he seems he’s not in the right state to be dating anyone new. At the party, mingle like usual and don’t worry about him. Although it stings that he didn’t show up, you also want to recognize that you’re a little too emotionally involved here. Back up and do your own thing at the party. 2
stillafool Posted April 5, 2022 Posted April 5, 2022 38 minutes ago, glows said: Since you all know one another you might know of his girlfriend as well. Is she someone you’ve met and have seen at get togethers? Yes this is a good question, you must know her. I wouldn't get involved if I were you because she may come back to one of the events and it will get messy quickly. Plus you don't want people within the group to gossip about you, it will be uncomfortable. 1
Author London12345 Posted April 5, 2022 Author Posted April 5, 2022 I don't know the girlfriend at all - we're in a massive social circle so havent crossed paths. thanks for all your advice so far - i feel like i maybe had high expectations of someone and when they didnt show it massively affected me. i just need to try to move on and think to myself that i dodged a bullet. 2 1
glows Posted April 5, 2022 Posted April 5, 2022 3 minutes ago, London12345 said: i feel like i maybe had high expectations of someone and when they didnt show it massively affected me. It’s disappointment. I would be too. And a learning experience overall. I’d reflect a little on why it massively affected you or to this extent. In future you’ll know how to temper those feelings and let it roll off your back. This early it also pays to observe a person’s habits whether they’re sleeping, eating, the way they go about their life and treat people even those not seemingly important to them.
Alpacalia Posted April 5, 2022 Posted April 5, 2022 (edited) I'm sorry to hear this has happened to you. Clearly, he's not in the best state of mind. This guy sounds like he's going through a rough time, so best not to put yourself in the line of fire. It's not worth your time and definitely not worth him putting you through that. Make sure you take care of yourself and put yourself first. I would try to be cordial if you run into him but maintain a safe distance. Edited April 5, 2022 by Alpacalia
smackie9 Posted April 5, 2022 Posted April 5, 2022 (edited) First impressions count....this guy turned out to be an inconsiderate tool. Best to find out now rather than later being invested. Edited April 5, 2022 by smackie9
Author London12345 Posted April 5, 2022 Author Posted April 5, 2022 i'm also seeing our mutual friends tonight for the first time since this happened - shall i just say everything is fine so theres no awkwardness at the bday next week?
mark clemson Posted April 5, 2022 Posted April 5, 2022 (edited) 3 hours ago, London12345 said: we have loads of mutual friends and i'll be at the same birthday as him next week - how should I act and what should i do?? This is someone i thought was a friend (obviously not) so not sure what to do. Just ignore him, or possibly let him be your friend again platonically IF he doesn't go into "try to win her back" mode and become a pain in the rear. It's unlikely he meant consciously to hurt you, but it sounds like he may have his own problems WRT women, relationships, alcohol, and/or coping strategies. Some people self-sabotage or have ways of generating their own "drama". Not every potential partner is a keeper... Edited April 5, 2022 by mark clemson
Alpacalia Posted April 5, 2022 Posted April 5, 2022 Let them do the bulk of the talking. He has already apologized. Right now, all you need to do is accept what has happened and move forward. Remember, he's done you a favor by flying that giant red flag for you. 1
stillafool Posted April 5, 2022 Posted April 5, 2022 1 hour ago, London12345 said: we're in a massive social circle so havent crossed paths. Well if you're in a massive social circle and barely see her chances are you won't see him either so you may not have to worry about how to act. Plus she may be at the event too, so.... 2
NuevoYorko Posted April 5, 2022 Posted April 5, 2022 (edited) 58 minutes ago, London12345 said: Never mind, post above covered it Edited April 5, 2022 by NuevoYorko
dramafreezone Posted April 5, 2022 Posted April 5, 2022 4 hours ago, London12345 said: the next day as i see he's finally on whatsapp - i waited but received no apology text from him. after i made the first move and said i deserved an apology he said he got really drunk but hes sorry and he should of messaged. he then said he'd like to make it up to me but understands if i dont want to. i replied saying dont bother and we've not spoken since. do you think his apology was genuine or was he not that fussed (even though he asked me out)? i've been really upset about it as i feel humiliated, angry, disrespected and feel his actions show that he is rude and selfish. we have loads of mutual friends and i'll be at the same birthday as him next week - how should I act and what should i do?? This is someone i thought was a friend (obviously not) so not sure what to do. the fact we have so many mutual friends is also worrying me - how do i cut him off without it impacting my social life. You got ghosted. It's not an uncommon occurence in the dating world these days, though I imagine it's worse when you've known the person for a while. It doesn't sound like you were very good friends, so why do you have to cut him off? Why not just move on with your life? I think the idea of cutting someone off is putting forth effort and preventing you from emotionally moving on. It's almost like when we actively do something to someone else, in some way we want to see them affected by it, so we're still entanged with them in some way. The point you want to reach is when you don't even care about him anymore, so why give the situation any more effort? That's the way I see it at least. 3
Calmandfocused Posted April 5, 2022 Posted April 5, 2022 (edited) Did you know this guy was flaky? The fact that you already organised a back up plan with your friends tells me that you didn’t trust this guy to begin with. And if you knew he was flaky my question to you is why did you give him the benefit of the doubt? If he’s not up to par outside a dating situation, chances are he won’t be when he’s in one. I’m not blaming you. I’m simply advising you to trust your instincts. Agree with the other poster posters. Polite and cordial at the party, nothing more. Edited to say there’s no need to feel humiliated and embarrassed. He lost you. The joke is on him. Edited April 5, 2022 by Calmandfocused
Author London12345 Posted April 5, 2022 Author Posted April 5, 2022 52 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said: Did you know this guy was flaky? The fact that you already organised a back up plan with your friends tells me that you didn’t trust this guy to begin with. And if you knew he was flaky my question to you is why did you give him the benefit of the doubt? i didnt know he was flaky but when he hadnt been online on whatsapp since 5am and it was now midday i was pretty certain the date at 2pm wasnt going to happen so started messaging friends. thank you for the advice. i'm going to see our mutual friends now - the advice about letting them do most of the talking is a good one. i really hope i'm not told he was with another girl instead though 1
Alpacalia Posted April 5, 2022 Posted April 5, 2022 7 minutes ago, London12345 said: thank you for the advice. i'm going to see our mutual friends now - the advice about letting them do most of the talking is a good one. i really hope i'm not told he was with another girl instead though It sounds like your feelings are still rather raw. Is there anyway you can cut the meeting short? Do you have to go at all? 1
stillafool Posted April 5, 2022 Posted April 5, 2022 If they ask I would just say "something came up and it was cancelled". Then smile and change the subject. 3
glows Posted April 5, 2022 Posted April 5, 2022 3 hours ago, London12345 said: i'm also seeing our mutual friends tonight for the first time since this happened - shall i just say everything is fine so theres no awkwardness at the bday next week? No, just respond as Stillafool suggested and change the subject.
ExpatInItaly Posted April 5, 2022 Posted April 5, 2022 8 hours ago, London12345 said: do you think his apology was genuine No, not even a little bit. You had to ask him for an apology; he didn't offer it on his own. This guy isn't a decent friend, let alone potential love interest. Don't bother pursuing this. His interest in and respect for you just isn't there. If you bump into him, be civil but don't engage in conversation. And if mutual friends ask about him, just say it was cancelrd and keep moving. They don't need to know the details. 3 1
SingFish Posted April 6, 2022 Posted April 6, 2022 14 hours ago, London12345 said: This is someone i thought was a friend (obviously not) so not sure what to do. the fact we have so many mutual friends is also worrying me - how do i cut him off without it impacting my social life. He clearly has problems, drink by the sounds of it but doesn't matter what, he's unreliable. No need to 'cut him off' in any way except you no longer consider him anything except one of the crowd. 1
Ami1uwant Posted April 6, 2022 Posted April 6, 2022 13 hours ago, London12345 said: I don't know the girlfriend at all - we're in a massive social circle so havent crossed paths. thanks for all your advice so far - i feel like i maybe had high expectations of someone and when they didnt show it massively affected me. i just need to try to move on and think to myself that i dodged a bullet. I’m assuming this was someone you knew more than a typical first time meeting. so you should know a little more about him and his character and wether you give him a second chance. you can read hidden message in texts. You can read almost any text in two very different ways that can mean very different things. he coukd have been true,y remorseful in this or he didn’t give a crud. I don’t know.
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