still waiting for that breakthrough

[despairingbuttrying]

I’m almost 40 years old now and I am hitting a real anxiety low point as I am fast approaching middle age.  I am starting to panic around two central life issues – relationship/marriage and career/work. 

Been single for more than 6 years now.  My last relationship which was only a few months I had to endure psychological abuse and in the previous one which lasted almost a year, significant gaslighting and more manipulation/abuse.  Before this, when I was younger in my 20s I had a couple of relationships which were a little more positive but they didn’t work out in the end.  I have phases where I go through huge disappointment and frustration but then other times where I am distracted enough to feel calmer and more in control of the situation.  What does help is that I still manage to go on dates, so I am still getting matches on dating apps and through online dating and in my life, goodness knows how many dates I’ve been on.  I’m not white and am bald so that does not help my case but I am 6”2, so at least that works in my favour.  I’m not a bad looking guy but no question I would have more attention if I had hair.  Most of these dates always go fairly well, I’ve never had a disaster or anything like that but there always seems to be something missing – either there is a lack of connection, no physical attraction or not enough in common.  I guess it is difficult finding those three aspects but I’ve kept trying and will continue to do so as I keep hoping that eventually that breakthrough will come.  Most instances have been where both myself and the woman I was dating/went on a date with weren't feeling it mutually so nothing further happened.  A few times, I've had them interested in me but I'm not into them and only on one occasion in the recent past I would say, where I was the one who was very interested in this lady I was dating for about a month, only for her to call it off.  Something is going on here, the common denominator is me afterall.  Is it just not meant to be, will love/marriage/children never be a reality for me?  I am willing to accept that reality but then I have this God given desire for those very things.   I am starting to panic.  

The only time I find myself with a girlfriend is in my dreams, literally.  For a moment overnight, I will have a dream where I will be in a relationship, connecting with a woman in that way, only to wake up and realise what is a reality for millions of everyday people, is still only a mere fantasy for me. 

My struggle with work and career is also starting to stress me out as I’ve got older.  I can’t say that I have a set career.  I have a college/university BA degree which is from a good university but it wasn’t vocational.  My parents always encouraged me to get qualified in something vocational throughout my 20s and early 30s but I just never knew what I wanted to do or what I wanted to be.  I still don’t to a large extent but the difference is now I realise, as a man approaching middle age, I should have specialised in something.  I regret this.  Both my father and brother are medical doctors so even though there was never any direct pressure from my family to follow that path, I always had that internal pressure, knowing that I had to have a profession of similar status like a banker, lawyer, pilot etc.  In the end, all I’ve done a series of casual jobs over many years, long periods out of work and just generally drifted through as time has passed by.  I finally decided to commit to one job, it’s like a hybrid manager role and it’s reasonably well paid job that I’ve been doing this now for more than four years but it’s more or less just glorified admin.  There are some nice perks (like travel, people are nice/friendly) but it is not fulfilling or interesting to me.  So I need a new opportunity but have no idea what my next step is.  Is it too late to retrain and start something over, doing something completely different?  I guess not but it’s far more difficult to work through.

There is far more I can expand on with my situation but I can’t shake the sense of disappointment and failure when I look back on my life so far.  If I had proceeded with a vocational degree of some kind, perhaps I wouldn’t be in this position.  Maybe I would have attracted more women as a result having had more status and value as a man.  I’m grateful that at least I do have a job (even if it’s not a career per se) when so many others don’t, and I do have my own property which is definitely an asset especially in a big city where I live.  And also for now at least, financially I’m doing fine.  I’ve had plenty of therapy and counselling over the years but I’m still am left with this sense of panic and feeling like a loser for the lack of achievement and for my persistent singleness. 

Edited April 2, 2022 by despairingbuttrying

[Gaeta]

Happiness is a choice.

Majority of people don't come from a comfortable family of doctors, majority of people don't have a Uni degree, majority of people have some degree of regrets but they are still able to experience happiness. 

Stop waiting for happiness and start experiencing it.

I am single, sure l'd like a partner but until then l will continue to experience happiness though happy mornings like now, the birds signing out my bedroom window, the smell of coffee coming from the kitchen, my friends texting good morning, the memory of last night dinner with my family laughing around the table.

You have many blessing to count. Concentrate on them. No woman wants to date a man that has everything but still can't find happiness within.

Edited April 3, 2022 by Gaeta

[glows]

Do you want to start over and go back to school? Don’t compare yourself to your father and brother. Have a small list of things you want to change and then do it. You don’t need their approval. 

I agree that happiness is a choice and the little and big choices leading up to it is what matters. They’re like tiny stars in the sky that create a magnificent kaleidoscope. If you can look back with a sense of accomplishment on those little and small joys chances are you’re happy. Start small and start gathering a plan bit by bit.