Girlfriend jealous of my female personal trainer

[Uruktopi]

Perhaps it´s an only very personal view and choice.

But reasonable or not (and love rarely is) I would never "challenge" the feelings of the woman at my side  for such an avoidable action as the pick of a trainer instead of another one.

Best wishes

 

[Killian898]

42 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

By showing her the website with her pictures and i'm sure that woman has several pictures of her.

You know all those before/after pictures are just marketing, right. They have the same on every trainers page or diet websites. 

I can’t help feeling that if the situation was reversed and it was my GF who had signed up for 12 weeks of personal training with some hot / fit bodybuilder guy, and I was on here complaining, then plenty of people would be calling me insecure, jealous / controlling and saying that it was a major red flag and that she should dump me etc. 

Edited April 2, 2022 by Killian898

[Lotsgoingon]

 

The basic problem here is that you feel guilty even though you don't think you did anything wrong. When you shared the info on your trainer with your gf, that guilt (or kid-like fear of disapproval) was very likely in your voice. Unfortunately, when we feel or act like we're guilty, a lot of people assume we are guilty. 

Now to the real rub: when you feel guilty (without believing you did anything wrong) you are occupying a kid role in your relationship--with your gf occupying the parent-mama role. . Kids are still learning when  mom and dad don't like something. And they feel guilty when mom tells them, "this was bad.” Kids feel bad even if they don't fully see the logic of what mom is saying. It’s enough that mama is upset at them. Well you're acting like a kid right now--and I don't mean that as an insult. It's just a psychological insight/statement.

Your problem is that there is another part of you that does NOT think you did anything wrong. This is the adult. The adult is saying "I am just interested in exercise coaching with this person. It's in a public space, eyes all around. I'm not meeting her in secret somewhere. Yeah, she's attractive but so what?!  The kid and the adult are clashing inside of you--and that's quite painful. Your adult doesn't have the strength to stay in his role, so right now you're being dragged along by the kid. Kids don't really have good judgment in adult situations like this. 

See if you can hang on to some ambivalence and uncertainty here, and tell your gf you are still thinking about this. The danger is that you act quickly and cancel the contract and end up smolderingly furious at your gf--even if you pretend you're not. On the other hand, even blaming yourself and apologizing (while continuing with this trainer) can also ruin things. 

There are feelings and conflicts that we cannot push aside and wish away. We have to openly resolve them to our satisfaction. In other words, some conflicts are inescapable and worth having. You need to decide if you are going into kid mode or let the adult run things. And you might have to have a real conflict with your gf. 

Ask yourself with brutal honesty if you would freak out if she were to hire a hot ripped male trainer and meet that trainer under the same conditions are you are meeting yours. If you know in your heart that you’d feel as scared as your gf currently feels, then cut her a break. If you know you would not feel that way, then this issue is worth the fight, because likely there are going to be other issues that trigger your gf. And the next time she reacts like she’s reacting now , you're going to hit the roof.  

And oh, what if you have a hot supervisor at work? A hot colleague? A hot clerk that you talk to at the grocery store? What if she reacts to those people? Most of my closest friends are women. I would NEVER compromise that for anyone.

 

[poppyfields]

5 hours ago, Killian898 said:

The personal trainer is female, very attractive and is a part time fitness / bikini model.

Would I be out of line asking why, out of all the personal trainers you could have chosen, you chose the attractive female fitness/bikini model?  

I'd be wondering this if I were your girlfriend of only six months, which is still the evaluation period to determine if someone is right for us long term.

Personally if me I wouldn't be buying your claim that she's the best most qualified personal trainer you could find.

Time to get honest with yourself if not her.  There IS a reason why you chose the attractive bikini model, I'm not suggesting you plan to cheat, but it IS odd you would have selected her, imo. 

You cannot be that unaware and out of touch with human nature to not realize your girlfriend might question this. 

In any event, not sure how to resolve this other than a bit of empathy might serve you well, placing yourself in your girlfriend's shoes and envisioning how you might feel of she were to begin working out with a hot male fitness model. 

Don't judge or fault her for feeling a bit insecure about it, she's human.

And jealousy, insecurity are human emotions, we all experience them from time to time it's nothing to be judged or shamed for. 

Strive for understanding rather than judging. 

Edited April 2, 2022 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

36 minutes ago, Killian898 said:

I can’t help feeling that if the situation was reversed 

Is this a GF who fancied Jude Law "before he went bald"?:

 

[Killian898]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is this a GF who fancied Jude Law "before he went bald"?:

 

Yes indeed. There have been no further such comments from her btw just by way of general further info, 

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

I haven’t read all the replies. Your gf is insecure and if you have not given her any cause for concern I see how that is frustrating. That said, having been fitness oriented all my life and a regular gym goer for decades up until covid I can also understand the concern she has. I have friends who swore up and down nothing was going on with a trainer when their partner was also uncomfortable with it, one who is now married to the trainer. I know of class teachers and trainers who dated/hooked up a lot (in some cases the clients we’re the pursuers) so the concern is real.

The fact that you are talking about how attractive this trainer is will likely cause most people to bristle and go a little crazy. I’m with the other posters who ask is it worth losing your relationshi by picking this trainer/bikini model?

Edited April 2, 2022 by ClearEyes-FullHeart

[Alpacalia]

Oh boy.

So maybe you're giving her a taste of her own medicine now. 

2 minutes ago, Killian898 said:

Yes indeed. There have been no further such comments from her btw just by way of general further info, 

Edited April 2, 2022 by Alpaca

[Lotsgoingon]

25 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Also, a woman speaking up about her discomfort is not a mama. Why a woman speaking up being made into something ugly. 

She's not something ugly. He is interpreting her as a mother. He's doing that by feeling guilty without agreeing that her complaint is reasonable.

GF is absolutely allowed to have her discomfort, and it's good she's expressing it rather than hiding it.  And you know, I should have said this first. The OP's first step to take is to reassure his gf, make sure he expresses to her how much she means to him and how attractive she is to him. I am assuming gf's jealousy wasn't partly triggered by the OP's distance and coldness. Bad assumption to make. My bad. 

OP, have you reassured your gf about how special she is? Make sure you do that first .

In general I say be careful about adjusting your behavior around people's insecurities unless you can basically respect those insecurities. I've seen example after example where someone works around the other's insecurities and the other person's insecurities GROW! 

BTW: The people I've known to be jealous did not limit their jealousy to young hot women in bikinis. It was anyone I had even the slightest bit of affection for, including office managers, coworkers, random convenience store employees and the like. And jealous guys are even worse. They freak out at all kinds of contacts between their partner and guys.

There's little correlation in my view between persistent jealousy and the attractiveness of of the person whose presence triggers the jealously.

 

[poppyfields]

The way I see this, it's NOT the fact she attractive and hot that's bothering her, heck we're surrounded by hot attractive people everywhere we go, at work, at the gym, at the grocery store! Lol

What's troubling is WHY you chose this particular trainer out of all the many many other trainers out there?

Was it a test of sorts, a jealousy test?  Given her earlier comment about Jude Law (your previous thread)?

Not accusing just asking.  

Not consciously, much of what we do is done unconsciously without us being aware of why or the possible ramifications.

In any event, right or wrong, it bothers your gf, so ask yourself if continuing to train with this particular hot bikini model is worth the price of upsetting the apple cart. 

If you chose to empathize and understand her POV and select a different trainer, I don't think you'd be placating, you'd be compromising.

You still get to train, and she's less insecure.

Jmo but what I'm learning is that in an exclusive committed relationship its OK to give up a little of ourselves and what we want for our partner and good of the relationship and your partner should do the same. 

It doesn't always have to be this big power struggle with one or both thinking they have to dig in their heels remaining stubbornly rigid and steadfastly maintaining frame.

Its okay to be open and flexible, imo necessary even. 

 

 

 

 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Killian898 said:

What’s odd about it? Her attractiveness has absolutely no bearing on my choice of her as a trainer. She is very experienced and gets great results and reviews from her clients. 

You totally missed my point. I was in no way questioning the qualifications of the trainer or the fact that you may/may not have chosen her based on her physical attractiveness. 

My point being - in a relationship, one is sometimes required to make a decision that they would not normally make, out of consideration and respect for their partner. 

Will you chose to respect the feelings of your girlfriend, or not? Your choice here demonstrates what is more important to you, the happiness of your relationship/partner or the trainer. 

Edited April 2, 2022 by BaileyB

[dramafreezone]

54 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

In general I say be careful about adjusting your behavior around people's insecurities unless you can basically respect those insecurities. I've seen example after example where someone works around the other's insecurities and the other person's insecurities GROW! 

BTW: The people I've known to be jealous did not limit their jealousy to young hot women in bikinis. It was anyone I had even the slightest bit of affection for, including office managers, coworkers, random convenience store employees and the like. And jealous guys are even worse. They freak out at all kinds of contacts between their partner and guys.

There's little correlation in my view between persistent jealousy and the attractiveness of of the person whose presence triggers the jealously.

This is how I'm viewing the situation as well.

I think more women than not are going to be at least a little uneasy about their BF training with a female trainer, that's only natural.  But some of them can keep their uneasiness to themselves, because they know deep down it's their own insecurity and the BF didn't actually do anything wrong.

And you raise a good point.  People are assuming that it's just the trainer's physical attractiveness that is threatening to the GF.  It may be that the GF also sees someone who is ambitious, someone who has greater status than her, someone who's disciplined, someone who has a clear plan for their future.

I have a male personal trainer but he has female clients.  I see female trainers with male clients.  It's up to that person's comfort level.  I totally understand a significant other having an issue with a close friend of the opposite sex if they're hanging out, but when it extends to professional relationships and interactions that's where we reach a slippery slope.  I tend to think that if you capitulate, that this will *not* be an isolated incident and that you've given in once, so why wouldn't she again press the issue if she feels this same uneasiness again?

Soon it'll be wondering why your desk is so close to a female co-worker.  Your boss happens to be female, why can't you transfer jobs?  I don't want you going on this job outing if *she's* going to be there.  OP I guess you can simply change your trainer and if this behavior does persist then you have clear evidence that it wasn't isolated to this one situation. 

It just kind of urks me because you're doing something positive with your life and she's putting her own preferences in front of this good thing that you're doing.  It wouldn't even matter to me if you DID choose this trainer because she's attractive.  I get it if you don't want to have some meathead bro training you.  Choosing a personal trainer is not just about qualifications, it's about professional chemistry with that trainer.  Whatever you need to do to get yourself to the gym, lose weight and be healthy, then do it IMO.

Edited April 2, 2022 by dramafreezone

[Allupinnit]

Comparing hot coworkers, whom you most likely didn't hire/choose to work with, is NOT THE SAME as choosing a bikini model in lululemon leggings to to train 1:1 with.  I'm pretty sure there are some young, hot, ripped male trainers you could have hired to achieve results just as easily.  Be honest with yourself. 

I wouldn't want my H going to lunch 1:1 with a hot female coworker, either.  That's how affairs start.  That's not insecurity, that's human nature.  How many people do you know who say "it just happened" no it didn't.  It starts by lingering at their desk too long and talking about your marriages.  Then it goes to "innocently" going to lunch and maybe even drinks after work.  Taken people aren't blind when in a relationship, why tempt fate when r'ships are hard enough already?

If your gf has a problem with it, as I'm sure a LOT of women would, then just go with the male trainer and save everyone the headache.  

[poppyfields]

@dramafreezoneyou make very good points and if this were a long term relationship wherein mutual trust has already been established, and both felt secure and confident, I might feel differently.

But this is a relatively new relationship, only six months in, they're both feeling a bit uncertain and insecure (see OP's previous thread) and I may be off but I think it's important to be cognizant of how your choices and actions affect your new gf/bf and impact your new relationship both positively and negatively. 

Also, see my previous comment about stubbornly and steadfastly remaining rigid and maintaining "frame" as if bending a bit would be a threat to your very existence as a man.. 

Give a little, it makes a world of difference and I've experienced both. 

 

Edited April 2, 2022 by poppyfields

[dramafreezone]

20 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Also, see my previous comment about stubbornly and steadfastly remaining rigid and maintaining "frame" as if bending a bit would be a threat to your very existence as a man.. 

Give a little, it makes a world of difference and I've experienced both. 

 

How about the next time OP agrees to go with a male personal trainer?   

I think because this is something very positive he's doing for himself, he's already given his committment to this trainer, and it's only for 12 weeks, that he should honor his committment. 

Maybe the OP can even invite the GF to take part in the training, that way they're bonding, doing something great as a couple, and she's there to see that she has nothing to worry about.  Trainer gets another client, everyone wins.

Edited April 2, 2022 by dramafreezone

[Eternal Sunshine]

I am with your GF. So out of all personal trainers you had to chose a bikini model? This is not something I would ever do to a partner. Like it or not, we can't act like we are single and have to take out partner's feeling in the account. I am not saying that you are looking to cheat, but you are looking for some eye candy.

[Alpacalia]

It is not uncommon for there to be female trainers that are bikini models.

Not that things like this wouldn't stir up feelings of insecurity or jealousy even for the most secure person.

It's how you both work together to resolve it is what counts.

Yes, working out alone with another female could create friendship and intimacy and provide an opportunity or even an incentive to cheat. But the same could happen anywhere.

There is a bigger issue here: you both come from past relationships where cheating took place for both of you and perhaps this is just stirring up some old, unresolved issues.

Maybe you should both dig a little deeper into that.

 

[dramafreezone]

21 minutes ago, Eternal Sunshine said:

I am with your GF. So out of all personal trainers you had to chose a bikini model? This is not something I would ever do to a partner. Like it or not, we can't act like we are single and have to take out partner's feeling in the account. I am not saying that you are looking to cheat, but you are looking for some eye candy.

"Eye candy" is everywhere.  It's at the store, it's at the restaurant, it's at work, it's at church, it's on vacation, we could go on and on.

Behaviors in a relationship tend to start small and then grow over time, especially bad tendencies.  We tend to be on our best behavior during the first 6 months before our undesirable tendencies begin to show.  This *can* become an issue of putting out every little jealousy fire that arises from the jealous party.    That can get exhausting very quickly.

[basil67]

I'm female.  If I was only six months into a relationship and my partner had a hissy fit about me hiring a male PT who happened to be hot, I'd be holding my ground.  Thing is, early in the relationship is when to take note of red flags, and this is a huge waving red flag of mistrust, insecurity, control and jealousy.   And I will not tolerate jealousy in a relationship. 

If you change PTs for her now, what will her next demand be?  That you can't have attractive female friends in your friend group?   And let's face it, friends don't come with professional ethics of not sleeping with clients.

 

 

[Ami1uwant]

54 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

It is not uncommon for there to be female trainers that are bikini models.

Not that things like this wouldn't stir up feelings of insecurity or jealousy even for the most secure person.

It's how you both work together to resolve it is what counts.

Yes, working out alone with another female could create friendship and intimacy and provide an opportunity or even an incentive to cheat. But the same could happen anywhere.

There is a bigger issue here: you both come from past relationships where cheating took place for both of you and perhaps this is just stirring up some old, unresolved issues.

Maybe you should both dig a little deeper into that.

 

it’s called trust and knowing professional ethics business service persons have.

 

i won’t be jealous because her PT is an attractive male.

[BaileyB]

4 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

it’s called knowing professional ethics business service persons have.

I’m not aware that trainers are regulated and have a code of ethics. 

[BaileyB]

52 minutes ago, basil67 said:

If I was only six months into a relationship and my partner had a hissy fit about me hiring a male PT who happened to be hot, I'd be holding my ground.  Thing is, early in the relationship is when to take note of red flags, and this is a huge waving red flag of mistrust, insecurity, control and jealousy.   And I will not tolerate jealousy in a relationship.

To be fair, I don’t think it was described as a hissy fit. 

I’m also someone who is not jealous and would not tolerate jealousy in my relationship either - if he wants to date the hot trainer, I would say go and have fun -

That said, is it not also a red flag if she shares her feelings and he dismisses her concern? 

[basil67]

3 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

That said, is it not also a red flag if she shares her feelings and he dismisses her concern? 

She may well feel it's a red flag - she's entitled to her opinions.  But if she was here asking for advice, I'd be asking her if she would also expect him to discriminate against attractive women in business and social settings.   

[Gaeta]

11 hours ago, Killian898 said:

I’ve tried to reassure her and I would never cheat

Those are pretty empty words for a woman that has been cheated on, she probably heard that 10s of times from the man that cheated on her.

What she needs are actions, less promises that sound like those she heard before.

[Alpacalia]

[ ]

The solution may just be that you have to love bomb your girlfriend or otherwise resolve her insecurity, regardless of who's right.

Often in professional circles, the question arises, "Would you rather be right or effective?" That could be the case here.

Or, here are two options: dump the trainer or change your girl's beliefs. The simple route is to dump the trainer.

Edited April 3, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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