Girlfriend jealous of my female personal trainer

[Killian898]

Just want to canvas opinions on this as to whether or not you think my girlfriend is being unreasonable and too controlling.

Been with gf for 6 months and everything going really well between us.

I keep myself in good shape generally, but lately I’ve put on a few lbs and I wanted to get a bit of extra motivation to get myself back in top fitness for the summer. So I found myself a great local personal trainer who is very experienced and gets great results. I signed up for a 12 week program, which involves 1-2-1 gym sessions a few times a week and a nutrition plan etc. The personal trainer is female, very attractive and is a part time fitness / bikini model.

I had mentioned I was doing this to my gf and showed her the trainer’s website with all of her photos etc. Initially my girlfriend was very supportive and told me to go for it. However after a few days she told me that privately she is actually in fact a bit upset and very uncomfortable about the whole thing. She started asking me lots of questions about why can’t I find a male personal trainer etc. Says that she trusts me and knows I would never cheat, but nevertheless it’s still something that bugs her and she doesn’t want me to do it.

I’ve tried to reassure her and I would never cheat, however I can’t help but feeling that she’s being too controlling, jealous and insecure. We’re both adults and I should be allowed to see a female personal trainer if I want and without having to explain and deal with this as it’s all just purely a professional arrangement and our personal relationship is unaffected. All I am trying to do is better myself. 

Am I being unreasonable? Is she? Also if I back down on this and decide to change to a male pt just to keep my gf happy isn’t this setting a dangerous precedent?

Cant help but feeling she’s being very unreasonable, particularly when I haven’t given her any reason to suspect that I would ever be unfaithful to her.

 

Edited April 2, 2022 by Killian898
Punctuation

[glows]

She does seem insecure and is possibly sharing this with you in the hopes that you empathize with her or are able to reconsider and turn the tables around. Would you feel the same way if she had a male PT? It seems odd that you’d mention the PT was attractive as being attractive isn’t a requirement for the job (irrelevant). 

My guess is she does distrust you and it’s something, a vibe, you’re giving off in the relationship. She knows you wouldn’t cheat but you do observe other women. While you’re doing nothing wrong, you both don’t sound compatible in the long run. 

I’m of the mindset that these types of issues wouldn’t be issues in the first place if you’re in tune and aware about each other and how the other thinks and feels. Either you wouldn’t engage in this or she wouldn’t feel this way. 

 

[Gaeta]

Yes she is unreasonable. It's a good thing she feels she can express to you her insecurities toward this new personal trainer but it should end there. This is a professional contract and she needs to get a grip over her worry. She trusts you or she doesn't, there is  no in-between when it comes to trust. 

 

[Killian898]

5 minutes ago, glows said:

She does seem insecure and is possibly sharing this with you in the hopes that you empathize with her or are able to reconsider and turn the tables around. Would you feel the same way if she had a male PT? It seems odd that you’d mention the PT was attractive as being attractive isn’t a requirement for the job (irrelevant). 

My guess is she does distrust you and it’s something, a vibe, you’re giving off in the relationship. She knows you wouldn’t cheat but you do observe other women. While you’re doing nothing wrong, you both don’t sound compatible in the long run. 

I’m of the mindset that these types of issues wouldn’t be issues in the first place if you’re in tune and aware about each other and how the other thinks and feels. Either you wouldn’t engage in this or she wouldn’t feel this way. 

 

I mentioned the female PT’s attractiveness because this is relevant to my GF’s reading and assessment of the situation and is perhaps adding to her insecurity.

Believe it or not it is possible to “observe” and make an objective assessment of someone’s physical attractiveness without being unfaithful. 
 

[glows]

6 minutes ago, Killian898 said:

I mentioned the female PT’s attractiveness because this is relevant to my GF’s reading and assessment of the situation and is perhaps adding to her insecurity.

Believe it or not it is possible to “observe” and make an objective assessment of someone’s physical attractiveness without being unfaithful. 
 

I’m not the one to convince regarding this. Why engage with one another or date if something like this makes you uncomfortable about her? Mention to your gf that you’re not changing PTs and see what she says. 

If she doesn’t like the idea she is also free to date someone else. Both of you don’t need to come to an agreement. You’re dating to observe each other as well.

[Alpacalia]

The emotion of jealousy can be a useful signal that something is off in our relationship. 

How your girlfriend's jealousy manifests itself in communication and behavior makes a big difference.

There's a sense of insecurity in your girlfriend, even if she is finding difficulty articulating it. 

She's responding to a perceived threat.

This is obviously a personal issue for her and she cannot ask you to modify your behavior in order to appease her.

But you can try to approach it from a place of understanding.

Has she specifically mentioned what she feels insecure about? Have you asked her where the source of her insecurity is coming from?

[Killian898]

22 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

The emotion of jealousy can be a useful signal that something is off in our relationship. 

How your girlfriend's jealousy manifests itself in communication and behavior makes a big difference.

There's a sense of insecurity in your girlfriend, even if she is finding difficulty articulating it. 

She's responding to a perceived threat.

This is obviously a personal issue for her and she cannot ask you to modify your behavior in order to appease her.

But you can try to approach it from a place of understanding.

Has she specifically mentioned what she feels insecure about? Have you asked her where the source of her insecurity is coming from?

There’s been no hint of jealousy before this on either side. The relationship has been progressing very well overall. I think the fact that it’s inevitable that I’ll be spending 1-2-1 time with this female PT and we are both there in our gym kits getting sweaty etc. which has set her off.

We’re both in our 40s and have had a few relationships in the past both good and bad. I know that she has been cheated on in the past, but the same applies to me also. I know she would never cheat. I would also never cheat on her as know how bad it feels and I have told her this. Nevertheless this issue has arisen. 
 

I am starting to feel somewhat guilty for having created this situation which has now become an issue in our relationship. But I honestly did not think it would be a problem because as far as I am concerned it’s purely a professional arrangement and all above board. 

Edited April 2, 2022 by Killian898

[Gaeta]

I am pretty live-and-let-live but if I were to find a gym trainer, personally I would not pick a man, even if the best in town is a man. My adult daughter takes a personal trainer each year and she never picks a male trainer. 

I think when we're in a relationship we have to be sensitive to our SO. 

It's too late for you though, if you change your  mind she'll see it as she got control over you but in the future, I suggest you be more sensitive in your choice. 

[Alpacalia]

7 minutes ago, Killian898 said:

I am starting to feel somewhat guilty for having created this situation which has now become an issue in our relationship. But I honestly did not think it would be a problem because as far as I am concerned it’s purely a professional arrangement and all above board. 

Could you be more specific about how you feel guilty?

This particular trainer didn't seem hired to cause jealousy, right?

Some trainers are quite attractive, so I guess that's to be expected.

[Killian898]

2 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

Could you be more specific about how you feel guilty?

This particular trainer didn't seem hired to cause jealousy, right?

Some trainers are quite attractive, so I guess that's to be expected.

Guilty in that me doing this has caused this whole situation to arise and I never wanted that to happen because things are going so well between us. Had I chosen a male PT there wouldn’t have been any issue and this potential conflict wouldn’t never have arisen between us.

Of course it wasn’t intentional to cause jealousy. It was a lack of awareness on my part that such a thing would cause her to feel jealous or uncomfortable. Because like I say I didn’t think that it would be an issue because as far as I am concerned this is purely to help me lose a bit of weight and be healthier. That’s it. 

[Alpacalia]

7 minutes ago, Killian898 said:

Guilty in that me doing this has caused this whole situation to arise and I never wanted that to happen because things are going so well between us. Had I chosen a male PT there wouldn’t have been any issue and this potential conflict wouldn’t never have arisen between us.

Of course it wasn’t intentional to cause jealousy. It was a lack of awareness on my part that such a thing would cause her to feel jealous or uncomfortable. Because like I say I didn’t think that it would be an issue because as far as I am concerned this is purely to help me lose a bit of weight and be healthier. That’s it. 

It is entirely up to you whether to encumber yourself with more hassle than necessary. If you feel that this is just an isolated incident between you and your girlfriend. Otherwise, things are fine between you two. If you think your personal trainer is the most qualified, I wouldn't suggest changing.

 

[dramafreezone]

2 hours ago, Killian898 said:

Just want to canvas opinions on this as to whether or not you think my girlfriend is being unreasonable and too controlling.

Been with gf for 6 months and everything going really well between us.

I keep myself in good shape generally, but lately I’ve put on a few lbs and I wanted to get a bit of extra motivation to get myself back in top fitness for the summer. So I found myself a great local personal trainer who is very experienced and gets great results. I signed up for a 12 week program, which involves 1-2-1 gym sessions a few times a week and a nutrition plan etc. The personal trainer is female, very attractive and is a part time fitness / bikini model.

I had mentioned I was doing this to my gf and showed her the trainer’s website with all of her photos etc. Initially my girlfriend was very supportive and told me to go for it. However after a few days she told me that privately she is actually in fact a bit upset and very uncomfortable about the whole thing. She started asking me lots of questions about why can’t I find a male personal trainer etc. Says that she trusts me and knows I would never cheat, but nevertheless it’s still something that bugs her and she doesn’t want me to do it.

I’ve tried to reassure her and I would never cheat, however I can’t help but feeling that she’s being too controlling, jealous and insecure. We’re both adults and I should be allowed to see a female personal trainer if I want and without having to explain and deal with this as it’s all just purely a professional arrangement and our personal relationship is unaffected. All I am trying to do is better myself. 

Am I being unreasonable? Is she? Also if I back down on this and decide to change to a male pt just to keep my gf happy isn’t this setting a dangerous precedent?

Cant help but feeling she’s being very unreasonable, particularly when I haven’t given her any reason to suspect that I would ever be unfaithful to her.

 

She's being unreasonable.

I could see if you were seeing the trainer socially like for happy hour or something but it's only in the gym for your session?  I actually agree that when you're in a relationship friendships of the opposite sex should fall by the wayside but that does not extend to professional arrangements.  So if you were in school you have to arrange for male teachers to appease her?  If you were getting interior home design you have to look for a male designer?  These are extreme example but it's the same premise.

If you get rid of the trainer her insecurity will rear its head again later down the line in a different situation.  I think she'll be the type where you're out in public with her and if you even glance at another woman she's going to get upset.  Extreme insecurity on her part and people like that can be very controlling.  

 

Edited April 2, 2022 by dramafreezone

[Killian898]

3 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

She's being unreasonable.

I could see if you were seeing the trainer socially like for happy hour or something but it's only in the gym for your session?  I actually agree that when you're in a relationship friendships of the opposite sex should fall by the wayside but that does not extend to professional arrangements.  So if you were in school you have to arrange for male teachers to appease her?  That's an extreme example but it's the same premise.

I think she'll be the type where you're out in public with her and if you even glance at another woman she's going to get upset.  Extreme insecurity on her part.

She’s exhibited not even a hint jealousy before this even when we have been out etc. so I have been totally blindsided by this.

I think it’s the fact that it’s a personal trainer and that we are going to be in the gym alone doing physical activity together half naked in gym clothing. And also you hear the cliched stories now and again about it leading to physical attraction and affairs with one thing leading to another etc. 
 

[mark clemson]

She is being jealous, controlling, and insecure.

HOWEVER, people are only human, and in order to maintain a relationship, it's sometimes necessary to compromise. It sounds like this is not a recurring issue. If your interactions with this specific person really bother her so much/trigger her insecurity or jealousy, couldn't you find a male or less-threatening PT?

Who is more important in your life - the PT or your GF?  (rhetorical question)

Edited April 2, 2022 by mark clemson

[Weezy1973]

While jealousy isn’t great it is a natural feeling. If you were married 15 years I’d say she’s being unreasonable , but given it’s only been six months, I think her reaction is to be somewhat expected. You’re still in a “heightened” stage both for good feelings and bad. 
 

If it were me I’d say I understand and change to a male trainer if I could. If the contract is signed and you’re obligated to pay there’s not much you can do.

Edited April 2, 2022 by Weezy1973

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

I am pretty live-and-let-live but if I were to find a gym trainer, personally I would not pick a man, even if the best in town is a man. My adult daughter takes a personal trainer each year and she never picks a male trainer. 

I really agree Gaeta.

While you have every right to pick a female personal trainer OP, I find it a little odd that you did chose a very attractive female trainer. 

And while I think jealousy is a waste of time and energy, your girlfriend is only human. 

I find myself looking for an analogy - I once booked a couples massage for my partner and myself. The person taking the booking asked if I preferred a male or female massage therapist - I chose female primarily out of respect for my partner. That said, he’s had female massage therapists and it doesn’t bother me at all. But, if he started going weekly for a massage with a very attractive massage therapist and they started to develop a relationship (ie. he was coming home to talk about this person) - there may be a hint of concern…. 

 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Killian898 said:

The personal trainer is female, very attractive and is a part time fitness / bikini model.

I had mentioned I was doing this to my gf and showed her the trainer’s website with all of her photos etc.

Try not to rub it in her face. What's the point of that? After that it's her responsibility to be indifferent to this.

[Killian898]

24 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I really agree Gaeta.

While you have every right to pick a female personal trainer OP, I find it a little odd that you did chose a very attractive female trainer. 

And while I think jealousy is a waste of time and energy, your girlfriend is only human. 

I find myself looking for an analogy - I once booked a couples massage for my partner and myself. The person taking the booking asked if I preferred a male or female massage therapist - I chose female primarily out of respect for my partner. That said, he’s had female massage therapists and it doesn’t bother me at all. But, if he started going weekly for a massage with a very attractive massage therapist and they started to develop a relationship (ie. he was coming home to talk about this person) - there may be a hint of concern…. 

 

What’s odd about it? Her attractiveness has absolutely no bearing on my choice of her as a trainer. She is very experienced and gets great results and reviews from her clients. 

[Gaeta]

OP, you want to lose a few lbs, you're not looking to compete in bodybuilding, you don't need 'the best' in the field. I also think you kind of rubbed it in your gf's face.

It's a great lesson you've just learn.

[Ami1uwant]

She is a professional trainer.  She does not have relationships with clients.

 

just like doctors or lawyers don’t sleep with the people they care fir or work for.

 

you did nothing wrong here.

[Killian898]

7 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

OP, you want to lose a few lbs, you're not looking to compete in bodybuilding, you don't need 'the best' in the field. I also think you kind of rubbed it in your gf's face.

It's a great lesson you've just learn.

Sorry, but I don’t understand. How have I “rubbed it in her face”?

[ExpatInItaly]

10 minutes ago, Killian898 said:

What’s odd about it? Her attractiveness has absolutely no bearing on my choice of her as a trainer. She is very experienced and gets great results and reviews from her clients. 

Did you comment on this woman's appearance to your girlfriend? 

[Killian898]

3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Did you comment on this woman's appearance to your girlfriend? 

No, but I showed her the PT’s website and details of the program I would be on. It has all the before and after photos of her clients on there, as well as lots of photos of the PT herself. So the GF has seen from that what the PT looks like. 

Edited April 2, 2022 by Killian898

[Gaeta]

10 minutes ago, Killian898 said:

Sorry, but I don’t understand. How have I “rubbed it in her face”?

By showing her the website with her pictures and i'm sure that woman has several pictures of her.

You know all those before/after pictures are just marketing, right. They have the same on every trainers page or diet websites. 

Edited April 2, 2022 by Gaeta

[Els]

If you're truly fine with your gf hiring a "very attractive" male PT, you can stick to your guns.

Personally though, between hiring a same-sex PT and losing my partner, I know which one I'd pick.