Was I Wrong or Was She Wrong?

[ericw899]

I've been seeing this girl for a couple months now (not the one in my last post) and we've seen each other for about 9 different dates. So yesterday I proposed a date for tonight, and she said sure and that she wanted to go bowling. I agreed and so today I texted her asking if 8:30 was a good time, and she said she preferred 7. I told her I wouldn't be available until 8:30 and she says that we can go but it can only be for an hour because she is going to a friends house at 9 that is 2-3 hours away. I was a bit annoyed because yesterday I asked if she was doing anything tonight and she said she was only going to the gym and then was free. I asked why she didn't tell me about this trip and she said she just planned it today during work. This really made me mad because she agreed to go out with me tonight but then made other plans, thus making our date a quick 1 hour ordeal before she went to do her real plans. I also caught wind that this "friend" is a guy so it felt she got a better offer with a different guy and didn't want to totally cancel on me. She was annoyed when I told her to forget about tonight's date because I thought it was ridiculous for me to spend $60 to reserve a lane to bowl for 2 hours and only stay for 1 as she appears to have another date. She said I should be grateful for the hour that she made for me to see her and I found that to be disrespectful. We then argued over text for a bit and now things appear to be totally over. So I just want to know, who is right and who is wrong? And why? 

 

Thanks

[Alpacalia]

It does seem inconsiderate of your time.

Plus, her response was quite off-putting.

If they cannot devote time to you that day, try rescheduling without jumping to conclusions or accusations in the future.

Likewise, decide if it's worthwhile rescheduling.

Edited April 2, 2022 by Alpaca

[glows]

This was a misunderstanding. You told her to forget about it which might have seemed rude. I think both of you could have communicated better and confirmed times the day before.

Unless I know the person very well and we have an understanding what times are best, I don’t just assume someone is free at the time of day or evening that I’d like them to be - in your case it was 8:30 onwards.

This is just an experience to learn from. 

 

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, ericw899 said:

She said I should be grateful for the hour that she made for me to see her...

So, she made a date with you and after that made a date with another guy for the same night? 

After agreeing to the date with you first, she then announced she only had an hour to spend with you so she could have her date with the other guy, and she expects you to be grateful?!

For what?  Gracing you with her royal highness' presence for an hour before her "real" date with the other guy, the guy she made the date with after making the date with you?  

If I've got the details right, that's gotta be the most blatant demonstration of entitlement I've heard in awhile.

You absolutely did the right thing, big fat next imo.  Lord. 

 

Edited April 2, 2022 by poppyfields

[blueletters]

Yesterday you proposed a date for tonight. Ok. Now, all she knows is you're going bowling but not at what time. So today, you text her if you guys could meet at 8:30 tonight. This is very last minute. Quite frankly, I understand if she planned something else. A suggestion: next time have day, time and place ready before the actual date.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, ericw899 said:

She said I should be grateful for the hour that she made for me to see her

Next this chick. 

She's too far up her own backside. 

[chillii]

Some of these answers crack me up .

But yeah , she is way way up there op , how lucky were you to have such an honor eh.

[Els]

She was rude at the end of your conversation, but it sounded like you had also been very hostile to her with all your talk about "forget about it" and "you're being ridiculous", so I'm pretty sure this is one of those cases where both of you are in the wrong.

Look, people have plans on a Fri night. It sounds like you two aren't exclusive, so even if it was a different guy, so what? It's none of your business, because you're not exclusive. Obviously if you WERE exclusive, that would be a different story.

Next time, schedule much earlier (talking about times the day of is super rushed and likely to lead to situations like this).

[Wiseman2]

Try to plan better dates. Last minute is taking chances that they're busy.

 

[Ami1uwant]

There as miscommunication here.  She should have told you of these secondary plans which came up.  Her response of being grate- ful of her time is a big problem.

 

 

[ericw899]

So I wound up apologizing. I did mess up by not planning a proper time for our date and overacted a lot. I texted her my apology and she seemed neutral about it. I then drove her to work as her car was in the shop and she thanked me for apologizing and we seemed to be getting close to normal.

[dramafreezone]

23 hours ago, ericw899 said:

I've been seeing this girl for a couple months now (not the one in my last post) and we've seen each other for about 9 different dates. So yesterday I proposed a date for tonight, and she said sure and that she wanted to go bowling. I agreed and so today I texted her asking if 8:30 was a good time, and she said she preferred 7. I told her I wouldn't be available until 8:30 and she says that we can go but it can only be for an hour because she is going to a friends house at 9 that is 2-3 hours away. I was a bit annoyed because yesterday I asked if she was doing anything tonight and she said she was only going to the gym and then was free. I asked why she didn't tell me about this trip and she said she just planned it today during work. This really made me mad because she agreed to go out with me tonight but then made other plans, thus making our date a quick 1 hour ordeal before she went to do her real plans. I also caught wind that this "friend" is a guy so it felt she got a better offer with a different guy and didn't want to totally cancel on me. She was annoyed when I told her to forget about tonight's date because I thought it was ridiculous for me to spend $60 to reserve a lane to bowl for 2 hours and only stay for 1 as she appears to have another date. She said I should be grateful for the hour that she made for me to see her and I found that to be disrespectful. We then argued over text for a bit and now things appear to be totally over. So I just want to know, who is right and who is wrong? And why? 

 

Yes I think you have a good read on what happened.  She got an offer after she talked to you.

Quite frankly I don't think she has a great deal of respect for you if she's willing to bump you for him.  And what she said "you should be grateful" pretty much aligns with that idea that she sees herself as having higher value than you do.   That is a very arrogant thing for her to say.

Technically she is wrong, but this is why you plan dates out a good bit ahead of time (as opposed to 1 day ahead).  It sounds like to me she doesn't really value your time so that's why she cut your date time short, and I think there's a good chance she would've flaked on you completely.

Quote

So I wound up apologizing. I did mess up by not planning a proper time for our date and overacted a lot. I texted her my apology and she seemed neutral about it. I then drove her to work as her car was in the shop and she thanked me for apologizing and we seemed to be getting close to normal.

Ugh, I think you made a huge mistake here.  You didn't do anything wrong.  You didn't plan properly, but SHE AGREED to those plans anyway.  SHE was wrong for going back on what she agreed to do, and SHE said something incredibly arrogant and disrespectful to you, unless you are leaving out some details that would color this situation in a different light.  Did she apologize for what she said to you?

I think there's a significant chance that you have entrenched yourself into her friend zone.  She only tolerated you because you could do something for her (drive her to work).  I think she will use you for whatever she can get out of you and that's it.

Edited April 3, 2022 by dramafreezone

[ericw899]

20 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Yes I think you have a good read on what happened.  She got an offer after she talked to you.

Quite frankly I don't think she has a great deal of respect for you if she's willing to bump you for him.  And what she said "you should be grateful" pretty much aligns with that idea that she sees herself as having higher value than you do.   That is a very arrogant thing for her to say.

Technically she is wrong, but this is why you plan dates out a good bit ahead of time (as opposed to 1 day ahead).  It sounds like to me she doesn't really value your time so that's why she cut your date time short, and I think there's a good chance she would've flaked on you completely.

Ugh, I think you made a huge mistake here.  You didn't do anything wrong.  You didn't plan properly, but SHE AGREED to those plans anyway.  SHE was wrong for going back on what she agreed to do, and SHE said something incredibly arrogant and disrespectful to you, unless you are leaving out some details that would color this situation in a different light.  Did she apologize for what she said to you?

I think there's a significant chance that you have entrenched yourself into her friend zone.  She only tolerated you because you could do something for her (drive her to work).  I think she will use you for whatever she can get out of you and that's it.

Basically I chose to apologize because I was pretty harsh I felt and at the end of the day it was a miscommunication with bad planning on my part. She probably thought we were going to go at 6 rather than 8:30 so I could understand her wanting make plans later at night. She still made mistakes I believe but shes not my girlfriend, and I wanted to be the bigger man.

Idk about being in the friendzone. Last Saturday, she introduced me to her family and we are very affectionate. We also just had sex on Tuesday night, so I think there is more than just plain friendship.

[Alpacalia]

52 minutes ago, ericw899 said:

So I wound up apologizing. I did mess up by not planning a proper time for our date and overacted a lot. I texted her my apology and she seemed neutral about it. I then drove her to work as her car was in the shop and she thanked me for apologizing and we seemed to be getting close to normal.

What about the comment she made?

Have you told her how disrespectful that comment was?

 

[Mrin]

Don't. 

The end.

[BaileyB]

On 4/1/2022 at 8:02 PM, ericw899 said:

She said I should be grateful for the hour that she made for me to see her and I found that to be disrespectful.

I once had a guy tell me -

We were planning a date and he identified two evenings that he was free in the next two weeks, one of which was a Sunday. When I said “Sunday nights are not good for me because I go for dinner with my family…”

His response was (rather condescendingly), “Well then, if you are not available then when are we going to get together?”

My answer was - we are not. 

Edited April 3, 2022 by BaileyB

[ericw899]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

I once had a guy tell me -

We were planning a date and he identified two evenings that he was free in the next two weeks, one of which was a Sunday. When I said “Sunday nights are not good for me because I go for dinner with my family…”

His response was (rather condescendingly), “Well then, if you are not available then when are we going to get together?”

My answer was - we are not. 

I understand. I believe what that guy said to you was very rude and what this girl said to me was rude as well. I think this girl was speaking out of anger, but who knows

[poppyfields]

We teach people how to treat us. 

By you apologizing when imo you did nothing wrong, you just taught her that she can treat you like an afterthought, disrespect your time and behave like an entitled princess and you'll still be around apologizing and "making nice."

Don't be surprised if she starts fading out now, and it won't be because of what happened the other night when she disrespected you, it will be because of what transpired afterwards, with you apologizing and well, sorry to say acting like a chump.

Again, do not allow anyone, most importantly a woman you're dating to treat you like an afterthought. That's the beginning of the end, the kiss of death. 

She made the date with you first, she agreed to the date with you first; regardless of whether a definite time was set, she had absolutely no business scheduling another date with another man the same night.

Not to mention feeling like you should be grateful for the mere one hour she's available to spend with you before she goes and meets the other guy. 

I truly hope I'm wrong but if I'm not, consider this a lesson learned and take what you've learned into your next dating experience.

I do hope it all works out the way you hope and want though, good luck. 

 

[chillii]

5 hours ago, ericw899 said:

So I wound up apologizing. I did mess up by not planning a proper time for our date and overacted a lot. I texted her my apology and she seemed neutral about it. I then drove her to work as her car was in the shop and she thanked me for apologizing and we seemed to be getting close to normal.

You apologized - for what if she was that into you no way she would've rushed of with someone else, ps, and on the same day no less- and then drove her to work. Yikes !

Edited April 3, 2022 by chillii

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, where is your backbone? 

[Els]

16 hours ago, ericw899 said:

So I wound up apologizing. I did mess up by not planning a proper time for our date and overacted a lot. I texted her my apology and she seemed neutral about it. I then drove her to work as her car was in the shop and she thanked me for apologizing and we seemed to be getting close to normal.

Whoa there. I don't think getting back together was the right option, after everything that went down... We mentioned the scheduling thing so that you would get it right with the NEXT person you date, not to encourage you to get back with her...

[introverted1]

17 hours ago, ericw899 said:

She probably thought we were going to go at 6 rather than 8:30 so I could understand her wanting make plans later at night.

Really?  If I had a Saturday night date that started at 6, I'd assume we had plans to spend the evening together, however long that would be.  There is no way I'd be making plans for another date (or eve a get together with a friend) on the same night.

Either dating has a changed a lot since I was in my 20's (guessing this is your age range) or this girl has you firmly in back-up position in her life. Lucky for her, I guess, seeing as she needed a ride to work the next day. 

[dramafreezone]

18 hours ago, ericw899 said:

Basically I chose to apologize because I was pretty harsh I felt and at the end of the day it was a miscommunication with bad planning on my part. She probably thought we were going to go at 6 rather than 8:30 so I could understand her wanting make plans later at night. She still made mistakes I believe but shes not my girlfriend, and I wanted to be the bigger man.

Idk about being in the friendzone. Last Saturday, she introduced me to her family and we are very affectionate. We also just had sex on Tuesday night, so I think there is more than just plain friendship.

Here's the problem.  I think she's lost respect for you because you apologized when she was *clearly* wrong for what she did.  You may have been wrong if you were very harsh to her but it was *her* wrong deed that started all of this.  She knows she was wrong regardless of what she says.

If you mend fences, she may appreciate that on a logical level but she *knows* that you should hold her to what she did wrong.  I don't think most women can respect someone that doesn't call them out on their stuff.  It's like if a someone at work broke a company rule but they are not held responsible by their boss and there are no consequences to what they did, then what's to keep them from doing it again?  They'll keep taking it further and further, that's just human nature, we will get away with as much as we can get away with.

Whereas if you had stuck to your guns, maybe she comes back, maybe she doesn't but at least she knows you have the courage to stand behind what you believe, and then she was wrong so you had justifiable reason to stand behind what you believe.   If you'd stuck to your guns you'd have demonstrated that there is a clear consequence for her not respecting your time, you would've drawn a line in the sand.

Affection can come and go, but once respect is gone it is difficult to get back.

Edited April 3, 2022 by dramafreezone

[LuckyM]

This has happened to me many times, but not bowling. She is putting you OFF, a half hearted delayed rejection. 

You are right canceling the so called date on principle, regardless of the money. She may expect you to cancel or reschedule

and wanted to cancel herself, so she proposed a "date" purposely that you would refuse. This is a very old game, OP, and I have been through it.

I remember once I was sleeping with a GF, and she said, I can only see you 2 days in the afternoons. I agreed, and she said, "nobody would accept

this arrangement". Well, that told me she was not  interested in continuing. Or maybe she doesn't care much for bowling?  $60. is a lot!

Celebrities do this too. Nicole Kidman once stood up a famous author and told him that she could only have a drink at the bar. When he left--she said "oh grow up".   True story.

[smackie9]

This girl give you a little bit of sex and you are now doing back flips for her......