Surviving infidelity

[ohiophatboy]

I just found this site today and have found it somewhat informative so I thought I would write about my situation. I have been married for 12 years now

 

Back in April through May I had an affair over the phone and internet(I feel terrible now). My wife found out via the cell phone bill. She was enraged and embarassed me at my work. I moved out for a week due to feeling terribly ashamed. My wife asked me to come back but I couldn't face her and my kids. Well the following Sunday I came home and said some really bad things out of guilt. Well in the beginning of september I was starting to change and face all my guilt and try to focus on our relationship. Well she kindda said it might be too late. 2 weeks ago Monday I found out she was having an affair. I had my suspicions but was really unsure so I started snooping through her stuff. I found his picture and a bunch of writing on the back about how she wanted to be with him and that she was falling in love with him. I immediately confronted her and she admitted it. She didn't give details but I was enraged as most would be. Well I was devastated as I am sure she was months before. The next day I went through her planner and found out she had stayed over nite with him several times. I then got her cell phone that she only had for a month and checked it and there was his name and number. So I called him with her phone. When he answered I introduced myself and asked him if he knew he was married. He said she told him that she was divorced and I told him we were still together. I then asked if he wated to speak with her. He said yah and I went and woke her up. You can only imagine how mad she was. Well that day was really bad and she said she had serious feeling for him and that she may even be in love but it wasn't mutual. I asked if she was going to keep calling him and she said yes. I was so upset I smashed her laptop computer. Well I started reading online and it said give her time and space. Of course I kept snooping and found out more about him and how much she was seeing him. Now I TAKE a lot of blame as I have been emotionally unavailible and she was seeking emtional support. She said it wasn't sexual and that it was only emtional and he made her feel good. Well I couldn't take it anymore and I looked in her phone again and she and he were still talking to each other. So I called him while she was at work and very nicely asked him not to call my wife again. I told him the He nor I could staop her from calling him. He said he would end it. He also asked me if we had seperation papers or wnything and I said no. She told him a lot of lies and he was pretty hurt as I could sense by our conversation. I actually apologized for him being in the middle. I hung up, Well shortly after she called me and screamed at me. I guess he told her it was over. So for the last week she has been really withdrawn. I was going to move out and she asked me not to. Then she said go ahead just be availible for her whenever she wanted me. So the last couple days we have been trying to spend quality time together and it has been nice. Well today we had sex and afterwards she said she felt dirty. What does that mean? I am sure she is still thinking of him since it was emotional, and supposedly not sexual. Is it possible there was no sex involved since she stayed at his house twice and met his mother?

As of now I have been reading about me and found out I have issues I need to deal with and I am going to councelling to help myself. However I still love my wife and understand why she did what she did. I still want to work thing out if she wants to. Do you think she will come around and love me again, the way she did before? She says she is afraid of me hurting her again. I know we have to have councelling together and I want to now but she is unsure. Her affair started Sept 10 with dinner and ended Oct 14 with my phone call. So my questions are as follows:

 

Why does she feel dirty after sex with me now?

Do you think she will love me again or am I wasting time on this?

Is it possible there was no sex involved since she stayed at his house a couple of times and met his mother?(she said it was emotional only)

Do you think the affair is still going on ? She was working alot and had a lot of unaccounted for time and now that has stopped. I always know where she is.

Also what she she thinking and feeling now?

 

Sorry for it being so long but I am desperate for answers and I don't see the therapist till Tuesday. Thanks for listening.... Lost for now

[Ladyjane14]

To begin with, it was YOU who changed the parameters of the marital relationship when you engaged in an emotional affair. Fidelity was the rule, but by your own actions, it no longer applied.

 

That may sound like 'blame', but I can't stress how important it is that you OWN your previous actions. You must become an 'open book' for your wife, with no hint of secrecy at all. You must express to her the regret you feel for having engaged in that affair. And you must talk with her about why it happened without making excuses.

 

In an extremely similar situation, these are the methods that my husband employed in order to win back my affections.

 

It sounds like your wife may have engaged in a Revenge Affair. I can't say that the same never crossed my mind when I went through my own experience.

 

The difficulty for you is that having gone there, she will be trapped by her own emotions. She may have initially engaged in the affair in response to anger and hopelessness, but in the way of affair addiction, she will now be involved emotionally as in any other affair.

 

If you want to keep the marriage going, your first priority will be to solve the marital problems that made each of you turn away from the other. That is assuming, of course, that you are each in a state of NO CONTACT with other romantic love interests.

 

Your wife will undoubtedly go through a period of withdrawal from lack of contact with the OM. You will recognize this if you examine your previous experience in withdrawing from your emotional affair. It's a difficult thing to watch, and you must be thick-skinned at times.

 

Your chances for recovery will diminish significantly if you respond to her her requests for 'space' by leaving the home. It is entirely possible to give your mate emotional space without vacating the premises. Don't fall for that particular maneuver. The goal is to recover the marriage, don't allow yourself to be distracted from it. Just back off from emotional exchanges as necessary. Let her come to you sometimes. Let her know that it's safe for her to do that.

 

One last thing....Anger is a natural reaction when someone has hurt you. YOU MUST NOT ACT ON IT. It is a natural instinct, and yet....to follow it is to go in opposition to your intended goal. When you feel angry, name the emotion with it's proper name. (i.e. I am angry because I feel lonely. I am angry because I lack hope in eventual progress. I am angry because the situation is out of my control. etc.)

 

When you address the underlying emotions, you can make a good decision on it that emotion requires action or not. You can shape your words in order to make your feelings heard. And most importantly, you can make a decsion to NOT make the situation more complicated than it already is.