Have been dating a woman exclusively for 1.5 months, but she is friends with a guy she used to sleep with and have feelings for and I'm unsure of how to feel.

[Valor]

We are both late 20s and have been dating for 1.5 months and for the most part things have been steady, however some issues have arose.

 

She has a friend, let's call him Nick that she works with. Let's call the girl I'm talking to Stacy. Stacy a few weeks ago asked about my friend group and I listed that a few were girls, and it made her uncomfortable and I could visibly see she was and she said she wanted to discuss it with her friends. She spoke with people in her circle and basically she concluded she should trust me if she feels I am trustworthy and I told her that I establish boundaries with my friends and if there were lines crossed or not respected we wouldn't be friends, and personally I avoid hooking up with friends because I feel once that boundary has been crossed it's hard to become just friends.

 

I notice this guy keeps texting her and she tells me about this guy, Nick she works with, and that he kinda tries to hit on her. Sometimes they discuss work related stuff, but there are times he tries to escalate the conversation by being a bit flirty and what not. I ask her if her and Nick have a history aside from working together and the truth is revealed, Stacy used to see him in-between the break up periods of her on and off 5 year relationship that was before me. This strikes me a bit because Stacy had an issue I was with friends with girls whom i've never had any form of romantic or sexual relationship with, but meanwhile has a guy in her life she has had not only sex with, but feelings for and wanted to date. I think if she didn't come across as hypocritical, I wouldn't have been so bothered by it.

 

I call her out for this and she tells me I need to trust her, that she feels he had his chance and that it's gone and she isn't interested in any further from him and doesn't consider him a friend and that they barely talk. When she told me this she saw my facial expression and immediately went "do you want to talk about this" almost as if she knew she was immediately guilty(of being a hypocrite).

 

Fast forward to another time we are hanging out, and I see this dude popping up on her phone and she mentions it(the phone was on the coffee table) and she's like "oh he is just recommending a netflix show) and then shows me he double texted her, as Stacy ignored his previous messages but proceeds to check the show on netflix briefly lol.

 

I think about this all and call her the following day and tell her that this relationship she has with Nick is inappropriate and she needs to cut ties with him. He was her "side piece" during her troubled relationship and the fact he is still around when she told me they arent friends is rather strange. She then goes on about how they known each other since they were children and have always been chatty, and talked as friends here and there and basically was trying to make excuses as to why she cannot cut ties and accused me of being controlling by saying the relationship was inappropriate. I told her that if she will not remove him from her life then I will walk away and I ended the phone call saying I won't see her again and that it's over. She calls me back( I don't pick up) and she texts me that, she will sent boundaries with him but I'm not sure if it's enough. She got a bit upset that I asked her to remove him from her life, as if she's holding onto him. I don't know when they stopped hooking up but I'm pretty sure she told me they stopped in December but now she says it was 2 years ago. It also doesn't add up that she said they werent friends and barely talked but now it's theyve always been chatty since childhood. I feel there's more to this guy she isn't sharing, and I don't really like telling her that something makes me uncomfortable and she needs to cut someone out but it's like...there is something going on here? She also said he has a girlfriend, but that doesn't seem to mean much to me. SHe knows he's trying for her, as she told me she was gonna send him a snap of Stacy and I to get him to "back off".

 

I'm not sure if there's much salvageable at this time? IDK if I fully trust her now, like I want too but I'm starting to feel this guy is more than someone she claims she feels "nothing" for. Did I overreact? I don't want to overreact but I also don't want to be a fool. Just feels like a grey area, she wants to talk later but it's like so much has been said already. Feel she only wanted to set boundaries once she realized I would walk.

 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, HurtByLove223 said:

I notice this guy keeps texting her and she tells me about this guy, Nick she works with, and that he kinda tries to hit on her

Sorry this is happening. At 42 days dating it should be bliss, having fun getting to know each other.

Already this is filled with headaches you don't need. Cut your losses.

[ExpatInItaly]

38 minutes ago, HurtByLove223 said:

He was her "side piece" during her troubled relationship

So, she cheated on her ex with this guy? 

38 minutes ago, HurtByLove223 said:

Did I overreact?

No. She operates on a double-standard and that's never a good sign. I also believe you're correct in assuming there's more to the story between these two than she lets on, and she's downplaying how much contact they currently have. 

I would just conclude that you two have totally different boundaries and expectations of each other, and a relationship with her isn't feasible. And I would leave her free to Netflix and chill with ol' Nicky. 

[Valor]

16 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

So, she cheated on her ex with this guy? 

No. She operates on a double-standard and that's never a good sign. I also believe you're correct in assuming there's more to the story between these two than she lets on, and she's downplaying how much contact they currently have. 

I would just conclude that you two have totally different boundaries and expectations of each other, and a relationship with her isn't feasible. And I would leave her free to Netflix and chill with ol' Nicky. 

Not entirely sure, she said that after 3 years she got tired of the on and off and when they were broken up and she went for him...but tbh, I think there's more here and it probably was some cheating. I don't know the whole story really

 

She said she doesn't view him as anything more than someone she works with, but he isn't her boss just a coworker that she doesn't really need to talk to at all, so it's just he's her medium for things when theres others she can talk to.

 

I am a bit of a forgiving and benefit of the doubt type of person, but I feel like I shouldn't be so easy.

[glows]

She has a point. Continuing to tell her whom she can be friends with is controlling of you and that’s where you check yourself and figure out whether this is a person you’d like to keep seeing. You’ve expressed your concerns and you know her stories don’t add up. She’s been on/off with an ex and you don’t trust her. Go with what you know and not what you don’t know. Imo, you know enough. 

[Valor]

1 hour ago, glows said:

She has a point. Continuing to tell her whom she can be friends with is controlling of you and that’s where you check yourself and figure out whether this is a person you’d like to keep seeing. You’ve expressed your concerns and you know her stories don’t add up. She’s been on/off with an ex and you don’t trust her. Go with what you know and not what you don’t know. Imo, you know enough. 

I can't really say you're wrong, but at one point she wanted to raise her voice at me and kept cutting me off and went in circles in defending this guy..it was a lot. For someone she says she doesnt care about she is making quite the defense.

 

I also wouldn't be bothered by this if she didnt say what she said, but I'm starting to think she maybe be a truth sprinkler... before this issue she told me on our third date she saw someone else and I was like okay, w.e. Said she didnt plan to see him again and 1.5 weeks later she tells she did and forgot she had a second date planned, and then later on in the day she said no she was talking to him and they both agreed to set something up. Don't care much she saw someone else, but the fact she has changed the story multiple times was concerning but I brushed it off as it was early on, but now I feel she's doing the same with Nick.

[Valor]

35 minutes ago, HurtByLove223 said:

I can't really say you're wrong, but at one point she wanted to raise her voice at me and kept cutting me off and went in circles in defending this guy..it was a lot. For someone she says she doesnt care about she is making quite the defense.

 

I also wouldn't be bothered by this if she didnt say what she said, but I'm starting to think she maybe be a truth sprinkler... before this issue she told me on our third date she saw someone else and I was like okay, w.e. Said she didnt plan to see him again and 1.5 weeks later she tells she did and forgot she had a second date planned, and then later on in the day she said no she was talking to him and they both agreed to set something up. Don't care much she saw someone else, but the fact she has changed the story multiple times was concerning but I brushed it off as it was early on, but now I feel she's doing the same with Nick.

Can't edit, but in reference to the first sentence of my second paragraph - it bothers me because of the hypocrisy, it almost feels like projection.

[glows]

It seems she’s a hypocrite and projecting. That’s something you know so why bother convincing her that she is? She’s not going to humble herself overnight and apologize to you or change her tune. The likelihood is very slim. Is that what you’re looking for? 

You mentioned truth sprinkling but it only seems like drama stemming from feeling insecure about herself. There is no reason to mention minute details like whom she had a second date planned with early on. It’s irrelevant in reality but relevant to her because it means something if you know. If she’s an insecure person she’s got issues with herself that you can’t fix. 

Pick better company or company you feel more comfortable around. At six weeks this is totally not worth it.

[ExpatInItaly]

I wouldn't bother going any further with her. 

It's only been 1.5 months. And you're already seeing that she's problematic. It shouldn't be this complicated so early. It's the forewarning of rough waters ahead. 

[dramafreezone]

18 hours ago, HurtByLove223 said:

I can't really say you're wrong, but at one point she wanted to raise her voice at me and kept cutting me off and went in circles in defending this guy..it was a lot. For someone she says she doesnt care about she is making quite the defense.

 

Well, she's showing you where her allegiances lie.  If I had to guess this other guy is not relationship material but she badly wants him to be.

You can't tell her who to be friends with, but the other side of that is that she should have the sensitivity to know that hanging out with another guy would make you uncomfortable.   It would make most guys uncomfortable whether they would admit it or not.  Bringing it up is useless because the typical response from someone like her is to almost gaslight you, as if you're the one out of line for being uncomfortable.

When a woman is crazy about you other guys are invisible to her for all intents and purposes.   If she continues to hang out with this guy it either says that she does not respect you enough to consider your feelings, or she's doing it to deliberately get a rise out of you.  Neither speaks highly of her or for the prospects of a future with her. 

Edited March 31, 2022 by dramafreezone

[flitzanu]

you're not overreacting about being concerned with her friendship with this guy, but, it is controlling to tell someone they can't be friends with someone and not allowed to speak with them.  you added an ultimatum to that, either drop him or you walk.  she refused, so you walked.

at this point, if you go back on your word and break your ultimatum, all your "threats" are now empty and meaningless anyway.

controlling who she speaks to and giving ultimatums isn't really a way to start a relationship after 1 month just because it makes you uncomfortable that she still talks to a guy she slept with.  they may have plenty of boundaries and she may have zero interest in him other than platonic friendship at this point, but you chose not to trust her so there's really no point in salvaging, especially if she's been friends with him since childhood and you've known her a month.

[kendahke]

Quote

she is friends with a guy she used to sleep with and have feelings for

On 3/30/2022 at 2:23 PM, HurtByLove223 said:

Stacy had an issue I was with friends with girls whom i've never had any form of romantic or sexual relationship with, but meanwhile has a guy in her life she has had not only sex with, but feelings for and wanted to date.

This was when you needed to take off the rose colored lenses and see this manipulation tactic for what it is. This isn't even worthy of a discussion. This is the prompt for "we want different in life and I don't think we're compatible. I wish you happy travels in your future", get up and leave and block their number on the way out.

[smackie9]

You seem to think there is some way to fix this...sorry but there isn't. You've had enough time now to see this isn't going to work out. She's just not convinced you are the one. 

[salparadise]

On 3/30/2022 at 6:29 PM, HurtByLove223 said:

He was her "side piece" during her troubled relationship and the fact he is still around when she told me they arent friends is rather strange.

at one point she wanted to raise her voice at me and kept cutting me off and went in circles in defending this guy..it was a lot. For someone she says she doesnt care about she is making quite the defense.

She's just one of those who needs to keep something on the side, plan B. I don't think this guy is particularly special, he's just a guy who is willing to play that game and feed her need. It isn't about him at all –– it's her. If it weren't Nick it would be someone else. Also, the ever changing story and justifications give you a huge amount of insight. She tells you what she wants you to believe in the moment, and that changes from time to time and needs a different spin. So if you were to be in a "relationship" with her, what do you think would happen if you two has a little spat? Unh huh. Exactly. He serves to feed her ego most of the time, but as the song goes... when she needs a little lovin' and her man is out of town...

No man wants to put up with a woman who won't make a clean break and insists on consorting with ex-boyfriends and FWBs. And even if you were to solve that aspect somehow –– which you can't because it's a personality feature –– you'd still be left with someone who never spins the story the same way twice. You're not overreacting at all. It's good that you called it. Next time, save yourself the trouble of negotiating and issuing ultimatums.

[Valor]

On 4/1/2022 at 7:28 PM, salparadise said:

She's just one of those who needs to keep something on the side, plan B. I don't think this guy is particularly special, he's just a guy who is willing to play that game and feed her need. It isn't about him at all –– it's her. If it weren't Nick it would be someone else. Also, the ever changing story and justifications give you a huge amount of insight. She tells you what she wants you to believe in the moment, and that changes from time to time and needs a different spin. So if you were to be in a "relationship" with her, what do you think would happen if you two has a little spat? Unh huh. Exactly. He serves to feed her ego most of the time, but as the song goes... when she needs a little lovin' and her man is out of town...

No man wants to put up with a woman who won't make a clean break and insists on consorting with ex-boyfriends and FWBs. And even if you were to solve that aspect somehow –– which you can't because it's a personality feature –– you'd still be left with someone who never spins the story the same way twice. You're not overreacting at all. It's good that you called it. Next time, save yourself the trouble of negotiating and issuing ultimatums.

Yeah I ended it, thanks everyone for the replies. Bit late of a reply on my part, so sorry about that but I did review what everyone said.

 Ultimately, I feel she's a hypocrite and is projecting. There were other things she said/did that got me worried and I went with my gut, haven't spoken to her for weeks and removed her off socials and what not. I felt like she was the type to need a backup, and actually her sharing her love life history with me (on her own accord, I never asked) she seemed to always need a guy in her life. Hell, even the guy she 'kept on the side' she admitted kept hitting on her despite having a gf, and was her emotional support during the issues with her ex.

 

Feel like she has a lot of growing up to do, and it won't be with me since she doesn't even show she is aware of the issue, so yeah. I'm outtie