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I need to make a life changing decision but I can't choose between my bf and my life and family

lolahere

By lolahere
in Long-Distance Relationships

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lolahere New Member

lolahere

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We've been in a relationship for almost a year now. I wouldn't say it's a perfect guy, after half of a year I was ready to break up with him because I am so tired of all the drama we have in our relationship. However he's changing now and I feel like I'm falling in love with him again. He's literally changing and we always had plans for our future. Like marriage, moving abroad, children, travel and so on. He wants to marry me. He's a good guy, never lies, he will never cheat on me I know for sure. He doesn't even talk with the opposite sex. He takes care of me and treats me well. The only issue is his behavior during the fights.

The thing is I have an opportunity to move abroad, make my life. And I have less than 24h to give my last decision and make it real (from now on). He doesn't know this because if I tell him he will not accept it. It's not possible for me to take him with me. He's in college and after he graduates (it's his last year), he wants to marry me. I want to marry him too. But if I move abroad it just won't be possible. Long distance relationship will not work. I will have to stay there abroad for 2 years minimum and he doesn't want to wait this long for me to marry me. He will not come there to live even after his college because he will move another country to work there. Our plans were me coming with him wherever he goes (europe/west).
Also the thing is that by me moving abroad (a specific country) and staying there for 2 years I will be able to bring here my family and give them a better life compared to where we stay now. It will be a very different life for all of us in terms of improving and having more opportunities.

My family doesn't really like my bf. They want me to move abroad and bring them with me later. I can't tell them that my heart is tearing apart from this idea of me leaving him like this. I love him. 
1) If I wait one year for my bf then marry him and move somewhere west, my family will not be able to get out from the country we are now. They will have to stay here and I don't know if I will be able to make it possible for them to come to me where I'll live my bf/husband. It's uncertain if they can find there job, any source of income and just live comfortably. 
2) If I move in few months, I will have to break up with my bf, we will just go different paths and nobody knows if we ever can come together again. As I said he wants to marry me as soon as possible and live with me together. If I move, it will take us around 3 years which he doesn't want because of the age. I will have to forget him and break his heart.
3) If I stay, it's all so possible that we will have another big fight where I'll make sure that he didn't really change as I thought and he will never change. I will break up with him. Because if he doesn't change, it will bring me down. I love him despite everything. Even if it hurts. It's just now I see him changing and I don't want to lose him. But all of this is until the next fight. That's when I'll know I wanna continue this or not. And yes we will have a fight. That's for sure too. So now if I stay, and I realize he didn't change and break up with him, I will regret so much for not moving abroad. It will already be late and as I said I have less than 24h. 

What should I do? What would you do? Have you ever experienced anything like this?

Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

Posted
Posted (edited)
44 minutes ago, lolahere said:

My family doesn't really like my bf. They want me to move abroad and bring them with me later. I can't tell them that my heart is tearing apart from this idea of me leaving him like this. 

Are your parents financing your education and travel? Why do they want to flee where you are now?

This seems like more of a heartbreaking family conflict than a communication issue with the BF.

If this BF is right for you, things will work out. But if you stay for a one year relationship and change the course of your and your families goals, what will the regrets and fallout be?

Are you scheduled for an arranged marriage? What is your parents objection to him?

Edited by Wiseman2
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lolahere New Member

lolahere

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Posted
18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are your parents financing your education and travel? Why do they want to flee where you are now?

Yea. Not only they but me myself too. We all want to move from this country because the place where we have been living (don't really wanna say it) is not good for long term. There's no good future and opportunities and it's just not possible to grow here. We might stay the we are and nothing will ever change. The life level is not good

19 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

If this BF is right for you, things will work out. But if you stay for a one year relationship and change the course of your and your families goals, what will the regrets and fallout be?

If I stay and this relationship doesn't work in the end, I will be regret that I didn't move abroad on time and didn't brought there my family. We will end up staying in our country and continue the life we have now, which is not good. 

19 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you scheduled for an arranged marriage? What is your parents objection to him?

No, we are not. I just love this guy and we two wanna marry each other. My family (not only parents) don't like him because he used to hurt me. And I used to endure all of that. They saw me losing myself in this guy and losing my personality and instead of growing, they saw me falling down. So that's the reason they don't like him and I understand them. That's pretty logical. But things has changed now. I have changed too. And if anything of that happens again this time I'm not going to endure but rather break up. 

 

Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, lolahere said:

. My family don't like him because he used to hurt me. 

Ok then make a wise decision to get away from a bad situation, a bad country and a bad BF. For the sake of your family and yourself.

What exactly is the question? How to break up with him?

glows Established Member

glows

Posted
Posted

Move for your schooling. Your boyfriend is pressuring you to marry soon and it’s a matter of one or two years. If you’re a teenager or in your early twenties it’s unacceptable that he’s pushing you to marry him so early. You have a lot of growing to do and the person you are now will change compared to after you graduate. 

There is also no guarantee that he’ll marry you. Choose a partner based on their character, not what future promises they promise you. I wouldn’t think highly of a man who prevents you from studying and ensuring a better life for yourself. 

Think twice about this. He’s not the only man on earth who will marry you either. More opportunities and relationships will come later.

  • Like 2
ShyViolet Established Member

ShyViolet

Posted
Posted

You have been dating the guy less than a year, and there has already been so much drama in the relationship that you almost broke up with him.  He "used to hurt you" whatever that means, so badly that your family doesn't like him.  You do not change the course of your life for a guy like that.  A relationship of less than a year shouldn't already have this many problems.  It would be very foolish to move to be with a guy like that.  The problems will surely come up again and you'll regret changing the whole course of your life for this bad relationship.

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ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted

I would move. 

Given the history between you two, the boyfriend would not be worth me giving up a huge and real opportunity to change my life for the better. The benefits of moving outweigh the those of staying behind for a guy who has hurt you before and may not ever follow through on his word anyway. 

spiderowl Established Member

spiderowl

Posted
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You say your boyfriend has changed and you see him change.  He is trying to rush you into marriage.  I do not feel this is a good sign.  Once you are married, you will be trapped with him unless you can divorce.

I suppose I do not believe that people change fundamentally.  Cruel people stay cruel.  Angry people tend to stay angry.  It takes therapy for people to look at themselves and see why they are behaving in a certain way.  Why has your boyfriend 'changed' - is it because you have told him his behaviour is not acceptable?  How long ago was the last fight?  People who abuse tend to behave nicely at first until they have got their partners isolated and living with them - in other words dependent on them.  Think very carefully if you want to be dependent on a guy that has hurt you the way he has.

BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

Posted
Posted (edited)

Not a doubt in my mind, I would end the relationship and follow my dreams. Agree with what was said above, this relationship is not solid enough that I would give up my opportunity to better my life and that of my family. If I stayed, I would regret it forever. I would definitely move. 

Edited by BaileyB
notbroken Established Member

notbroken

Posted
Posted

What do you mean he used to hurt you?  Physically?  Has he ever been physically violent?  If so, the answer is very clear - move!  Guys either hit women or they don't.  Don't be with someone that 'used to hurt me' no matter what the circumstances - because he is likely to do it again. 

 

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stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted

Definitely follow your dreams or you'll regret it later.  Men come and go and there's always more.  

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