Happy Lemming Posted March 28, 2022 Posted March 28, 2022 51 minutes ago, dramafreezone said: Not that any of this is invalid in a general sense, but I still want to stress that we really don't know *what* the issue is. Context makes a world of difference so we have no idea of whose side is actually closer to reason. Whatever the issue is, he doesn't want to discuss it further. You can't force someone to change their mind. He might be totally wrong in your eyes and we both may agree that he is wrong, it doesn't matter what we think. We really don't need to know what the "issue" is. At the end of the day, the boyfriend has put his foot down and said "No". The OP states this "issue" is a "deal breaker", so the only logical solution is they part company. 2
BaileyB Posted March 28, 2022 Posted March 28, 2022 Is this related to his previous relationships? You post asking, how should you respond when he refuses to talk and shuts you down. Without really knowing the issue, I find myself wondering if perhaps you haven’t respected what he has previously communicated with you - If he has done something that has been communicated as a definite dealbreaker for you, then it’s time to end the relationship. Not much to discuss here at all… 4
Author divegrl Posted March 28, 2022 Author Posted March 28, 2022 Hi All! Thank you for your responses! This does not have to do with our conversation about previous relationships. Except it is the same frustrating communication. Don’t really want to open up about details, today. Maybe tomorrow lol! Giving it a couple of days to let things settle and see how we feel. We are definitely not on the same page, and not sure if we want to try and work on this or not. And thank you to the posters who said actions are more important than words. He obviously just does not care, shown by his action. Whatever happens in next couple of days, we will both be fine and I will post update. Thank you! 2
Gaeta Posted March 29, 2022 Posted March 29, 2022 (edited) 19 hours ago, divegrl said: Then I found out he completely crossed a boundary. (From my perspective it is very important and has a lot of value to me.) Last night after I found out, that is when I talked to him. I asked him what happened, and he gave a brief one sentence reply. And then asked again, and I got the one word answer. And then asked again, and he said I would push him away. ( I just felt I was not getting the information I needed.) So, my experience with this behavior is, these people usually think that no one tells them what they can or cannot do. They allow themselves to cross important boundaries because you've shown them in the past it's ok to walk all over you & you're not going anywhere. If I remember your past threads about this relationship, you've slowly and steadily shown him you will accept him dismissing your feelings and here he is again, not only dismissing your feelings, he's crossing your important boundaries and he's telling you with his attitude *too bad, deal with it*. I think you breaking up with him would show him you mean business. Staying will only re-enforced his belief he can do what ever, you're not going anywhere. Edited March 29, 2022 by Gaeta 5
poppyfields Posted March 29, 2022 Posted March 29, 2022 (edited) 16 hours ago, divegrl said: Don’t really want to open up about details, today. Maybe tomorrow lol! @divegrlyou're under no obligation to share or disclose any info you're uncomfortable sharing. However, it's been a standard theme in all your threads so I'm curious if you're this elusive and withholding in your relationships also? You've posted previously that in your relationships, you can be somewhat emotionally distant and prefer to not discuss deeper issues. That doing so makes you uncomfortable. Which is fine, no judgment. What's interesting now however is that in this situation with your boyfriend, you are the one wanting HIM to open up and disclose something HE is uncomfortable disclosing and discussing which frustrates YOU. Just something for you to think about and consider as you attempt to resolve this. Good luck.. Edited March 29, 2022 by poppyfields 3
poppyfields Posted March 29, 2022 Posted March 29, 2022 (edited) Apologies, double post. Edited March 29, 2022 by poppyfields 1
Author divegrl Posted March 29, 2022 Author Posted March 29, 2022 Hi all. I am intentionally a bit elusive as I know some people on LS in real life. So I am about transparent on here as I am with them Also, this relationship is not a traditional relationship, so it’s hard to go through all of that complexity. And I am trying to focus on the most important part which is communication. In the end, I am taking a break. We just can’t communicate. Its really sad. Thank you all for your advice!
Author divegrl Posted March 29, 2022 Author Posted March 29, 2022 50 minutes ago, Gaeta said: So, my experience with this behavior is, these people usually think that no one tells them what they can or cannot do. They allow themselves to cross important boundaries because you've shown them in the past it's ok to walk all over you & you're not going anywhere. If I remember your past threads about this relationship, you've slowly and steadily shown him you will accept him dismissing your feelings and here he is again, not only dismissing your feelings, he's crossing your important boundaries and he's telling you with his attitude *too bad, deal with it*. I think you breaking up with him would show him you mean business. Staying will only re-enforced his belief he can do what ever, you're not going anywhere. You are right Gaeta 1
glows Posted March 29, 2022 Posted March 29, 2022 6 minutes ago, divegrl said: Hi all. I am intentionally a bit elusive as I know some people on LS in real life. So I am about transparent on here as I am with them Also, this relationship is not a traditional relationship, so it’s hard to go through all of that complexity. And I am trying to focus on the most important part which is communication. In the end, I am taking a break. We just can’t communicate. Its really sad. Thank you all for your advice! You are better off without someone you don't see eye to eye with and with whom you can't communicate - isn't open or forthright. 1
Happy Lemming Posted March 29, 2022 Posted March 29, 2022 7 minutes ago, divegrl said: In the end, I am taking a break. We just can’t communicate. Its really sad. There is a "lid for every pot"... he just wasn't your lid. So you keep searching... Your perfect guy is out there, he is (right now) searching for you, go find him. 2
poppyfields Posted March 29, 2022 Posted March 29, 2022 28 minutes ago, divegrl said: I am intentionally a bit elusive as I know some people on LS in real life. So I am about transparent on here as I am with them No worries divegrl, I understand completely. I'm sorry this didn't work out. 1
introverted1 Posted March 29, 2022 Posted March 29, 2022 You've made multiple threads about this guy, including this one from December. It seems pretty clear from your threads that you two are not compatible. Why keep trying to fit a square peg into a round hole? 4
poppyfields Posted March 29, 2022 Posted March 29, 2022 16 minutes ago, introverted1 said: You've made multiple threads about this guy, including this one from December. It seems pretty clear from your threads that you two are not compatible. Why keep trying to fit a square peg into a round hole? I agree. Again, reading your history, whenever HE has wanted to discuss certain topics in an effort to get to know you on a deeper level, you were uncomfortable and closed, and now when you want to, HE is uncomfortable and shut down. Classic mismatch and I'm curious what has kept you there? You said it's not a traditional relationship, in what respect? Is this an on-line RL, have you met in person? Or is he married or in another relationship he's unable to break from? I realize you're uncomfortable with questions, so I apologize but it is rather curious. 3
Author divegrl Posted March 29, 2022 Author Posted March 29, 2022 Thank you for your replies! So regarding his questions to me, they were all about things that happened before our relationship started. My questions to him, were things that happened during our relationship. This relationship is in person and does not involve affairs or infidelity. We made our own rules about what we wanted. And the rules/boundaries are there because we are outside the “norm”. Anyways he broke a boundary. I told him I needed a break, and he is not very happy. But I feel very much at peace. Thank you! 2
Gaeta Posted March 29, 2022 Posted March 29, 2022 4 minutes ago, divegrl said: I told him I needed a break, and he is not very happy. But I feel very much at peace. Very good. He needs to feel there are consequences to breaking the rules/bonderies on purpose. You have to show you are ready to walk away. Congrats for asserting yourself. 2
Alpacalia Posted March 30, 2022 Posted March 30, 2022 (edited) Sounds like you've already decided that he's been pushing too hard. The success of a relationship also depends on respect. Mutual respect is the key to coexistence. That means respecting each other's choices, opinions, and preferences. Maybe you don't want to share every detail about each other's past with him. You can put yourself in his shoes to understand why he wants to talk about these things, but he also needs to know your point of view and comfort level. Here, you both have to respect each other. When people push harder than the other, as it sounds like he is doing (or has done), that's too much. Edited March 30, 2022 by Alpaca 1
Wiseman2 Posted March 30, 2022 Posted March 30, 2022 9 hours ago, divegrl said: . And the rules/boundaries are there because we are outside the “norm”. Anyways he broke a boundary. Yes. If you are in an open relationship or other "nontraditional" situation as you call it, it seems like it's not the right situation for you. And he's not the right man for you. 1
Gaeta Posted April 1, 2022 Posted April 1, 2022 On 3/29/2022 at 6:38 PM, divegrl said: I told him I needed a break, and he is not very happy. But I feel very much at peace. How are you doing divegrl? 1
Author divegrl Posted April 1, 2022 Author Posted April 1, 2022 4 hours ago, Gaeta said: How are you doing divegrl? Thank you for asking. I am doing ok. Cried for 2 days. Just wanted someone I could trust and would have my back. We talked a lot. Of course he shut down, when he knew he crossed a line because he knew he was wrong and I would get upset. Bur our communication has been really good. Neither of us has shut down. He is very jealous of my ex, which is why he keeps asking about him. And he does not agree with some of the decisions I have made. But I am like, they were before we were together, so you didn’t really have a say. He also wants to have a child (he has none), where as I am unsure as I am already a mom. So we are still dating, not exclusively. Who knows where it will go, but the trust has been broken. I also started dating someone else. So that is nice to focus on and put my energy too as well. My love life, it’s crazy. Lol! Thank you for listening.
Wiseman2 Posted April 1, 2022 Posted April 1, 2022 3 minutes ago, divegrl said: So we are still dating, not exclusively. I also started dating someone else. So that is nice to focus on and put my energy too as well. Just cut him out. You seem incompatible on so many levels. Without the background noise from him you could focus on someone who makes you happy and wants what you want. But with him still being in the picture, it's doubtful you'll be able to focus on a man who makes you happy and many good men will run when they hear about this guy. 1
Gaeta Posted April 1, 2022 Posted April 1, 2022 You found someone new to date in 2 days? About taking a break from dating? This was a relationship of how long? One year? Why drag him along? 3
Author divegrl Posted April 1, 2022 Author Posted April 1, 2022 Yeah, I prefer to just move on as quickly as possible! There are lots of people out there to date! Have a beautiful day every one. 2 1
poppyfields Posted April 1, 2022 Posted April 1, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, divegrl said: There are lots of people out there to date! There sure are, great attitude! Onward and upward as they say, good luck divegrl! Edited April 1, 2022 by poppyfields 1
Alvi Posted April 1, 2022 Posted April 1, 2022 7 hours ago, divegrl said: He also wants to have a child (he has none), where as I am unsure as I am already a mom. So we are still dating, not exclusively. Who knows where it will go, but the trust has been broken. Please, whatever you don't have kids with this guy. I don't know what this guy is thinking about when he brings up having a child with you. It is going to be a disaster. if the two of you cannot see eye to eye when it comes to some important issues, gee, imagine what is is going to do to a child growing up. 4 hours ago, divegrl said: Yeah, I prefer to just move on as quickly as possible! Good for you! No point dwelling on the past. You might be moving on too fast, but who knows, maybe this new guy is a better match for you. 2
Author divegrl Posted April 2, 2022 Author Posted April 2, 2022 Thank you. Yes. We won’t be getting pregnant anytime soon, as we are not together anymore. It’s really weird to have gone from a relationship with someone to just dating. New guy took me out to dinner again. That was nice. We kissed and he has asked me out again. Neither of them know of each other. It’s just very out of character of me to date 2 people at once. Really I guess I should just end it completely with the first guy as I am just delaying… but I don’t want to deal with that mess right now. Thank you for listening. Have a beautiful day!
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