divegrl Posted March 28, 2022 Posted March 28, 2022 Not sure where I am really going with this, but my boyfriend and I are again having communication issues. Last night we were discussing a difficult topic, but one that is really important to our future. After answering my question with a one word answer, he said he was done talking about it. I pressed further, because it is really important; and he said stop and that if I continued I would push him away. Don’t really want to go into the details of the topic right now, but it’s related to our families. Just feeling hugely frustrated that he shut me down. And is this an indicator of what is going to happen in the future when hard conversations or difficult situations occur…. Just block me out? Just love your advice and thanks for reading!
smackie9 Posted March 28, 2022 Posted March 28, 2022 (edited) not enough information. We need to know what triggers him to shut down, what he can talk about, when do you talk to him about things, what is your approach? What is his reaction? What is your reaction? Why is he so sticky talking about family? How often does this happen? Does he need time out to process before coming back and discussing things? Edited March 28, 2022 by smackie9 1
BrinnM Posted March 28, 2022 Posted March 28, 2022 It’s difficult to tell if you don’t give more details, but I understand if you don’t feel comfortable doing it. I guess it depends on the topic and how delicate it is; and maybe it’s something your BF is embarrassed about. (There was one childhood incident in my ex’s life that he never discussed with me, other than scratching the surface; I knew about it, but never in detail. He was secretive, and I didn’t like it, because it obviously mattered to him, and i felt blocked out - but I somewhat understood how difficult it was for him to open up abt. it) 7 minutes ago, divegrl said: And is this an indicator of what is going to happen in the future when hard conversations or difficult situations occur…. Just block me out? Yes, most probably. Depending on how long you’ve been together, you may or may not have tried to discuss problematic or difficult topics during your relationship. So you may have gotten a feel for it by now? If the relationship is pretty new, it’s probably not that blatant yet, but after a while I’m sure you’ll find out that it can be very frustrating when your life partner has a completely different communication style. It’s important for problem solving to communicate in a similar fashion, and if he stonewalls you because he’s uncomfortable with certain topics, well then you’ll have a difficult relationship that won’t make you happy, bc you’ll feel like he’s not listening/taking you seriously, and you’ll also feel like you’ll get nothing done. If this was the first time he acted that way, maybe drop it, and suggest another convo the next day. Just to start fresh. You can then adjust your approach, depending on how he reacts. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted March 28, 2022 Posted March 28, 2022 20 minutes ago, divegrl said: And is this an indicator of what is going to happen in the future when hard conversations or difficult situations occur…. Just block me out? Has it happened before? 1
dramafreezone Posted March 28, 2022 Posted March 28, 2022 28 minutes ago, divegrl said: Not sure where I am really going with this, but my boyfriend and I are again having communication issues. Last night we were discussing a difficult topic, but one that is really important to our future. After answering my question with a one word answer, he said he was done talking about it. I pressed further, because it is really important; and he said stop and that if I continued I would push him away. Don’t really want to go into the details of the topic right now, but it’s related to our families. Just feeling hugely frustrated that he shut me down. And is this an indicator of what is going to happen in the future when hard conversations or difficult situations occur…. Just block me out? Just love your advice and thanks for reading! It's really difficult to offer an opinion if we have no real idea of what he didn't want to talk about. For all we know it could be an incredibly sensitive topic that most people wouldn't want to discuss, so in that instance he wouldn't be in the wrong. 2
glows Posted March 28, 2022 Posted March 28, 2022 Conversely, OP, you’ll need to know when you’ve pushed too far or when someone is uncomfortable. Instead of asking to have answers right then and there, inquire first if he’d be open to talking about it. Realize that it took some thought to discuss the topic and ask what you needed to ask but for the other on the receiving end it may be a surprise. Being respectful of that also allows people to open up to you of their own accord. 4
poppyfields Posted March 28, 2022 Posted March 28, 2022 (edited) 47 minutes ago, divegrl said: Last night we were discussing a difficult topic, but one that is really important to our future. After answering my question with a one word answer, he said he was done talking about it. I pressed further, because it is really important; and he said stop and that if I continued I would push him away. I agree with others, we need more context. But without that, I will say it's important to respect your boyfriend's boundaries re what he feels comfortable discussing at that point in time and what he doesn't. He told you he was done talking about it, that is your cue to stop pressing him. Nothing good would ever come of that, in fact the opposite as you experienced. Instead of pressing him, let it be for now. Revisit later if you need to at a time you feel he wouid be more receptive to discussing or just let it go altogether. That's what I would do, and have done! You might discover that when you respect his boundaries and accept what he does choose to share (as little as it is) without pressing for more, he may open up to you more, naturally and organically. Without you having to pressure him about it. Edited March 28, 2022 by poppyfields 5
Els Posted March 28, 2022 Posted March 28, 2022 It's really hard to say without knowing the specifics of the topic, the context in which it was brought up, whether this is the first conversation you've had on the topic or the twentieth, etc. I don't think you can get any good advice without disclosing all of that, but I also understand why you wouldn't do that on a forum. Counseling might be a good way to talk to someone privately about this? 4
Wiseman2 Posted March 28, 2022 Posted March 28, 2022 50 minutes ago, divegrl said: he said he was done talking about it. I pressed further, because it is really important Make sure Both of you are receptive to the topic at hand. That means: not hungry, tired, in the muddle of something, stressed, just came home, etc. Timing a has a lot to do with how receptive someone is to discussions like this. It doesn't assure agreement but if someone won't listen it accomplishes nothing. 1
Happy Lemming Posted March 28, 2022 Posted March 28, 2022 The fact that he gave a "one word" answer means he is not willing to discuss the matter further, nor is he willing to change his position on the subject. There are parts of my life and decisions I've made about my family that are not open for discussion. The answer is "no" and I'm not going to entertain the matter further. At this point, drop the matter and accept his answer. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted March 28, 2022 Posted March 28, 2022 My quick response is to say bf acted like a jerk. Shutting people down is not a good strategy in relationship. And threatening to push you away if you continued talking on the subject is also (generally) a very unproductive move. On the other hand, as others have said, ideally we'd get more information. And it's possible that you were talking to him in a way that insults him? I would say there's 90 percent chance that bf is acting like a jerk--even without more information. There are times when a partner has to tell another, "look, can we talk about this later? Or I can't talk about this right now because we never get anywhere and I'm frustrated." We really owe it to our partners to say why we don't want to talk about an issue and it's good practice (if we shut down a topic) to we say when we will be able to talk about the topic at some later point. Basically partners have to respect each other, even they think that the other partner is making a point we strongly disagree with. There is disagreement and there's going to be a lot of that in any relationship. And then there's how you discuss disagreement. The second (how you talk) is often where the toxicity emerges and the damage to the relationship done. 4
SingFish Posted March 28, 2022 Posted March 28, 2022 1 hour ago, divegrl said: I pressed further, because it is really important; and he said stop and that if I continued I would push him away. Don’t really want to go into the details of the topic right now, but it’s related to our families. Just feeling hugely frustrated that he shut me down. Just because it's important to you does not mean it is important to him in the same way. The more difficult the topic, the more sensitively it needs approaching. Probably best not to get too involved in the dynamics of someone's family anyway? 3
dramafreezone Posted March 28, 2022 Posted March 28, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, poppyfields said: You might discover that when you respect his boundaries and accept what he does choose to share (as little as it is) without pressing for more, he may open up to you more, naturally and organically. Without you having to pressure him about it. This is a good point and something I frequently incorporate into dealing with people at work and my friends. You have to give people options, don't corner or pressure someone into engaging. If someone feels as though they are trapped or cornered, they're prone to acting in an emotional manner, it's just human nature, fight or flight. They'll be aggressive towards you or defend themselves by withdrawing. The way I think of someone who is in an emotional state is that they're a lock that you have to use the right key to open. If you try to open an emotional lock with logic, it's not going to fit. If you continue you'll just exacerbate the problem. Instead you have to counter-balance one emotion with the emotion that they *want* to feel. Counter-balance fear with comfort. Counterbalance anger with empowerment. You may be right that talking his problems out may be the best thing for him, but backing off and letting him know that you are there for support may give you the desired result OP. But it has to be his idea on his own timeline. Edited March 28, 2022 by dramafreezone 1 1
Ami1uwant Posted March 28, 2022 Posted March 28, 2022 Topic of this matters here. is this on a core value in a long term or a preference? is this something you want him to do/ change? is thus a topic you have repeatedly brought up? 1
smackie9 Posted March 28, 2022 Posted March 28, 2022 It's quite possible he doesn't have the answers right at that moment, but you insist he should. that would make anyone shut down. also possibly he doesn't want to be forced to pick sides on whatever topic matter it was. Or his opinion hasn't and won't change from the last time you talked about it. 3
Author divegrl Posted March 28, 2022 Author Posted March 28, 2022 Thank you all for your replies. I apologize for being vague as it is a very personal topic. So to answer some questions, this is regarding family and friendships that we have communicated about before. We, I thought, set very clear boundaries and expectations. Then I found out he completely crossed a boundary. (From my perspective it is very important and has a lot of value to me.) Last night after I found out, that is when I talked to him. I asked him what happened, and he gave a brief one sentence reply. And then asked again, and I got the one word answer. And then asked again, and he said I would push him away. ( I just felt I was not getting the information I needed.) And I am really upset, how we had an open and honest conversation about this topic over a year ago. I thought we were on the same page. And to find out he had a completely different perspective, just hurts. As it is a deal breaker item for me. I talked to him today, and he said what I am talking about doesn’t matter. Which is even more completely in-validating. I am still processing. (Which I have found takes me about 2 days). I am going to drop it for now and see how I feel in a couple of days. Also yes, headed back into therapy. Thank you again for your replies. I am slowly going through them all. 2
smackie9 Posted March 28, 2022 Posted March 28, 2022 if it's a deal breaker then end the relationship. he stands by it, and isn't going to change it. 4
Alvi Posted March 28, 2022 Posted March 28, 2022 1 minute ago, divegrl said: Then I found out he completely crossed a boundary. ( 1 minute ago, divegrl said: I talked to him today, and he said what I am talking about doesn’t matter. Which is even more completely in-validating. I don't know what the issue is but perhaps it's the right time to rethink the whole relationship perhaps? Do you think that he is going to make a good partner in a long term if he makes you feel that way?
glows Posted March 28, 2022 Posted March 28, 2022 (edited) I’d take the extra time, same as you intend to, and think about it. Actions speak louder than words so if he’s explicitly crossed a boundary already and you know that, rehashing it or asking him for his description of events may be futile. You may be more in shock and feeling disappointed than open to anything he has to say either. He may know that and also know that anything he says will lead to a full blown disagreement. You only have to consider his actions and whether they disagree with you or how you wish to live your life. Edited March 28, 2022 by glows 1
SingFish Posted March 28, 2022 Posted March 28, 2022 7 minutes ago, divegrl said: We, I thought, set very clear boundaries and expectations. It sounds like you're not on the same page with things. 1
Happy Lemming Posted March 28, 2022 Posted March 28, 2022 Just because you want to discuss the matter further, doesn't mean he does. He gave you his one word answer. You continuing to bring the subject up and attempting to discuss it further is disrespectful to him. He has made his decision, he isn't going to change his mind; no matter how many times you keep bringing it up. If this item is a "deal breaker" for you, then its a "deal breaker'... time to go. We all have "deal breakers" in relationships. I have mine and you have yours and your boyfriend has his. It appears this guy just isn't right for you. You'll need to start looking for someone (new) that shares the same values and stance on this important "deal breaker" issue. 6
Ami1uwant Posted March 28, 2022 Posted March 28, 2022 26 minutes ago, Alvi said: I don't know what the issue is but perhaps it's the right time to rethink the whole relationship perhaps? Do you think that he is going to make a good partner in a long term if he makes you feel that way? My gut feeling…. he had some sort of communication with an ex that she was jealous about. 2
dramafreezone Posted March 28, 2022 Posted March 28, 2022 24 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: Just because you want to discuss the matter further, doesn't mean he does. He gave you his one word answer. You continuing to bring the subject up and attempting to discuss it further is disrespectful to him. He has made his decision, he isn't going to change his mind; no matter how many times you keep bringing it up. If this item is a "deal breaker" for you, then its a "deal breaker'... time to go. We all have "deal breakers" in relationships. I have mine and you have yours and your boyfriend has his. It appears this guy just isn't right for you. You'll need to start looking for someone (new) that shares the same values and stance on this important "deal breaker" issue. Not that any of this is invalid in a general sense, but I still want to stress that we really don't know *what* the issue is. Context makes a world of difference so we have no idea of whose side is actually closer to reason. 2
poppyfields Posted March 28, 2022 Posted March 28, 2022 My sense is there is more at play than just this recent incident, that caused him to respond the way he did. Things about you or the relationship he's kept bottled up. It's never or very rarely just one incident that causes our partner to shut down or lash out. I understand you not wanting to disclose private information, I'm the same however it would be helpful in this context. Knowing might enable us to determine if you might have overreacted, or were perhaps being too sensitive OR if HE was simply being a jerk! We're all anonymous, up to you divegrl. 1
Wiseman2 Posted March 28, 2022 Posted March 28, 2022 58 minutes ago, divegrl said: Then I found out he completely crossed a boundary. (From my perspective it is very important and has a lot of value to me.) Last night after I found out, that is when I talked to him. I asked him what happened, and he gave a brief one sentence reply. Ok, this is a confrontation about something he did behind your back, not a discussion about family. 1
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