LoveComplexity Posted March 28, 2022 Posted March 28, 2022 Hi guys you might remember my previous topic, how to get oompf back from my relationship I have a big update and would like to hear your opinion and help... So we went out with my girlfriend and had a weekend together when she came back... so basically 2 nights together... and went out on a romantic dinner date... She told me she doesn't feel the same connection anymore that something is missing etc.... I told her we need time to get back that feeling etc... So that all happened the last weekend when she got back... so then she said shes kind of confused about the whole thing plus she just got home, that I give her 2 weeks and THIS weekend that just passed now, to get her things together specially with the family etc (her family moved and stuff so there are some things to be done there so I kind of get that) and I said ok, take time to rearrange everything and we can see each other after. Now she was quite distant on the phone, busy etc over the weekend, then I called her and asked her I know blabla etc... but that I feel like shes kind of avoiding me etc... and she basically told me that its true, she doesn't want to talk to me.. and when I said why she said she just feels like things changed, im different, she doesn't feel the same and that she doesn't want to keep fighting for this relationship, that she basically gives up.. And I said I find that odd because we were not even together for some months and we need time to reconnect and she all of a sudden just wants to throw in the towel... and then she said that I also want to give up and don't put any effort to reconnect.. and I said how? I asked her if she wants to do stuff and she told me to give her 2 weeks to rearange everything... and she said yeah.. she did say that but I should have known that on the weekend she is free, so I should have made the effort to come see her or take her out knowing that things are not as they should be now... So basically I should have read her mind after she clearly told me to give her 2 weeks to arrange things and then we can see each other and see how things go...? She also said I rather went out with my two (guy) friends.. than see her... and seems like shes not a priority for me (and I only went out with them for lunch for 2 hours)... So she said she doesn't want to try anymore... and I said ok... if thats what she wants I won't put effort into something if the other person also doesn't.. So then she said that she hopes that we still keep in touch, keep talking, keep seeing each other... and I said flat out NO, I want to make this relationship work and put effort into rebuilding it... but that I need her to also do it, but I can't pretend that I can be JUST a friend or aquantance when we are more than that, so if we try to make it work good, but if not we just have to say goodbye and go our separate ways as hard as it is... So then she said she doesn't want to lose me blablabla... and said to give her some time and space that she needs to think about the whole thing etc... So I said fine... So I want to hear your thoughts about it all?
Wiseman2 Posted March 28, 2022 Posted March 28, 2022 9 minutes ago, LoveComplexity said: she said that she hopes that we still keep in touch, keep talking, keep seeing each other... and I said flat out NO. So then she said she doesn't want to lose me. Ok so she wants you "stay friends" after breaking up? 1
smackie9 Posted March 28, 2022 Posted March 28, 2022 Let her go/ go no contact. If she comes back, that means she's had time to think and be willing to work on it. Just gonna add, people fall out of love for no reason and all that is left if attachment which is normal. Yes it can be confusing. There isn't anything you can do about it but push yourself away and wait for a month if you like and see. 2
glows Posted March 28, 2022 Posted March 28, 2022 Things changed and there’s little you can do about it on your own. It takes two. Unfortunately she needs a safety net before ending something that’s no longer fulfilling. She has said she doesn’t want to try anymore. You can wait around. That’s up to you. I wouldn’t. 1
Ami1uwant Posted March 28, 2022 Posted March 28, 2022 She wants the benefits without taking the risk/ doing the work. ket her step back and think things. But don’t wait for her. Start moving on. i don’t know how overlapped you are with common friends and such that woukd make it possible fir her to run into you again. 1
Author LoveComplexity Posted March 28, 2022 Author Posted March 28, 2022 Yeah its a weird situation because everything was amazing before and now because we distanced ourself because we WERE NOT TOGETHER she all of a sudden doesn't even want to try anymore, like wth...
Alvi Posted March 28, 2022 Posted March 28, 2022 I think she is mentally checked out from this relationship, unfortunately. Don't think you can do much if she doesn't want to continue with you. Let her go... She may come back at some point or maybe not. But don't stay friends with her, better to block her and go no contact. Consider that this relationship is over at this point and start dating others. 15 minutes ago, LoveComplexity said: Yeah its a weird situation because everything was amazing before and now because we distanced ourself because we WERE NOT TOGETHER she all of a sudden doesn't even want to try anymore, like wth... I wonder if everything was really fine or it was just a honeymoon period where you see everything through a rose-colored glasses. Now if you look back, do you think there were some things that were simply swept under the rug and ignored rather than dealt with? Maybe she didn't want to speak up about some things and though it would be better to stay quiet. Perhaps being apart for a while put things in perspective for her and she realized that the love and the connection wasn't all that great. Like you stated yourself in a previous post, you didn't feel the connection for yourself either when she came back. Perhaps the foundation of your relationship wasn't as strong as you though it was. Some relationships can survive with people being apart for years but some crumble and fall apart within few month of separation. Why is that? Just something for you to think about. It is probably neither of you is at fault, it just something that happened. The best you can do is just to close this chapter forever and move on. 1
glows Posted March 28, 2022 Posted March 28, 2022 43 minutes ago, LoveComplexity said: Yeah its a weird situation because everything was amazing before and now because we distanced ourself because we WERE NOT TOGETHER she all of a sudden doesn't even want to try anymore, like wth... If you focus less on the weirdness or how little it makes sense and more on the fact that she doesn’t want to try anymore you’ll let go much faster of a situation that’s no longer working. She has opted out. You can also gauge how sincere a person is or where they’re at in the way that person treats you. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted March 28, 2022 Posted March 28, 2022 She is ending this relationship, OP. She is being honest that she doesn't want to try, but it's not fair to blame all of it on you. She clearly wasn't willing to meet you halfway and rather than be honest, she prefers to make it your fault. But she was already setting the stage for her exit there. I'm sorry, man.
Author LoveComplexity Posted March 28, 2022 Author Posted March 28, 2022 1 hour ago, Alvi said: I think she is mentally checked out from this relationship, unfortunately. Don't think you can do much if she doesn't want to continue with you. Let her go... She may come back at some point or maybe not. But don't stay friends with her, better to block her and go no contact. Consider that this relationship is over at this point and start dating others. I wonder if everything was really fine or it was just a honeymoon period where you see everything through a rose-colored glasses. Now if you look back, do you think there were some things that were simply swept under the rug and ignored rather than dealt with? Maybe she didn't want to speak up about some things and though it would be better to stay quiet. Perhaps being apart for a while put things in perspective for her and she realized that the love and the connection wasn't all that great. Like you stated yourself in a previous post, you didn't feel the connection for yourself either when she came back. Perhaps the foundation of your relationship wasn't as strong as you though it was. Some relationships can survive with people being apart for years but some crumble and fall apart within few month of separation. Why is that? Just something for you to think about. It is probably neither of you is at fault, it just something that happened. The best you can do is just to close this chapter forever and move on. The relationship was generally great, but she did have some periods where she went on a rage and was really upset and mad for EXTREMELY little things, at times I felt like I could do 10 amazing things, but then there was 1 small thing (like not writing her at a certain hour) that made her extremely upset and almost feelt like the relationship as a whole was cr*p for that small thing.
dramafreezone Posted March 28, 2022 Posted March 28, 2022 2 hours ago, LoveComplexity said: So she said she doesn't want to try anymore... and I said ok... if thats what she wants I won't put effort into something if the other person also doesn't.. So then she said that she hopes that we still keep in touch, keep talking, keep seeing each other... and I said flat out NO, I want to make this relationship work and put effort into rebuilding it... but that I need her to also do it, but I can't pretend that I can be JUST a friend or aquantance when we are more than that, so if we try to make it work good, but if not we just have to say goodbye and go our separate ways as hard as it is... I think you handled this well. You're right, you can't settle for less than you want. I think people that breakup and say they want to be friends do so to make themselves feel better (or to keep you in a back-up role). It's very selfish. I like what you said, it's all or nothing. You need to heal and you can't do that if you're staying in contact with her while she's dating other guys. Sorry it worked out like this but something even better is on the horizon for you.
glows Posted March 28, 2022 Posted March 28, 2022 17 minutes ago, LoveComplexity said: The relationship was generally great, but she did have some periods where she went on a rage and was really upset and mad for EXTREMELY little things, at times I felt like I could do 10 amazing things, but then there was 1 small thing (like not writing her at a certain hour) that made her extremely upset and almost feelt like the relationship as a whole was cr*p for that small thing. Did you say you would write or keep in touch at a certain time? Or was there some agreement to do so?
Author LoveComplexity Posted March 28, 2022 Author Posted March 28, 2022 Just now, glows said: Did you say you would write or keep in touch at a certain time? Or was there some agreement to do so? No, she said she needs time to think things through and she will contact me when she does.
glows Posted March 28, 2022 Posted March 28, 2022 Just now, LoveComplexity said: No, she said she needs time to think things through and she will contact me when she does. I’m referring to the situation you cited above about her being upset you didn’t write at a certain hour. What expectations were there implied or explicit there?
Author LoveComplexity Posted March 28, 2022 Author Posted March 28, 2022 Just now, glows said: I’m referring to the situation you cited above about her being upset you didn’t write at a certain hour. What expectations were there implied or explicit there? No but she had a break during that time that certain day and had expectations that I would write to her because I knew she had the break then.
glows Posted March 28, 2022 Posted March 28, 2022 5 minutes ago, LoveComplexity said: No but she had a break during that time that certain day and had expectations that I would write to her because I knew she had the break then. That’s failure to communicate and failed expectations also. Both of you didn’t seem good at expressing yourselves or coming to agreements. She could have called you on her break if she knew you were free as well. These things are so easily solvable if a couple is in love or sees a future with one another.
Author LoveComplexity Posted March 28, 2022 Author Posted March 28, 2022 Just now, glows said: That’s failure to communicate and failed expectations also. Both of you didn’t seem good at expressing yourselves or coming to agreements. She could have called you on her break if she knew you were free as well. These things are so easily solvable if a couple is in love or sees a future with one another. I know but like I said she has many expectations that I will read her mind at times, and is angry later, even tho I told her that we need to communicate needs, but she is more of a type of person that thinks you don't need to that you should know what to do... like read her mind
Wiseman2 Posted March 28, 2022 Posted March 28, 2022 40 minutes ago, LoveComplexity said: The relationship was generally great, but she did have some periods where she went on a rage and was really upset and mad for EXTREMELY little things, at times I felt like I could do 10 amazing things, but then there was 1 small thing (like not writing her at a certain hour) that made her extremely upset and almost feelt like the relationship as a whole was cr*p for that small thing. Sorry this is happening. Perhaps even worse than the breakup itself is watching a relationship die before your eyes. Even before she went away for 2 mos, there were issues. However the time apart made things clearer for both of you that there's not much in common, in fact in your words "boring, nothing to talk about". While you are panicked, this is a Do Not Resuscitate situation. Let go. In the end, you'll be relieved.
glows Posted March 28, 2022 Posted March 28, 2022 2 minutes ago, LoveComplexity said: I know but like I said she has many expectations that I will read her mind at times, and is angry later, even tho I told her that we need to communicate needs, but she is more of a type of person that thinks you don't need to that you should know what to do... like read her mind Good luck to that. She certainly has a lot of maturing to do. Count your blessings and move forward. I think you need to polish your picker and be more discerning about your dates.
Author LoveComplexity Posted March 28, 2022 Author Posted March 28, 2022 3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry this is happening. Perhaps even worse than the breakup itself is watching a relationship die before your eyes. Even before she went away for 2 mos, there were issues. However the time apart made things clearer for both of you that there's not much in common, in fact in your words "boring, nothing to talk about". While you are panicked, this is a Do Not Resuscitate situation. Let go. In the end, you'll be relieved. But the problems is I do have strong feelings for her and many things in our relationship click, even if we did have some issues, but no relationship is perfect, you just need two people to work on them..
Ami1uwant Posted March 28, 2022 Posted March 28, 2022 43 minutes ago, LoveComplexity said: But the problems is I do have strong feelings for her and many things in our relationship click, even if we did have some issues, but no relationship is perfect, you just need two people to work on them.. it doesn't work that way. You need to move on and end this now. 2
dramafreezone Posted March 28, 2022 Posted March 28, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, LoveComplexity said: The relationship was generally great, but she did have some periods where she went on a rage and was really upset and mad for EXTREMELY little things, at times I felt like I could do 10 amazing things, but then there was 1 small thing (like not writing her at a certain hour) that made her extremely upset and almost feelt like the relationship as a whole was cr*p for that small thing. It sounds like she was trying to push you away. Sometimes people don't have the stomach to break up with their partners, so they become insufferable, hoping that their partner just gets tired of them and breaks up first. When you won't do it, it makes them even more upset because it's like you don't have any respect for yourself to accept her behaving this way. Once someone loses respect for you the relationship is in effect over. To be clear, I don't think this is always done purposefully, but I've seen it too many times. It's tough but this has already been decided, and you don't have a choice in this matter. Once she's made the decision it's final because she's been wanting out of the relationship for some time. Pushing you away didn't work so this is where you are now. Edited March 28, 2022 by dramafreezone
Alvi Posted March 28, 2022 Posted March 28, 2022 54 minutes ago, LoveComplexity said: But the problems is I do have strong feelings for her and many things in our relationship click, even if we did have some issues, but no relationship is perfect, you just need two people to work on them.. That's is true. But only if two people want to work and try to save a relationship. There is not much hope of saving a relationship if only one partner is willing to work on it.
smackie9 Posted March 28, 2022 Posted March 28, 2022 You got the $%^&&* end of the breakup, of course you are going to call foul. Been there...you can keep asking why till the cows come home. It's best to give yourself a break from this and go do something fun.
mark clemson Posted March 28, 2022 Posted March 28, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, LoveComplexity said: I told her that we need to communicate needs, but she is more of a type of person that thinks you don't need to that you should know what to do... like read her mind This certainly gives her many opportunities to be "mad" at you for things you didn't really realize were a problem, no? Dysfunctional and manipulative, IMO. When someone asks to "stay friends" it's possible to say "sure" and then make them essentially the absolute lowest priority on your list. It's a bit conflict-avoidant, but that way you can move on (you need to be clear that yes, it's the end) but it leaves open the remote (perhaps 2% or less chance) she comes back around and you happen to still be available, despite genuine efforts on your part to start dating again. So, an option to consider. (Note: I'm not at all certain her restarting things, IF that were to happen, would actually be a positive in your particular situation, but it's what you appear to want at the moment, so...) Edited March 28, 2022 by mark clemson
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