AngryGromit Posted March 28, 2022 Posted March 28, 2022 Sounds more like a child then an adult. We all been there, some issue that we could have taken care earlier, but didn't and things don't go as planned causing stress. The only way to grow and improve is to see flaws in yourself and address them. He never going to improve if he can't admit to himself he has an issue. Last week I got locked out of a firewall, because I neglected to change the password as required every 180 days, I didn't blame someone else, I told my boss it was my fault. Fortunately I was able to gain access via the local console, and it allowed me to change the expired password, but it could been much worse, a factory reset on a production system. This is when upper management gets to know you name and not in a good way.
Author loved88 Posted March 28, 2022 Author Posted March 28, 2022 8 minutes ago, AngryGromit said: The only way to grow and improve is to see flaws in yourself and address them. Yes, this is what I've always told him but nothing is ever his fault. Like NOT ONE TIME in the whole year that he got angry with something was his fault. What you did when you realised your mistake is exactly what I'd do, always recognise my mistake and admit to it and learn from it. I can see myself reaching my limit of tolerance. I should have walked away a hundred times ago when he got angry over small issues but I kept giving in. But it's just not easy to leave someone...
glows Posted March 28, 2022 Posted March 28, 2022 1 hour ago, loved88 said: Yes, this is what I've always told him but nothing is ever his fault. Like NOT ONE TIME in the whole year that he got angry with something was his fault. That’s a major character flaw. You’re seeing who he is instead of what you wanted him to be. Not being able to let go of this is you needing to control the situation. The issue is he’s not for you to control or mother or smother or any of the above. When you’ve stopped seeking to control or fix him you’ll be able to walk away.
Wiseman2 Posted March 28, 2022 Posted March 28, 2022 1 hour ago, loved88 said: I should have walked away a hundred times ago Just to this before you get more entrenched in this war.
poppyfields Posted March 28, 2022 Posted March 28, 2022 (edited) 13 hours ago, loved88 said: Wow, you kinda sound like him... @loved88if you truly believe this^ then you're the problem, not your boyfriend. Reason I say that is @dramafreezone is one of the calmest, most rational posters on this forum. I've had boyfriends who were quick to anger, my boss (an esteemed attorney) is extremely quick to anger! Just last week he waited until the last minute to copy documents for a personal meeting and the copier jammed and he got VERY angry. At the copier as silly as it was. You think if I or anyone were to point out he should not have waited until the last minute, it would have helped? No, he would have snapped at me! Gotten angry at me! Typically people with quick tempers let it out and then let it go. Anyone, including a girlfriend, especially a girlfriend, scolding them (which is how they perceive it) or attempting to change them is going to exacerbate the situation. This is not abuse, not from him, nor from you. That word is tossed around so much around here, it does a real disservice to people who suffer REAL abuse. I'll be honest, you sound controlling. Learn to let go and let him be. I am also a spontaneous person, I don't typically plan ahead, and there is nothing wrong or bad about that. I plan when I need to and if I had a boyfriend who proceeded to lecture me on the importance of planning ahead, I'd break up with him. Bottom line, if you cannot accept and love him AS IS, then break up with him. A boyfriend is not a project to be fixed, a boyfriend (or girlfriend if roles were reversed) should enhance your life, and bring a sense of happiness to your life. You're not compatible and frankly it sounds like you don't even like him much let alone love him. So just end it. Yes it will be hard as break ups always are. But you'd be doing both of you a big favor by doing so; it would allow you both the opportunity to find other people who were a better fit. I'm sorry and all the best moving forward. Edited March 28, 2022 by poppyfields
dramafreezone Posted March 28, 2022 Posted March 28, 2022 (edited) 15 hours ago, loved88 said: Wow, you kinda sound like him. It is not about being right, it is about him getting angry everytime things don't work his way. How many times do you think he got angry over small things for me to point it out straight to him that it's his problem for procrastinating in the first place? Do you think it's better for me to have comforted him and ultimately encourage this behaviour in that situation? Quote Yes, I'm critical of him because I do not want such behaviour in a partner. I've suggested incompability and breaking up a few times, but he wanted to try and work it out for me. It is frustrating to me everytime he got angry over something totally unnecessary. Like when the netflix showed error, his reaction is anger instead of trying to resolve it first. Like when he misplaced his keys, his reaction is anger instead of just taking a moment first to think where he could have placed them. Many many many more examples. Are those reactions normal to you? I've asked him what he thinks about me, he's fine with me. He only wants me to acknowledge his feelings(those unnecessary anger&frustrations) instead of telling him his reaction is immature. I'm not gonna acknowledge and validate his feelings because I don't want to encourage him to behave this way. That is interesting that your first instinct is to criticize, me in this instance. Side note, If I sound like him then I have a really high opinion of him now. That is precisely *why* we get angry, it is our instinctual response to the world not bending to our will. Someone getting angry does not necessarily mean that they have "anger issues." Everyone gets angry, you get angry, I get angry. I don't know about you, but I believe a partner's role is to add warmth, support, and love to our lives, not to discipline us or be a source of stress and conflict. Guys don't need another mother or a teacher, that's not why he's with you. There is more than enough of that in the world, we don't need to come home to more stress and conflict. When you tell him that he should've done something this way or he shouldn't act that way, do you see that as adding warmth, support and joy, or do you see how that could add stress and conflict to his life? Did you ever ask him why he gets angry in an attempt to understand him better? When's the last time you asked if he was ok or set aside time to just talk about how the two of you are doing in general, free of blame and judgement? Based on what you've said here, I think there's a good chance that he has some degree of depression, though again a qualified mental health clininician should provide this diagnosis. A classic symptom of depression is being prone to angry outbursts, even over small things. I know because I've been there (I think most of us have dealt with depression at some point) and things that would not have bothered you before depression bother you when you are depressed. If I had a partner that I suspected may be depressed, I would tell them my concerns and urge them to get help, while also being a source of support, warmth and love. You never did answer my question on what you feel *you* could do better in the relationship. You seem very clear on what he needs to do better, but how can you make things better? Edited March 28, 2022 by dramafreezone 1
Wiseman2 Posted March 28, 2022 Posted March 28, 2022 5 hours ago, loved88 said: but nothing is ever his fault. If you are both right-fighting, it means you're incompatible and in a power struggle. Dating/a relationship is better when it adds value and doesn't seem like a courtroom drama, figuring out right/wrong, fault/innocent, etc.
Recommended Posts