loved88 Posted March 27, 2022 Posted March 27, 2022 My bf and I have been together for a year. I've been thinking about ending our relationship on and off. This is because he's somebody who gets angry easily and blames everything that goes wrong on everyone/everything but never ever saw the fault in himself. For example, he has important documents that needed to be used for meeting but decided to wait until the very last minute when he had to go for the meeting to print those documents. And when the printer didn't work for some reason, he would blame and got very angry at the printer not working. On the other hand, I would see it as something that could have been avoided if he had done it days earlier. I understand unexpected things happen(printer broke down) but it was his problem in the first place for procrastinating until the very last minute. This has led him to banging the door when leaving because he was angry the printer didn't work, and I apparently added fuel to the fire for pointing out that he should have done it earlier. That is just one example. We were arguing almost every week at some point. Then things got a bit better when he actively tried to control his anger but it didn't last very long. Recently, we got into a fight again. He would always make it seem like I have no tolerance towards him even though he's trying. He would want some credit for "minor improvement" on controlling his anger. For me, I don't see that as improvement at all. I can only see it as unnecessary anger that shouldn't have been there in the first place. Now he's blaming me for not being gentle with my words. All I have said was his reaction towards things were over the top and unnecessary. He's making me feel like I'm at fault for not seeing his "improvement" instead, and is not talking to me for a few days now. I've used this time to re-evalute our relationship and I'm thinking I should end this. But I'm bothered if I've been too focused on my own opinion that I can't see his? Apart from his anger issue, everything else has been great.
Wiseman2 Posted March 27, 2022 Posted March 27, 2022 (edited) 6 minutes ago, loved88 said: My bf and I have been together for a year. Apart from his anger issue, everything else has been great. End it. This is a lot of drama and abuse for dating just a year. Being someone's punching bag is not "great". Do not try to run anyone's life. But get out of this mess asap. Edited March 27, 2022 by Wiseman2 1 1
glows Posted March 27, 2022 Posted March 27, 2022 In addition to anger issues he also seems unable to plan ahead or execute minor tasks. This isn’t just about anger. He may have long term issues thinking or planning or isn’t able to do that for whatever reason, not just out of carelessness. Maybe it’s a developmental disability or some other issue. He’s clearly frustrated. This isn’t working due to lack of management in very minor areas. The emotional aspect of it is him also not being able to manage his emotions similarly. Speaking about this logically isn’t going to make sense. I’d question whether any of it makes sense to him. End it respectfully and be professional at work regardless. Don’t add quips and smart comments about improvement. The company may also let him go soon or transfer him to another job due to disruption or unable to produce adequate results so stay out of it.
Author loved88 Posted March 27, 2022 Author Posted March 27, 2022 8 minutes ago, glows said: Speaking about this logically isn’t going to make sense. I’d question whether any of it makes sense to him. End it respectfully and be professional at work regardless. Don’t add quips and smart comments about improvement. The company may also let him go soon or transfer him to another job due to disruption or unable to produce adequate results so stay out of it. He's more of a spontaneous person who hates planning ahead while I'm always thinking too far ahead. No, we are not working together.
Author loved88 Posted March 27, 2022 Author Posted March 27, 2022 It has come to a point where I start to feel as if I'm emotionally abusing and gaslighting him for trying to "change" him. But all I want is for him to control his anger and not get angry over every small little things that go wrong.
glows Posted March 27, 2022 Posted March 27, 2022 1 minute ago, loved88 said: He's more of a spontaneous person who hates planning ahead while I'm always thinking too far ahead. No, we are not working together. You might want to rethink whether it’s a good idea being with someone who is unable to plan ahead. Planning is needed in nearly every aspect of life unless you’re living like an amoeba. Be realistic here and cut each other loose. 1
FMW Posted March 27, 2022 Posted March 27, 2022 Rarely can we change someone or even provide helpful suggestions by pointing out things like their lack of planning. It's not mature, but an angry or resentful reaction from the person you're trying to "help" isn't unusual in those reactions. If you choose to be involved with someone you generally have to be ok with how they handle life. If you feel the need to correct or teach, don't hang around. Both of you will be frustrated. 2
Wiseman2 Posted March 27, 2022 Posted March 27, 2022 46 minutes ago, loved88 said: It has come to a point where I start to feel as if I'm emotionally abusing and gaslighting him for trying to "change" him. But all I want is for him to control his anger and not get angry over every small little things that go wrong. " Anger problem" = Abuse. It's really that simple. Don't live in fear of someone's temper. 2
dramafreezone Posted March 27, 2022 Posted March 27, 2022 (edited) 2 hours ago, loved88 said: For example, he has important documents that needed to be used for meeting but decided to wait until the very last minute when he had to go for the meeting to print those documents. And when the printer didn't work for some reason, he would blame and got very angry at the printer not working. On the other hand, I would see it as something that could have been avoided if he had done it days earlier. I understand unexpected things happen(printer broke down) but it was his problem in the first place for procrastinating until the very last minute. This has led him to banging the door when leaving because he was angry the printer didn't work, and I apparently added fuel to the fire for pointing out that he should have done it earlier. Yeah, while you were right, your comment was not helpful at all in that moment. He knows that he should've done it earlier, it's kinda like you chiming in with "I told you so" and that only serves to infuriate people. I'm a pretty mild mannered person and that would tick me off big time. Is being right more important than keeping the peace? 2 hours ago, loved88 said: Recently, we got into a fight again. He would always make it seem like I have no tolerance towards him even though he's trying. He would want some credit for "minor improvement" on controlling his anger. For me, I don't see that as improvement at all. I can only see it as unnecessary anger that shouldn't have been there in the first place. Now he's blaming me for not being gentle with my words. All I have said was his reaction towards things were over the top and unnecessary. He's making me feel like I'm at fault for not seeing his "improvement" instead, and is not talking to me for a few days now. I've used this time to re-evalute our relationship and I'm thinking I should end this. But I'm bothered if I've been too focused on my own opinion that I can't see his? Apart from his anger issue, everything else has been great. Hmmm, are you critical of him in general? That's the feeling I'm getting. It seems to be more of the same theme as above, you are more concerned with being right then keeping the peace. You're saying he has anger issues, but you've laid out some scenarios that would anger me, and I consider myself pretty slow to anger. So I'm a bit curious if he really has this anger issue that you're reporting. Maybe he's just reacting like normal people would react to another's behavior. If you kick someone in the butt and they get angry about it, they don't necessarily have anger issues. Question, what do you feel you need to do better in this relationship? Edited March 27, 2022 by dramafreezone
Ami1uwant Posted March 27, 2022 Posted March 27, 2022 3 hours ago, loved88 said: It has come to a point where I start to feel as if I'm emotionally abusing and gaslighting him for trying to "change" him. But all I want is for him to control his anger and not get angry over every small little things that go wrong. I agree with others based on what you said, you should end it…but with this caveat.. perspective matters….you might be viewing this way, while if iwas seeing it I’d see it differently. Someone getting frustrated by something breaking down is different than personal interactions. It’s the same logical fallacy jump of someone saying “ I want to kill him” to actually doing that.
ShyViolet Posted March 27, 2022 Posted March 27, 2022 Uncontrolled anger issues is a really good reason to end a relationship. I would definitely not be with someone like that. You shouldn't have to live in fear of his temper tantrums and his angry outbursts. I'd walk out the door the minute he started that. 2
Calmandfocused Posted March 27, 2022 Posted March 27, 2022 The anger is not the issue. The issue is the fact he cannot take responsibility and he blames everything/ everyone else for the “injustice” of his frustrations. The anger is an avoidance strategy to avoid responsibility and blame. And it’s to manipulate others into thinking the problem lies with them. The book “Why does he do that” looks at this in detail - Read it. Example: Partner goes into a rage every time you complain about his dirty underwear on the bathroom floor? .. You become afraid of his anger, you choose to say nothing in the future, and partner continues to leave underwear on bathroom floor. Partner is happy, gets what he wants, avoids responsibility and it’s you whose has to “change” … by acceptance. I guarantee you that everything your partner becomes angry about is “your fault” in his eyes. You will always cause it and you will always be the one who needs to accept it. Get out. And do not ever have children with this man. 2
Author loved88 Posted March 28, 2022 Author Posted March 28, 2022 8 hours ago, dramafreezone said: Yeah, while you were right, your comment was not helpful at all in that moment. He knows that he should've done it earlier, it's kinda like you chiming in with "I told you so" and that only serves to infuriate people. I'm a pretty mild mannered person and that would tick me off big time. Is being right more important than keeping the peace? Hmmm, are you critical of him in general? That's the feeling I'm getting. It seems to be more of the same theme as above, you are more concerned with being right then keeping the peace. You're saying he has anger issues, but you've laid out some scenarios that would anger me, and I consider myself pretty slow to anger. So I'm a bit curious if he really has this anger issue that you're reporting. Maybe he's just reacting like normal people would react to another's behavior. If you kick someone in the butt and they get angry about it, they don't necessarily have anger issues. Question, what do you feel you need to do better in this relationship? Wow, you kinda sound like him. It is not about being right, it is about him getting angry everytime things don't work his way. How many times do you think he got angry over small things for me to point it out straight to him that it's his problem for procrastinating in the first place? Do you think it's better for me to have comforted him and ultimately encourage this behaviour in that situation? Yes, I'm critical of him because I do not want such behaviour in a partner. I've suggested incompability and breaking up a few times, but he wanted to try and work it out for me. It is frustrating to me everytime he got angry over something totally unnecessary. Like when the netflix showed error, his reaction is anger instead of trying to resolve it first. Like when he misplaced his keys, his reaction is anger instead of just taking a moment first to think where he could have placed them. Many many many more examples. Are those reactions normal to you? I've asked him what he thinks about me, he's fine with me. He only wants me to acknowledge his feelings(those unnecessary anger&frustrations) instead of telling him his reaction is immature. I'm not gonna acknowledge and validate his feelings because I don't want to encourage him to behave this way.
Ami1uwant Posted March 28, 2022 Posted March 28, 2022 17 minutes ago, loved88 said: Wow, you kinda sound like him. It is not about being right, it is about him getting angry everytime things don't work his way. How many times do you think he got angry over small things for me to point it out straight to him that it's his problem for procrastinating in the first place? Do you think it's better for me to have comforted him and ultimately encourage this behaviour in that situation? Yes, I'm critical of him because I do not want such behaviour in a partner. I've suggested incompability and breaking up a few times, but he wanted to try and work it out for me. It is frustrating to me everytime he got angry over something totally unnecessary. Like when the netflix showed error, his reaction is anger instead of trying to resolve it first. Like when he misplaced his keys, his reaction is anger instead of just taking a moment first to think where he could have placed them. Many many many more examples. Are those reactions normal to you? I've asked him what he thinks about me, he's fine with me. He only wants me to acknowledge his feelings(those unnecessary anger&frustrations) instead of telling him his reaction is immature. I'm not gonna acknowledge and validate his feelings because I don't want to encourage him to behave this way. it’s hard to understand in your description what this anger is. I’ll say S-O-B or WTF and other things if I got pissed or frustratated on something breaking. It does not mean I’m an angry or violent person. I have a feeling youare portraying something he is not. sure there are people who procrastinate. you tell him I told you so or nagging him is not supportive at all. I dealt with this with my ex wife…instead of asking a simp,e question that I’d respond to, she’d instead ask a loaded or biased question that was confrontational in nature.
Author loved88 Posted March 28, 2022 Author Posted March 28, 2022 (edited) 24 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said: it’s hard to understand in your description what this anger is. I’ll say S-O-B or WTF and other things if I got pissed or frustratated on something breaking. It does not mean I’m an angry or violent person. I have a feeling youare portraying something he is not. He would not stop cursing the f word in very frustrated way until he manages to resolve the issue. I've tried to be reasonable and supportive. Like when he couldn't find his keys, I asked him nicely to sit down for a moment and let's try to recall together where he might have placed them. What I got back in return was frustration, that I wasn't helping, "do you think I'm stupid? do you think I didn't look at that drawers?" etc. And he would just shut me away until he found his keys. Then he would come and apologised for getting frustrated. It is like this everytime. I would give him a kind warning like there's a puddle of water in front him, so he wouldn't step on it and wet his shoes&pants, but he would respond "I know, I know(in frustration)." When I told him I was just being concerned for him, he said he responded that way because he thought I thought he was stupid. Yup. Edited March 28, 2022 by loved88
Ami1uwant Posted March 28, 2022 Posted March 28, 2022 1 hour ago, loved88 said: He would not stop cursing the f word in very frustrated way until he manages to resolve the issue. I've tried to be reasonable and supportive. Like when he couldn't find his keys, I asked him nicely to sit down for a moment and let's try to recall together where he might have placed them. What I got back in return was frustration, that I wasn't helping, "do you think I'm stupid? do you think I didn't look at that drawers?" etc. And he would just shut me away until he found his keys. Then he would come and apologised for getting frustrated. It is like this everytime. I would give him a kind warning like there's a puddle of water in front him, so he wouldn't step on it and wet his shoes&pants, but he would respond "I know, I know(in frustration)." When I told him I was just being concerned for him, he said he responded that way because he thought I thought he was stupid. Yup. He has a mother…he wants a partner. Your wording and actual tone and phrasing likely comes off as his mother telling him what to do or don’t do.
Author loved88 Posted March 28, 2022 Author Posted March 28, 2022 33 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said: He has a mother…he wants a partner. Your wording and actual tone and phrasing likely comes off as his mother telling him what to do or don’t do. If I was mothering him around, I would be doing things like telling him when to have dinner, where to put his stuffs, make his bed, clean his room, etc. I'm not doing that. If my partner warned me there's a puddle of water, I would see that as someone who is caring and mindful of their surrounding.
basil67 Posted March 28, 2022 Posted March 28, 2022 13 hours ago, loved88 said: and I apparently added fuel to the fire for pointing out that he should have done it earlier. I also consider myself mild mannered. I'm a planner. I don't get furious or lose my temper. I've never sworn at a printer or a partner. And your partner's behaviour sounds appalling and not something I would tolerate. However, stating the obvious to someone who's already upset is only going to exacerbate the situation. So yes, in this instance, you did add fuel to the fire. Honestly, I don't know what possessed you to say such a thing when it was obvious that he was already lost his temper. And no, I wouldn't suggest placating him either. At that time, the best thing to do would have been to ignore all his fuss. All that said, you would be best to leave this situation. 1
chillii Posted March 28, 2022 Posted March 28, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said: He has a mother…he wants a partner. Your wording and actual tone and phrasing likely comes off as his mother telling him what to do or don’t do. Funny , l thought the exact same thing reading through before l even got to this. And op , he doesn't need you telling him there's a puddle. Not to say it's ok him cracking it every 5mins or to justify it yes he has anger issues. But you do also sound pretty irritating to sorry. Good news is you might be perfect for someone else but to him your just exasperating his problem. Edited March 28, 2022 by chillii
basil67 Posted March 28, 2022 Posted March 28, 2022 I also agree on the puddle thing. If there's a puddle, whoever finds it dries it - nobody is going to fall over in it. That is, if it's a smashed glass and bare feet, that's it's a different story.
Author loved88 Posted March 28, 2022 Author Posted March 28, 2022 28 minutes ago, basil67 said: I also agree on the puddle thing. If there's a puddle, whoever finds it dries it - nobody is going to fall over in it. That is, if it's a smashed glass and bare feet, that's it's a different story. It was on the street. He was looking at his phone, very sure he would have stepped on it and got wet(not to mention dirty) if I hadn't warn him. Hmm I didn't know it was better to just let him get wet than just saying "Ahh, watchout for that puddle", out of concern.
ExpatInItaly Posted March 28, 2022 Posted March 28, 2022 Just break up with him, OP. You're both frustrated and resentful of each other. You're fed up with him, and he is fed up with you. There's no point staying together anymore when you both have such difficulty tolerating the each other. 2
Author loved88 Posted March 28, 2022 Author Posted March 28, 2022 48 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Just break up with him, OP. You're both frustrated and resentful of each other. You're fed up with him, and he is fed up with you. There's no point staying together anymore when you both have such difficulty tolerating the each other. Ya, I'm seriously considering it but I need time to process. I'm so sick of dating and starting over again.
basil67 Posted March 28, 2022 Posted March 28, 2022 1 hour ago, loved88 said: It was on the street. He was looking at his phone, very sure he would have stepped on it and got wet(not to mention dirty) if I hadn't warn him. Hmm I didn't know it was better to just let him get wet than just saying "Ahh, watchout for that puddle", out of concern. If it's a dog poo or a pile of vomit, yes point it out. But a bit of dirt and water hurt nobody, and if he's not watching where he's walking it's just natural consequence. You don't need to mother him.
Wiseman2 Posted March 28, 2022 Posted March 28, 2022 7 hours ago, loved88 said: . I'm not gonna acknowledge and validate his feelings because I don't want to encourage him to behave this way. You're citing incident after incident. However if you string all these incidents together you'll have an abuse necklace. Why after dating just a year are you volunteering to be someone's emotional punching bag. You know it's not about printers netflix or this or that or the other. Why bother going on and on with character assassinations? He did this, he said that, etc etc etc . You're 100 % responsible to see this for what it is and end it. Stop trying to fix or change anyone. It's a fool's errand. 1
Recommended Posts