diana558 Posted March 27, 2022 Posted March 27, 2022 Hello, I'm not sure if I posted on a right forum topic but i am concerned about my bf (he is 25 and I am 21, LDR, both college students, almost 2 years in a relationship). He has a very bad sleeping schedule he stays up at night playing video games till 3am and wakes up at 1pm. He is overweight ( 5'8 , 211 pounds. On the internet it even says he is obese Class I). I tried talking to him about his weight, I suggested at least that he goes for a long walk and try to go on a diet. For the first time he listened to me and took my advice but that only lasted 3 days. I asked him why doesn't he want to go out to walk anymore and he said "I don't feel like it". He misses the whole morning by sleeping and he doesn't have much activity. In my eyes he is being a bit immature (maybe I'm wrong). He knows he is very overweight, gets tired very quickly when he has any type of physical activity ,snores very loud when he sleeps ( I don't know if this is because of the heart) and he doesn't want to do anything about it. He was diagnosed with depression months ago,they told him to visit the psychiatrist and he ended up not going. He claims to feel better now. I just don't know what to do anymore, whenever I mention his sleeping schedule or his weight he gets offended. I care about him a lot, I just want him to get better. Does someone have a similar experience or have any advice? Thank you.
smackie9 Posted March 27, 2022 Posted March 27, 2022 5 minutes ago, diana558 said: Hello, I'm not sure if I posted on a right forum topic but i am concerned about my bf (he is 25 and I am 21, LDR, both college students, almost 2 years in a relationship). He has a very bad sleeping schedule he stays up at night playing video games till 3am and wakes up at 1pm. He is overweight ( 5'8 , 211 pounds. On the internet it even says he is obese Class I). I tried talking to him about his weight, I suggested at least that he goes for a long walk and try to go on a diet. For the first time he listened to me and took my advice but that only lasted 3 days. I asked him why doesn't he want to go out to walk anymore and he said "I don't feel like it". He misses the whole morning by sleeping and he doesn't have much activity. In my eyes he is being a bit immature (maybe I'm wrong). He knows he is very overweight, gets tired very quickly when he has any type of physical activity ,snores very loud when he sleeps ( I don't know if this is because of the heart) and he doesn't want to do anything about it. He was diagnosed with depression months ago,they told him to visit the psychiatrist and he ended up not going. He claims to feel better now. I just don't know what to do anymore, whenever I mention his sleeping schedule or his weight he gets offended. I care about him a lot, I just want him to get better. Does someone have a similar experience or have any advice? Thank you. You should have told him right there that the way he is living his life, and the weight gain and doing nothing but playing video games says differently about his state of mind. I wouldn't let that fly at all. Tough love. Give a firm ultimatum, either he starts shaping up immediately (which you will participate with lifestyle changes) or you are ending it for good. 1
Gaeta Posted March 27, 2022 Posted March 27, 2022 Diana, you can only help someone if they wish to be helped. You cannot force him or annoy him until he does what you think he should do. Honestly, he has a toxic life style, he's obese, snoring is probably sleep apnea, he's in denial, he's in a depression, all this at 25, I strongly suggest you move on. At 21 you should be out there enjoying life with a young man full of energy! Caring about him is not a good reason enough to waste your youth on him. 4 1
Author diana558 Posted March 27, 2022 Author Posted March 27, 2022 14 minutes ago, smackie9 said: You should have told him right there that the way he is living his life, and the weight gain and doing nothing but playing video games says differently about his state of mind. I wouldn't let that fly at all. Tough love. Give a firm ultimatum, either he starts shaping up immediately (which you will participate with lifestyle changes) or you are ending it for good. I am exhausted trying to explain to him that this isn't a healthy lifestyle. I might have to do what you suggested, there is no other option. 1
smackie9 Posted March 27, 2022 Posted March 27, 2022 (edited) 6 minutes ago, diana558 said: I am exhausted trying to explain to him that this isn't a healthy lifestyle. I might have to do what you suggested, there is no other option. I'm gonna tell you this....people who suffer from depression, will always have depression. It has to be maintained with therapy/medication for the rest of his life. At 21, it is not your job to help him. And like Gaeta said, he's 25 being like this, you should be walking away from this relationship. Life is too short to sacrifice your youth over someone who is like this because you care about him....care about yourself, because girl life should be fun/exciting/comfortable. This guy is ruining your life. Edited March 27, 2022 by smackie9 2
Wiseman2 Posted March 27, 2022 Posted March 27, 2022 27 minutes ago, diana558 said: He was diagnosed with depression months ago, they told him to visit the psychiatrist and he ended up not going. whenever I mention his sleeping schedule or his weight he gets offended. Sorry this is happening. How often do you see each other? Unfortunately try to fix or change someone doesn't help. He is going to tune out nagging. Sadly he's stuck in depression and unhealthy lifestyle habits. You need to discontinue nagging or bringing it up. It's making matters worse to dog him about it. All you can do is pull back and stay in your own lane. 1
Author diana558 Posted March 27, 2022 Author Posted March 27, 2022 26 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry this is happening. How often do you see each other? Unfortunately try to fix or change someone doesn't help. He is going to tune out nagging. Sadly he's stuck in depression and unhealthy lifestyle habits. You need to discontinue nagging or bringing it up. It's making matters worse to dog him about it. All you can do is pull back and stay in your own lane. Once a month, sometimes every 2 month's. I understand what you are saying but it is difficult for me to watch, I'm not happy that he has depression I have to say something otherwise it would look like I don't care for him. I am underweight and I'm eating as much as possible to gain weight. I never got mad at him once he told me to gain weight but he gets mad at me when I tell him that it would be best if he lost some weight. I know it's not easy but I don't know why is he okay with this. I am very aware of my problem and I'm doing the best I can to help myself. I just want him to try too.
Gaeta Posted March 27, 2022 Posted March 27, 2022 20 minutes ago, diana558 said: Once a month, sometimes every 2 month's. I know it's not easy but I don't know why is he okay with this. You see him once a month or every 2 months? And you put yourself through this misery for this little time with him? He's not doing it because he suffers from depression and he's unwilling to do what needs to be done to be treated. Your part in this story ends here. There is NOTHING you can do and it's pretty useless to put energy in understanding why other people don't make good life decisions. He needs to figure out his life for himself. He may never get his life on track, in a year he could be 280-lbs and diabetic, still playing videogames all day long. 2
glows Posted March 27, 2022 Posted March 27, 2022 This is one of those situations you respectfully decline and know exactly what you’re getting into before you proceed. You knew his lifestyle when you started the LDR so don’t seek to change him. Half of the problem is you thinking you’re entitled to walk in and change a person’s life. That’s not how things work. It doesn’t matter how much it’s under the guise of “help”. You’re not helping with criticism or ultimatums. I’d question whether he should be in a relationship at the moment with untreated depression. When dating pick partners who reflect the same lifestyle and habits that you have. It’s unreasonable for you to expect him to be any different. 5
Author diana558 Posted March 27, 2022 Author Posted March 27, 2022 7 minutes ago, glows said: This is one of those situations you respectfully decline and know exactly what you’re getting into before you proceed. You knew his lifestyle when you started the LDR so don’t seek to change him. Half of the problem is you thinking you’re entitled to walk in and change a person’s life. That’s not how things work. It doesn’t matter how much it’s under the guise of “help”. You’re not helping with criticism or ultimatums. I’d question whether he should be in a relationship at the moment with untreated depression. When dating pick partners who reflect the same lifestyle and habits that you have. It’s unreasonable for you to expect him to be any different. Well if it's my fault I'll take it
Author diana558 Posted March 27, 2022 Author Posted March 27, 2022 10 minutes ago, Gaeta said: You see him once a month or every 2 months? And you put yourself through this misery for this little time with him? He's not doing it because he suffers from depression and he's unwilling to do what needs to be done to be treated. Your part in this story ends here. There is NOTHING you can do and it's pretty useless to put energy in understanding why other people don't make good life decisions. He needs to figure out his life for himself. He may never get his life on track, in a year he could be 280-lbs and diabetic, still playing videogames all day long. Yes I understand, thank you so much for responding and giving your opinion/suggestion !
SingFish Posted March 27, 2022 Posted March 27, 2022 1 hour ago, diana558 said: I am exhausted trying to explain to him that this isn't a healthy lifestyle. I might have to do what you suggested, there is no other option. You're not his mother.
Author diana558 Posted March 27, 2022 Author Posted March 27, 2022 9 minutes ago, SingFish said: You're not his mother. I know I am not his mother. I was just trying to let him know that I worry for him. That is all.
dramafreezone Posted March 27, 2022 Posted March 27, 2022 (edited) 4 hours ago, diana558 said: Hello, I'm not sure if I posted on a right forum topic but i am concerned about my bf (he is 25 and I am 21, LDR, both college students, almost 2 years in a relationship). He has a very bad sleeping schedule he stays up at night playing video games till 3am and wakes up at 1pm. He is overweight ( 5'8 , 211 pounds. On the internet it even says he is obese Class I). I tried talking to him about his weight, I suggested at least that he goes for a long walk and try to go on a diet. For the first time he listened to me and took my advice but that only lasted 3 days. I asked him why doesn't he want to go out to walk anymore and he said "I don't feel like it". He misses the whole morning by sleeping and he doesn't have much activity. In my eyes he is being a bit immature (maybe I'm wrong). He knows he is very overweight, gets tired very quickly when he has any type of physical activity ,snores very loud when he sleeps ( I don't know if this is because of the heart) and he doesn't want to do anything about it. He was diagnosed with depression months ago,they told him to visit the psychiatrist and he ended up not going. He claims to feel better now. I just don't know what to do anymore, whenever I mention his sleeping schedule or his weight he gets offended. I care about him a lot, I just want him to get better. Does someone have a similar experience or have any advice? Thank you. It has to be his idea to change. He knows he's overweight, he knows he's depressed. He knows everything you're telling him, and I'm sure he wants to change it, but it's another step entirely to put thoughts into action. But you can keep telling him until you're blue in the face, but you're using a logical plea to address an emotional issue. So in effect it's like trying to open a door with a key that doesn't fit. You can keep trying to jam the key in there to make it fit but it doesn't. Counter-balance his feelings of helplessness (which is what he feels right now) with support and empathy, not criticism. As far as action, do the things that you feel he should do and lead by example, while being a source of warmth and kindness. Edited March 27, 2022 by dramafreezone 1
mark clemson Posted March 27, 2022 Posted March 27, 2022 Consider having him speak to a doctor about what his health is likely to be like if he continues on his current trajectory. At 25ish I had started to gain quite a bit of weight and a doctor told me that, projecting out, I was going to be obese. That was the kick in the pants I needed to improve my health habits in a lasting way, which has continued for well over 2 decades... 2
stillafool Posted March 27, 2022 Posted March 27, 2022 If you really want him to lose the weight you could always break up with him. He will be so angry he will lose the weight, get into shape and get healthy just out of revenge. If you really care about him you will do this.
Author diana558 Posted March 27, 2022 Author Posted March 27, 2022 7 minutes ago, mark clemson said: Consider having him speak to a doctor about what his health is likely to be like if he continues on his current trajectory. At 25ish I had started to gain quite a bit of weight and a doctor told me that, projecting out, I was going to be obese. That was the kick in the pants I needed to improve my health habits in a lasting way, which has continued for well over 2 decades... Your health is very important I'm glad you are trying , I truly wish you the best! 1
Els Posted March 27, 2022 Posted March 27, 2022 Changing their entire lifestyle is not something that you can just "make" someone do. Either they want to do it for themselves, or they don't - if they DO want to do something about it, then that's where you can come in with support/advice etc. Clearly your bf doesn't want to, so there's nothing you can realistically do that will make him change his mind. Either you leave, or you accept it. Considering all of the things you've mentioned, I'd recommend leaving. 1
Ami1uwant Posted March 27, 2022 Posted March 27, 2022 4 hours ago, diana558 said: Once a month, sometimes every 2 month's. I understand what you are saying but it is difficult for me to watch, I'm not happy that he has depression I have to say something otherwise it would look like I don't care for him. I am underweight and I'm eating as much as possible to gain weight. I never got mad at him once he told me to gain weight but he gets mad at me when I tell him that it would be best if he lost some weight. I know it's not easy but I don't know why is he okay with this. I am very aware of my problem and I'm doing the best I can to help myself. I just want him to try too. There is style points at play here in how you communicate and pick the right words. did he weigh this when you started dating? Did his behavior change when you first started dating? 1
Author diana558 Posted March 27, 2022 Author Posted March 27, 2022 15 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said: There is style points at play here in how you communicate and pick the right words. did he weigh this when you started dating? Did his behavior change when you first started dating? no, he weighted about 194 pounds when we started dating. He did go to the gym first 3 months of dating but stopped going. He did gain some muscles ( that's what he wanted) but lost them after stopping going to the gym.
Ami1uwant Posted March 27, 2022 Posted March 27, 2022 9 minutes ago, diana558 said: no, he weighted about 194 pounds when we started dating. He did go to the gym first 3 months of dating but stopped going. He did gain some muscles ( that's what he wanted) but lost them after stopping going to the gym. Couldn’t this be attributed to Covid ???
Author diana558 Posted March 27, 2022 Author Posted March 27, 2022 Just now, Ami1uwant said: Couldn’t this be attributed to Covid ??? Are you referring to gym? If so, gym was open during Covid ( We live in europe in a small country, everything was open at that time in our country,sadly).
Ami1uwant Posted March 27, 2022 Posted March 27, 2022 6 minutes ago, diana558 said: Are you referring to gym? If so, gym was open during Covid ( We live in europe in a small country, everything was open at that time in our country,sadly). He might not have been comfortable going. What sort of lockdown was there locally? Covid alone has affect peop,e in many was from depression because of lack of social interaction. This relationship might have stayed in place in part because of Covid and limited social encounters.
Author diana558 Posted March 27, 2022 Author Posted March 27, 2022 Just now, Ami1uwant said: He might not have been comfortable going. What sort of lockdown was there locally? Covid alone has affect peop,e in many was from depression because of lack of social interaction. This relationship might have stayed in place in part because of Covid and limited social encounters. If he was not comfortable going that is his right, I never forced him to go and I never will. Only schools weren't open when the covid started spreading. There were online classes. Everything else was open but of course you needed to wear a mask, keep your distance and later get vaccinated (if you wanted to).
AngryGromit Posted March 28, 2022 Posted March 28, 2022 23 hours ago, diana558 said: He is overweight ( 5'8 , 211 pounds. On the internet it even says he is obese Class I). I tried talking to him about his weight, I suggested at least that he goes for a long walk and try to go on a diet. For the first time he listened to me and took my advice but that only lasted 3 days. I asked him why doesn't he want to go out to walk anymore and he said "I don't feel like it". If he's obese this young, his weight issue is only going to get worse as he gets older. I didn't start gaining weight to my mid-30's, he's too young be overweight already. The snoring has a lot to do with his weight, when I lost weight, my girlfriend said my snoring improved dramatically.
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