When do you talk about past relationship history?

[dramafreezone]

26 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

 

this is a big red flag to me if you can’t discuss what happened in past relationships…especially the long term i es.  It says to me you didn’t learn anything from thrm and you tend to keep secrets.

That first point is interesting.  It's precisely because I have learned from past relationships that I don't carry the baggage forward.  The bad stuff is of no use to me or anyone else.  I only bring forward the positive things through my actions, not my words.

And quite frankly my past relationships are only the business of me and that person.  It's not my current partner's right to know anything about my past relationships, only what I choose to divulge in appropriate context.  It's primarily out of respect for that ex, there should be some sense of honoring what we had together by keeping out business just between us, just my opinion. 

And just the same, that current partner would not want me talking about her to the next GF if we break up.

Edited March 27, 2022 by dramafreezone

[Ami1uwant]

5 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

That first point is interesting.  It's precisely because I have learned from past relationships that I don't carry the baggage forward.  The bad stuff is of no use to me or anyone else.  I only bring forward the positive things.

And quite frankly my past relationships are only the business of me and that person.  It's not my current partner's right to know anything about my past relationships, only what I choose to divulge in appropriate context.  It's primarily out of respect for that ex, there should be some sense of honoring what we had together by keeping out business just between us, just my opinion.

 

if you can’t discuss the general details of your past serious relationships says to me you aren’t over it.  I’m not talking about digging into unnecessary details.

 

if there was sone scaring from this past relationship that comes out in my relationship with you, don’t expect me to forgive/ support you.  

[dramafreezone]

8 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

 

if you can’t discuss the general details of your past serious relationships says to me you aren’t over it.  I’m not talking about digging into unnecessary details.

 

if there was sone scaring from this past relationship that comes out in my relationship with you, don’t expect me to forgive/ support you.  

Well I respect your opinion.  I do not agree at all with it but I'm not going to try to talk you out of thinking what you think.  This is the way *I* approach it, and everyone is a bit different.  

I tend to think the opposite, why speak about things that you've resolved, unless someone is asking how they can resolve an issue that you've experiened previously?  We speak through current issues/problems, at least that's what I do.

Fortunately I've not yet dated a woman that was highly intrigued with my past relationships or insisted upon the details of my past relationship so it's never been an issue for me.

Edited March 27, 2022 by dramafreezone

[Els]

I can't say that we've ever had a big "exes" conversation. For the most part it just comes up naturally while talking about other stuff.

If I had to say when we first started talking about that, probably a few weeks in?

[Alvi]

11 hours ago, Alpaca said:

I'm just concerned how do you tell someone that you haven't been in a relationship since your engagement ended? That was a few years ago and I've only casually dated because that's all that I've been equipped for emotionally. 

I'm just trying to figure out how to explain that if/when the moment arises.

I've been single for the three years since my engagement ended. If someone asks me how long I've been single, I tell that I've been single for the last  three years since my engagement ended. That's it. If they probe some more (very rude in my opining) and ask why I've been single for so long, I tell them that I am very picky and will not settle for dating just about anybody. I don't understand why you need to divulge lot of info about why your last relationship failed or to talk in-depth about it. Maybe once you've been dating for a while that could be fine. I have nothing to hide, nor did I do anything wrong, but this is not something I need or want to share with someone I've practically met.

[Wiseman2]

Asking for their latest tax return may offer more info  to prevent headaches.😋

[Alvi]

1 hour ago, Happy Lemming said:

100% Agree... My girlfriend did disclose that she was married before and he died in an industrial accident some years after the divorce.  Other than that, I don't care about who she previously dated.  We've never talked about any exes.  I guess we've never seen a reason to discuss the subject.

Exactly!!! There are thousands of other subjects to talk about, so why discuss your exes? Better to have talks about a mutual future together and plan some fun things to do as a couple.

[Ami1uwant]

3 minutes ago, Alvi said:

I've been single for the three years since my engagement ended. If someone asks me how long I've been single, I tell that I've been single for the last  three years since my engagement ended. That's it. If they probe some more (very rude in my opining) and ask why I've been single for so long, I tell them that I am very picky and will not settle for dating just about anybody. I don't understand why you need to divulge lot of info about why your last relationship failed or to talk in-depth about it. Maybe once you've been dating for a while that could be fine. I have nothing to hide, nor did I do anything wrong, but this is not something I need or want to share with someone I've practically met.

Did you learn anything from your engagement that affects how you choose a person now that you want to date?

that’s the point…of finding out what you want or don’t want in a relationship. Past relationships mold you.  If you can’t admit mistakes you made in the past relationship ( everyone has mistakes. Anyone saying no is in denial) thrn there are concerns there.  I don’t buy it was all his/ her fault.
 

people use past relationships as comparison benchmarks in future ones.

 

why an engagement failed could reveal a bigger issue to address such as lifestyle or personality that might come out later.

 

 

 

[stella]

I usually go with the flow and talk about them when the conversation brings them up. I don't usually judge a person from his-her past, as I am not a kid anymore I suppose that as I have baggage they also have, and assume the other person would do the same. If the other person doesn't or get pissed or judge then it's a red flag. 

[poppyfields]

Simply put and again jmo and what has worked for me and my boyfriends in most of my LTRs, it NOT about complaining, bad mouthing or opening old wounds, but rather it's about learning, growing, evolving and sharing experiences and how those experiences have shaped you into becoming the person you are today. 

Including but not limited to, your relationship history. 

It's part of the journey imo.  A path on the road to achieving emotional intimacy with your partner. 

I do think this type of emotional disclosure and intimacy scares some people, or they simply have no use for diving in that deep and that's fine!  

As long as you're both on the same page about it; I recall with one of my long term ex's who I have posted about on this forum, he was so secretive, I ended up discovering after 9 months dating that he was previously married.

I discovered this by seeing a picture of them at his sister's house and inquiring who she was.

His sister told me "his ex wife." 

When I confronted my boyfriend about it, he responded the reason he never told me was because he didn't feel it was important, it was in the past.

That was the beginning of the end even though we remained together two years after that but it was never quite the same for me.

Another woman might have been OK with it and with his secretive nature, to each their own, no wrong or right. 

 

Edited March 27, 2022 by poppyfields

[mtnbiker3000]

When I was younger, I would stay away from conversations like that. But as I get older it does seem to carry more significance. As others have mentioned, it's part of being open with your partner. I wouldn't go into graphic detail, but I have nothing to hide and neither should she. My ex has 4 kids with 3 different dad's. But that really meant nothing to me as she is an intelligent, educated and quality human being with strong values and convictions. She was nervous to bring it up with me, but I quickly put her mind at ease and assured her it really meant nothing to me.

[dramafreezone]

39 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I recall with one of my long term ex's who I have posted about on this forum, he was so secretive, I ended up discovering after 9 months dating that he was previously married.

I discovered this by seeing a picture of them at his sister's house and inquiring who she was.

His sister told me "his ex wife." 

When I confronted my boyfriend about it, he responded the reason he never told me was because he didn't feel it was important, it was in the past.

That was the beginning of the end even though we remained together two years after that but it was never quite the same for me.

Another woman might have been OK with it and with his secretive nature, to each their own, no wrong or right. 

 

Well now this is insane to me.  When we're talking about relationship history, I didn't think that meant excluding the existence of entire relationships. 

That's not just secretive, that is lying.  I'm sure you asked a direct question that should've produced that information and he chose instead to lie to your face.

If I had previously been married that'd be one of the first things I'd communicate.  That type of fact is one that just grows larger and larger over time.

Edited March 27, 2022 by dramafreezone

[poppyfields]

Thanks DFZ, yes it was a lie (of omission), my point however is that he thought it was perfectly fine to not share with me, he saw no relevance in my knowing, served no purpose, it was in the past. 

I came to discover he was secretive about other things in his past as well, and I never truly knew him at all.

One of my brothers is the same, he's married and his wife accepts this about him.

IMO their relationship is cold and devoid of emotional intimacy, in fact whenever she wants to discuss an issue with him, she must write him a note and ask when a good time to talk is. 

But again she accepts this and is OK with it, so it's not a problem for them.

There's a lid for every pot as they say, not for me to judge, only to determine what is right for me. 

Alpaca, disclose when you feel comfortable, or not at all, it's completely up to you, again, no wrong or right as far as I'm concerned.

Edited March 27, 2022 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

Wow.

These are all really good replies.

Certainly, as a woman, I have been asked questions, such as why did my engagement end, and I have been very brief with my reasoning, but I think he may have considered this as being private.

I feel the sharing of past loves can evoke bad feelings or allow for reflection but tends to work best when it is natural. The refusal to talk about a former partner can obviously be a source of concern. But I also see it from a forward-looking perspective, not a backward-looking one.

I also feel there are certain things I'd like us to know about each other (what those are I'm not sure yet 😄).

Regardless, if you're the right partner for each other, and you connect in other ways in the end I don't think it matters much either way.

Still, it's interesting just reading through some of the responses though how much it varies.

Thanks so much!

 

Edited March 27, 2022 by Alpaca

[dramafreezone]

1 hour ago, Alpaca said:

Wow.

These are all really good replies.

Certainly, as a woman, I have been asked questions, such as why did my engagement end, and I have been very brief with my reasoning, but I think he may have considered this as being private.

I feel the sharing of past loves can evoke bad feelings or allow for reflection but tends to work best when it is natural. The refusal to talk about a former partner can obviously be a source of concern. But I also see it from a forward-looking perspective, not a backward-looking one.

I also feel there are certain things I'd like us to know about each other (what those are I'm not sure yet 😄).

Regardless, if you're the right partner for each other, and you connect in other ways in the end I don't think it matters much either way.

Still, it's interesting just reading through some of the responses though how much it varies.

Thanks so much!

 

This is a good topic so thanks for posting it.

I've been thinking about this more, and in an effort to refine my position on the matter, I think I'm much more open when these types of topics come up organically in the course of normal conversation.  If she came directly out of nowhere with asking about my past relationships, I think I would be fine to answer a limited number of general questions, but it would be concerning to me if these questions continued for some time, if she kept digging for very specific and private details, or if my overview of the relationship was unsatisfactory in her mind (as if she thought I was not being honest).  I'd go with something like this at that point:

"Sweetie, I'm fine to answer your questions about my past relationships, but I have to be honest I'm a bit caught off guard by this sudden interest in my past relationships.  I think it's apparent that there's some concern that's behind this line of questioning, so please let me know what the concern is with *our* relationship so that we can address that."

Communication is a two-way street IMO, and if she stone-walled me at this point then THAT'S when I would have a problem, because at that point I'm being asked to be forthcoming with information but she's not.

Even with this view, I think some information is best left unsaid.  I do believe that anyone I'm in a relationship with past or present is entitled to some assurace of confidentiality, if for no other reason than I wouldn't want them to just tell everyone that asked private details about our relationship.  Also, people that ask for information sometimes don't consider that may make them feel inferior in comparison to the ex, or they'll take it as we're comparing her to them.  At that point she's feeling unnecessarily insecure when this was a bit of information that was not important in any way.  I think many guys have been in a position when they've spoken too much and said something that they see as innocuous which upset her, so it's not a good idea IMO to be a completely open book.

Edited March 27, 2022 by dramafreezone

[Alpacalia]

42 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

This is a good topic so thanks for posting it.

I've been thinking about this more, and in an effort to refine my position on the matter, I think I'm much more open when these types of topics come up organically in the course of normal conversation.  If she came directly out of nowhere with asking about my past relationships, I think I would be fine to answer a limited number of general questions, but it would be concerning to me if these questions continued for some time, if she kept digging for very specific and private details, or if my overview of the relationship was unsatisfactory in her mind (as if she thought I was not being honest).  I'd go with something like this at that point:

"Sweetie, I'm fine to answer your questions about my past relationships, but I have to be honest I'm a bit caught off guard by this sudden interest in my past relationships.  I think it's apparent that there's some concern that's behind this line of questioning, so please let me know what the concern is with *our* relationship so that we can address that."

Communication is a two-way street IMO, and if she stone-walled me at this point then THAT'S when I would have a problem, because at that point I'm being asked to be forthcoming with information but she's not.

Even with this view, I think some information is best left unsaid.  I do believe that anyone I'm in a relationship with past or present is entitled to some assurace of confidentiality, if for no other reason than I wouldn't want them to just tell everyone that asked private details about our relationship.  Also, people that ask for information sometimes don't consider that may make them feel inferior in comparison to the ex, or they'll take it as we're comparing her to them.  At that point she's feeling unnecessarily insecure when this was a bit of information that was not important in any way.  I think many guys have been in a position when they've spoken too much and said something that they see as innocuous which upset her, so it's not a good idea IMO to be a completely open book.

You're welcome.

It was just something I was thinking about because one of the men I am getting to know asked me a bunch of questions I didn't expect after only knowing him for a short while.

Certainly, it was a little early to raise some of the questions, but I also could understand if he wanted to know certain things about me. 

I'm glad though that everyone got something out of the discussion and I appreciate the insight.

Edited March 28, 2022 by Alpaca

[poppyfields]

Alpaca, again it's about how comfortable you feel being open and sharing.  You should feel under no obligation to disclose anything you're uncomfortable sharing. 

That said, I'm trying to understand why you wouldn't want to answer a direct question with a direct, open and forthcoming answer, but that's only because I myself am an open book about such things with someone special. 

I have nothing to hide, nothing to feel shame about, and I actually welcome such questions and am happy that a man I'm becoming romantically involved with cares enough to ask and desires to get to know me on a deeper level.

The only time I would feel discomfort is if I didn't trust that he would not negatively judge me, but as I said in previous, I would NOT be dating a man if I did not trust him to accept me. 

But that's me, you're you. 

Like you, I've broken an engagement, two actually, the last was pretty messy and when asked about it, I am 100% honest and forthcoming.

I went through hell after it was over, but I overcame and eventually healed, learned, grown, evolved because of that experience.

Why would not myself or anyone be proud of that and want to share how I got to where I am today?  

This is not a judgment, I'm just seeking understanding, that's all.

Your past is part of who you are, as a woman, as a human being. 

Anyway, I hope whatever you're going through that brought you to create this thread is a good positive experience. 

Good luck! 

 

 

 

Edited March 28, 2022 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

5 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Alpaca, again it's about how comfortable you feel being open and sharing.  You should feel under no obligation to disclose anything you're uncomfortable sharing. 

That said, I'm trying to understand why you wouldn't want to answer a direct question with a direct answer, but that's only because I myself am an open book about such things with someone special. 

I have nothing to hide, nothing to feel shame about, and I actually welcome such questions and am happy that a man I'm becoming romantically involved with cares enough to ask and desires to get to know me on a deeper level.

The only time I would feel discomfort is if I didn't trust that he would not negatively judge me, but as I said in previous, I would NOT be dating a man if I did not trust him to accept me. 

But that's me, you're you. 

I've broken two engagements, the last was pretty messy and when asked about it, I am 100% honest.

I went through hell after it was over, but I overcame and eventually healed, learned, grown, evolved because of that experience.

Why would not myself or anyone be proud of that and want to share?  

This is not a judgment, I'm just seeking understanding, that's all.

Your past is part of who you are, as a woman, as a human being. 

 

 

 

I've given men in the past the reason for the end of my engagement.

But like I said my responses were brief.

I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with my response with someone I only recently met.

You're talking about trust with dating someone what? A few weeks, a month, more? 

Even if you (not you personally but just as an example) believe yourself to have an open-heart with every man that you date, some parts of you cannot be opened up fully until the other person puts in the time and has done the work.

[poppyfields]

15 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

some parts of you cannot be opened up fully until the other person puts in the time and has done the work.

I agree trust takes time; it varies with every person we date, and as such the disclosure of certain information goes hand in hand with that.

But if you don't mind my asking, can you clarify what you mean by he has "done the work"?

What type of work are you referring to, or do you mean he has put forth the effort to show that he's sincere and cares, and won't judge you? 

If so, I agree and that work and effort goes both ways to develop a mutual trust. 

I agree there is absolutely nothing wrong or bad about waiting until that mutual trust has developed before disclosing anything.  And that takes time. 

In the meantime, answering briefly as you do is the way to go. 

Early dates should be fun and sexy imo, the deeper stuff comes later. 

Edited March 28, 2022 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

6 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I agree trust takes time; it varies with every person we date, and as such the disclosure of certain information goes hand in hand with that.

But if you don't mind my asking, can you clarify what you mean by he has "done the work"?

What type of work are you referring to, or do you mean he has put forth the effort to show that he's sincere and cares, and won't judge you? 

If so, I agree and that work and effort goes both ways to develop a mutual trust. 

I agree there is absolutely nothing wrong or bad about waiting until that mutual trust has developed before disclosing anything. 

Early dates should be fun and sexy imo, the deeper stuff comes later. 

Agree.

"Done the work" you know that they're reliable.

And same in return.

I think we can all agree that at the end of the day, it's all about when we are ready and feel comfortable placing our trust in someone.

And if that takes a while, that’s OK.

 

[Lotsgoingon]

The first step here comes before the question you're asking. That first step is you get comfortable with breaking an engagement AND with not dating seriously since then. In other words, you gotta tell yourself a narrative that works for you, helps you feel good about yourself. Other people basically read our body language, and if you're worried about the engagement and so on, that will show up.

And here's the point--it's all needless. 

There is nothing to be ashamed about here. Remember, we are looking for partners who get us. If you think a potential partner is going to reject you because you haven't dated in X amount of time, then that is not the person for you. Your question really only applies if you're trying to date people who cannot accept you exactly where you are. 

Make sure you keep the right focus: you are trying to find someone who gets you and who you like. You are NOT trying to impress someone or calm their worries if they want be weirdly critical of your dating past. For what it's worth, it's much better to break an engagement than it is to continue on to marry someone simply because you're engaged. And there is no shame whether you initiated the break or whether your ex initiated it. 

Maybe you haven't reached that interim key step in the process. And that step is you look back and you see what you have learned (as others have mentioned ) and you realize that hey, there were problems with that relationship and ultimately you want to get to the point where you can say I'm glad it didn't work out. It hurt, but I'm glad. 

So the frame here is that you want to be yourself and attract people who are blown away by your strengths. If someone has a criteria that you should have dated within x time, then move on. That ain't gonna work. So no need to worry about that kind of person. 

Now the direct answer is you gotta perhaps practice at answering the question about your past in a way that feels strong for you. Again, you might need to construct a narrative here, a narrative of how you got to where you are and that justifies not dating, that justifies and makes sense of ending the engagement. 

 

 

 

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

The first step here comes before the question you're asking. That first step is you get comfortable with breaking an engagement AND with not dating seriously since then. In other words, you gotta tell yourself a narrative that works for you, helps you feel good about yourself. Other people basically read our body language, and if you're worried about the engagement and so on, that will show up.

And here's the point--it's all needless. 

There is nothing to be ashamed about here. Remember, we are looking for partners who get us. If you think a potential partner is going to reject you because you haven't dated in X amount of time, then that is not the person for you. Your question really only applies if you're trying to date people who cannot accept you exactly where you are. 

Make sure you keep the right focus: you are trying to find someone who gets you and who you like. You are NOT trying to impress someone or calm their worries if they want be weirdly critical of your dating past. For what it's worth, it's much better to break an engagement than it is to continue on to marry someone simply because you're engaged. And there is no shame whether you initiated the break or whether your ex initiated it. 

Maybe you haven't reached that interim key step in the process. And that step is you look back and you see what you have learned (as others have mentioned ) and you realize that hey, there were problems with that relationship and ultimately you want to get to the point where you can say I'm glad it didn't work out. It hurt, but I'm glad. 

So the frame here is that you want to be yourself and attract people who are blown away by your strengths. If someone has a criteria that you should have dated within x time, then move on. That ain't gonna work. So no need to worry about that kind of person. 

Now the direct answer is you gotta perhaps practice at answering the question about your past in a way that feels strong for you. Again, you might need to construct a narrative here, a narrative of how you got to where you are and that justifies not dating, that justifies and makes sense of ending the engagement. 

 

 

 

I love this.

Thank you.

Maybe there is a little part of me that worries that my past won’t be fully understood. I have shortcomings just like everyone else and I’m fairly okay with them. I mean that relationship really hurt me but like you said, I also know that continuing to marry someone simply because you’re engaged and me choosing to overlook certain things would have certainly been a mistake.

[Wiseman2]

The most important thing to remember is that dating is not therapy.

Aside from general honest background info, going on about prior relationships means that someone is not really to date.

Living in the past, licking old wounds etc. needs to be taken care of before dating again. It's disrespect to the person in front of you to make the dating situation about the past rather than getting to know them.

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

The most important thing to remember is that dating is not therapy.

Aside from general honest background info, going on about prior relationships means that someone is not really to date.

Living in the past, licking old wounds etc. needs to be taken care of before dating again. It's disrespect to the person in front of you to make the dating situation about the past rather than getting to know them.

That makes sense.

Discussing pasta preference is more exciting anyway. 🍝😝

Edited March 28, 2022 by Alpaca

[flitzanu]

On 3/27/2022 at 5:26 PM, Alpaca said:

Wow.

These are all really good replies.

Certainly, as a woman, I have been asked questions, such as why did my engagement end, and I have been very brief with my reasoning, but I think he may have considered this as being private.

I feel the sharing of past loves can evoke bad feelings or allow for reflection but tends to work best when it is natural. The refusal to talk about a former partner can obviously be a source of concern. But I also see it from a forward-looking perspective, not a backward-looking one.

I also feel there are certain things I'd like us to know about each other (what those are I'm not sure yet 😄).

Regardless, if you're the right partner for each other, and you connect in other ways in the end I don't think it matters much either way.

Still, it's interesting just reading through some of the responses though how much it varies.

Thanks so much!

 

i'm probably the other end of most spectrums.  if/when i'm asked, i usually offer way too much information, point them to blog posts, journals, etc., so they can have all the info they want, and therefore nothing can be said that i'm hiding anything.  i like to live on the edge!