Alpacalia Posted March 27, 2022 Posted March 27, 2022 So I was thinking about this. When is it a good time to talk about past relationship history or do you need to bring it up at all?
Wiseman2 Posted March 27, 2022 Posted March 27, 2022 Just now, Alpaca said: .When is it a good time to talk about past relationship history Keep it brief and simple.. Anything you say can and will be held against you. Talking about the past and exes is a red flag. Focus on the person in front of you, not whoever came before. 1 1
Author Alpacalia Posted March 27, 2022 Author Posted March 27, 2022 7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Keep it brief and simple.. Anything you say can and will be held against you. Talking about the past and exes is a red flag. Focus on the person in front of you, not whoever came before. I understand your point. It's not something I would voluntarily disclose but what if he wants to delve deeper?
basil67 Posted March 27, 2022 Posted March 27, 2022 If a person doesn't talk about their past, I wonder what they are hiding. When my hubby has spoken of his exes, it's real. He's honest about what went wrong, but speaks about them with respect. It's part of the equation for me feeling safe with him. 3
Author Alpacalia Posted March 27, 2022 Author Posted March 27, 2022 10 minutes ago, basil67 said: If a person doesn't talk about their past, I wonder what they are hiding. When my hubby has spoken of his exes, it's real. He's honest about what went wrong, but speaks about them with respect. It's part of the equation for me feeling safe with him. I know. I'm not talking about him. I'm talking about me. Like I have no problem disclosing certain things. I just wonder when the right time frame is.
Author Alpacalia Posted March 27, 2022 Author Posted March 27, 2022 I'm just concerned how do you tell someone that you haven't been in a relationship since your engagement ended? That was a few years ago and I've only casually dated because that's all that I've been equipped for emotionally. I'm just trying to figure out how to explain that if/when the moment arises.
Wiseman2 Posted March 27, 2022 Posted March 27, 2022 1 hour ago, Alpaca said: what if he wants to delve deeper? Who? What if a guy on the street asks for your social security number, credit card info and home address? Are you obligated to answer? Who is prying and why? It's too vague. If someone is married before of course that's disclosed. 3
Author Alpacalia Posted March 27, 2022 Author Posted March 27, 2022 19 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Who? What if a guy on the street asks for your social security number, credit card info and home address? Are you obligated to answer? Who is prying and why? It's too vague. If someone is married before of course that's disclosed. Hmm. I see your point. Thank you! 1
chillii Posted March 27, 2022 Posted March 27, 2022 lf a couple are going to be close it's only natural that all kinds of stuff just flows in and out and naturally , whenever it just does. lf it had to be some special talk or at some special time then l'd say they'd obviously just wouldn't have been even clicking anyway. 1
smackie9 Posted March 27, 2022 Posted March 27, 2022 Me if I was single/dating today, personally wouldn't bother with intense details. If they married before and for how long? Sure that's fine, but their issues etc nope don't care, life is too short and it doesn't involve me. I'm all about starting fresh and leaving the past behind. But a background check? Oh yes definitely. 2
Gaeta Posted March 27, 2022 Posted March 27, 2022 (edited) 5 hours ago, Alpaca said: I'm just concerned how do you tell someone that you haven't been in a relationship since your engagement ended? That was a few years ago and I've only casually dated because that's all that I've been equipped for emotionally. I'm just trying to figure out how to explain that if/when the moment arises. Why do you feel you have to volunteer this information? Personally I think what we experience during a breakup, the emotional roller-coasters we go through, that is very personal. If someone I'm dating ask me how my last relationship ended I will say he cheated and nothing else. My trip down to hell and back up belongs to me. I imagine any mature man would understand how difficult it is to rise back from cheating wihtout having to hear it from my mouth. Some people think to be close to someone you have to open up your wounds to them, I don't think so. I don't want to bond with a man by showing him my wounds. I will bond by sharing who I am today, sharing my dreams, hopes, fears, but we're not going to bond over my past wounds. Edited March 27, 2022 by Gaeta 5
Author Alpacalia Posted March 27, 2022 Author Posted March 27, 2022 (edited) Thanks everyone! Seeing both sides. It seemed that the questions I was asked sometimes were more curious than anything else. Like "why did your last relationship end," things of that nature. But I understand that openness, honesty, and a sense of freedom to be yourself are equally important. Edited March 27, 2022 by Alpaca 1
glows Posted March 27, 2022 Posted March 27, 2022 I only get along with open and honest individuals so once a person stops being those two things or I don’t sense it by instinct I move on to other things that I feel are worth my time. I go strongly by instincts as well as what’s appropriate for that level of interaction. 2
Author Alpacalia Posted March 27, 2022 Author Posted March 27, 2022 23 minutes ago, glows said: I only get along with open and honest individuals so once a person stops being those two things or I don’t sense it by instinct I move on to other things that I feel are worth my time. I go strongly by instincts as well as what’s appropriate for that level of interaction. Indeed. There are certain limits that need to be set for who we allow into our lives. If someone couldn't or wouldn't be open about some pretty basic stuff, I would raise an eyebrow. Of course, I do not need to know every single detail, and those details will often emerge organically as time goes on. 2
poppyfields Posted March 27, 2022 Posted March 27, 2022 (edited) I think being honest, open and forthcoming about our history and past is an important part of bonding and developing true emotional intimacy, and getting to know who our partner is today, how they cope and how resilient they are at overcoming adversity and tough times. Our past is a big part of who we are today, it helped to shape us into who we are today. As far as when, I agree with @chillii, theres no "right" time, it varies from couple to couple, and it happens naturally and organically, it's not planned. If there is something in our past we feel ashamed of, like for instance @Alpacayou said you're concerned about not being in a "relationship" for several years, which frankly imo is nothing to feel ashamed or embarrassed about, then trust is very important. Meaning if you don't trust your partner will accept your past and/or you don't feel comfortable sharing, then re-think why you're dating this person. Because the ability to trust that our partners will accept us, our history, our past, our flaws, our shortcomings etc is an essential part of developing emotional intimacy, and if that's important to you, then perhaps that person isn't the right fit for you. That said, it's not something that has to be blurted out all at once, in my relationships things get disclosed slowly and organically during the natural process of getting to know each other. Edited March 27, 2022 by poppyfields 2
BrinnM Posted March 27, 2022 Posted March 27, 2022 18 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Our past is a big part of who we are today, it helped to shape us into who we are today. So true, and if somebody is secretive about it, that’s a red flag for me. Likewise, if I don’t feel comfortable sharing less stellar (painful, embarrassing, problematic) past experiences with a new love, that’s a red flag for myself as well. It means I don’t trust them, and I am reluctant to connect on a deeper level. It’s also true that every couple is different. Some only share very specific details, or none, or only the good memories, and that doesn’t mean their relationship is bad, or lacking, they are just more selective with regards to the info they share about themselves. 3
poppyfields Posted March 27, 2022 Posted March 27, 2022 Just now, BrinnM said: It’s also true that every couple is different. Some only share very specific details, or none, or only the good memories, and that doesn’t mean their relationship is bad, or lacking, they are just more selective with regards to the info they share about themselves Absolutely agree, what's important is that they're on the same page re the sharing of information - past and present. No wrong or right, whatever a couple is comfortable with. Some couples don't want or need that type of emotional intimacy and that's OK.
dramafreezone Posted March 27, 2022 Posted March 27, 2022 (edited) 10 hours ago, Alpaca said: So I was thinking about this. When is it a good time to talk about past relationship history or do you need to bring it up at all? I try to avoid it in general. I don't ask about hers and I don't tell her about mine. It's never been something that I've wanted to know, what happened in her past relationships? That said, it can be revealing to see how she regards her exes (if she voluntarily brings up the subject of exes), is everything their fault or does she recall a good relationship? That can be somewhat predictive of the future, but I don't need to know details. If she brings it up and it's apparent that she wants to talk about her past issues I would support the conversation but still I don't really have much curiosity about the details of her past relationship, and I would only speak in positive terms of my exes. Edited March 27, 2022 by dramafreezone 2 1
Happy Lemming Posted March 27, 2022 Posted March 27, 2022 4 minutes ago, dramafreezone said: I try to avoid it at all costs. I don't ask about hers and I don't tell her about mine. The past is the past and doesn't belong in the present IMO. 100% Agree... My girlfriend did disclose that she was married before and he died in an industrial accident some years after the divorce. Other than that, I don't care about who she previously dated. We've never talked about any exes. I guess we've never seen a reason to discuss the subject. 2 hours ago, Alpaca said: Like "why did your last relationship end," things of that nature. If "V" did ask me about my last relationship and why it ended, I'd probably lie and say "her job transferred her across the country and we didn't want to do the [long distance] thing." In actuality, she dumped for a guy with a bigger wallet. Telling the truth, will just open a big can of worms and you really don't need that at the beginning of a relationship with someone new. Thankfully, "V" has never asked me about the demise of my last relationship (prior to her). 3 1
dramafreezone Posted March 27, 2022 Posted March 27, 2022 8 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: If "V" did ask me about my last relationship and why it ended, I'd probably lie and say "her job transferred her across the country and we didn't want to do the [long distance] thing." In actuality, she dumped for a guy with a bigger wallet. Telling the truth, will just open a big can of worms and you really don't need that at the beginning of a relationship with someone new. Thankfully, "V" has never asked me about the demise of my last relationship (prior to her). I just say "we grew apart" or "we wanted different things" but say I'm appreciative of what we had together. I think it's generally bad form to bad-mouth the ex, even if there's justifiable reason to do so. Like you said, it just opens up a can of worms. 3
poppyfields Posted March 27, 2022 Posted March 27, 2022 (edited) Just to clarify my opinion about this, I wasn't referring to sharing only info regarding our ex's, in fact that's only a small part and certainly not necessary to share all the sorted details, or badmouth anyone, much of it is private between you and your ex and should remain that way. But there is so much more to life and what constitutes our past other than our ex's or past relationships, there is for me and my boyfriends anyway. And sharing that, the adversity we overcame, what it took to get us to who we are today, our current lot in life, is what's important imo. Edit: Apologies to Alpaca, in reading your title again I noticed you specify "relationship history," so my bad for opining outside that scope. Edited March 27, 2022 by poppyfields 1
Weezy1973 Posted March 27, 2022 Posted March 27, 2022 I don't think there are any rules regarding this. Do what feels comfortable for you. When I was younger and insecure I'd want to know all the details because I felt I was competing with a woman's past boyfriends. But as I got older I realized how wrong that is and talking about past relationships wasn't as important. 2
dramafreezone Posted March 27, 2022 Posted March 27, 2022 3 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Just to clarify my opinion about this, I wasn't referring to sharing only info regarding our ex's, in fact that's only a small part and not necessary to share all the sorted details, much of it is private between you and your ex and should remain that way. But there is so much more to life and what constitutes our past other than our ex's or past relationships, there is for me and my boyfriends anyway. And sharing that, the adversity we overcame, what it took to get us to who we are today, our current lot in life, is what's important imo. There are certainly circumstances where discussing elements of a previous relationship fit the moment or the conversation. I think I tend to take things too literally, so in my mind I envisioned the OP's premise as "Ok it's time for us to talk about our exes today" which probably doesn't happen all that often with any relationship. I'm thinking of the subject coming up organically and not in a pre-meditated way, so we're talking about one thing "what are your feelings on ***** in a relationship" and I can recall how I handled it in a past relationship, whether that was well or not well, and I think that's completely appropriate in that context. 1 1
Ami1uwant Posted March 27, 2022 Posted March 27, 2022 11 hours ago, Alpaca said: So I was thinking about this. When is it a good time to talk about past relationship history or do you need to bring it up at all? Two parts…. part 1 brief overview of the highlights/ lowlights. Things you should reveal are marriages, engagements, and live together ones. Not talk if the relationship details and what happened or why it ended. If you are older like 30+ and you don’t have much relationship experience can be a red flag. part 2… after the relationship us established you shoukd have a deeper conversation in what happened in these relationships that could have affected your expectations. This also will display what you want in a relationship. Thus time should be between being a couple to living together/ getting engaged. Events associated to relationships like rape/ sexual assault are a separate conversation. 1
Ami1uwant Posted March 27, 2022 Posted March 27, 2022 1 hour ago, dramafreezone said: I try to avoid it in general. I don't ask about hers and I don't tell her about mine. It's never been something that I've wanted to know, what happened in her past relationships? That said, it can be revealing to see how she regards her exes (if she voluntarily brings up the subject of exes), is everything their fault or does she recall a good relationship? That can be somewhat predictive of the future, but I don't need to know details. If she brings it up and it's apparent that she wants to talk about her past issues I would support the conversation but still I don't really have much curiosity about the details of her past relationship, and I would only speak in positive terms of my exes. this is a big red flag to me if you can’t discuss what happened in past relationships…especially the long term i es. It says to me you didn’t learn anything from thrm and you tend to keep secrets.
Recommended Posts