lee179108 Posted March 24, 2022 Posted March 24, 2022 So this may be long but I'll try to explain properly. So in 2020 me and my ex gf broke up, she was 26 at the time and I was 28 living in my own place and she lived with parents like 40-45 min away... it was the second time we broke up in 2 years. At the time she said she didn't feel the same anymore, felt depressed with lockdown and being off work for so long due to covid, said she had feelings for her friend as he listened to her but nothing ever happened between them and I didn't listen or understand. Time went on and we didnt speak, said she had no feelings for me at all and that I was negative all the time and didnt have my own life... and when looking back on things yeah she may have been right. So a year went by, I reached out and we started talking again, met up and it was friendly, fun, we had sex... then things went silent, she was in the process of buying her first house... she's now 28 and im 30... her grandma died.. so I left her be.. then shortly after Xmas she reaches out to me again asking how I am.. we agreed to meet up.. she then asks if its just as friends as she is seeing someone and understands if I dont want to see her. I said yeah best not if thats the situation... 3 weeks later she messages me saying she saw something on TV that reminded her of my parents, asked if I was ok and told me she wasn't seeing this guy anymore. We talked for a bit.. met up with no intentions and we had a good time, laughed and it was good... one thing led to another and we had sex, it was like the beginning when things were perfect. After that she talks to me a lot more, shows interest and its easy... we talked about how things ended between us, I told her how she hurt me and things I didnt like.. she apologised and understood. She then told me things.. said shes way more mature now since shes bought her own place we talked about taking it slow as I dont wanna get hurt again but she kept mentioning how she doesnt want us to keep talking about the past as it wont allow us to move forward. I agreed but I cant help but worrying in the back of my mind if she would do this again... We met up again and it was great, she is really into me and wants to make it work and is trying... problem I have is my parents hate her due to what happened between us.. another girl showed interest in me who is very mature but lives an hour away. The ex gf I have a lot in common with and we can banter each other... this girl i Been on a few dates with there's the distance issue and she likes to go really slow and I dont know how that will go. Its confusing as I know there's something there with my ex.. but i really dont wanna feel like i did before again.. so i guess my head is all messed right now because if I let her go completely it will feel like a void because we did do a lot together, was good with our families etc..
Happy Lemming Posted March 24, 2022 Posted March 24, 2022 4 minutes ago, lee179108 said: I agreed but I cant help but worrying in the back of my mind if she would do this again... She will breakup with you again. These back and forth relationships never work out. The person views you as disposable, like a toy they can pick up, play with, then cast aside when they are bored or a different shiny new toy comes along. 6 minutes ago, lee179108 said: another girl showed interest in me who is very mature but lives an hour away. An hour drive is acceptable. That has always kind of been my "rule of thumb" for dating... an hour drive. Not too close, not too far. I also like (the fact) that this new woman is "very mature"!! At this point, I think you need some stability in your dating relationships and less drama. 2
Author lee179108 Posted March 24, 2022 Author Posted March 24, 2022 8 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: She will breakup with you again. These back and forth relationships never work out. The person views you as disposable, like a toy they can pick up, play with, then cast aside when they are bored or a different shiny new toy comes along. An hour drive is acceptable. That has always kind of been my "rule of thumb" for dating... an hour drive. Not too close, not too far. I also like (the fact) that this new woman is "very mature"!! At this point, I think you need some stability in your dating relationships and less drama. I agree, I like the maturity plus she is good looking. Her long term goal thought is to move back to where her family are from which is 2 hours away from where I am now.. and even further away from my family.. like 3 hours.. but im used to living away.. she just wants to be closer to her family when she has kids etc.. so im open to it but its something to think about so im not sure how all this will go. An hour is not bad no but with the expensive cost of living and fuel etc its not idea.. we normally see each other once a week, I've been travelling to her more often due to her working late shifts and having plans on a weekend. But she is trying ti put time aside for me and plan stuff.. see how it goes I guess.
Happy Lemming Posted March 24, 2022 Posted March 24, 2022 5 minutes ago, lee179108 said: Her long term goal thought is to move back to where her family are from which is 2 hours away from where I am now.. Cross that bridge when you get to it... People make plans and goals and sometimes they change. 8 minutes ago, lee179108 said: and even further away from my family.. like 3 hours.. In my opinion, (as you age) you may want a little more distance from your family. Not being around the corner from your parents/family is actually a good thing. 9 minutes ago, lee179108 said: An hour is not bad no but with the expensive cost of living and fuel etc its not idea.. I never said dating was inexpensive. You need some money to "splash around" when you date and that includes the cost of fuel to get to and fro. I always made "dating" a line item in my monthly budget. 12 minutes ago, lee179108 said: we normally see each other once a week, This is similar to what I did when I dated someone that was about an hour away. 13 minutes ago, lee179108 said: But she is trying ti put time aside for me and plan stuff.. see how it goes I guess. Exactly, so far... so good. Just keep dating her and enjoying yourself. If dating (this new woman) starts to feel like work or isn't fun anymore, move onto the next person. Plenty of fish in the sea!!
Author lee179108 Posted March 24, 2022 Author Posted March 24, 2022 thank you, it is hard with the costs of everything these days and I worry about that.. but I think I will focus on her yes as shes very mature.
Happy Lemming Posted March 24, 2022 Posted March 24, 2022 1 minute ago, lee179108 said: it is hard with the costs of everything these days and I worry about that.. Yes... I completely understand. Does your/her city have a weekly rag (free newspaper) if so, see if there is a "Things to do" section. Often times they will list low cost or no cost date ideas. Items like art walks, festivals, car shows, things like that... Another trick (I did) was picking a "home style" restaurant to eat at. Most of these home style restaurants or diners don't have a liquor license and can't serve alcohol, which will keep the cost of date down. Many, many years ago, I used to go to this restaurant chain called "Po' Folks", you got an OK meal and the cost was minimal.
glows Posted March 24, 2022 Posted March 24, 2022 Being close to family is useful if you’re planning to have kids for childminding and help caring for children. You’ll have to discuss that with her if you choose to be with your ex. Do you live with your parents? Are you employed? You weren’t doing well earlier and she could say the same of you if you lost motivation and drive two years ago. The problem is you haven’t forgiven or put the past behind you. Starting a relationship or a family with someone you can’t trust is a recipe for disaster. You already have an eye on another woman as an exit plan or back up. What does that tell you about how confident you are or how sound the decision is to get back together. Right now you’re meeting each other for sex and then rehashing the past. She’s ready to move forwards but you aren’t. You aren’t dating if all you’re doing is meeting up for sex and can’t decide on a future together. Why do your parents have such strong emotions or opinion like “hate” towards her? It doesn’t sound like you might have been honest about your flaws when the relationship ended if they’re blaming it all on her or can harbour such resentment. She may have grown up but you haven’t. I don’t say this to be rude but to question your different thoughts and how far apart you both have grown.
Wiseman2 Posted March 24, 2022 Posted March 24, 2022 1 hour ago, lee179108 said: she was in the process of buying her first house... she's now 28 and im 30...... my parents hate her due to what happened between us.. Your parents don't need to be involved in your love life. What do you mean "what happened between us"? On/Off relationships are due to overattachment combined with chronic unresolved conflicts. It may seem like comfy old slippers to hook up with an ex, but you're going in circles, not moving forward.
Author lee179108 Posted March 24, 2022 Author Posted March 24, 2022 2 hours ago, glows said: Being close to family is useful if you’re planning to have kids for childminding and help caring for children. You’ll have to discuss that with her if you choose to be with your ex. Do you live with your parents? Are you employed? You weren’t doing well earlier and she could say the same of you if you lost motivation and drive two years ago. The problem is you haven’t forgiven or put the past behind you. Starting a relationship or a family with someone you can’t trust is a recipe for disaster. You already have an eye on another woman as an exit plan or back up. What does that tell you about how confident you are or how sound the decision is to get back together. Right now you’re meeting each other for sex and then rehashing the past. She’s ready to move forwards but you aren’t. You aren’t dating if all you’re doing is meeting up for sex and can’t decide on a future together. Why do your parents have such strong emotions or opinion like “hate” towards her? It doesn’t sound like you might have been honest about your flaws when the relationship ended if they’re blaming it all on her or can harbour such resentment. She may have grown up but you haven’t. I don’t say this to be rude but to question your different thoughts and how far apart you both have grown. So I have my own house right now an hour away from my parents who are older in age than hers.. I moved here due to work opportunities and better salary etc... she wants to eventually move back to her family because she is very close to them and her sister/nephews and wants to be around that when she has kids... which I can understand... but Ill cross that if it ever comes to it. I work full time yes and at the moment work from home.. I do have plans to go into a different job in future though.. Parents may not hate (maybe that was a strong word from me) but they dislike due to the things she said and did to me... hurt me right before my birthday so obviously my parents are always going to side with me... i did explain my flaws too.. but the way she acted was inappropriate and confusing. 1
glows Posted March 24, 2022 Posted March 24, 2022 Thanks for clarifying. See how it goes then but don’t linger if there’s no trust.
ExpatInItaly Posted March 24, 2022 Posted March 24, 2022 Your parents are right to have serious reservations, because they already know she is going to hurt you again. You're her Fall-back Boy when she doesn't have other options. 1
smackie9 Posted March 25, 2022 Posted March 25, 2022 (edited) The ex with the past history...dealbreaker. New girl slow going and will be moving further away....dealbreaker. IMO you invest with your heart and not your brain. There are plenty of other women out there that can fill your expectations better. I say drop both and keep looking. Edited March 25, 2022 by smackie9
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