deepthinking Posted March 23, 2022 Share Posted March 23, 2022 I lost a couple of friends, they passed on, who I could rely on. A third turnrd out to be a narcissist. So I am lonely. How do you get out of the fog and make new friends without looking desperate? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted March 23, 2022 Share Posted March 23, 2022 I'm so sorry about the loss of your friends who passed on. I tend to let friendships grow over time. When you say "without looking desperate" are you meaning acquaintances or people you've met already whom you'd like to spend more time with? Link to post Share on other sites
Author deepthinking Posted March 23, 2022 Author Share Posted March 23, 2022 (edited) 11 minutes ago, glows said: I'm so sorry about the loss of your friends who passed on. I tend to let friendships grow over time. When you say "without looking desperate" are you meaning acquaintances or people you've met already whom you'd like to spend more time with? They are the same thing. People I know who have not commited to me. Not yet. I know a few people to spend time with in group outings, and some to say hello to, but nothing close. Edited March 23, 2022 by deepthinking 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted March 23, 2022 Share Posted March 23, 2022 25 minutes ago, deepthinking said: How do you get out of the fog and make new friends without looking desperate? Is there anyone with whom you interact through school, work, volunteering, gym, or any other activity that you seem to click with? Link to post Share on other sites
Author deepthinking Posted March 23, 2022 Author Share Posted March 23, 2022 (edited) 7 minutes ago, Alpaca said: Is there anyone with whom you interact through school, work, volunteering, gym, or any other activity that you seem to click with? I have 2 friends who I can rely on. Just meet now and again. I know clicking is about being amenable. Volunteering only got me sp far as organsations tend to use volunteers in lowly ways, so you are never to mean much. I am not in school or work. Old see. Edited March 23, 2022 by deepthinking Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted March 23, 2022 Share Posted March 23, 2022 Having lost close friends, how are you coping? It is hard to lose someone so dear to you. Try to keep yourself in an environment where there are people with similar interests so that you can connect with them. Are there any old acquaintances with whom you could rekindle a relationship? Considering it is never too late to begin a new life-long journey (such as taking a class in art, enrolling in a local college for adult education classes, etc.). 3 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted March 23, 2022 Share Posted March 23, 2022 I usually don't lean on anyone. What do you mean by lean? Is this emotional support? If so you may be jumping too far ahead. And also rely on them for what exactly? I'm tentative about opening up about any emotional problems with my friends whom I've known for decades. Look for therapy or seek help through support groups for this, get in touch with qualified help and referrals. Invite these people to go out and do things with you. Enjoy the day together. Link to post Share on other sites
dramafreezone Posted March 23, 2022 Share Posted March 23, 2022 1 hour ago, deepthinking said: I lost a couple of friends, they passed on, who I could rely on. A third turnrd out to be a narcissist. So I am lonely. How do you get out of the fog and make new friends without looking desperate? I think most of us are looking for good friends. It's something you can't have enough of, so do your best to purge your mind of this type of thinking. Looking for friends is only desperate when you're wanting to befriend people you know are not good fits for you just so that you can have someone to call a friend. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
flitzanu Posted March 23, 2022 Share Posted March 23, 2022 1 hour ago, deepthinking said: They are the same thing. People I know who have not commited to me. Not yet. I know a few people to spend time with in group outings, and some to say hello to, but nothing close. i don't understand what this means and what you are looking for. friends don't "commit" to each other, you just be friends. if you're trying to force a "friend" to be your personal therapist, that's not what friendship is intended to be. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author deepthinking Posted March 23, 2022 Author Share Posted March 23, 2022 (edited) 21 minutes ago, flitzanu said: i don't understand what this means and what you are looking for. friends don't "commit" to each other, you just be friends. if you're trying to force a "friend" to be your personal therapist, that's not what friendship is intended to be. No. No therapy. Bur I do draw the distinction between acquaintances {who you see around casually. no phoning or meetings} and friends who are to be relied on with phone calls and planned get togethers, which is where committment and reliiability occur. My concern was how to turn acquaintances into friends. Edited March 23, 2022 by deepthinking Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 23, 2022 Share Posted March 23, 2022 (edited) 2 hours ago, deepthinking said: So I am lonely. How do you get out of the fog and make new friends without looking desperate? Apps, MeetUps, people with whom you share common interests, hiking, book or other interest/hobby clubs, pick-up sports games, volunteering, hanging out together after work. Why worry about "looking desperate"? Just showing up to something for some fun with socialization isn't "desperate". Also, the difficulty many adults past their 30's have making friends is well-recognized and so "they" may be as interested as you... Edited March 23, 2022 by mark clemson 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author deepthinking Posted March 23, 2022 Author Share Posted March 23, 2022 15 minutes ago, mark clemson said: Apps, MeetUps, people with whom you share common interests, hiking, book or other interest/hobby clubs, pick-up sports games, volunteering, hanging out together after work. Why worry about "looking desperate"? Just showing up to something for some fun with socialization isn't "desperate". Also, the difficulty many adults past their 30's have making friends is well-recognized and so "they" may be as interested as you... Yes, Meet up. I had forgitten, Thanks. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted March 23, 2022 Share Posted March 23, 2022 Lose the fear of looking desperate. That's way overblown. It's fine to show interest in other people. Confident people do that all the time. And you can invite other people out if you like them. Again, confident people don't even ask "will this seem desperate?" That's some bad meme that caught on that misunderstands relationships. There is no shame in taking the initiative to get closer to someone. No shame even if the other person doesn't respond to your interest. And at some point in the process of building a friendship, one of the people has to take initiative without knowing the other will reciprocate. Follow your bliss. Anyone you really enjoy talking to, just keep talking ... stretch out the talking ... building on the talking from time to time ... at some point you say you'd love to hang out. It's a gradual thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted March 24, 2022 Share Posted March 24, 2022 8 hours ago, deepthinking said: Yes, Meet up. I had forgitten, Thanks. Yes, you can also join Bumble. There is an option for friends. Maybe try that too! Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted March 31, 2022 Share Posted March 31, 2022 I have lost friends over the years, be they through death or their shunning me or just simply loosing contact. I was saying to someone I don't think others really care about long term relationships anymore, be it friendship, love, marriage, even in a parent/child relationship anymore. Why? I'm not sure. I bumped into the mom of a gal I went to high school with (her daughter was two or three years ahead of me) and she asked if I ever talk to anyone I went to high school with. I said "Never. The day after high school was over I never heard a word from any of them ever again. I will bump into some in a public place once in a while." She rolled her eyes, clearly her daughter had had the same experience. I have just accepted these facts about others: 1) Fast paced - Life is very fast paced nowadays. We didn't have a word for this until just recently, which is "cancel culture". That has more to do than things like fat shamming, expelling others from a friend group, internet dating, etc. It has to do with the fact that others do not care about long term relationships. Surely this has happened to at least one person reading this in the past : When certain periods of your life come to an end (leave / graduate from schools, leave jobs, moving, leaving projects/organizations, breaking up with someone, etc.), so do your relationships with those you met around those things. For example, I left a theater company which I was on the board of for 9 years, I never see any of them if it wasn't for Facebook. 2) Nostalgia - We have let nostalgia get in the way of a lot of things. I had fall outs with two childhood friends because they turned out to be two of the biggest users I had ever known. But I was remembering who they were to me when we were little kids. Today? I don't know what they're doing today, of if they feel any guilt or bad feelings over what went down. It hurt, but life is better without them. You outgrow people and things, and you move on. 3) Unknowing / Loneliness - The loneliness is at an all time high now. I don't have many friends anymore. Why? They're not interested in me and they don't even bother to respond. Not just to me, but to others as well. It's not just you, I promise you. You have to be happy with yourself, because you really have nothing but you in the end. I don't know how to meet others anymore. As in how to have good relationships with them. Truth be told, there are not a lot of good people in the world who can and do care for one another and will be there through thick and thin. It's a sad day if and when you realize someone who you thought was your friend was / is actually not. But, that's life unfortunately. 4) Being alone - Just be happy by yourself. Some people want someone in their lives to such a point that they can and will do anything to be with someone (pay the bills, support the other, etc.) even though the other ends up taking advantage of them. If and when you encounter someone like that, RUN. But that's another story. Be happy by yourself - you can and will do whatever you want, when you want, and always be happy in that you don't have to compromise. I am my own social director, if I want to stay home I stay home, if I want to go out I go out, etc. Life is complicated, to be sure. Keep moving forward ... 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted April 1, 2022 Share Posted April 1, 2022 If you are looking for whatever MEANS in which to make friends / meet people? I have no idea. Google it and you'll get the same results as I or someone else may tell you to do : MeetUps, internet, community, volunteering, etc. The point is to get up and DO something with yourself. But even when you do that, it's limp at best. You're just physically putting yourself somewhere, that doesn't mean you will become friendly with anyone automatically. I had two internet dates in the past (as in years ago) with two guys who attended the same university as me. I sent them texts the next day and the day after saying "I had a nice time last night, thank you". Never heard a word from them again. It's what it is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts