Otter2569 Posted March 23, 2022 Posted March 23, 2022 (edited) I could use advise on how to end things with a woman I have been dating: Weve dated 6 or so times and slept together twice but she has gotten really clingy, has expressed intense feelings for me and wants a relationship - to the point of it feeling like an ultimatum. She is very nice and very sexy. She is also several years younger, lives with her daughter and has a 10 year old son so we only get together once a week for a few hours. My kids are out of the house so I can come and go as I please. Lately however it feels like she is using a relationship as an ultimatum for sex which is a real turnoff. Bottom line: I do not feel the same and am uncomfortable with the push for a relationship. Edited March 23, 2022 by Otter2569 2
Happy Lemming Posted March 23, 2022 Posted March 23, 2022 9 minutes ago, Otter2569 said: I could use advise on how to end things with a woman I have been dating: (1) You could do the "slow fade" where you aren't as available as you have been, then you see her less and less. The relationship eventually fizzles out. (2) You could just tell her straight up that you are not happy with the relationship and you no longer wish to see her. (3) I don't like the whole "ghosting" thing, but it is an option. I mean 6 dates isn't a lot. When I wanted out of a relationship, I did things to make the woman want to dump me -- that way it was her idea (to end it). I've found this seems to be important to women to be the dumper, not the dumpee. Some of my tactics... be late for dates, real cheap dates, just don't put in any effort or try to hard, etc. Then she'll start complaining to her girlfriends about you, they'll convince her to dump you and you're out. 2 2 1
Maldives Posted March 23, 2022 Posted March 23, 2022 13 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: (1) You could do the "slow fade" where you aren't as available as you have been, then you see her less and less. The relationship eventually fizzles out. (2) You could just tell her straight up that you are not happy with the relationship and you no longer wish to see her. (3) I don't like the whole "ghosting" thing, but it is an option. I mean 6 dates isn't a lot. When I wanted out of a relationship, I did things to make the woman want to dump me -- that way it was her idea (to end it). I've found this seems to be important to women to be the dumper, not the dumpee. Some of my tactics... be late for dates, real cheap dates, just don't put in any effort or try to hard, etc. Then she'll start complaining to her girlfriends about you, they'll convince her to dump you and you're out.
BrinnM Posted March 23, 2022 Posted March 23, 2022 44 minutes ago, Otter2569 said: I do not feel the same and am uncomfortable with the push for a relationship. What would a “real relationship” even look like, if she has limited time and can’t come and go as she pleases, due to her family obligations? You still wouldn’t live together, because she has a 10-yo. And you wouldn’t see her more. So not much would change, it seems, other than the label, because I’m assuming she wouldn’t introduce you to her kid(s) after only 6 dates. Or what does “pushing for a relationship” mean? She wants to be exclusive? …. obviously, if you feel differently and unenthusiastic about her, then yes, you should tell her that and break up. Tell her you don’t feel the same about her. Or you could try for sex, provided you still want it with her, and if she pushes back, tell her that you feel like she’s using sex as leverage for exclusivity. That would be honest. Or do what lemming suggested, even though that’s kind of immature and sneaky. But I get where he’s coming from. Sometimes people just don’t want to bother, and 6 dates is really negligible. I just don’t get her “demand” in general. Your lifestyles aren’t compatible, and she’s raising an elementary schooler, so a looser connection with less commitment would be more suitable, until you date for at least a year. That’s what I am thinking anyway. There’s nothing wrong with getting together once or week or twice a month if you have many other obligations. Or maybe she really likes you a lot. Or maybe she’s worried about STDs, if you multi-date. Which would be understandable. I’m just trying to understand where she’s coming from. 1
mark clemson Posted March 23, 2022 Posted March 23, 2022 She has allowed the relationship to advance (to sex). She is now communicating what she wants (a more in-depth or committed relationship). You are not interested in allowing the relationship to advance to that stage it seems, at least not within anything approaching her preferred timeframe. So it would seem your interests/desires for the relationship are incompatible - you want a more casual one, she a more intense one. The mature thing to do now that you've recognized this IMO is have a civil breakup discussion, possibly by phone. As we all know, those don't always go well - hopefully she can handle it with aplomb, but certainly there's no guarantee, unfortunately. Other possible options have been suggested above. Pick your poison... 5
Happy Lemming Posted March 23, 2022 Posted March 23, 2022 7 minutes ago, BrinnM said: Or do what lemming suggested, even though that’s kind of immature and sneaky. I've had my car "keyed" enough times, that I'm willing to stoop to "kind of immature and sneaky". 1
BrinnM Posted March 23, 2022 Posted March 23, 2022 Just now, Happy Lemming said: I've had my car "keyed" enough times, that I'm willing to stoop to "kind of immature and sneaky". OMG - wow! That’ll do it, yes. I don’t blame you if you changed your strategy after an experience like that. 1
Alpacalia Posted March 23, 2022 Posted March 23, 2022 "Sorry. You're great, but this just isn't working for me." 9
Ami1uwant Posted March 23, 2022 Posted March 23, 2022 1 hour ago, Otter2569 said: I could use advise on how to end things with a woman I have been dating: Weve dated 6 or so times and slept together twice but she has gotten really clingy, has expressed intense feelings for me and wants a relationship - to the point of it feeling like an ultimatum. She is very nice and very sexy. She is also several years younger, lives with her daughter and has a 10 year old son so we only get together once a week for a few hours. My kids are out of the house so I can come and go as I please. Lately however it feels like she is using a relationship as an ultimatum for sex which is a real turnoff. Bottom line: I do not feel the same and am uncomfortable with the push for a relationship. youare welcome to break up with her however you want. Slow fade, poof, or just tell her it’s over. my questions to you are (1) why did you even bother dating her knowing she has a young child? (2) it sounds like you wante a booty callwhile dhe wants a relationship which us a fair question. Asking to be a couple is not clingy. 2 1
glows Posted March 23, 2022 Posted March 23, 2022 (edited) 6 hours ago, Otter2569 said: has expressed intense feelings for me and wants a relationship - to the point of it feeling like an ultimatum. End it respectfully and clearly tell her that you don’t feel the same way and it’s best you don’t keep seeing each other. This is essentially dumping someone with no relationship. Her intense feelings are way beyond what you can reciprocate so be mindful and respectful of that. The slow fade really doesn’t take into account another person’s measure of feelings and seems to disregard any expectations a person has of you and it discredits any intimacy you might have shared - overall, disrespectful. Be upfront and end it. Edited March 23, 2022 by glows 7
Wiseman2 Posted March 23, 2022 Posted March 23, 2022 (edited) Is this the "weird sex" broncriding menopausal lady? Edited March 23, 2022 by Wiseman2
ExpatInItaly Posted March 23, 2022 Posted March 23, 2022 Be mature about it and tell her kindly but directly that you don't feel the same way and should part ways here. Doing a slow fade is likely to make things worse and ultimately messier than they need to be. 5
Author Otter2569 Posted March 23, 2022 Author Posted March 23, 2022 8 hours ago, Happy Lemming said: (1) You could do the "slow fade" where you aren't as available as you have been, then you see her less and less. The relationship eventually fizzles out. (2) You could just tell her straight up that you are not happy with the relationship and you no longer wish to see her. (3) I don't like the whole "ghosting" thing, but it is an option. I mean 6 dates isn't a lot. #1 is my go to move unless it's really bad. I think she is catching this already since I don't text as much and get quiet / do not embrace her exclusive relationship requests.
Author Otter2569 Posted March 23, 2022 Author Posted March 23, 2022 8 hours ago, BrinnM said: What would a “real relationship” even look like, if she has limited time and can’t come and go as she pleases, due to her family obligations? You still wouldn’t live together, because she has a 10-yo. And you wouldn’t see her more. So not much would change, it seems, other than the label, because I’m assuming she wouldn’t introduce you to her kid(s) after only 6 dates. Or what does “pushing for a relationship” mean? She wants to be exclusive? Our lifestyles are very different. She struggles to find someone to watch her child each week so that we can get together and even then she has some sort of time limit where I come and go with ease. she has offered to bring her child over which is a hard NO with me. She seems to be heavily emotionally invested after 6 dates.
Author Otter2569 Posted March 23, 2022 Author Posted March 23, 2022 2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Is this the "weird sex" broncriding menopausal lady? No. She is awesome and that is going very well. I met them both at about the exact same point in time.
Weezy1973 Posted March 23, 2022 Posted March 23, 2022 8 hours ago, Alpaca said: "Sorry. You're great, but this just isn't working for me." Simple yet effective. 1
Wiseman2 Posted March 23, 2022 Posted March 23, 2022 2 minutes ago, Otter2569 said: Our lifestyles are very different. She struggles to find someone to watch her child each week so that we can get together and even then she has some sort of time limit where I come and go with ease. she has offered to bring her child over which is a hard NO with me. She seems to be heavily emotionally invested after 6 dates. Just be honest and tell her you're not a match it's not working out. The slow fade is ineffective, cowardly and stalls everyone out. Just make a clean break. Be kind, diplomatic and simple. If you slow fade (string someone along) you'll probably increase your chances of a bad outcome. Maybe not crazies keying your car, but feeling like a heel. 5
Els Posted March 23, 2022 Posted March 23, 2022 11 hours ago, Otter2569 said: Lately however it feels like she is using a relationship as an ultimatum for sex which is a real turnoff. I don't see how this is "using it as an ultimatum"? People are allowed to decline sex if they don't feel comfortable with the circumstances or they just plain don't enjoy sex outside of a relationship, it doesn't mean she's trying to manipulate you. She has the right to not want to have repeated sex sessions with a man who doesn't want a relationship with her, just as much as you have the right to not want to be in a relationship with her. You're both incompatible, so just call her and tell her you don't think this is working and wish her well. For the love of god do NOT do a "slow fade", that would be incredibly immature. 10
Happy Lemming Posted March 23, 2022 Posted March 23, 2022 1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said: Maybe not crazies keying your car, but feeling like a heel. The problem is you don't know if the woman you are dating is one of these "crazies keying your car" or not. Just ask Travis Alexander... oh you can't Jodi Arias shot and stabbed him to death. 2 hours ago, Otter2569 said: She seems to be heavily emotionally invested after 6 dates. The fact that this woman is "heavily emotionally invested" after a mere 6 dates, (to me) means she is leaning towards that realm of one of those "crazies keying your car" or worse. 2 hours ago, Otter2569 said: #1 is my go to move unless it's really bad. Yes... try the "slow fade", but if things start to go south. then you are going to have to come up with a plan to make it her idea to dump you. 1
Weezy1973 Posted March 23, 2022 Posted March 23, 2022 14 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: Just ask Travis Alexander... oh you can't Jodi Arias shot and stabbed him to death. They were in a relationship for over a year. This is six dates and they’re not even exclusive. OP, just a simple break up over the phone covers this. It doesn’t have to be long. She’s not going to murder you. 5
Happy Lemming Posted March 23, 2022 Posted March 23, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said: They were in a relationship for over a year. This is six dates and they’re not even exclusive. The length of time (the couple has dated) doesn't matter to the "crazies"... It is how their minds interpret the relationship. And trust me... I know, I've dated quite a few "crazies". There is no rhyme or reason to their thinking. Edited March 23, 2022 by Happy Lemming
Happy Lemming Posted March 23, 2022 Posted March 23, 2022 1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said: She’s not going to murder you. How do you know?? Some of the most educated and professional women I've dated, have turned out to be "crazies". One had a PHD and worked for the federal government, that lady was SCARY!! 1 1 1
Kamille Posted March 23, 2022 Posted March 23, 2022 "A mere six dates" is... six dates. That's usually exactly the moment when the conversation about exclusivity will happen, precisely because moving beyond is significant for those looking for a relationship. She is. You're not, or at least not with her. I'm not sure why anyone is promoting an approach based on fear of how she'll react. If you're going to date, and date multiple people, please learn to reject people gracefully. We're all grown ups and most likely she will handle it well. If not, well then block her. But first, treat her like a mature grown ass woman who deserves to be treated with respect: be honest with her. 10
Wiseman2 Posted March 23, 2022 Posted March 23, 2022 14 hours ago, Otter2569 said: Weve dated 6 or so times and slept together twice but she has gotten really clingy, has expressed intense feelings for me and wants a relationship - to the point of it feeling like an ultimatum. Lately however it feels like she is using a relationship as an ultimatum for sex which is a real turnoff. Ok then end it diplomatically. She is dating, you had sex so perhaps wants to be exclusive and you do not. So stop having sex, level with her and game over. 2
dramafreezone Posted March 23, 2022 Posted March 23, 2022 (edited) 16 hours ago, Otter2569 said: Lately however it feels like she is using a relationship as an ultimatum for sex which is a real turnoff. Well that's very manipulative as well. Sex is not a bargaining chip or something to barter to get what you want. It's supposed to be a mutually enjoyable bonding moment. This is a major red flag. I think people that bargain with sex do so because they have little to offer outside of that. The way *I* interpret that is she's only doing it to get what she wanted, and she's not getting exactly what she wanted so she's pulling it back. If she's doing that now she'd do it later after you're married, or she may just decide not to have sex at all. "It seems like we want different things, so probably best to end it now. I wish you the best," some version of that. Edited March 23, 2022 by dramafreezone 2
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