Lovesick2112 Posted March 22, 2022 Posted March 22, 2022 (edited) I've been in a relationship for about a year now, and I find it difficult telling her how I feel about things. The minute I do, she gets defensive and coils and strikes. She says things like... "why is it always my fault?" And, "What about how I feel". So basically I've just shut down, just to keep the peace. However lately I've noticed... I'm kind of getting walked on here. Because I never express how I feel, she just kind of does what she wants. Meanwhile I'm watching myself so I don't make her upset. I'm a great listener, I always have been. So I do listen to her complaints, and try to accommodate. So of course I want to talk to her... but I already know... "why is it always my fault". Yep... I know how this works. Any advise dealing with this? Edited May 17, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator update title/post merge
glows Posted March 22, 2022 Posted March 22, 2022 Some context would be helpful. What are some issues or examples of disagreements and how do you usually bring these up? Constant complaining and fault-finding are intolerable over time so pick your battles carefully.
Happy Lemming Posted March 22, 2022 Posted March 22, 2022 1 hour ago, Lovesick2112 said: Any advise dealing with this? When a dating relationship stops being fun, you get out. You state its been a year -- it's not like you've been married to this woman for 25 years and have 3 kids. You've invested about 1 year of your life with this woman, her true colors are showing and you are no longer happy. Brother, it is time to move on. Some relationships last 3 months, some 6 months and some a year or two, then they come to a natural end. Your relationship (with this woman) has reached its end... The relationship ran its course and now it is done -- done! Life is too short not to be happy --- NEXT!! 2
chillii Posted March 22, 2022 Posted March 22, 2022 She's got you all stitched up l'm afraid and knows it. Tbh , pretty hard to communicate your way out of that sort of thing with someone like that.
Wiseman2 Posted March 22, 2022 Posted March 22, 2022 7 hours ago, Lovesick2112 said: I find it difficult telling her how I feel about things. The minute I do, she gets defensive and coils and strikes. She says things like... "why is it always my fault?" And, "What about how I feel" Sorry this is happening. What are the arguments and confrontations about? In any relationship it's important not to bring up problems when tired, drinking or over text. You seem incompatible and dating a year with this much turmoil is a sign that you may want to set each other free. Is this the same woman?:
Author Lovesick2112 Posted April 16, 2022 Author Posted April 16, 2022 This is one thing I swear I'll never understand in my life. Everything is great, I love you's said over and over again... a week later they pull away, making excuses not to see you. No longer say I love you after text, it's though suddenly they died, they no longer care and for no good reason, and they "can't" explain. It's hard, you look over at the other side of the bed and they are gone. Why? Who knows. Sadly in my case no one said it was over... but I can tell. It's dead... and I'm alone.
glows Posted April 16, 2022 Posted April 16, 2022 Is it the same woman you’ve been dating for a year and posted about in your previous threads?
poppyfields Posted April 16, 2022 Posted April 16, 2022 29 minutes ago, Lovesick2112 said: Everything is great, I love you's said over and over again... a week later they pull away, My guess is it's been over for her for awhile, much longer than one week. It's a slow and gradual process for the dumper, in most cases. Her "I love you's" a week ago were most likely disingenuous, her going through the motions before finding the courage to pull away and eventually leave for good. I'm really sorry, breaks ups suck, but new beginnings (with someone new) are exciting so focus on that if you can. Time heals. 2
dramafreezone Posted April 16, 2022 Posted April 16, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, Lovesick2112 said: This is one thing I swear I'll never understand in my life. Everything is great, I love you's said over and over again... a week later they pull away, making excuses not to see you. No longer say I love you after text, it's though suddenly they died, they no longer care and for no good reason, and they "can't" explain. It's hard, you look over at the other side of the bed and they are gone. Why? Who knows. Sadly in my case no one said it was over... but I can tell. It's dead... and I'm alone. Because being in love (or infatuation) is not a permanent state of being. It fluctuates. No one feels on cloud 9 about another person all the time, it goes up and down and sometimes it doesn't come back. That type of feeling is not meant to be sustained forever, it's meant to be replaced at some point with mutual respect and admiration for that person. Without that extra substance, all relationships are destined to fizzle out. There's a difference between sizzle and steak. Being in love is the sizzle but respect/admiration for that person is the steak. I'm sorry you're going through a break-up apparently. There's not always some deliberate attempt to pull one over on you or to manipulate you when someone says I love you one week and then pulls away the next. When they say they love you, that means in THAT MOMENT that's what they feel, it doesn't apply to all moments in the future. What I will also say is that having exactly what you want changes how you feel about it. This is why being unavailable or playing "hard to get" has some merit in keeping interest from the other person, it's because there is always some element of not quite having this person 100% to yourself, and there's risk of losing them, however small. Unfortunately what I've learned is that when you give a woman certainty, that kills the attraction. It's because when in that person's mind there is zero risk of losing you, some people don't whatever that is anymore. It's just human nature, but not just in love, in business too. You tell your job that you are never going anywhere and you'll work there forever no matter what, you think you'll ever get raises commensurate with your teunure? Why would they, they have no incentive to treat you right because you're not going anywhere. The reason why relationships built on core qualities last longer is that there is an extra element of this other person having a quality that you admire and desire. This is why opposites attract, this other person has a quality that you may never have for yourself but you find extremely valuable in your life, so you have to keep them in your life to provide it. Again, translates to business, you have a unique skill that is in demand, they will trip over themselves to keep you with the company. Edited April 16, 2022 by dramafreezone
Lotsgoingon Posted April 16, 2022 Posted April 16, 2022 Infatuation flips like that. A more mature love doesn't flip off quickly. Your job in relationship is to know the difference. And notice when someone is saying "love" way too soon or saying love when you don't feel like you're at that point yet. On the decline of a more mature love, that happens over time. It's just that we sometimes don't notice it. Or you could be dating flakey people. Just to be clear, what you're describing isn't some universal problem. You're either falling into infatuation and mistaking that for real love. Or you're missing key signs that the relationship is deteriorating.
Wiseman2 Posted April 16, 2022 Posted April 16, 2022 2 hours ago, Lovesick2112 said: I love you's said over and over again... a week later they pull away, making excuses not to see you. No longer say I love you after text, it's though suddenly they died, they no longer care and for no good reason, and they "can't" explain. It's hard, you look over at the other side of the bed and they are gone. Is this someone you just started seeing? Or is this the same woman?:
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 17, 2022 Posted April 17, 2022 There were likely signs and if you are naturally intuitive you would have picked them up. You can't just take what people say at face value. Checking out of a relationship is a process. I was personally never surprised by a relationship ending. One of my longest relationship, the morning before the break up we were saying "I love yous" and watching sunrise. We were also saying ILY every day leading up to it. But the relationship still ended and I wasn't surprised because I sensed him checking out and fading away in spirit in the last few months. Outwardly, he still went through the motions of a loving boyfriend and even possibility of the break up was never mentioned. I was so sure I could sense the ending coming though, that I booked a trip alone 2 months in the future. If you don't like surprises, try to learn to read people better. 1
Weezy1973 Posted April 17, 2022 Posted April 17, 2022 It's pretty much never sudden for the person doing the breaking up. And if it is sudden, either something really egregious happened (say cheating for example), or the person doing the breaking up has some psychological issues. But the majority of the time, the person doing the breakup has been thinking about it for awhile. Going mentally through pros and cons, and often putting off the break up even if they know it's over, because they don't want to deal with the fallout. But eventually it just needs to be done. But for the person being broken up with, it certainly can feel sudden. 1
Ami1uwant Posted April 17, 2022 Posted April 17, 2022 On 4/16/2022 at 12:00 PM, Lovesick2112 said: This is one thing I swear I'll never understand in my life. Everything is great, I love you's said over and over again... a week later they pull away, making excuses not to see you. No longer say I love you after text, it's though suddenly they died, they no longer care and for no good reason, and they "can't" explain. It's hard, you look over at the other side of the bed and they are gone. Why? Who knows. Sadly in my case no one said it was over... but I can tell. It's dead... and I'm alone. Things happen. The key here is what happened.
BrinnM Posted April 17, 2022 Posted April 17, 2022 Happens all the time. Very few ppl are genuine. Not only in romantic relationships, but in general. But it hurts the most when a life partner/spouse/bf/gf does it to us. I was told “we should get married” count-less-times, including all the fantasizing about where and how to get married, and where and how long to honeymoon, up until the very end of the relationship, actually. While the R itself was far from perfect, it was a very long-term relationship that I took seriously, and the cheating & the breakup came like a tsunami. Overwhelming and unexpected. I am sorry you are going through this, @Lovesick2112. It hurts. On 4/16/2022 at 12:00 PM, Lovesick2112 said: Everything is great, This sentiment was only yours. Apparently, she felt differently.
Alvi Posted April 18, 2022 Posted April 18, 2022 Quite often word LOVE is meaningless. It gets thrown around a lot, but how many times people actually mean it when they say that they are in love? If you've been married for 30-40 years and seen each other at the very best and at the very worst, weathered many crises together and still want to be together, then it is love. But if you've been dating for a very short time, is it love or is it simply limerence or infatuation? You might not know till it is too late. Sorry you are hurting but seriously, being a GF or a BF means nothing. This is a lowest level of commitment on a commitment pyramid. Only marriage means something and needs to be taken seriously. Just dating, moving in together playing a house and getting engaged is nothing at all. It doesn't provide you any security and he or she might walk out on you at any time. You might think differently, but it is how it is. Today the two of you are are in love but tomorrow, poof, she might be done. Unless you asked her to marry you, she is free to do what she wants to do (and yo as well). 1
smackie9 Posted April 18, 2022 Posted April 18, 2022 It's not love it's infatuation/limerence. In love with moment, and poof it's gone. Been there done that. 2
basil67 Posted April 19, 2022 Posted April 19, 2022 If you look back at your previous thread, everything was far from great. Neither of you were happy. These are all warning signs that a breakup is on the cards.
Author Lovesick2112 Posted May 4, 2022 Author Posted May 4, 2022 Not sure what to do here. My girlfriend wanted space (she is dealing with some issues)... I haven't seen her in about 4 weeks. We've loosely been in contact and made plans last weekend but she was sick SHE ask to go out a different night and I said sure. Thing is... even though this was her idea she seems so distant. She no longer says she loves me yet she says things are OK between us and we're still together. I ask to meet at my place, she said no. We should "meet up" someplace before dinner. I'm kind of confused as to what to expect here? Whoever wins this, gets a good star ️
mtnbiker3000 Posted May 4, 2022 Posted May 4, 2022 4 weeks of "space" is a deal breaker for me. And my ex was displaying the same behavior regarding lack of intimacy and wouldn't say she loved me. I pulled the plug. Not going to cling or beg. She wants out? She gets it! Sounds like your girl is done with the RS! Question is, what are you going to do? 1
Wiseman2 Posted May 4, 2022 Posted May 4, 2022 6 hours ago, Lovesick2112 said: Whoever wins this, gets a good star ️ It doesn't seem like either of you will win this or get a star. On/off relationships are fraught with unresolved conflicts and incompatibilities combined with unhealthy attachments and lack of other opportunities. Why drag this out? Is this the same woman?:
stillafool Posted May 4, 2022 Posted May 4, 2022 Stop bendiing over backwards for her. Ask her what is the meet about?
flitzanu Posted May 4, 2022 Posted May 4, 2022 "i need space" = "i'm dumping you but want to keep you around in case i need something, but not going to have sex with you or act like we are in a relationship" 2
glows Posted May 4, 2022 Posted May 4, 2022 Not sure if she has a drinking problem. If she has issues with addiction/s you may want to step back. You're not ever with that person as the addictions take over. If you tend to go for people with addictions or other issues with self-control or relationships that lack transparency, it's something to think about. 1
Author Lovesick2112 Posted May 17, 2022 Author Posted May 17, 2022 Well... I started seeing my girlfriend again after a 2 week break, and well that was short lived. I saw her a couple times during the week so I thought it would be safe to ask if I could see her 1 day over the weekend and she said no. I let it go, but the next day I ask her why she said no in a text message. That was it. Shes gone. She always hated confrontation of any kind. I kind of knew I was pushing buttons, but I'm sick of walking on egg shells. I figured she could handle one question. I guess not. Maybe she was just looking for a way out and I gave it to her? IDK? Then I run into her sister, I guess they talked. She never told her we broke up, but her sister did suggest that I find a way to just let it go. Then she tells me... But you can be friend's right? I go NOOOO! Shes goes.... Well you're old enough to figure out how that can work! I go.... NOO! Are you people heartless? I need time to heal... and If I'm her friend I'll never let go, and it will be mare painful in the end. She wants me to still be there for her and "keep that door open" .She got kind of mad at me and thought I was being immature. Am I? Maybe I am being immature? But we all heal in different ways you know? Now I feel like I need space.
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