Alpacalia Posted March 22, 2022 Posted March 22, 2022 (edited) 17 minutes ago, LoveComplexity said: Hmmm, interesting point... Having a varied and well-rounded lifestyle is important. I agree with that. Whether she's home or away. It begs the question why you did not do things for yourself that you enjoy during her absence? Would you consider yourself naturally apathetic? Or is it just that way in relation to her? Edited March 22, 2022 by Alpaca
Lotsgoingon Posted March 22, 2022 Posted March 22, 2022 Just to bring the blunt bad news: your gf's statement about things not being the same ... sounds like a breakup statement. It's one of those vague statements a person makes to a partner when they are afraid to just immediately dump you. Just be warmed. The person in your position often goes on a wild interrogation process to figure out how to repair things. And often, the other person has already decided that things cannot be repaired. Great advice here to get into your own life. 1
dramafreezone Posted March 22, 2022 Posted March 22, 2022 1 hour ago, Alpaca said: How does introducing more distance when there is already distance strengthen your connection though? Well I don't think of distance as the amount of time you spend with someone, but the quality of time. Filling his life up with purpose and activities outside of her (ideally) makes the time that they spend together more valuable. 1 hour ago, LoveComplexity said: The thing is, what to do about it to fix it, thats the question. You can only go back to being the person that you were when she met you, probably more fun, willing to go out, do new things. We tend to get lazy with that stuff 2 years into the relationship. Make the quality of time that you spend together better. Spending more time together isn't the key IMO. If she's not willing to participate, then nothing you can do but let her go if she's dead set on leaving.
Author LoveComplexity Posted March 22, 2022 Author Posted March 22, 2022 Just now, dramafreezone said: You can only go back to being the person that you were when she met you, probably more fun, willing to go out, do new things. We tend to get lazy with that stuff 2 years into the relationship. Make the quality of time that you spend together better. Spending more time together isn't the key IMO. If she's not willing to participate, then nothing you can do but let her go if she's dead set on leaving. That reminds me, she did mention something in this sense aswell, that she feels like im not quite the same person anymore as back then.
Author LoveComplexity Posted March 22, 2022 Author Posted March 22, 2022 1 hour ago, Alpaca said: Having a varied and well-rounded lifestyle is important. I agree with that. Whether she's home or away. It begs the question why you did not do things for yourself that you enjoy during her absence? Would you consider yourself naturally apathetic? Or is it just that way in relation to her? Sometimes, it depends, sometimes im more aphatetic, sometimes not, it depends on the time of year how im feeling etc.. 1
glows Posted March 22, 2022 Posted March 22, 2022 Just now, LoveComplexity said: Sometimes, it depends, sometimes im more aphatetic, sometimes not, it depends on the time of year how im feeling etc.. I asked earlier if you have a history of depression? Have you seen your doctor about general malaise?
Author LoveComplexity Posted March 22, 2022 Author Posted March 22, 2022 1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said: She has to want to meet you halfway, OP. Fixing this wouldn't be a big mystery if you were both invested. She would be as keen as you to maybe plan more dates, try some new activities, and so on. You wouldn't be so stumped about where to go from here, because she'd be working with you to try to find a way forward. But her pessimistic outlook unforunately suggests (to me, anyway) that she could be gearing up to end things. Yeah I know if we were both 100% invested it would not be hard to fix it, unfortunately she is not so much. Its not so much this situation in particular or me, but she is generally like this when it comes to all the things in life, shes motivated and all in and puts ton of effort to achieve goals and things, but when something gets a bit hard or not ideal, she quickly sees it as very bad, has lots of fears and worries that it will all crash down etc... shes not like the person who is OK its not ideal but im gonna work on it and fix it... or OK its not ideal but it will be better! I have to stick through it... shes more like its not good... what if it gets even worse... what if it falls apart... worry, fear, pesimism... she is lucky im the opposite, and through many of the issues and problems in life she has had, I have been her rock and pushed her forward and told her to not give up, its going to be good etc.... so she managed to trust me and then things turned out great with all those issues or problems in her life... but when things are not ideal she is like this.
Author LoveComplexity Posted March 22, 2022 Author Posted March 22, 2022 Just now, glows said: I asked earlier if you have a history of depression? Have you seen your doctor about general malaise? I don't have a history of depression, I am never really depressed and fed up with life with no will etc... I love life... but some things excite me more, some not so much.. 1
dramafreezone Posted March 22, 2022 Posted March 22, 2022 1 minute ago, LoveComplexity said: That reminds me, she did mention something in this sense aswell, that she feels like im not quite the same person anymore as back then. Well then she's pretty much telling you what's the problem; you're not the guy right now that she fell in love with. That's why she's irritable, doesn't want to spend time with you. It's like she's in a relationship with another person. In her mind she's thinking she didn't sign up for this, she signed up to date that first guy you were. So try to get back to being that person. It's going to take effort but if you want it to work that's what you have to do IMO. 1
Author LoveComplexity Posted March 22, 2022 Author Posted March 22, 2022 Just now, dramafreezone said: Well then she's pretty much telling you what's the problem; you're not the guy right now that she fell in love with. That's why she's irritable, doesn't want to spend time with you. It's like she's in a relationship with another person. In her mind she's thinking she didn't sign up for this, she signed up to date that first guy you were. So try to get back to being that person. It's going to take effort but if you want it to work that's what you have to do IMO. Its hard to identify just how im different tho... its not as easy.. The only thing that I think of is that lately my life has been more boring and not so interesting, im unsure how this has all affected me as a person tho and how I act, its not so easy identifying these things you know, but I definitely feel like at the moment im not 100% like I could be and have room to improve.
Wiseman2 Posted March 22, 2022 Posted March 22, 2022 5 minutes ago, LoveComplexity said: That reminds me, she did mention something in this sense aswell, that she feels like im not quite the same person anymore as back then. Go to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Rule out physical problems. Discuss the seasonal depression, inertia and lassitude. Ask for referral to a therapist for ongoing support. She can't keep dragging you along infusing life into someone who feels apathetic. Also it seems the relationship is not progressing and quite stagnant. Perhaps this trip opened her eyes to your seeming indifference or depression or whatever this is.
Author LoveComplexity Posted March 22, 2022 Author Posted March 22, 2022 Just now, Wiseman2 said: Go to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Rule out physical problems. Discuss the seasonal depression, inertia and lassitude. Ask for referral to a therapist for ongoing support. She can't keep dragging you along infusing life into someone who feels apathetic. Also it seems the relationship is not progressing and quite stagnant. Perhaps this trip opened her eyes to your seeming indifference or depression or whatever this is. But relationship not progressing and stagnant, what do you mean, how can it progress, in what way? Tell me more.
Wiseman2 Posted March 22, 2022 Posted March 22, 2022 Just now, LoveComplexity said: But relationship not progressing and stagnant, what do you mean, how can it progress, in what way? Tell me more. Does she want marriage/family or more out of life than just hanging out?
dramafreezone Posted March 22, 2022 Posted March 22, 2022 6 minutes ago, LoveComplexity said: The only thing that I think of is that lately my life has been more boring and not so interesting, im unsure how this has all affected me as a person tho and how I act, its not so easy identifying these things you know, but I definitely feel like at the moment im not 100% like I could be and have room to improve. Well you just said how you're different. Relationships are still supposed to be fun, even after 2 years. A lot of guys think we can start wearing sweatpants and hang out on the couch every day. Maybe that's fine to do once in a while but GFs don't want that to be a routine. You may be fine it but she's not, she still wants to go out, have fun, experience life, show you off. There is a great movie that illustrates this perfectly, "Forgetting Sarah Marshall," if you've not seen it, watch it immediately if not sooner. 1
Author LoveComplexity Posted March 22, 2022 Author Posted March 22, 2022 Just now, dramafreezone said: Well you just said how you're different. Relationships are still supposed to be fun, even after 2 years. A lot of guys think we can start wearing sweatpants and hang out on the couch every day. Maybe that's fine to do once in a while but GFs don't want that to be a routine. You may be fine it but she's not, she still wants to go out, have fun, experience life, show you off. There is a great movie that illustrates this perfectly, "Forgetting Sarah Marshall," if you've not seen it, watch it immediately if not sooner. I will. I mean I do suprize her alot, with flowers, gifts, unexpected things.. so I think thats good, but maybe your right about doing more stuff, visiting more places, new things..
dramafreezone Posted March 22, 2022 Posted March 22, 2022 (edited) 7 minutes ago, LoveComplexity said: I mean I do suprize her alot, with flowers, gifts, unexpected things.. so I think thats good, but maybe your right about doing more stuff, visiting more places, new things.. But if you surprise her a lot, then it loses its appeal. Does that make sense? She may think to herself, well about every 10 days he gets me flowers or gets me a gift, so it's about that time again. Even if she doesn't know exactly when it's going to happen she does know it's going to happen, so not really much of a surprise anymore. It becomes expected behavior. She can think you're a sweet guy but also have the thought that you're not being original or creative, or it can come across as just doing the bare minimum. It's not fair in a way (because some guys don't do any of that) but that's how doing things for people all the time can backfire on you. We become spoiled. Doing those things much less frequently, but truly changing things up makes it a more thoughtful and special gesture. Edited March 22, 2022 by dramafreezone 1
chillii Posted March 22, 2022 Posted March 22, 2022 5 hours ago, LoveComplexity said: So yeah its a bit odd from her side to take this so extreme and even seem like she is so pessimistic about the whole thing, idk.. its very odd, instead of saying in the lines of like ok things are not perfect at the moment but lets work hard at it, lets blabla... lets blabla... lets try to recover x thing... or y thing... lets.... blabla... Op , you can't take the wrap for everything. The whole relationship or time apart or even a kiss at the airport, is not all on you . Takes two to tango my friend, takes two to keep a relationship together, two to make effort and want it. Did she passionately kiss you at the airport, has she changed , of course she has, people change over time and a few mths apart can often have other effects too. You shouldn't have to try or think of things to say or bla bla bla though, that's not all on you, it's on her too and if two people get along well and both want this then quieter are comfortable quiets . l dunno , too much to go into but tbh , it sounds like she's looking for negs and making excuses to me, and putting that all on you. When you've been apart awhile sometimes things are different for awhile at first when your finally back together but you settle back into your old selves in a few days- if you want to. She might say she wants to but it doesn't sound like she's putting in much herself to back it up. And if she can't even cope with being apart only two mths or you guys fall apart over that then maybe things weren't as real and great before as you thought. 2mths is nothing if it's real. Time will tell but it's not all on you. 1
Author LoveComplexity Posted March 23, 2022 Author Posted March 23, 2022 Yeah chillii you are correct, I think I focused too much on miself and blamed miself for everything, but the fact is that I am more eager and willing to put effort, while she is more passive, confused and pessimistic. I am definitely willing to put effort into this and try to make it work and reconnect again, alltho at this moment we feel quite distant, i don't know quite how to get back this connection and feeling of closeness, but im willing to put the effort into it.
glows Posted March 23, 2022 Posted March 23, 2022 41 minutes ago, LoveComplexity said: Yeah chillii you are correct, I think I focused too much on miself and blamed miself for everything, but the fact is that I am more eager and willing to put effort, while she is more passive, confused and pessimistic. I am definitely willing to put effort into this and try to make it work and reconnect again, alltho at this moment we feel quite distant, i don't know quite how to get back this connection and feeling of closeness, but im willing to put the effort into it. When she returns make a nice dinner for her or take her out to her favourite restaurant. Ask her what she thinks and engage with her. Mind you, you might want to work on yourself and disengage as well from the relationship enough to actually tend to your own needs and interests. If you like cars, go to a car show. If you know something is coming up and you'd like to be a part of it, go and participate within reason. You characterized yourself as boring a few times and that's negative self-talk. The armchair brainstorming doesn't need to go on forever. Go and actually do things by yourself or ask friends if they'd be interested in joining you. Make a day of it. Explore and enjoy yourself.
Author LoveComplexity Posted March 23, 2022 Author Posted March 23, 2022 4 minutes ago, glows said: When she returns make a nice dinner for her or take her out to her favourite restaurant. Ask her what she thinks and engage with her. Mind you, you might want to work on yourself and disengage as well from the relationship enough to actually tend to your own needs and interests. If you like cars, go to a car show. If you know something is coming up and you'd like to be a part of it, go and participate within reason. You characterized yourself as boring a few times and that's negative self-talk. The armchair brainstorming doesn't need to go on forever. Go and actually do things by yourself or ask friends if they'd be interested in joining you. Make a day of it. Explore and enjoy yourself. We did have a dinner together, I thought it was quite romantic, wine, food stuff like that, and later we went for a walk in the city. She said AFTER all this that she doesn't feel the same connection from before, and that everything feels like maybe 50% from before and that shes very confused about it.
glows Posted March 23, 2022 Posted March 23, 2022 4 minutes ago, LoveComplexity said: We did have a dinner together, I thought it was quite romantic, wine, food stuff like that, and later we went for a walk in the city. She said AFTER all this that she doesn't feel the same connection from before, and that everything feels like maybe 50% from before and that shes very confused about it. You'll need to ask her what she means by that and clarify with her whether there is a relationship at all. She may have checked out a long time ago and there's very little you can do. This is all a lot of wasted energy on your part if she's no longer interested in being with you. 2
dramafreezone Posted March 23, 2022 Posted March 23, 2022 (edited) 3 hours ago, LoveComplexity said: Yeah chillii you are correct, I think I focused too much on miself and blamed miself for everything, but the fact is that I am more eager and willing to put effort, while she is more passive, confused and pessimistic. I am definitely willing to put effort into this and try to make it work and reconnect again, alltho at this moment we feel quite distant, i don't know quite how to get back this connection and feeling of closeness, but im willing to put the effort into it. Well things are rarely the fault of one person in a relationship. But you're the only one in your relationship posting on here, she's not posting on here to tell her side of things. Also, you can only change your behavior, not hers. So you have the right attitude of modifying your behavior and if that's not good enough for her, well you tried your best. At least you won't be wondering "what if you put in more effort." Edited March 23, 2022 by dramafreezone 1
Alpacalia Posted March 24, 2022 Posted March 24, 2022 Agree with others. If she's already checked out, this is pointless. Ask her what she is willing to do to address her concerns. See if she is willing to explore options that can work on her emotions related to her detachment, such as anxiety and fear. Sometimes it's the insignificant moments of connection that reach the deepest levels of meaning. Maybe she tried to connect with you in the past and it fell on deaf ears. Possibly, she attempted to communicate with you along the way, but she failed. Or maybe she didn't. I really don't know the ins and outs of your relationship. What I am saying is that the disconnection usually occurs gradually, over time. It's not an overnight thing. Real connections are internal. Let her penetrate you (emotionally!), and you penetrate her right back. Be honest. Let it rip. Honoring your true self means putting your cards on the table. Let her see you. All of you. Say the truth, even if it scares you. 1
chillii Posted March 24, 2022 Posted March 24, 2022 (edited) Tbh , l'd say that'd just be asking for another kick in the face right now just like the night out got him.She doesn't deserve it she's putting in nothing just complaining.One thing though op, you can't just rush out on a night out when she's just gotten back and expect that to fix everything and as you see it didn't do much at all. Things and emotions take time to feel their way again if they're going to. Atm she's shut of to them though anyway, not sure how long that'll last or if they'll return but like someone said, don't see her here trying to fix it. Edited March 24, 2022 by chillii 1
ExpatInItaly Posted March 24, 2022 Posted March 24, 2022 I think she's on her way out of the relationship, OP. Sorry, man. Your efforts here are likely going to prove futile. 1
Recommended Posts