When the relationship lost a bit of 'oomph' how to get it back?

March 21, 2022

Me and my girlfriend are together for 2 years and a half.

Everything in the relationship was going great, perfect, we had a super loving relationship, exciting one, together we were awesome, had this amazing connection and worked really well in all the areas, partnership, sex... everything

Recently my girlfriend had to go to another country work related for 2 months, we obviously kept in touch nowadays with phones and stuff.. but after some weeks or probably 1 month it started to get weird, it got a bit frustrating only having to talk over the phone, slightly repetitive and boring and we kind of felt distanced and disconnected. One time we even had a little bit of an issue where we fought about something but then after that we talked it through and settle it.

Now when she came back after 2 months i met her at the airport and the starting greeting felt a bit akward and weird, I didn't really kiss her as intensely a I should (I kind of didn't want to make it heavy in the airport) and then in the car she made a comment of "Its like you don't even know me anymore" refering to the cold kiss.

And ever since then things have been a bit weird between us, not like before when we were SO CLOSE when together, but it feels like we are not as close anymore and somewhat distant, we had a talk about it and she said that she doesn't feel the same connection anymore for some reason, and that it surely didn't help the situation the way I greeted her at the airport.

She said she still loves me but she feels like something is missing, the connection or the passion or something from before is not quite the same anymore.

I feel it also, that its not quite the same anymore, but we had sex and it was amazing and very passionate so that still works great, but in general life when we walk together, talk and do stuff together it does not feel as connected and something is not quite there.

Its also true that only a couple of days passed, so its not like this is something going on for weeks... alltho I did feel that this distance and not being together affected things..

I obviously love her and don't want to lose her, what can we make to recover so things are like they were before? Any tips, anything we can try, any advice?

Edited March 21, 2022 by LoveComplexity

March 21, 2022

9 minutes ago, LoveComplexity said:

Recently my girlfriend had to go to another country work related for 2 months, we obviously kept in touch nowadays with phones and stuff.. but after some weeks or probably 1 month it started to get weird, it got a bit frustrating only having to talk over the phone, slightly repetitive and boring and we kind of felt distanced and disconnected. One time we even had a little bit of an issue where we fought about something but then after that we talked it through and settle it.

Allow for what's called the 'reentry zone" people, who because of business and military etc, go through this.

Just plan fun date nights, romance etc and allow things to get back in sync without forcing it.

Is the concern that she had a fling or just the doldrums?

Edited March 21, 2022 by Wiseman2

March 21, 2022

She may start to feel less and less when the relationship becomes stagnated or there is a recurring issue. Do you know of any? Maybe you got stuck in your habits, didn't continue to seduce her, and thought you had her in your pocket. That was a mistake.

March 21, 2022

18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Allow for what's called the 'reentry zone" people, who because of business and military etc, go through this.

Just plan fun date nights, romance etc and allow things to get back in sync without forcing it.

Is the concern that she had a fling or just the doldrums?

No im not concerned she had a fling.

March 21, 2022

7 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

She may start to feel less and less when the relationship becomes stagnated or there is a recurring issue. Do you know of any? Maybe you got stuck in your habits, didn't continue to seduce her, and thought you had her in your pocket. That was a mistake.

The only thing I can think of is that sometimes we bottled some issues under the carpet now when she was away, like the problem I said (but that was because I didn't want to argue and discuss about things over distance but prefer to do it real life).

And by bottled under the carpet I mean we had a talk about it and in general talked it over, but didn't really solve it or fix it completely.

And refering to the last part, that maybe is true, I was a bit too confident than we are a couple and thought that this would be 100%, we would marry, have kids, have a house... Only now when she told me about how she feels do I realize that its not as 100% as I think.

Any advice on what to do to get closer together to get the connection going again? Currently we feel a bit distanced, not close.

Edited March 21, 2022 by LoveComplexity

March 21, 2022

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Allow for what's called the 'reentry zone" people, who because of business and military etc, go through this.

When my ex-husband (military) had to leave for a few months it was an adjustment to live without him, it was equally an adjustment when he came back.

OP it's a normal phase. Give it a couple of weeks. There is no need to question it, just spend time together, be affectionate, and it will get back on track.

March 22, 2022

5 hours ago, LoveComplexity said:

The only thing I can think of is that sometimes we bottled some issues under the carpet now when she was away, like the problem I said (but that was because I didn't want to argue and discuss about things over distance but prefer to do it real life).

It's not always the best (depending on what the issue is) to sweep under the rug.

My purpose in asking was to see if she was upset by anything from the past that you hadn't identified.

Her statement "It's like you don't even know me anymore" gave the impression that you could not relate to her feelings.

5 hours ago, LoveComplexity said:

Any advice on what to do to get closer together to get the connection going again? Currently we feel a bit distanced, not close.

Imagine what you'd like to happen and what actions would need to be taken to bring it about. What would you like your partner to do? Is it the same for you? Did you not feel excited to see her after time apart with the 'cold kiss?'

We often confuse any powerful emotion, such as lust, hope, infatuation, etc., for love.. Sad to say, true love is much more rare than those emotions.

It does not fade or drift away, it is a voyage you take together, an adventure you both embark on together.

Connection-wise, no two individuals will ever share a consistent chemistry.

Having said this, every relationship is unique and good communication hurts no one.

March 22, 2022

6 hours ago, LoveComplexity said:

The only thing I can think of is that sometimes we bottled some issues under the carpet now when she was away, like the problem I said (but that was because I didn't want to argue and discuss about things over distance but prefer to do it real life).

And by bottled under the carpet I mean we had a talk about it and in general talked it over, but didn't really solve it or fix it completely.

What are these issues exactly?

March 22, 2022

12 hours ago, LoveComplexity said:

No im not concerned she had a fling.

Ok. But often "love but, not in love" or "something's missing" is code for interest in someone else.

Either way she seems to have at least one foot out the door. So hopefully you can work something out.

March 22, 2022

17 hours ago, Gaeta said:

When my ex-husband (military) had to leave for a few months it was an adjustment to live without him, it was equally an adjustment when he came back.

OP it's a normal phase. Give it a couple of weeks. There is no need to question it, just spend time together, be affectionate, and it will get back on track.

I as a guy am more practical, but she as a woman is more emotional, to her this is more black than to me, in her mind we lost the connection and spark we had before and now even tho she wants to "save" this relationship and doesn't want to lose me, it seems like she is in a defeatist state of mind where she doesn't have the proper drive and motivation to ACT but instead thinks negative and pessimistic about the whole thing.

12 hours ago, Alpaca said:

It's not always the best (depending on what the issue is) to sweep under the rug.

My purpose in asking was to see if she was upset by anything from the past that you hadn't identified.

Her statement "It's like you don't even know me anymore" gave the impression that you could not relate to her feelings.

Imagine what you'd like to happen and what actions would need to be taken to bring it about. What would you like your partner to do? Is it the same for you? Did you not feel excited to see her after time apart with the 'cold kiss?'

We often confuse any powerful emotion, such as lust, hope, infatuation, etc., for love.. Sad to say, true love is much more rare than those emotions.

It does not fade or drift away, it is a voyage you take together, an adventure you both embark on together.

Connection-wise, no two individuals will ever share a consistent chemistry.

Having said this, every relationship is unique and good communication hurts no one.

Yeah she probably expected me to give her the most passionate kiss in the world, after not being together for 2 months, showing her exactly how much I missed her.

I missed her alot but I admit I failed to show it the way I should, I didn't want to kiss her that heavily on the airport and probably a part of me inside also felt a bit weird due to not being together for so long and kind of not feeling the same excitement to see her.

Because in the time we have been separated by distance... first we said goodbye... and first 2 weeks was missing the person like crazy, but then it kind of settled in... and for the next some weeks we basically called each other to have chats.. but it quickly got repetitive, not being able to touch, do things etc... only talk on the phone, felt very repetitive, boring... somehow in some time I didn't even have a good idea what to talk to her about on the phone, it felt weird... we also felt very distant and disconnected as a couple.

Of course it didn't help to have those little arguments I mentioned, it made an even bigger drift between us.. so all of these things cumulated and the fact that I wasnt so happy how she handled some of the issues or arguments we had on the phone, so I wasn't extremely excited, I kind of even felt a bit of unresolved things inside, somewhat of a resentment even, so the meeting and greeting was cold, kiss was cold and almost like you would kiss a friend, but its how I felt at that moment..

Then when she said in the car "its like you don't even know me" I asked her why? And she said nevermind, we will talk about it later, and the whole ride felt a bit weird and tense... then later we went out to eat and talked about the whole thing.

How she felt disconnected from me when we were not together and distant and now this cold kiss... etc... and that she doesn't feel the connection we had before, that she feels like 1 thing is missing.

Then we went home, had crazy sex and felt asleep together, the next day we went out a bit did some stuff together etc... then at night we talked about the whole thing again (at this point I felt like the sex was great and the day was also great, felt fairly normal) and she said she still doesn't feel the connecton we had before, and that the sex was great but that the sex was always great between us, but its when we talk, when we walk together, when we do stuff together where she doesn't feel the same connection as before anymore, that its maybe 40% or 50% like it was before.

So yeah its a bit odd from her side to take this so extreme and even seem like she is so pessimistic about the whole thing, idk.. its very odd, instead of saying in the lines of like ok things are not perfect at the moment but lets work hard at it, lets blabla... lets blabla... lets try to recover x thing... or y thing... lets.... blabla...

11 hours ago, glows said:

What are these issues exactly?

Sometimes when we have a disagrement or some problem, she tends to get quite angry when something pisses her off and she is full of anger and says things that are not appropriate or stuff that are too extreme, and in this state its impossible to argue with her because she doesn't accept any logic or what I say, so I just tend to back off and remove miself for a while until she calms down. But then she says im avoiding talking about problems because I don't try to resolve them when they come up, even tho its impossible when she is in that state. So basically its about that more or less. And that we can't quite come together with this. And obviously now it was even harder because we were apart so long, and over the phone... these things are even harder.

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok. But often "love but, not in love" or "something's missing" is code for interest in someone else.

Either way she seems to have at least one foot out the door. So hopefully you can work something out.

I don't think so, besides it would make no sense as she is not there anymore, which is quite far away.

March 22, 2022

1 hour ago, LoveComplexity said:

I as a guy am more practical, but she as a woman is more emotional, to her this is more black than to me, in her mind we lost the connection and spark we had before and now even tho she wants to "save" this relationship and doesn't want to lose me, it seems like she is in a defeatist state of mind where she doesn't have the proper drive and motivation to ACT but instead thinks negative and pessimistic about the whole thing.

Yeah she probably expected me to give her the most passionate kiss in the world, after not being together for 2 months, showing her exactly how much I missed her.

I missed her alot but I admit I failed to show it the way I should, I didn't want to kiss her that heavily on the airport and probably a part of me inside also felt a bit weird due to not being together for so long and kind of not feeling the same excitement to see her.

Because in the time we have been separated by distance... first we said goodbye... and first 2 weeks was missing the person like crazy, but then it kind of settled in... and for the next some weeks we basically called each other to have chats.. but it quickly got repetitive, not being able to touch, do things etc... only talk on the phone, felt very repetitive, boring... somehow in some time I didn't even have a good idea what to talk to her about on the phone, it felt weird... we also felt very distant and disconnected as a couple.

Of course it didn't help to have those little arguments I mentioned, it made an even bigger drift between us.. so all of these things cumulated and the fact that I wasnt so happy how she handled some of the issues or arguments we had on the phone, so I wasn't extremely excited, I kind of even felt a bit of unresolved things inside, somewhat of a resentment even, so the meeting and greeting was cold, kiss was cold and almost like you would kiss a friend, but its how I felt at that moment..

Then when she said in the car "its like you don't even know me" I asked her why? And she said nevermind, we will talk about it later, and the whole ride felt a bit weird and tense... then later we went out to eat and talked about the whole thing.

How she felt disconnected from me when we were not together and distant and now this cold kiss... etc... and that she doesn't feel the connection we had before, that she feels like 1 thing is missing.

Then we went home, had crazy sex and felt asleep together, the next day we went out a bit did some stuff together etc... then at night we talked about the whole thing again (at this point I felt like the sex was great and the day was also great, felt fairly normal) and she said she still doesn't feel the connecton we had before, and that the sex was great but that the sex was always great between us, but its when we talk, when we walk together, when we do stuff together where she doesn't feel the same connection as before anymore, that its maybe 40% or 50% like it was before.

So yeah its a bit odd from her side to take this so extreme and even seem like she is so pessimistic about the whole thing, idk.. its very odd, instead of saying in the lines of like ok things are not perfect at the moment but lets work hard at it, lets blabla... lets blabla... lets try to recover x thing... or y thing... lets.... blabla...

Sometimes when we have a disagrement or some problem, she tends to get quite angry when something pisses her off and she is full of anger and says things that are not appropriate or stuff that are too extreme, and in this state its impossible to argue with her because she doesn't accept any logic or what I say, so I just tend to back off and remove miself for a while until she calms down. But then she says im avoiding talking about problems because I don't try to resolve them when they come up, even tho its impossible when she is in that state. So basically its about that more or less. And that we can't quite come together with this. And obviously now it was even harder because we were apart so long, and over the phone... these things are even harder.

I don't think so, besides it would make no sense as she is not there anymore, which is quite far away.

Do you want to be with her or not? If so, show it more. It’s got nothing to with being more male or female or males being more practical and females being more emotional. That is engendered thinking and counterproductive stereotypes. She may find you’re offensive also if you repeat that. You’re unhappy and somehow transposing that on her and negative yourself in the way you perceive her. It is ok to be unhappy first of all. If touch is her love language then show her how much you love her with touch and kisses in future.

Do you ask her about her trips or engage with her and find out what she did or what she’s accomplished? Show each other you care by being engaged and fully present.

March 22, 2022

22 hours ago, LoveComplexity said:

Me and my girlfriend are together for 2 years and a half.

Everything in the relationship was going great, perfect, we had a super loving relationship, exciting one, together we were awesome, had this amazing connection and worked really well in all the areas, partnership, sex... everything

Recently my girlfriend had to go to another country work related for 2 months, we obviously kept in touch nowadays with phones and stuff.. but after some weeks or probably 1 month it started to get weird, it got a bit frustrating only having to talk over the phone, slightly repetitive and boring and we kind of felt distanced and disconnected. One time we even had a little bit of an issue where we fought about something but then after that we talked it through and settle it.

Now when she came back after 2 months i met her at the airport and the starting greeting felt a bit akward and weird, I didn't really kiss her as intensely a I should (I kind of didn't want to make it heavy in the airport) and then in the car she made a comment of "Its like you don't even know me anymore" refering to the cold kiss.

And ever since then things have been a bit weird between us, not like before when we were SO CLOSE when together, but it feels like we are not as close anymore and somewhat distant, we had a talk about it and she said that she doesn't feel the same connection anymore for some reason, and that it surely didn't help the situation the way I greeted her at the airport.

She said she still loves me but she feels like something is missing, the connection or the passion or something from before is not quite the same anymore.

I feel it also, that its not quite the same anymore, but we had sex and it was amazing and very passionate so that still works great, but in general life when we walk together, talk and do stuff together it does not feel as connected and something is not quite there.

Its also true that only a couple of days passed, so its not like this is something going on for weeks... alltho I did feel that this distance and not being together affected things..

I obviously love her and don't want to lose her, what can we make to recover so things are like they were before? Any tips, anything we can try, any advice?

The relationship is supposed to lose some "umph." It's the natural lifecycle of the relationship, once the novelty and infatuation phases end.

Ideally those things are replaced by a deeper respect and admiration for what this person adds to your life and how you aspire to be like that person in some way. This is the principle behind "opposites attract," because each has an inherent quality that the other lacks, and which makes them a better person.

Do you date anymore? You have to date your GF. I think we just forget to court the other after a while and we take them for granted. Relationships are hard work, you have to put more effort in them once the intense urges to have sex and be with this person all the time fade away.

March 22, 2022

H and I were in a LDR 10 years ago - we were seeing each other once every 6 months during that phase. Yes, a slight amount of awkwardness and taking time to reestablish the connection is 100% normal after being separated for significant periods of time. After all, you have not seen each other for 2 months, you have grown unaccustomed to each others' mannerisms etc, and chances are that both of you are also a bit nervous.

What isn't normal, is making such a huge deal out of it. If both of you are secure in your relationship, one slightly awkward kiss is literally NOTHING. You have plenty of opportunities to make up for it!

I'm guessing that in your case this goes beyond just 'slight awkwardness' and might point towards a larger issue in your relationship, either real or perceived by one of you.

March 22, 2022

17 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

H and I were in a LDR 10 years ago - we were seeing each other once every 6 months during that phase. Yes, a slight amount of awkwardness and taking time to reestablish the connection is 100% normal after being separated for significant periods of time. After all, you have not seen each other for 2 months, you have grown unaccustomed to each others' mannerisms etc, and chances are that both of you are also a bit nervous.

What isn't normal, is making such a huge deal out of it. If both of you are secure in your relationship, one slightly awkward kiss is literally NOTHING. You have plenty of opportunities to make up for it!

I'm guessing that in your case this goes beyond just 'slight awkwardness' and might point towards a larger issue in your relationship, either real or perceived by one of you.

But what kind of large issue?

March 22, 2022

1 hour ago, glows said:

Do you want to be with her or not? If so, show it more. It’s got nothing to with being more male or female or males being more practical and females being more emotional. That is engendered thinking and counterproductive stereotypes. She may find you’re offensive also if you repeat that. You’re unhappy and somehow transposing that on her and negative yourself in the way you perceive her. It is ok to be unhappy first of all. If touch is her love language then show her how much you love her with touch and kisses in future.

Do you ask her about her trips or engage with her and find out what she did or what she’s accomplished? Show each other you care by being engaged and fully present.

Yeah I want to be with her, I have to put more effort in it for sure.

I feel like communication is the hardest, after so much time separated it feels hard for me to engage her in deep conversation and make it fun, any tips in this regard?

Also I feel like I generally had a boring 2 months not really doing much without her here, so I don't have alot of fun things to add or say.

March 22, 2022

Everything in the relationship was going great, perfect, we had a super loving relationship, exciting one, together we were awesome, had this amazing connection and worked really well in all the areas, partnership, sex... everything.

This sounds like the honeymoon phase, not a mature phase of a relationship. Two years in, you guys should have experienced some real disagreements and come to terms with your differences. Things cannot work well in all areas. Sorry. This claim tells me that you guys were faking it (one or both of you) or you never entered into a mature phase. Sounds like you swimming on the surface of things. A mature phase is you realize we have conflicts over X and Y and yet negotiating those conflicts and differences is really worth it. Doesn't even sound like you guys have had a real argument. Two years in, it's expected that you would have had several serious arguments/disagreements.

This trip may have thrown you guys finally into a more mature phase of the relationship and yes this phase has bumps and trips and some despair and disagreements but also, if you work it out, a real and deep bond.

It's also possible that your gf went on the trip because she felt something was missing or because she wanted to change things. People sometimes go on trips to establish some space in a relationship and to start a process of change. They do this unconsciously as well as consciously.

March 22, 2022

21 minutes ago, LoveComplexity said:

Yeah I want to be with her, I have to put more effort in it for sure.

I feel like communication is the hardest, after so much time separated it feels hard for me to engage her in deep conversation and make it fun, any tips in this regard?

Also I feel like I generally had a boring 2 months not really doing much without her here, so I don't have alot of fun things to add or say.

That’s a you thing. Nothing deep or substantial or difficult to find things to talk about that you’re passionate about are all about you. Start with making a list of things you’ve always wanted to do and then do it. Feeling low, depressed, uninteresting and general malaise is something in you can change about yourself. Do you have any history of depression?

Start with your hobbies. Then start with new interests or things you find interesting. Talk with people into the same things and hobbies. Do you hang out with friends?

You seem to have lost yourself somehow and are feeling discouraged by minor things, also getting lost in trying so hard to fix a relationship when that time should be spent equally on you, your own self.

March 22, 2022

1 hour ago, LoveComplexity said:

Also I feel like I generally had a boring 2 months not really doing much without her here, so I don't have alot of fun things to add or say.

Well that's a huge problem. You should have a life outside of the GF. No one wants to be the center of your life, despite what they may say, they just want to know that you see them as important along with the other important aspects of your life.

What about hobbies? Spend more time apart, you ever hear the phrase "how can I miss you if you won't ever go away?" There's a lot of truth to that, missing someone is what is like gasoline to attraction, attraction grows in your absence, not with you spending time together.

Think of picking up a new hobby like golf. All of a suddent you're at lessons, on the course, you're outdoors meeting new people. She's not a part of it, she begins to wonder who you're meeting, she begins to miss you. That's not to say you do this as a deliberate way to manipulate her, but you do this to fill your life with things that you enjoy. As a byproduct, she will see that you're doing things to improve your life, which is attractive. Same thing with other hobbies such as working out, dance lessons, sky diving, doing something new for yourself is attractive to others. She will (ideally) miss you more because you are less available and you're growing as a person, and she doesn't want to miss out on the "improved you". People get bored when there are no more surprises, nothing new to look forward to.

If you filling your life with activities, being less available doesn't help, then the relationship may have run its course.

Edited March 22, 2022 by dramafreezone

March 22, 2022

Just now, dramafreezone said:

Well that's a huge problem. You should have a life outside of the GF. No one wants to be the center of your life, despite what they may say, they just want to know that you see them as important along with the other important aspects of your life.

What about hobbies? Spend more time apart, you ever hear the phrase "how can I miss you if you won't ever go away?" There's a lot of truth to that, missing someone is what is like gasoline to attraction, attraction grows in your absence, not with you spending time together.

Think of picking up a new hobby like golf. All of a suddent you're at lessons, on the course, you're outdoors meeting new people. She's not a part of it, she begins to wonder who you're meeting, she begins to miss you. That's not to say you do this as a deliberate way to manipulate her, but you do this to fill your life with things that you enjoy. As a byproduct, she will see that you're doing things to improve your life, which is attractive. She will (ideally) miss you more because you are less available and you're growing as a person.

If you filling your life with activities, being less available doesn't help, then the relationship may have run its course.

Thats very good advice, I definitely will take your advice and try to do this.

March 22, 2022

How does introducing more distance when there is already distance strengthen your connection though?

Edited March 22, 2022 by Alpaca

March 22, 2022

Just now, Alpaca said:

How does introducing more distance when there is already distance strengthen your connection though?

Hmmm, interesting point...

March 22, 2022

23 hours ago, LoveComplexity said:

when she came back after 2 months i met her at the airport and the starting greeting felt a bit akward and weird, I didn't really kiss her as intensely a I should (I kind of didn't want to make it heavy in the airport) and then in the car she made a comment of "Its like you don't even know me anymore"

She said she still loves me but she feels like something is missing, the connection or the passion or something from before is not quite the same anymore.

This is an ominous sign, even though you believe it's simply due to not having enough hobbies. While having full lives outside each other is good, "something is missing" means she has been contemplating things and she's not happy. Maybe she's talking to someone (although you prefer to not consider that), maybe she sees things as stagnant.

March 22, 2022

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

This is an ominous sign, even though you believe it's simply due to not having enough hobbies. While having full lives outside each other is good, "something is missing" means she has been contemplating things and she's not happy. Maybe she's talking to someone (although you prefer to not consider that), maybe she sees things as stagnant.

The thing is, what to do about it to fix it, thats the question.

March 22, 2022

9 minutes ago, LoveComplexity said:

The thing is, what to do about it to fix it, thats the question.

Ask her specifically what she means by 'something's missing'

Edited March 22, 2022 by Wiseman2

March 22, 2022

She has to want to meet you halfway, OP.

Fixing this wouldn't be a big mystery if you were both invested. She would be as keen as you to maybe plan more dates, try some new activities, and so on. You wouldn't be so stumped about where to go from here, because she'd be working with you to try to find a way forward.

But her pessimistic outlook unforunately suggests (to me, anyway) that she could be gearing up to end things.

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