Why would he leave just like that ?

[Idonotknow]

Hello Everyone.

I am broken-hearted and as nothing has seemed to help me improve my state for weeks now I have decided to share my feelings with you. ( Sorry for my English )

There was a guy who contacted me  on a dating website a month ago. He was VERY polite, sweet and most of all GENUINE ( and not showing any narcissistic traits at all...ever ), VERY romantic. I loved that. Same  with his looks ♥  He said he was  enchanted by me - both my looks and personality. We had several videocalls.

Only catch was he lives quite far away from me ( like 3,5 hrs ride ). I never had the desire to get involved with someone living that far away but given the fact that I have not been able to come along someone who I could really relate to, I did not hesitate and agreed with his suggestion to come  over and visit me in a week. ( I only need to live in my current town for another 9 months ( and can travel a lot  out of town during those ) and then can move anywhere, that is why I did not really mind it that much. )

During the week we would spend lots of time texting each other and recording voice messages. He composed a poem for me, recorded videos from his walks for me...

He classifies himself as  " reserved " and is divorced ( his ex-wife  decision ). He was married  for 6 years in total.

I made sure he would be nicely taken care of me when staying in my town ( yes, he did rent a hotel room but I catered meals etc. ). He was exactly the same as in online communication. Sadly that went for his very reserved behaviour as  well. He was very polite and nice, telling me how good I looked...but it was kind of...sterile...I am a very " touch-enjoying" person and I felt very much like if I was not attractive enough. After an hour he noticed I do not seem very happy and suggested he would come  back to his  hometown in the  evening but that we  could  go to the movies  as  planned  before then anyway...so we did.

And then everything changed. Finally I was not forced to talk endlessly ( I hate that - I do not need to share every single idea that  pops into my mind with my partner ) and he could relax. For the entire movie I battled the  desire to  kiss him and touch him. Once the movie ended, he started kissing me and looked TOTALLY happy. I loved that and felt  the same way ♥ ( sigh... ) - total happiness. I may have founded the  love of my life...but my happiness is always short-lived..

I do not enjoy  being kissed / kissing someone passionately when in public. It just feels awkward when others have no other option but witness it. So I told him to save that for private time and we decided to go to his lodging. Sadly  when on our way, my best friend called me with some serious stuff he needed to discuss. Plus I thought I would grab my toothbrush and some fresh clothes at my place ( very close to the hotel ) and only then come back and enjoy  the rest of the night uninterupted together  He agreed....I had to leave him waiting for almost an hour as my  friend was in a very desperate situation and needed help. I let Mr. Dream know and  he said " ok " .  Later I found out he even called me to ask where I was stuck but I could not answer the phone as I missed the call since my sound was still off since we stepped into the movies.

When I arrived to the place he did not even give me a chance to say " sorry  " and explain myself, just handed me some of my stuff I left there when I came to greet him after arrival and said  " I can at least walk you to the bus station ". I was ABSOLUTELY destroyed. My body went from total happiness into a total shock. It felt like a heart attack. From being superadorable he turned into supercold and did not give a s*** about me and my feelings. 

I do realize it was not the most romantic thing  to keep them waiting but I felt like I had no other choice at the moment.

I wish he could have talked to me. Or  at least give me an explanation later if not immediately. But he could not even do that for me on messanger. Why not just share with me What made him change his mind  when he  was SO  very genuinely happy after the movie ? 

He never gave me  any explanation, just said  " He wishes me the best and  to find the partner to be happy with. " And me, like  an idiot trying to apologize, I sent him an apologetic cute poem. He responded " He does believe I have qualities and wishes me  all the  best. " No explanation whatsoever. Would not he always presented himself as a very romantic and emotional fair-play person, I would just forget it all. But he  was totally  different from all the guys I have ever gone on a date with...You do not walk away from someone you kiss being happy and invite them for  a weekend-stay just like that, right ?

I have not been able to get passed this for weeks now and feel really terrible. Humiliated most of all. Unworthy. Unattractive. 

Wish I could go back in time and change something.

I have no family and all friends have babies so the advice " just forget about love for now " is undoable.  I am not 18 anymore and neither do I feel like going through my life without sex and emotional connection another day, let alone  weeks or months...

I just wish I did not have to live anymore. It has been too much pain.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Idonotknow said:

I just wish I did not have to live anymore. It has been too much pain.

Whoa, slow down, this is only 1 guy who you knew for only 1 month and 1 get together.  He felt you were rude to leave him waiting while talking to another guy.  Sorry your friend had problems but you should have told him you'll talk to him after your date, unless he was at the point of suicide; and then you should have talked to your friend in front of your date so he would know for sure there's nothing between you and this friend.  All you can do is not make the same mistake with the next guy.  If you haven't heard back from this guy by now it's doubtful you will.  Why aren't you dating more?

Edited March 21, 2022 by stillafool

[glows]

In future meet earlier and keep it local. How did you get home? Did you drive yourself back the 3.5 hours? Have you been suicidal in the past? 

Shake this off and meet new people. I hope your friend is doing all right. What was the issue about that you were helping your friend with on the phone? 

[Idonotknow]

Thank you very much for the time taken ! ♥

" Funnily " enough , the friend wanted to discuss his almost-a wife´s  suicidal  wishes - She  has been battling depression for some time now. They have a little child. She ended up in a psychiatric ward.

[Idonotknow]

And me - I was not the one who had to commute. We met in my hometown.

I thought waiting for not more than an hour  would be ok since we could spend the night together, go out and watch the  stars  and then just cuddle etc..

On my way to him I did not pick up the phone as could not hear it ringing....

Before handing me my stuff and saying goodbye, he said " he was not feeling well and had a headache " - almost seemed like if he was scared I would want sex...

 

I just wished he would have talked to me openly

[Idonotknow]

I would be just fine, if he was not so much worth it...

[basil67]

What makes you say he was "worth it?"  You barely knew the man....and when he didn't get sex on demand, he rudely dumped you without even a conversation.  

 

[glows]

I’m sorry to hear about your friend’s fiancée and what happened.

I think it would have been more reasonable to cancel the date and explain something urgent came up as soon as you knew you were dealing with a crisis. Reschedule for breakfast the next morning or another plan, for example, if you wanted to stay on the phone longer for support with your friend. It wasn’t courteous to leave your date like that for an hour when you had existing plans. 

Don’t beat yourself up over this. You had priorities and you dealt with it the best way you knew how at the time. There’s a slightly better way to handle it but it’s not the end of the world.

I’m glad you are fine and are not suicidal if that’s what you were referring to in your last post. Put this behind you and learn from the experience.  

Edited March 21, 2022 by glows

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Idonotknow said:

And me - I was not the one who had to commute. We met in my hometown.

I thought waiting for not more than an hour  would be ok since we could spend the night together, go out and watch the  stars  and then just cuddle etc..

On my way to him I did not pick up the phone as could not hear it ringing....

Before handing me my stuff and saying goodbye, he said " he was not feeling well and had a headache " - almost seemed like if he was scared I would want sex...

 

I just wished he would have talked to me openly

Sorry this happened. He did speak to you honestly and openly. 

He did not see this as a match for whatever reason and ended things.

Are either of you married/living with someone/ in another relationship?

Whenever someone contacts you from a distance it's a red flag. 

Leaving him in the hotel was rude.  He didn't believe your story. You both know that. 

Nothing happened except you met someone once and it didn't work out.

[stillafool]

8 hours ago, Idonotknow said:

Thank you very much for the time taken ! ♥

" Funnily " enough , the friend wanted to discuss his almost-a wife´s  suicidal  wishes - She  has been battling depression for some time now. They have a little child. She ended up in a psychiatric ward.

Maybe you should tell this friend that the next time his fiance starts threatening suicide to call 911 instead of you.  What could you do about it?

Edited March 21, 2022 by stillafool

[Idonotknow]

11 hours ago, basil67 said:

What makes you say he was "worth it?"  You barely knew the man....and when he didn't get sex on demand, he rudely dumped you without even a conversation.  

 

His reputation ( what people say about him ). Plus his behaviour towards both me and strangers.

When I go on dates it is far from standard to be treated really nicely and with courtesy...

Also, we share same views on world and what we want from life.

[glows]

1 minute ago, Idonotknow said:

His reputation ( what people say about him ). Plus his behaviour towards both me and strangers.

When I go on dates it is far from standard to be treated really nicely and with courtesy...

Also, we share same views on world and what we want from life.

Maybe review that part about "far from standard to be treated nicely and with courtesy" as it doesn't mean take your date forgranted and treat them without courtesy as well. This was a mistake or a lapse in judgment on your part. 

You actually don't share the same views if you're leaving him waiting and he disagrees and no longer wants to date/see you. Look at a person's actions and review your actions too and the way it impacts others. You may be creating ideal or fantasy situations or assuming he or you are good together but you're not in actuality.

[Idonotknow]

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

Maybe you should tell this friend that the next time his fiance starts threatening suicide to call 911 instead of you.  What could you do about it?

They are not selfish / something like that. I know people  from the hospital ward so could  help. I offered help in the past when needed.

Frankly, I was not in so much hurry to get back to him ( however I was looking forward very much ) as my life has been far from beautiful/easy and I no longer expect people to love me enough to want to stay with me. But I guess everyone who has ever been abbandoned by someone battles that in life to some degree..

[Idonotknow]

2 minutes ago, glows said:

Maybe review that part about "far from standard to be treated nicely and with courtesy" as it doesn't mean take your date forgranted and treat them without courtesy as well. This was a mistake or a lapse in judgment on your part. 

You actually don't share the same views if you're leaving him waiting and he disagrees and no longer wants to date/see you. Look at a person's actions and review your actions too and the way it impacts others. You may be creating ideal or fantasy situations or assuming he or you are good together but you're not in actuality.

Thank you very much ( no sarcasm there ! )

[stillafool]

43 minutes ago, Idonotknow said:

They are not selfish / something like that. I know people  from the hospital ward so could  help. I offered help in the past when needed.

Frankly, I was not in so much hurry to get back to him ( however I was looking forward very much ) as my life has been far from beautiful/easy and I no longer expect people to love me enough to want to stay with me. But I guess everyone who has ever been abbandoned by someone battles that in life to some degree..

Even if you know people from a hospital ward by the time you contact them for info and get back to your friend with it who knows what would have happened.  Paramedics would know exactly what to do on the spot. 

And, if you weren't in any hurry to get back to your date (I don't understand how you were looking forward when you were in no hurry to rejoin him) he probably felt abandoned and that is why he didn't want to go further with you.

[ExpatInItaly]

Leaving your date for an hour was incredibly inconsiderate, OP. I get that your friend was in crisis but you could have handled it much more effectively without leaving your date hanging and wondering where you were and what was happening. 

In any case, it sounds as though you idealized this guy too much and had him way up on a pedestal without actually knowing him. Try to keep more perspective in the future, and be more mindful of your date's time and feelings as well. 

[Wiseman2]

20 hours ago, Idonotknow said:

I thought I would grab my toothbrush and some fresh clothes at my place ( very close to the hotel ) and only then come back and enjoy  the rest of the night uninterupted together  He agreed....I had to leave him waiting for almost an hour as my  friend was in a very desperate situation and needed help. I let Mr. Dream know and  he said " ok " .  Later I found out he even called me to ask where I was stuck but I could not answer the phone as I missed the call since my sound was still off since we stepped into the movies.

When I arrived to the place he did not even give me a chance to say " sorry  " and explain myself, just handed me some of my stuff I left there when I came to greet him after arrival and said  " I can at least walk you to the bus station ".

He knew you were not up for the hotel tryst (perhaps rightly so) through your icy demeanor. He also knew that disappearing for an while was to ditch him. 

This is why Long distance (requiring hotels for first meets) is  a bad idea. It also gives you a false sense of rapport through texting until you can arrange to meet.

 The solution is simple. Only date men within a driving distance where regular dating can take place and do not build faux intimacy through electronics.

[Idonotknow]

Thank you so so much for all the precious responses ! I appreciate them really very  much ! ♥

[Idonotknow]

So I have my answer now. He responded to my  older message on MSN.

Saying he was not 150% bothered by waiting as he took a nap in meantime anyway. But he " was planning on having sex with me that night  only as I am an enchanting beautiful woman and then tell me goodbye as we are not a good  match when it comes to our personalities. " - Which is  such a crap, really. We both want the same from life and  enjoy the same  things. I  am just more dynamic than him but would never judge him for not  being like me. It feels like he must be looking  for  his identic copy.

I just did not like the kind of  book he was reading the other day and a  few minor things. I could  not put him off with my behaviour as I am educated, non-judgmental and generally a  nice  kind person.

Honestly, this was-is so [ ] traumatizing that I do not  feel like dating ever again. As the fear will stay  there underlying forever now. And I feel worthless. Even though my rationality says there is no reason for that..

He added " He does not really need to hear of me again. " - I do not understand why  so much hatery now when I was very polite and absolutely genuine. Even prior to the cinema he said that even when we stay friends only, I am welcome  to visit him in his hometown.. 

Of course I am going to respect his wish and never contact him again.

In order to maintain my sanity,  I am leaving thinking it is either some complex issue or being afraid of falling in love. As it seemed so intense not  just on my side...

Edited March 22, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[stillafool]

Why would you lose your sanity over not being compatible with just 1 guy?  Darling, there are millions more to chose from out there.  Next  him and move on.

Edited March 22, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, Idonotknow said:

Honestly, this was-is so [ ] traumatizing that I do not  feel like dating ever again.

I would explore this. 

This a man you met only one time. Your response to this suggests there is a lot of underlying pain that you haven't dealt with. It would be worth working on that, so you are better prepared for dating and don't get overly-attached to someone you don't know. 

[BrinnM]

Sorry this happened. But look at it that way:

In retrospect, you were rude leaving him for an hour. BUT - it’s all good because obviously he only traveled to your town to get laid (or he decided to get laid, nothing more, after he met you in person). So - good for you that he left before sex! You should be glad. Otherwise you’d probably feel worse and used. He was not a catch!!

(Which reminds me: How do you know about his reputation when he’s from a different town, and you have no friends in common?)