Seems like I just have no success with dating apps.

[Weezy1973]

44 minutes ago, Uptown182 said:

To be honest, most of the men I seem to meet don’t want children.  

That makes sense especially if they know your age from your profile. So it’s possible a lot of these guys aren’t interested in commitment so if you’re reserved on your first date they realize something casual is off the table so they lose interest.

 

Or they’re just not that into you. You said you weren’t interested in half of the guys you met too right? 

[stillafool]

17 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

at 40 youare in the problem area in dating same age men.  They can be attractive enough and well established thst thry can get someone 10 yrs younger than you easily…especially if they are open to ghaving kids.

This does seem to be a problem for women in this age range wanting a mate in this age range.  I have 2 friends whose daughters in their mid 20s are dating 40 and 41 year old men.  I'm not understanding why women that age want a man that much older.   When I was 25 I wouldn't even date guys in their 30s.  Something has changed and I'm not sure what it is.  Desperation maybe.  IDK because these aren't unattractive girls.

[poppyfields]

In my experience, guys only after a hook up will at least try for it, there will some escalation either with words or actions or both.

If shot down, they're done but they at least try.

[Alpacalia]

First dates are plentiful for you. Even if these dates have not yet ended in romance, that sounds promising.

If finding love was easy, so many of us would not be looking for it; I think you have simply yet to meet someone with whom you have been in sync. Not everyone will click with you.

It's like reading a new book on first dates. Personal truths (without oversharing) make people feel closer to you. Here's when the masks we wear when meeting someone for the first time start to come off. But not too much, otherwise it's little more than a yawn when you finish all the surprising twists and turns in one sitting. 

I also feel men often go into it wanting to impress you. He wants you to have fun and make you feel special. He needs to know that you like and appreciate his efforts. Feeling good about a date is about making him feel good about himself and about being with you.

It's simple, but it's art.

[Uptown182]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

That makes sense especially if they know your age from your profile. So it’s possible a lot of these guys aren’t interested in commitment so if you’re reserved on your first date they realize something casual is off the table so they lose interest.

 

 

Yes, that’s a really good point, and the impression I got. Also technically I can still have kids, as I did freeze my eggs (I know that’s no guarantee and that’s a whole different conversation) but that’s not something these guys are aware of.  

 

of course like you said there’s always the possibility they’re just not into me, but I just figure someone has to be lol

Edited March 21, 2022 by Uptown182

[Uptown182]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

In my experience, guys only after a hook up will at least try for it, there will some escalation either with words or actions or both.

If shot down, they're done but they at least try.

That’s if they feel there’s an opening.  Also most men just know, they know if a girl will be down and they know if she won’t without the girl saying or doing much, it’s like an instinct.  At least that’s what most of the men I know told me

Edited March 21, 2022 by Uptown182

[Uptown182]

50 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

First dates are plentiful for you. Even if these dates have not yet ended in romance, that sounds promising.

If finding love was easy, so many of us would not be looking for it; I think you have simply yet to meet someone with whom you have been in sync. Not everyone will click with you.

It's like reading a new book on first dates. Personal truths (without oversharing) make people feel closer to you. Here's when the masks we wear when meeting someone for the first time start to come off. But not too much, otherwise it's little more than a yawn when you finish all the surprising twists and turns in one sitting. 

I also feel men often go into it wanting to impress you. He wants you to have fun and make you feel special. He needs to know that you like and appreciate his efforts. Feeling good about a date is about making him feel good about himself and about being with you.

It's simple, but it's art.

That’s a good point, I have a single girlfriend who’s 41, attractive, successful, very sweet and she has a hard time just getting a match on these apps let alone a first date, so I guess I’m ahead of the game in that aspect.  

[poppyfields]

3 minutes ago, Uptown182 said:

That’s if they feel there’s an opening.  Also most men just know, they know if a girl will be down and they know if she won’t without the girl saying or doing much, it’s like an instinct.  At least that’s what most of the men I know told me

That's fine, if you want to blame your non-success on men you meet only wanting hookups and nexting you without even trying, that is certainly your prerogative. 

I personally believe it's more than that, as it's every man you meet apparently and jmo but it might be wise to introspect and look within to determine if your energy is off and thus coming across as aloof and disinterested as you mentioned earlier. 

Edited March 21, 2022 by poppyfields

[Uptown182]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

This does seem to be a problem for women in this age range wanting a mate in this age range.  I have 2 friends whose daughters in their mid 20s are dating 40 and 41 year old men.  I'm not understanding why women that age want a man that much older.   When I was 25 I wouldn't even date guys in their 30s.  Something has changed and I'm not sure what it is.  Desperation maybe.  IDK because these aren't unattractive girls.

Well I’m willing to date someone 40-50, but just so happens most of the men I’ve been on dates with have been in their early 40’s.  My ex was 10 years older than me, and I think I’d prefer someone closer to that age range however most of the profiles I come across in the age range of 48-50, look about 60 years old so my guess is they’re lying about their age.

[Uptown182]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

That's fine, if you want to blame your non-success on men you meet only wanting hookups and nexting you without even trying, that is certainly your prerogative. 

I personally believe it's more than that, as it's every man you meet apparently and jmo but it might be wise to introspect and look within to determine if your energy is off and thus coming across as aloof and disinterested as you mentioned earlier. 

That’s not what I said. You must not have read my whole comment.  It’s a possibility is what I meant. I also said they may just not be into me.  It’s obviously not EVERY man I meet as I’ve been in relationships before. I also clarified the situation in one of my responses saying it was actually 6 men not 10, and two out of the 6 did contact me again so they were somewhat interested 

Edited March 21, 2022 by Uptown182

[poppyfields]

11 minutes ago, Uptown182 said:

That’s not what I said

OK well apologies if I misinterpreted.

You never answered my earlier question, do you reach out after the meet?   The men you like and are attracted to of course. 

As I said, many men need that green light and gentle nudge if they're unsure of your interest in them. 

I sometimes read a popular men's forum and virtually all the men have admitted to needing this. 

A window, a green light to proceed further. 

If you haven't, maybe try it next time?  Experiment with it? 

It might make a difference, or not but you won't know until you do it, assuming you haven't.

JMO, good luck. 

 

Edited March 21, 2022 by poppyfields

[stillafool]

15 minutes ago, Uptown182 said:

I come across in the age range of 48-50, look about 60 years old so my guess is they’re lying about their age.

Unfortunately a lot of men that age have not taken very good care of their bodies and skin which makes them look older than they are.

[Ami1uwant]

12 hours ago, chillii said:

There it is , l've been reading along waiting for it although l was pretty cert with your first post it might be something like that.  Are you a bit that way in a relationship and just everyday stuff too, or is it just on a date with somebody new. Warmth is huge thing it's important especially in a female your sort of age. Try to soften your ways up a little, let some warmth and openness in , show your caring.

As far as talking before hand, tbh l think most people here haven't really had much of any real connections bc believe me , talking before isn't gonna hurt at all if your gonna be getting along later. l agree with pop l think it's crucial actually if you don't like wasting your time bc back in the day l found it either sorted it out and l knew not to even bother further, or it just grew. My ex w of 20 yrs and l still talk for hours, my partner and l message all day all night sometimes call whenever whatever when we're apart, makes no scrap of difference, we never run out. Mind you it could build false hope though bc sometimes you'll get along great emails or calls but then later in person - nothing. But eh , tis the ropes.

Also agree it's about quality not quantity and say it myself all the time. Be selective if your after something real and lasting better of with one or two things that are almost that 100 that are just silly. Be patient fine wine takes time.

From my experience, if you talk to much the date coukd go flat and have no conversations because you are misaligned with date frame.  If this is the case then first meet needs to be activity related to give you conversation items like going to a museum, to a farmers market, to a city park people watching, etc.

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

This does seem to be a problem for women in this age range wanting a mate in this age range.  I have 2 friends whose daughters in their mid 20s are dating 40 and 41 year old men.  I'm not understanding why women that age want a man that much older.   When I was 25 I wouldn't even date guys in their 30s.  Something has changed and I'm not sure what it is.  Desperation maybe.  IDK because these aren't unattractive girls.

i get it. These late 30s/early 40s have established careers and decent income.  An issue in dating men in their mid or late 20s are (1) career choices, (2) maturity, (3) not wanting kids in the next decade.

 

some refuse but many are open.

 

Some examples….

 

when I was going to college and worked retail.  A coworker of mine around the same age dated an older man around 40 who went thru a divorce.  He made decent money in his career 

 

a close friend of mine married first of the group if guys to a girl I knew thru jr and st ZHS. She was my age while he was 3 grades older.  They had a child, got divorced. Around 40 he got married again to a woman in her late 20s. They are still married and have two tw8n daughters entering their teens.

another friend of mine for his second marriage married someone about 8 yrs younger and they had kids. Now divorced.

 

my sister had had relationships with men 10 + yrs older than her.  
 

with men if they are older and want to have kids, but not tomortow,they go younger fir more time.

 

 

[SumGuy]

On 3/20/2022 at 1:28 PM, Uptown182 said:

...Just last night I had a first date and I enjoyed it, the guy was funny and made me laugh most of the night.  Mid date he asked me what I was thinking (I don’t like that question btw), I kinda dodged answering and flipped it to him.  He said he was glad he came out to meet me and that he was having a good time, I said I felt the same way.  ...  I guess I’m just venting and looking to see if anyone else is in the same boat as me? 
 

I will say I did meet my last serious ex on a dating app, but I feel like that was a one off.  

I'm in a different boat being a guy (but the same age boat when was dating).  From that perspective he may have been looking for your interest in a second date, sometime being good looking etc. can work against you where the other person is nervous you will say no so they hint and hope you say something to lower the uncertainty.

I get it is odd this fear of rejection at their age but hear and read of it all the time, heck myself at 40+ being told "no" for a second date doesn't even register on the emotional hurt front in life.

I also do not care for questions like "what are you thinking" but here a response to get another date would be "I'd like to do this again"  Not sure why he didn't say that, also not sure why he wouldn't ask you out again as your response you had a good time as well and glad you came out would be clear to me you'd say yes to a second date.   

Edited March 21, 2022 by SumGuy

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, Uptown182 said:

Yes, that’s a really good point, and the impression I got. Also technically I can still have kids, as I did freeze my eggs (I know that’s no guarantee and that’s a whole different conversation) but that’s not something these guys are aware of.  

 

of course like you said there’s always the possibility they’re just not into me, but I just figure someone has to be lol

it’s a combination of things.  A good friend of mine had kids post 40 thru special procedure.

 

im not saying you can’t have kids but the impression with the guys is I don’t want to rush to marry you and have kids. As a guy thry can have kids into their mid/ late 40s.

 

how you carry yourself on dates matter. If youare cold/ distant it will turn guys off. Thry are dating others so they might look at you as more of a build on your own vs a ready to play toy.

 

as I said before. You might be attractive to some, but not to all.  Guys have preferences.  They might prefer dark hair to blond, curvy vs skinny, small chested vs lArge chested, etc.

 

is there commonality is the guys you are dating? Do you know how to flirt?

[stillafool]

26 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

with men if they are older and want to have kids, but not tomortow,they go younger fir more time.

I imagine I would too if I were a man and had that option.  But then again there's something to be said about having your family while young, you get to enjoy grandkids and perhaps even great grandkids together.  That's priceless.

Edited March 21, 2022 by stillafool

[Uptown182]

22 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

it’s a combination of things.  A good friend of mine had kids post 40 thru special procedure.

 

im not saying you can’t have kids but the impression with the guys is I don’t want to rush to marry you and have kids. As a guy thry can have kids into their mid/ late 40s.

 

how you carry yourself on dates matter. If youare cold/ distant it will turn guys off. Thry are dating others so they might look at you as more of a build on your own vs a ready to play toy.

 

as I said before. You might be attractive to some, but not to all.  Guys have preferences.  They might prefer dark hair to blond, curvy vs skinny, small chested vs lArge chested, etc.

 

is there commonality is the guys you are dating? Do you know how to flirt?

I wouldn’t say there’s a commonality to the guys since I’m pretty open, my requirements are basically a nice person with a good job and  somewhat physically attractive to me.  I’m not a very good flirt when I first meet someone, I can flirt with someone I’ve known for a while, but I’m not good at or better yet can’t flirt very well with someone I just met.  To be honest, I think the last time I flirted on a first date was probably with my ex, but we just had very strong chemistry and clicked right away so it was effortless.

[Uptown182]

14 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I imagine I would too if I were a man and had that option.  But then again there's something to be said about having your family while young, you get to enjoy grandkids and perhaps even great grandkids together.  That's priceless.

Agreed, I just don’t think the men who are dead set on having children are swiping right in me lol, so I doubt I’m meeting these sort of men.  Plus a man in his early forties doesn’t exactly have all the time in the world to start a family either, most men don’t want to be in their 70’s when their kids start going off to college.  I think my best options might be men who are divorced and already have children, which I’m ok with. Only issue with those men is I find they’re usually not looking for anything too serious.

Edited March 21, 2022 by Uptown182

[stillafool]

5 minutes ago, Uptown182 said:

Only issue with those men is I find they’re usually not looking for anything too serious.

Or you have to put up with hateful step kids and their mother. LOL

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, Uptown182 said:

That’s a good point, I have a single girlfriend who’s 41, attractive, successful, very sweet and she has a hard time just getting a match on these apps let alone a first date, so I guess I’m ahead of the game in that aspect.  

Definitely.

Perhaps a combination of things and what SumGuy posted are at play.

Maybe you haven't been attracted to some of them enough to commit even beyond the first date yourself.

It's good though that you're taking steps to see why that might be so that's a good start!

 

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Uptown182 said:

To be honest, I think the last time I flirted on a first date was probably with my ex, but we just had very strong chemistry and clicked right away so it was effortless.

This^ was precisely my point and what you should be aiming for.   

Even if it takes talking to or meeting 100 men, anything less is contrived BS and a waste of time, imo.

Did you meet your ex on line?  If you did, did you feel a mental chemistry prior to meet? 

As I said, doing it this way, you will choose to meet less men, maybe not any men for a long time until you find the one you "click" with, like you did with your ex. 

Then, it all becomes effortless.  

Quality over quantity. 

 

 

Edited March 21, 2022 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

On 3/20/2022 at 1:28 PM, Uptown182 said:

I have no issue getting a first date, it’s the second date that’s the problem.

Then it's obviously not your age or anything in your profile. In fact your Stats seem more par for the course in terms of one-and-done being more common that not.

Also even if there was good rapport on the date some just are flaky, meeting others, or broke up a nanosecond ago and hopped on a dating app.

Just persevere. Retool your profile wit recent fun pics and just keep meeting men.

[Uptown182]

35 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

This^ was precisely my point and what you should be aiming for.   

Even if it takes talking to or meeting 100 men, anything less is contrived BS and a waste of time, imo.

Did you meet your ex on line?  If you did, did you feel a mental chemistry prior to meet? 

As I said, doing it this way, you will choose to meet less men, maybe not any men for a long time until you find the one you "click" with, like you did with your ex. 

Then, it all becomes effortless.  

Quality over quantity. 

 

 

Yes, we met online.  We met within a few days of messaging, but I can’t say that I felt some strong mental chemistry with him prior to meeting in person, at least not more so than with any other guy I messaged with and ended up meeting in person.  

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, Uptown182 said:

 To be honest, I think the last time I flirted on a first date was probably with my ex, but we just had very strong chemistry and clicked right away so it was effortless.

You can play the numbers until you experience this again. But as this post exemplifies, strong instant chemistry is meaningless if you’re looking for something long term. He is an ex after all. 
 

I found with online dating my success came when I knew what I was looking for. I knew I wanted to get married and was looking for my “forever” partner. Kids was a maybe depending on if our relationship was conducive to having kids. But I was quite specific. Initial attraction went way down the list as long as there was some minimum threshold met. 
 

Years later we’re still together and yes, have had kids…