Uptown182 Posted March 20, 2022 Posted March 20, 2022 Why is it some people have so much success with dating apps and some can go on 20 first dates and can’t get a second date no matter what. And I’ve seen the latter happen to good looking people with great personalities, so it’s not just attractiveness and personality that is at play. I’ll admit I’m in the latter group as well, I’m a pretty attractive woman by most standards, I’m fairly slim, well educated and have a good job. I may take a bit to warm up to someone and perhaps that is the reason I’m having difficulty with these apps. I have no issue getting a first date, it’s the second date that’s the problem. In the past year I’ve had about 10 first dates none of which resulted in a second one. To be honest half of them I wasn’t interested in so I wouldn’t have went on a second date, but the other half I was open to second date with. Just last night I had a first date and I enjoyed it, the guy was funny and made me laugh most of the night. Mid date he asked me what I was thinking (I don’t like that question btw), I kinda dodged answering and flipped it to him. He said he was glad he came out to meet me and that he was having a good time, I said I felt the same way. He then said he felt like I had been enjoying myself more the past half hour (which I guess was because I was laughing a lot). But other than that moment I didn’t really get the vibe that he was super into me even though he did hint at us going out again. Anyway the night ended with one of those “I had a good time, take care and get home safe” which to me always means bo interest. I get chemistry also plays a role, but I just feel like I’m doing something wrong, or perhaps coming off as aloof or disinterested. However I’ve also had dates where I know I acted interested, and still nothing. I guess I’m just venting and looking to see if anyone else is in the same boat as me? I will say I did meet my last serious ex on a dating app, but I feel like that was a one off.
glows Posted March 20, 2022 Posted March 20, 2022 He made a comment about you seeming to enjoy yourself later on which suggests you may have seemed a bit tense early on. If you like someone at the end of a first meet tell them you had a good time and be more open about the idea of seeing them again. Do you have any hobbies aside from your work?
Ami1uwant Posted March 20, 2022 Posted March 20, 2022 (edited) The issue probably is on your end if you are having many first dates but no second dates. 1 you body language is saying I’m not having fun 2. How you are talking. Is it self absorbed…ne me me 3. This has been talked about in many books on dating and articles on dating— men don’t like this being like a job interview where they say I’d hire you fir a job but I don’t want to date you. 4. you aren’t showing signs of interest. Guys might be respectful of women and might want the woman to initiate contact of interest like holding hands. 5. Something in your conversations loses interest. You might be getting men that don’t fit you for other reasons like (1) politically different like you are very liberal/ conservative in a very conservative/ liberal area (2) your career is very white collar/ high income and they are blue collar or they feel they won’t ever exceed or be in the same ballpark on future income. There is a long history of women wanting men who make or exceed their income and men who feel they need to make more money than the women to be successful (3) you might beat different points in life. If you are a late 20ssingke mom you are probably going to scare off many men. Or if you are reacently divorced and have teenage kids you might not want to have any more kids in mid 30s while guy is ready to have kids. So youare at different points in life (3) you can also beat different points in life where youare in your career and bought a house while they are more transient and not yet ready to fix a location. (4) you are picking the wrong people like in the surface oil and water like peop,e being opposite in interests or personalities. Edited March 20, 2022 by Ami1uwant
Author Uptown182 Posted March 20, 2022 Author Posted March 20, 2022 28 minutes ago, glows said: He made a comment about you seeming to enjoy yourself later on which suggests you may have seemed a bit tense early on. If you like someone at the end of a first meet tell them you had a good time and be more open about the idea of seeing them again. Do you have any hobbies aside from your work? I did tell him I had a good time when we were saying goodbye. I do have hobbies, but haven’t had success meeting anyone that way
Author Uptown182 Posted March 20, 2022 Author Posted March 20, 2022 3 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said: The issue probably is on your end if you are having many first dates but no second dates. 1 you body language is saying I’m not having fun 2. How you are talking. Is it self absorbed…ne me me 3. This has been talked about in many books on dating and articles on dating— men don’t like this being like a job interview where they say I’d hire you fir a job but I don’t want to date you. 4. you aren’t showing signs of interest. Guys might be respectful of women and might want the woman to initiate contact of interest like holding hands. 5. Something in your conversations loses interest. You might be getting men that don’t fit you for other reasons like (1) politically different like you are very liberal/ conservative in a very conservative/ liberal area (2) your career is very white collar/ high income and they are blue collar or they feel they won’t ever exceed or be in the same ballpark on future income. There is a long history of women wanting men who make or exceed their income and men who feel they need to make more money than the women to be successful (3) you might beat different points in life. If you are a late 20ssingke mom you are probably going to scare off many men. Or if you are reacently divorced and have teenage kids you might not want to have any more kids in mid 30s while guy is ready to have kids. So youare at different points in life (3) you can also beat different points in life where youare in your career and bought a house while they are more transient and not yet ready to fix a location. (4) you are picking the wrong people like in the surface oil and water like peop,e being opposite in interests or personalities. It’s definitely not number two or three since I generally don’t talk a lot about myself, especially on a first date. Nor do i shoot off questions like a job interview, I’ve had it done to me a few times on dates and hate it! As for the rest, all quite possible. I think my age may play a factor as I’m 40 years old, no kids but also live in a big metropolitan city so it’s not uncommon to be single at my age. And I also figure they know my age before they meet me so they can’t be bothered by it, plus I’m usually going out with men at least my age or older. 1
poppyfields Posted March 20, 2022 Posted March 20, 2022 (edited) Hello Uptown. Fwiw, here's my take based on what has worked for me. Spend some time chatting on line and developing a rapport before meeting in person. The result will be meeting lots less men but the ones you do meet you'll be more inclined to feel that mutual "click" and chemistry with. Two examples for me when OLDing was my last long term ex and the man I'm currently dating. Both times, I chatted with a ton of men, like maybe 50 or so approx. Most were a no go. My ex was an exception and the second man I met in person. We dated three years. Fast forward to now. Guy I'm currently dating was also an exception and the first man I met in person. We are still dating, and are now officially exclusive. I know there are people who advise meeting asap, with the result being what you are experiencing now. Meeting a ton of men in person and nothing clicks. My advice. Chat for a bit FIRST and only meet men you've developed a great rapport and mentally click with. Again, you'll be meeting lots less men, perhaps even just one or two, which is OK. Quality over quantity. It also makes meeting in person so much more comfortable and more conducive to feeling that energy/chemistry/click resulting in a second date and beyond happening. Worked for me anyway! Edited March 20, 2022 by poppyfields
Author Uptown182 Posted March 20, 2022 Author Posted March 20, 2022 4 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Hello Uptown. Fwiw, here's my take based on what has worked for me. Spend some time chatting on line and developing a rapport before meeting in person. The result will be meeting lots less men but the ones you do meet you'll be more inclined to feel that mutual "click" and chemistry with. Two examples for me when OLDing was my last long term ex and the man I'm currently dating. Both times, I chatted with a ton of men, like maybe 50 or so approx. Most were a no go. My ex was an exception and the second man I met in person. We dated three years. Fast forward to now. Guy I'm currently dating was also an exception and the first man I met in person. We are still dating, and are now officially exclusive. I know there are people who advise meeting asap, with the result being what you are experiencing now. Meeting a ton of men in person and nothing clicks. My advice. Chat for a bit FIRST and only meet men you've developed a great rapport and mentally click with. Again, you'll be meeting lots less men,, perhaps even just one or two, which is OK. Quality over quantity. It also mskes meeting in person so much more comfortable and more conducive to feeling that energy/chemisrty/click resulting in a second date and beyond happening. Worked for me anyway! I’ve done both talking for a while before meeting and meeting right away, with the same outcome. I tend to talk with the person for a week before meeting, in my experience waiting any longer means the person is not interested in ever meeting. I understand that may not be everyone else’s experience but It has been mine. 1
poppyfields Posted March 20, 2022 Posted March 20, 2022 (edited) With the men you've chatted with for a week or so prior to meeting, did you feel that mutual click/mental chemistry with them? Since you felt they were stalling or not into meeting you, it doesn't sound like you did, that the mental energy between you was there. I am talking about a specific feeling Uptown, not frivolous chit chat. I got on well with many men on line, had things in common, mutual interests, but I did not feel that "click" so chose to not meet. Since I felt nothing while chatting on line, I knew I'd feel nothing in person and such feeling is typically mutual in my experience. Anyway, I know my way sounds hokey to some as many people don't believe you're able to feel that click and mutual energy on line but I beg to differ cause it's happened to me, resulting in a relationship developing. Edited March 20, 2022 by poppyfields
Maldives Posted March 20, 2022 Posted March 20, 2022 3 hours ago, Uptown182 said: Why is it some people have so much success with dating apps and some can go on 20 first dates and can’t get a second date no matter what. And I’ve seen the latter happen to good looking people with great personalities, so it’s not just attractiveness and personality that is at play. I’ll admit I’m in the latter group as well, I’m a pretty attractive woman by most standards, I’m fairly slim, well educated and have a good job. I may take a bit to warm up to someone and perhaps that is the reason I’m having difficulty with these apps. I have no issue getting a first date, it’s the second date that’s the problem. In the past year I’ve had about 10 first dates none of which resulted in a second one. To be honest half of them I wasn’t interested in so I wouldn’t have went on a second date, but the other half I was open to second date with. Just last night I had a first date and I enjoyed it, the guy was funny and made me laugh most of the night. Mid date he asked me what I was thinking (I don’t like that question btw), I kinda dodged answering and flipped it to him. He said he was glad he came out to meet me and that he was having a good time, I said I felt the same way. He then said he felt like I had been enjoying myself more the past half hour (which I guess was because I was laughing a lot). But other than that moment I didn’t really get the vibe that he was super into me even though he did hint at us going out again. Anyway the night ended with one of those “I had a good time, take care and get home safe” which to me always means bo interest. I get chemistry also plays a role, but I just feel like I’m doing something wrong, or perhaps coming off as aloof or disinterested. However I’ve also had dates where I know I acted interested, and still nothing. I guess I’m just venting and looking to see if anyone else is in the same boat as me? I will say I did meet my last serious ex on a dating app, but I feel like that was a one off. I'm lucky to even get a date lol 1
dramafreezone Posted March 20, 2022 Posted March 20, 2022 (edited) 4 hours ago, Uptown182 said: Why is it some people have so much success with dating apps and some can go on 20 first dates and can’t get a second date no matter what. Why are some people great at sports? Why are others great in the arts, or in business, or in science? People have attributes and talents that tend to give them an edge in certain areas of life. Dating is no different. Dating is something that some are great at, most in the middle have mixed results with, and some have little luck. Think of a bell curve. Everyone is not meant to be great at whatever they want to be great at. Those that do not have skills and attributes that make them naturally good at dating usually have to work a lot harder at dating than those that have those qualities that most look for, whether that be looks, charisma, whatever. You can't change your looks and you can't change your charisma, those are things that people naturally have and grow into. The thing with dating though is that it only takes us finding one person to win. The odds may be in the favor of people that attract more people but literally millions of people who aren't good at dating have still won. They've just had to work harder at it, or were really lucky early on. If you really want it, you just have to understand the type of work that you have to put in, it's like anything else. Edited March 20, 2022 by dramafreezone 2
Happy Lemming Posted March 20, 2022 Posted March 20, 2022 4 hours ago, Uptown182 said: Why is it some people have so much success with dating apps and some can go on 20 first dates and can’t get a second date no matter what. So stop using the dating apps and go meet women in "real life". If "on-line" dating isn't working for you, stop using it... Go out into the real world, talk to people, meet women, etc. “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” - Albert Einstein 2
Ami1uwant Posted March 20, 2022 Posted March 20, 2022 3 hours ago, Uptown182 said: It’s definitely not number two or three since I generally don’t talk a lot about myself, especially on a first date. Nor do i shoot off questions like a job interview, I’ve had it done to me a few times on dates and hate it! As for the rest, all quite possible. I think my age may play a factor as I’m 40 years old, no kids but also live in a big metropolitan city so it’s not uncommon to be single at my age. And I also figure they know my age before they meet me so they can’t be bothered by it, plus I’m usually going out with men at least my age or older. If you are talking fir a week befire meeting you are screwing up the first date because normal 1st dating talking topics have bern done but it’s too early fir deeper conversations. Even being in a larger metro area and not getting married till later can also affect other things like 1. If you haven’t had a LTR or married by 40 what’s wrong with you coukd be going thru their mind 2. I’ve seen many 40 yr old women. Some com off as younger than that and others come off as mid 50s+. 3. you might not be as attractive as you might think you are. at 40 youare in the problem area in dating same age men. They can be attractive enough and well established thst thry can get someone 10 yrs younger than you easily…especially if they are open to ghaving kids. im older than you. My hobbies and interests are very important to me. I’d like someone who shares some of them since 8m not changing them. 1
Author Uptown182 Posted March 20, 2022 Author Posted March 20, 2022 (edited) 12 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said: If you are talking fir a week befire meeting you are screwing up the first date because normal 1st dating talking topics have bern done but it’s too early fir deeper conversations. Even being in a larger metro area and not getting married till later can also affect other things like 1. If you haven’t had a LTR or married by 40 what’s wrong with you coukd be going thru their mind 2. I’ve seen many 40 yr old women. Some com off as younger than that and others come off as mid 50s+. 3. you might not be as attractive as you might think you are. at 40 youare in the problem area in dating same age men. They can be attractive enough and well established thst thry can get someone 10 yrs younger than you easily…especially if they are open to ghaving kids. im older than you. My hobbies and interests are very important to me. I’d like someone who shares some of them since 8m not changing them. I’m probably on the younger side of 40 as most people think I’m in my 30’s. I take care of myself so I look pretty good, I’ve also done some professional modeling so I don’t really need to question my attractiveness. Also since I’m mostly meeting people through dating apps, they already know my age prior to meeting so if it’s a big issue for them I’d assume they wouldn’t meet with me. Edited March 20, 2022 by Uptown182
AngryGromit Posted March 21, 2022 Posted March 21, 2022 (edited) It's been awhile since the online dating scene for me, but from what I remember it was feast or famine. I go a month or two without any dates, then I'd get three dates with different women in one week. Before I started a relationship with my first Wife, i was dating three women for about two months, my fear was that if I narrowed my focus to just one, and she didn't work out, it might be awhile before finding someone else. After my first marriage I found it far easier to get dates with prospective mates. i guess the online dating scene was more normal in 2017 then when in 2005. Face it you have to kiss / date a lot of frogs before you meet a prince (or princess). You just learn have to weed out all the scammers, married but looking, sex hook up people to find the diamonds in the rough. Edited March 21, 2022 by AngryGromit 1
basil67 Posted March 21, 2022 Posted March 21, 2022 7 hours ago, Uptown182 said: It’s definitely not number two or three since I generally don’t talk a lot about myself, especially on a first date. Not talking about yourself could be a problem. While nobody wants a date who only talks about themselves, the whole point of a date is to get to know a bit about the person. This is going to be very hard to do if you don't talk about yourself.
glows Posted March 21, 2022 Posted March 21, 2022 8 hours ago, Uptown182 said: Mid date he asked me what I was thinking (I don’t like that question btw), I kinda dodged answering and flipped it to him. 7 hours ago, Uptown182 said: It’s definitely not number two or three since I generally don’t talk a lot about myself, especially on a first date. Nor do i shoot off questions like a job interview, I’ve had it done to me a few times on dates and hate it! You may not have a very warm personality and that’s not what a lot of people gravitate towards. I’m having trouble envisioning your date/s if they don’t involve conversation or questions. Do the conversations flow? Do you ask open ended questions? I’d also consider burn out if you’re feeling frustrated or negative or prone to shutting down, feeling the meets are pointless in any way. When I mentioned hobbies I meant in terms of sharing those hobbies and passions or speaking about them.
Ami1uwant Posted March 21, 2022 Posted March 21, 2022 (edited) 3 hours ago, Uptown182 said: I’m probably on the younger side of 40 as most people think I’m in my 30’s. I take care of myself so I look pretty good, I’ve also done some professional modeling so I don’t really need to question my attractiveness. Also since I’m mostly meeting people through dating apps, they already know my age prior to meeting so if it’s a big issue for them I’d assume they wouldn’t meet with me. Peop,e lie about their age on dating sites. you talk of being a professional model might make you come off as high strung or if you are pretty as you say a guy might look at you as too attractive or arm candy so they don’t want to deal with that in your conversations you might be coming off as guarded and not want to share things about you. Knowing what your hobbies are or what drives you ir what you are passionate about matters. in your frustration in dating might be showing in your dates as not interested despite what you say as just being polite. Edited March 21, 2022 by Ami1uwant
Author Uptown182 Posted March 21, 2022 Author Posted March 21, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said: Peop,e lie about their age on dating sites. you talk of being a professional model might make you come off as high strung or if you are pretty as you say a guy might look at you as too attractive or arm candy so they don’t want to deal with that in your conversations you might be coming off as guarded and not want to share things about you. Knowing what your hobbies are or what drives you ir what you are passionate about matters. in your frustration in dating might be showing in your dates as not interested despite what you say as just being polite. Yes people lie about their age on dating sites but very rarely do they lie to make themselves older. I’m 40 and that’s the age that’s stated in my profile so I don’t think that’s the issue here. I should clarify, I do talk about myself somewhat I just meant that I’m definitely not someone who goes on and on about myself. My dates are usually us both equally talking sharing things about ourselves. That being said, yes I may come off as guarded at times but I think one should be when first meeting someone. It would be a bit of a red flag to me if someone told me their whole life story on a first date. I think that’s the whole point of dating, as you go out more and more with that person the walls come down and you share more about yourself with time. My frustration may show in dates where I’m not interested or not having a nice time, but when I’m having a good time I don’t believe I come off as frustrated. I actually just recounted all the first dates I’ve had within the last year and it’s actually 6 not 10, so maybe I’m being too hard on myself. Plus out of the 6 two did text me after the date, one I wasn’t interested in and the other it just took us too long to get our schedules together for a second date so it just fizzled out. Edited March 21, 2022 by Uptown182 2
Author Uptown182 Posted March 21, 2022 Author Posted March 21, 2022 1 hour ago, glows said: You may not have a very warm personality and that’s not what a lot of people gravitate towards. I’m having trouble envisioning your date/s if they don’t involve conversation or questions. Do the conversations flow? Do you ask open ended questions? I’d also consider burn out if you’re feeling frustrated or negative or prone to shutting down, feeling the meets are pointless in any way. When I mentioned hobbies I meant in terms of sharing those hobbies and passions or speaking about them. I’ve been told I’m cold and I guess I may come off that way, but that’s me and there’s nothing I can do about it. But in general yes, the conversation flows and we both ask questions about each other. if hobbies and passions come up in conversation then yes I talk about mine, but it doesn’t always come up. 2
glows Posted March 21, 2022 Posted March 21, 2022 You seem grounded and I agree that dating is not all at once or a rush for anything. 1
chillii Posted March 21, 2022 Posted March 21, 2022 1 hour ago, Uptown182 said: I’ve been told I’m cold and I guess I may come off that way, There it is , l've been reading along waiting for it although l was pretty cert with your first post it might be something like that. Are you a bit that way in a relationship and just everyday stuff too, or is it just on a date with somebody new. Warmth is huge thing it's important especially in a female your sort of age. Try to soften your ways up a little, let some warmth and openness in , show your caring. As far as talking before hand, tbh l think most people here haven't really had much of any real connections bc believe me , talking before isn't gonna hurt at all if your gonna be getting along later. l agree with pop l think it's crucial actually if you don't like wasting your time bc back in the day l found it either sorted it out and l knew not to even bother further, or it just grew. My ex w of 20 yrs and l still talk for hours, my partner and l message all day all night sometimes call whenever whatever when we're apart, makes no scrap of difference, we never run out. Mind you it could build false hope though bc sometimes you'll get along great emails or calls but then later in person - nothing. But eh , tis the ropes. Also agree it's about quality not quantity and say it myself all the time. Be selective if your after something real and lasting better of with one or two things that are almost that 100 that are just silly. Be patient fine wine takes time.
Wiseman2 Posted March 21, 2022 Posted March 21, 2022 14 hours ago, Uptown182 said: Just last night I had a first date and I enjoyed it, the guy was funny and made me laugh most of the night. I kinda dodged answering and flipped it to him. I will say I did meet my last serious ex on a dating app, but I feel like that was a one off. Yes. Keep a couple of quality dating apps in your dating portfolio along with real life situations. You met someone through a dating app, so they do work. You're getting a lot of first meets so that's not the problem. Some of what you describe is simply the hit or miss nature of meeting new people. However some of it seems to be aloofness or awkwardness. Work on that aspect. 1
Weezy1973 Posted March 21, 2022 Posted March 21, 2022 @Uptown182 Yes it’s probably your age. You’re an attractive, educated, presumably successful woman who’s 40 looking for a similar package in a guy. Problem is an attractive, educated, successful man who’s 40ish has a ton of options, whereas your options are limited mostly due to the fact that all the men that want, or might want kids, wouldn’t contemplate a 40 year old woman to date. Which just leaves the men that definitely don’t want kids. And that’s a much smaller pool.
poppyfields Posted March 21, 2022 Posted March 21, 2022 (edited) 11 hours ago, Uptown182 said: I’m 40 and that’s the age that’s stated in my profile so I don’t think that’s the issue here. I agree it's not your age otherwise they wouldn't have messaged in the first place and wanted to meet. And admittedly you're quite attractive (former model who looks in her early 30s?) so it's not your appearance. 20 hours ago, Uptown182 said: In the past year I’ve had about 10 first dates none of which resulted in a second one. I'd love to be a fly on the wall during these first meets but since I'm not, I can only surmise that something about your vibe and energy is putting men off. I get some men might be intimidated by your looks if you're "too" attractive but that's few and far between. 20 hours ago, Uptown182 said: i get chemistry also plays a role, but I just feel like I’m doing something wrong, or perhaps coming off as aloof or disinterested. Well, you know yourself better than anyone and since you're aware your vibe/energy may spell "disinterested and aloof" it could very well be that. Men might interpret that as "stuck up" (sorry) or "entitled" (cringe) for lack of a kinder way of saying it. A woman's good looks can only take her so far and many men these days, especially the ones looking for more than just a hook up need something more. It may be on you to make more of an effort to show your hand so to speak. Speaking for myself, when I've been highly attracted, men have told me there has never been any question as to my interest, I'm very transparent, NOT with words so much as my body language and energy. It all comes very natural to me but if you come across as too guarded and "mysterious", while in the past men viewed that as a challenge, I have found men in today's dating environment are stepping away from that mentality of being the "chaser" and embracing a mentality that's more multidimensional. 20 hours ago, Uptown182 said: Anyway the night ended with one of those “I had a good time, take care and get home safe” which to me always means no interest No it doesn't always mean no interest and I'm wondering did YOU follow up the next day reiterating you had a good time and suggesting a second date? The guy may have had NO read on you and needed that. A window, a green light, a gentle nudge. Edited March 21, 2022 by poppyfields
Author Uptown182 Posted March 21, 2022 Author Posted March 21, 2022 2 hours ago, Weezy1973 said: @Uptown182 Yes it’s probably your age. You’re an attractive, educated, presumably successful woman who’s 40 looking for a similar package in a guy. Problem is an attractive, educated, successful man who’s 40ish has a ton of options, whereas your options are limited mostly due to the fact that all the men that want, or might want kids, wouldn’t contemplate a 40 year old woman to date. Which just leaves the men that definitely don’t want kids. And that’s a much smaller pool. To be honest, most of the men I seem to meet don’t want children.
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