When do you just give up?

[CK1dad]

Hello Everyone,

Long time lurker here but now I am frustrated in my involvement with someone and am looking for a bit of advice. 

I have been dating a lady since July 2021. Me 52 her 49. It has been a very push / pull dealing and I am wondering how to move forward and really if I am out of line around my thoughts. Met online and got on well. We do activities together, go on dinner dates, hang out at each others places, and are sexually active. Text often, chat on the phone often, and live about 5 mins from one another. She works out of town periodically for 2 -5 weeks at a time but we stay in contact with one another over text and also speak on the phone once or twice a week, when she is gone.

I really like her a lot, maybe too much. Really actually have not idea how she feels about me!?!?

I have been out of a 4 year live in relationship for 2.5 years, she out of 10 year marriage for a 1.5 years. Her divorce not official but tied up in waiting for the courts to finalize. 

In September 2021 she told me that she is not ready for a BF / GF type relationship as she was wary of drama. Hmm okay for now I can deal with that, I am in no rush. I do vocalize that I do not want a FWB deal or to be someone's rebound. Unfortunately I feel we have just moved to FWB and I am finding it very un-intimate. She will not stay at my house overnight, and always sends me home after being intimate from hers. I have slept at her place once since July 2021. 

It's very push / pull. When she seems to be in the moment I feel she is relaxed and has her guard down. Then the next time we see each other I feel she is guarded and feel pretty used and confused.

I want to speak with her on it but honestly I am afraid. At one point around January of this year I asked her what she "needed from me". She became super annoyed with me, accused me of being "too heavy". In fact we where in the process of booking a little trip with each other and she refused to continue stating that "I will probably make the trip too heavy". Geesh! We did eventually book the trip but have now had to cancel it as I have to have surgery. 

My thinking has been just to be patient, as obviously she is still straining working out being cheated on in her marriage and her divorce. I am now questioning what exactly I am being patient for.

Why do people post up an online profile and not be aware of their own limitations?? Just seems they check out the pictures! I did write in my profile that I was looking for an intimate connection with someone but that seems to have been missed. Hers said that she was in no rush, but after 8 - 9 months of "hanging out" I am out of line to ask where this is at or what she is thinking about me / us?

Perhaps I have just become a rebound?

Any thoughts? 

[ShyViolet]

It does sound like she's not interested in having a serious relationship with you.  She straight out told you that in September.  And then this January when you tried to talk about the relationship, she got mad and cut off the conversation.  She's making it clear that she doesn't want the kind of relationship that you want.  So stop expecting that from her.  Either accept things the way they are, which is just a "casual" relationship, or end it.

[ExpatInItaly]

9 minutes ago, CK1dad said:

Perhaps I have just become a rebound?

I think this is likely the case, yes. 

She's been seeing you for 8-9 months, and has only been out of her marriage for 18 months. She was still pretty fresh off the demise of that when she met you, which is made more difficult by the fact that her ex-husband cheated on her. That's a huge blow to sustain, and she is likely being very honest that she is just not ready for the sort of relationship you want. 

You could try talking to her, but it seems you already know where she stands. Her actions and refusal to get any closer to you than where you are right now say it all. All you could do is outline what your goals are for this, and decide whether her response to that is enough for you. Be prepared to walk if she says that she can't offer you what you hope for. 

[smackie9]

This is why we date..to find out what they are like. You can't possibly go by what they put on a dating profile. Some people don't know what they really want, some don't know how to express their expectations, some don't like being alone and will manipulate the situation, etc. You gave this one the benefit of a doubt she still is closed off...well it's been 8 months. You are not anywhere you want to be with this. This is when you say, this no longer works for me, this isn't working out, and is becoming a waste of your time because you are losing opportunity to look elsewhere.  I know it's not what you want to hear but it's time to quit it.

[Wiseman2]

25 minutes ago, CK1dad said:

Her divorce not official but tied up in waiting for the courts to finalize.  I asked her what she "needed from me". She became super annoyed with me, accused me of being "too heavy"

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately she is still in the throes of her divorce and looking for light and fluffy entertainment.

She's too angry and guarded from being cheated on in her marriage and seems to (falsely) believe that if she keeps this moat around her she won't get hurt.

Whatever the case don't ask again what she wants  or beg. Step way back from this. She needs a therapist/better attorney,  not a decent BF.

Since she doesn't want anything "too heavy" you're free to  pursue other women. Don't be her whipping boy for all her husband's sins.

Edited March 19, 2022 by Wiseman2

[CK1dad]

Hello Everyone,

Thank you all for the responses. Of course as you can all tell, not what I want to hear, but I do actually understand she isn't going to try or change anything for me. I was cheated on in my marriage and took 6 years off before I considered dating on a serious level again. For sure I don't beg and won't.

Not available, not going to become available for me. It's too bad as we are on the same page on a lot of things and enjoy the same activities. Still that is not going to change anything and I am sure someone out there has those same qualities.

I find the whole FWB / casual thing pretty blah. Great sex but I feel like s*** and a chump when I get sent home. I was okay with it at the beginning but now wanting more, its starting to stress me out, which is really not why I am looking to date.

Since we never have agreed to be exclusive or anything any suggestions on how to deal with dating others, or do I just go ahead? I haven't really dated multiple people at once or really like that idea. 

Edited March 19, 2022 by CK1dad
missed a word

[Calmandfocused]

43 minutes ago, CK1dad said:

Hello Everyone,

Thank you all for the responses. Of course as you can all tell, not what I want to hear, but I do actually understand she isn't going to try or change anything for me. I was cheated on in my marriage and took 6 years off before I considered dating on a serious level again. For sure I don't beg and won't.

Not available, not going to become available for me. It's too bad as we are on the same page on a lot of things and enjoy the same activities. Still that is not going to change anything and I am sure someone out there has those same qualities.

I find the whole FWB / casual thing pretty blah. Great sex but I feel like s*** and a chump when I get sent home. I was okay with it at the beginning but now wanting more, its starting to stress me out, which is really not why I am looking to date.

Since we never have agreed to be exclusive or anything any suggestions on how to deal with dating others, or do I just go ahead? I haven't really dated multiple people at once or really like that idea. 

Personally I wouldn’t advise that you start dating others … yet. 
 

Instead I’d advise that you finish whatever this relationship is, first and foremost. 
 

Never start dating others to teach the person you’re dating a lesson, and/ or when your emotionally attached to someone else  - which you are. This strategy never works, it backfires, and an innocent third party is potentially hurt too. Don’t do it now, you’re not ready. 
 

This relationship you have is not going to work out. She can’t fulfill your needs. You’d be best served to remind yourself of what you want and unfortunately this lady is not it.
 

Throw the towel in ASAP, give yourself some time to recover, then move on and date women who are looking for a meaningful committed relationship. You owe that to yourself. 
 

 

[CK1dad]

23 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Personally I wouldn’t advise that you start dating others … yet. 
 

Instead I’d advise that you finish whatever this relationship is, first and foremost. 
 

Never start dating others to teach the person you’re dating a lesson, and/ or when your emotionally attached to someone else  - which you are. This strategy never works, it backfires, and an innocent third party is potentially hurt too. Don’t do it now, you’re not ready. 
 

This relationship you have is not going to work out. She can’t fulfill your needs. You’d be best served to remind yourself of what you want and unfortunately this lady is not it.
 

Throw the towel in ASAP, give yourself some time to recover, then move on and date women who are looking for a meaningful committed relationship. You owe that to yourself. 
 

 

Hi ... okay you are totally right I am emotionally attached. It's not like it's been 2 dates, we have been seeing each other for a fair amount of time.

Thanks again!

[chillii]

16 minutes ago, CK1dad said:

Hi ... okay you are totally right I am emotionally attached. It's not like it's been 2 dates, we have been seeing each other for a fair amount of time.

Thanks again!

 

Yeah fully agree with calman and of how to handle things. And you will need some time yourself to anyway so don't go pushing yourself into directions you don't even like nor are even comfortable with. Unfortunately this one holds the cards in this and she knows it but l'd be 99% sure there aren't the right feelings there on her part to treat it all with any more respect than what she's been doing.

Things tend to work out in life and love when we genuinely do what is right for us and l wouldn't be at all surprised if you meet someone more suitable that feels and wants the same later on.  Good luck.

[SumGuy]

23 hours ago, CK1dad said:

...My thinking has been just to be patient, as obviously she is still straining working out being cheated on in her marriage and her divorce. I am now questioning what exactly I am being patient for.

Why do people post up an online profile and not be aware of their own limitations?? Just seems they check out the pictures! I did write in my profile that I was looking for an intimate connection with someone but that seems to have been missed. Hers said that she was in no rush, but after 8 - 9 months of "hanging out" I am out of line to ask where this is at or what she is thinking about me / us?

Perhaps I have just become a rebound?

Any thoughts? 

She has got intimacy issues (based on the no sleepover rule she seems to have implemented).   Justified or not doesn't matter much from your perspective.

Or to put it simply, she is emotionally unavailable and any thing that might lead to availability to increased bonding (such as a fun vacation) is too heavy for her.

Perhaps that will change, but when is anyone's guess.   suspect not anytime soon from your perspective and timeline.

My thoughts....depends on how much she fulfills every thing else you ever wanted and how rare that may be.  If she is your unicorn, then likely worth some waiting and effort.

If not, for me I just go with honesty and let her know this is not the kind of relationship and level of intimacy looking for and want to go find that.  Up to you if you want to agree to non-exclusive FWB if she proposes it.  Life is too short to waste on people who don't know themselves, at 49 if she can't see she is emotionally unavailable and really just want to hang and have sex from time to time then you are not her therapist to enlighten her.   

Also it is good news for her for this to end, she can find her counterpart emotionally unavailable and/or low libido man.  

This situation is stereotypically reversed, he is the emotionally unavailable one.  In my experience that is not the case, as many women as men are emotionally unavailable.  Nevertheless, all the advice women are given when men are emotionally unavailable can be gleaned for advice.  What is good for the goose is good for the gander.

[CK1dad]

Hello,

More and more as much as I don't like it the writing is on the wall here. If I hang around and "be patient" it's pretty unlikely that any more is going to come out of it.

I can just imagine after I have served my role as rebound that the next thing will be that she can't just go for the first guy after her marriage, then onto dating others at which point I will just be the second fiddle. If I keep going I will just be disrespecting myself. 

I am totally bummed because she checks a lot of boxes for my but ultimately not all the boxes. She is gone for a 2 weeks stint for work, so I will wait until I see her to chat about this.

I expect a take it or leave it type response so I am preparing myself to leave it. Don't feel like wasting my time making myself a priority for someone who has zero intention of even considering that.

Thank you everyone who took time to read and respond!

[glows]

Maybe it's your inexperience with separation and divorce or it's difficult for you to imagine her not being ready - whatever the case, she's not interested in anything too deep or committed with you. She's not angry with you. She is just not that interested in what you want at this moment in time. The biggest issue is that she isn't yet legally divorced and she told you specifically in Sep/21 that she wasn't ready for bf/gf and is wary of drama. That is a serious red flag and a sign someone hasn't healed from their past relationship. She may have put up a profile with photos but anyone is able to do that. It's up to you to read between the lines and decide when things don't add up. Her idea of "intimate connection" may be very different from yours. 

Staying is really on you. Don't let this keep going on if you're not happy or feeling fulfilled or feel that she's on a different wavelength. Her comments about you being too heavy are also signs she's pulling away from this, further driving your anxiety and making you feel worse. 

[Gaeta]

On 3/19/2022 at 2:44 PM, CK1dad said:

I did write in my profile that I was looking for an intimate connection with someone but that seems to have been missed. Hers said that she was in no rush, but after 8 - 9 months of "hanging out" I am out of line to ask where this is at or what she is thinking about me / us?

Her feelings are not going to change, you're filling a spot for now. I'm sorry you have to discover this the hard way but when you're online dating and looking for serious dating you have to avoid everybody that's not in the same mind set as you. She could tell you the same and remind you that her profile said she was in no rush, yet you went ahead and dated her. 

Time to end this. I don't beleive in dragging ex-lovers for sex or companionship, just end it and move on to someone better suited for you. 

 

Edited March 21, 2022 by Gaeta

[picaso3183]

I have to say I am in a VERY similar postion and it sucks. All the advice you have been given here I have, although I have been too silly to listen to it.

1. Do not multi date. I did this and met a lovely women. But it still left me feeling rubbish..why...because I have feelings for original girl.

2. The girl i date ( 8 months too ) also has same. She wants " light and casual" we are exclusive but nothing has progressed despite endless talks. 

What I will say is if you like her have one final talk..you owe it to you. If it is not a good response then walk away and block. I did not, a week later she reaches out and we are back at square 1.  But I am so caught up in this negative cycle i cannot end it now. Do not make the same mistake I did.

Good luck I know how hard it is to end it when you do like someone. But from what you said it sounds like it is for the best 

[CK1dad]

Hello Everyone,

Thanks again for everyone's responses and advice.

She came back from work earlier than expected and last night I ended things with this lady. Pretty bummed out about it, but it needed to be done for my own well being.

At the very least she did engage in a reasonable conversation about what is going on in our situation, but the ultimate answer was not ready or willing. At some point she felt that going on more dates and activities would help develop some connection. I declined as this just seemed to heading towards friendzone which sounds like just more and more frustration. 

So after some time to digest and deal with my feelings I will jump back into the dating pool. No rush just need to put this past me and let go completely.

Thanks again!

[chillii]

Sorry it went that way but you did the right thing by the sounds of  it.

Take your time get your balance and grounding back ,head and heart straight, just live life for awhile.

[CK1dad]

Hey Chillii,

Yeah I am bummed out for sure.

We met yesterday and went for a short walk. Nothing has changed, it was just an easy conversation mostly about where she is actually at. Funny it was the most down to earth, intimate conversation we have ever had. I enjoyed seeing her let those walls down for once.

We left and left it at that. 

During the walk I got a call about my surgery being done this Friday and so that will be a 3 -4 month recovery for me so that will give me some space and time for myself.

I am going to volunteer at a local bike race I was supposed to ride in but now cannot, so that will be good to develop some new friendships in that cycling community that I enjoy so much. Looking forward to that!

Thanks again!

[Allupinnit]

Definitely block her, I went through this with a man and when we tried again because he missed me, it was more of the same and I was even more hurt the second time around.  Those feelings of hope and unrequited love can linger for a long time, don't torture yourself!

I'm sorry I know it sucks a LOT, it's hard to move on when you don't feel there was anything "wrong" with the relationship.  Healing hugs; you sound emotionally very mature.

 

[Calmandfocused]

Op you sound like a very nice man with a good head on his shoulders. 
 

As much as this hurts, it’s for the best. For you! 
 

Well done! 
 

The only thing I would advise is ditch the park walks. They won’t help you. They’ll just hurt. 
 

 

[salparadise]

On 4/5/2022 at 11:03 AM, CK1dad said:

She came back from work earlier than expected and last night I ended things with this lady. Pretty bummed out about it, but it needed to be done for my own well being.

Glad you had the cajones to end it. She was extremely unavailable. Not willing to sleepover or allow you to, and the comment about you being too heavy were signals you should've recognized right away. When you're dating someone with intention you deserve reciprocation, and if it's not there you're wasting time and resources. This one had a position to fill, a role, and you were just right for her for awhile... as long as you didn't expect anything of her. Wishing you the best on your upcoming surgery and finding someone who enthusiastically meets you half way the next time around.

[picaso3183]

15 hours ago, CK1dad said:

Hey Chillii,

Yeah I am bummed out for sure.

We met yesterday and went for a short walk. Nothing has changed, it was just an easy conversation mostly about where she is actually at. Funny it was the most down to earth, intimate conversation we have ever had. I enjoyed seeing her let those walls down for once.

We left and left it at that. 

During the walk I got a call about my surgery being done this Friday and so that will be a 3 -4 month recovery for me so that will give me some space and time for myself.

I am going to volunteer at a local bike race I was supposed to ride in but now cannot, so that will be good to develop some new friendships in that cycling community that I enjoy so much. Looking forward to that!

Thanks again!

Your situation waa sooo similar to mine and I too ended it. Currently day 11 of no contact after a short relapse text to her.

Like you're case she too suggested more dates to " see where it goes ". I like you declined.

Definitely suggest no contact. It is so hard at first and even now nearly 2 weeks on I miss her alot. But what I will say is it gets easier and it really is the best way to move on..

You sound a decent bloke and like me you know what you want. You communicated that and if that constitutes "needy" or "full on" then you just aren't suited this person. Good luck! 

[CK1dad]

23 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

Healing hugs; you sound emotionally very mature.

 

Allupinnit thank you that was a very kind thing of you to say.

Thank you to every one else who responded as well. 

Sal you are right I should have ended it sooner. I was enjoying myself too much to care at one point to be honest. At the end I was getting frustrated for sure. I guess really it just kind of worked out how it needed to. At the same time I was putting walls up to protect my heart and that was making me feel pretty blah.

On the last big "pull back" I knew it was time for the conversation. The only good thing on that was I recognized the signs things where in the wind down phase and I started letting go at that point. Not trying to say I have fully let go but I am working on "Acceptance" right now.

Yes no more walks. I was glad we did speak again. It was a more genuine way to end it that the previous night. We left with a nice understanding and zero ill will for each. I remember this podcast I used to list to. The person would always say "if you cannot break up with someone in a functional manner you don't deserve to be in a relationship". So it was a good break up.

I just blocked her now. (that was really hard).

Thank you so much everyone!