boak1 Posted March 18, 2022 Posted March 18, 2022 I matched with this guy I knew who went to my school on a dating app and we have been texting for 2 weeks. within a day of speaking he asked if I wanted to go out sometime as he doesn't like texting for the sake of it. we ended up meeting up a couple of days ago and he organised everything, paid for everything, turned up early, walked me home etc. So many green flags. the date itself I found so good, we spoke constantly for 4 hours, had a laugh and had deep conversations. he asked me at the end of the date if I wanted to do something again and I said yes and he said would you like to do something soon yeah and I said yeah but I work a lot so might be difficult. he messaged as soon as he got home saying he understands he may have put me in an awkward situation asking me if I wanted to see him again face to face and understood if I didn't want to and that he could take the rejection. I said I genuinely would love to and that I had a lovely evening, he said he was glad to hear that and he had a wonderful time. since then I have heard from him but barely as he works all day and doesn't reply till around 7pm. He hasn't asked as many questions as he did last week (before we had seen each other) and today replied to my text then said right when are you next free. I gave him some dates (Monday and Wednesday evenings and then Thursday all day). he replied over 3 hours later (bearing in mind Ive only heard from him once today) saying Thursday? Im a bit upset because I want to see him as soon as I can. why does he want to pick the date furthest away? I am an anxious person and the first thoughts in my head are that he is dating other girls which is why he didn't respond to me tonight and why he suggested Thursday instead of the other days. Also I get he works in the day and isn't on his phone but a text in the morning would be nice instead of waiting until almost 7pm to hear from him. I have read the 'Thursday?' message because part of me wants to be like sorry I've made plans as I hadn't heard back and the other part of me wants to be like are you not free before then because I think he didn't think I was keen to see him again.
stillafool Posted March 19, 2022 Posted March 19, 2022 Do you work during the day? If so, you know that people can get busy, get stuck in meetings, etc. Maybe he's so busy he only has Thursday available. It's not fair to get mad at him for still dating others because you aren't in a relationship yet and just went on a date. Were you dating other guys before meeting him?
poppyfields Posted March 19, 2022 Posted March 19, 2022 (edited) 2 hours ago, boak1 said: I am an anxious person.. Yes, and the way I read this is you are allowing your anxiety to steer this ship and if you don't scale back your expectations, that ship is gonna sink REAL fast. I am not quite sure what you were expecting after only one meet/date but it all sounds positive to me. You had a great time together, he messaged when he got home, after some initial pangs of insecurity on HIS part, he told you he had a wonderful time, asked when you were free to get together again. You gave him dates including Thursday, and now you're upset that he chose that day and not an earlier one? Serious question but if you wanted to see him sooner, why did you tell him you were free Thursday? Perhaps he's busy the other days not necessarily dating other girls or maybe he is, again you only had the one date. Did you expect to be exclusive after one date? I get it, I am a one-at-a-time girl myself, I don't multi date but I am a bit more chill about it in these very early stages. Which is my advice to you - try and chill. Somehow you're gonna have to find ways to manage your anxiety because if you don't, that anxiety will control you and activate your fears which I am sure I don't have to tell you is NOT good. Lastly, please don't start playing "unavailable" games because he didn't meet your (in my opinion) unrealistic expectations. It's OKAY that he isn't messaging as much as he did before meeting you, it's unreasonable to expect a man to maintain that same pace after meet. He's met you, he likes you, he'd like to date you. He is being prudent slowing it down a bit, I see nothing wrong or off about that at all. Try and relax, slow down. Enjoy the process, enjoy the journey! Edited March 19, 2022 by poppyfields 2
smackie9 Posted March 19, 2022 Posted March 19, 2022 (edited) Ok sounds like this guy gets the bums rush a lot, and needs quiet a bit of encouragement. He ain't gonna chase you by the sounds of it. You like him a lot by your tone, which in a way needs to be expressed more to him if you want this ball to get rolling. So unfold your arms, and relax. Do your best to think of cute flirty ways to communicate with him. He did pick a day so that's good. I'm thinking he picked Thursday because it's close to the weekend. He's gonna ask you for a 3rd date.... dinner for Friday or Saturday night. That's my prediction, but it's depending on you and how you interact with him. Edited March 19, 2022 by smackie9
Alpacalia Posted March 19, 2022 Posted March 19, 2022 (edited) 4 hours ago, boak1 said: Im a bit upset because I want to see him as soon as I can. Are you trying to make yourself scarce? If you wanted to see him sooner and are now upset - why did you say this: 4 hours ago, boak1 said: he said would you like to do something soon yeah and I said yeah but I work a lot so might be difficult. Edited March 19, 2022 by Alpaca 3
Wiseman2 Posted March 19, 2022 Posted March 19, 2022 10 hours ago, boak1 said: but a text in the morning would be nice instead of waiting until almost 7pm to hear from him. Relax. He likes you and is interested. Don't allow your anxiety to smother him. Texting is not dating. Replying time is not a guage of interest. The main test of interest is asking you out, which he's done twice now. Take a deep breath. People have busy lives and so should you. Don't play games such as "sorry I'm busy" to punish him for not wanting to be a textbuddy. Either you're interested in him...or not. If so, continue to date, if not, move forward. But passive aggressive games get you nowhere. 1
glows Posted March 19, 2022 Posted March 19, 2022 (edited) 16 hours ago, boak1 said: I matched with this guy I knew who went to my school on a dating app and we have been texting for 2 weeks. within a day of speaking he asked if I wanted to go out sometime as he doesn't like texting for the sake of it. we ended up meeting up a couple of days ago and he organised everything, paid for everything, turned up early, walked me home etc. So many green flags. the date itself I found so good, we spoke constantly for 4 hours, had a laugh and had deep conversations. he asked me at the end of the date if I wanted to do something again and I said yes and he said would you like to do something soon yeah and I said yeah but I work a lot so might be difficult. he messaged as soon as he got home saying he understands he may have put me in an awkward situation asking me if I wanted to see him again face to face and understood if I didn't want to and that he could take the rejection. I said I genuinely would love to and that I had a lovely evening, he said he was glad to hear that and he had a wonderful time. since then I have heard from him but barely as he works all day and doesn't reply till around 7pm. He hasn't asked as many questions as he did last week (before we had seen each other) and today replied to my text then said right when are you next free. I gave him some dates (Monday and Wednesday evenings and then Thursday all day). he replied over 3 hours later (bearing in mind Ive only heard from him once today) saying Thursday? Im a bit upset because I want to see him as soon as I can. why does he want to pick the date furthest away? I am an anxious person and the first thoughts in my head are that he is dating other girls which is why he didn't respond to me tonight and why he suggested Thursday instead of the other days. Also I get he works in the day and isn't on his phone but a text in the morning would be nice instead of waiting until almost 7pm to hear from him. I have read the 'Thursday?' message because part of me wants to be like sorry I've made plans as I hadn't heard back and the other part of me wants to be like are you not free before then because I think he didn't think I was keen to see him again. Then don’t give so many options next time. Tell him you prefer Monday if he’s free. His specific question was when are you next free. The answer is you are free next on Monday. Save the questions/answers for in person conversation. If texting about logistics isn’t working, give him a call after 7pm when you know he’s not working and at home and sort out the next date. It can be planned over a phone call in seconds. Edited March 19, 2022 by glows
BaileyB Posted March 19, 2022 Posted March 19, 2022 17 hours ago, boak1 said: he replied saying Thursday? Im a bit upset because I want to see him as soon as I can. why does he want to pick the date furthest away? Because - he works. 17 hours ago, boak1 said: since then I have heard from him but barely as he works all day and doesn't reply till around 7pm. 17 hours ago, boak1 said: I am an anxious person You sound anxious. You are creating problems where none exist. You have been out with this man once. After my first date with my now partner, he didn’t text for a week. We saw each other once every two weeks for the first month. I felt like you - anxious and interested to see where this would go. Turns out, it went somewhere - despite the lack of communication early on. So, let’s not forget that you’ve only been on one date with the guy - you really shouldn’t be reading into anything or putting any expectations on him. 17 hours ago, boak1 said: I have read the 'Thursday?' message because part of me wants to be like sorry I've made plans as I hadn't heard back and the other part of me wants to be like are you not free before then because I think he didn't think I was keen to see him again. You are going to ruin relationships if you let your anxiety get the better of you and you start to play games like this. Monday - Wednesday - Thursday - makes no difference. It’s a matter of hours. Don’t wreck this because you are anxious and impatient. 1
smackie9 Posted March 19, 2022 Posted March 19, 2022 Well it's Saturday....hope the OP has a dinner date tonight
ShyViolet Posted March 19, 2022 Posted March 19, 2022 You seriously need to get control of your anxiety and stop over-analyzing every little thing he does and exactly how long it takes him to reply to texts. This is a guy you went on a first date with a couple of days ago. You are sounding very overly clingy and overly needy and it's going to cause you to have a very difficult time maintaining relationships if you don't get a handle on this. He doesn't have to respond to your texts immediately. Not everyone does that. People have jobs and lives. And even if he is also seeing other girls, he has every right to do that, because you are NOT in a relationship with this guy, this is literally someone you went on one date with. Just relax and don't overthink things so much.
ExpatInItaly Posted March 19, 2022 Posted March 19, 2022 21 hours ago, boak1 said: I am an anxious person Yes, and you are going to sink this ship before it even leaves port if you don't get a handle on your anxiety. You need to be careful not to let fear and insecurity sabotage what could be a lovely thing. Breathe. Relax. You have another date lined up. Go and enjoy and don't be your own worst enemy. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted March 19, 2022 Posted March 19, 2022 (edited) Yes, your worry s getting in the way here, but sounds like you need some practical advice. You are getting way too invested in this person too soon. What that means is you're acting as if your life hinges on the speed of reaction of this one person who you've met what, once in person? So as one of my exes used to say, you need to get a life outside of dating. Not just a little life, but a big life. As in you want to have enough activities and friend meetings and even other dates that you are so involved in that you aren't "waiting" for the response of one guy. That's how you manage your anxiety. The problem most likely goes beyond this particular occasion. Basically set up some other dates. Keep meeting people. If you don't like the pace this is guy is going at, then get involved with joy with the rest of your life. Now, there's a catch here. You can't just create a great life outside of dating in order to impress people, though it will impress people. You don't want to create a great life outside of dating just to seem to be "hard to get." But if you do create a great life outside of dating, you will be less available and less desperate and less anxious and more confident and on and on. You create a great life outside of dating so that YOU have fun and security and you build your confidence and know you can have a blast whether this guy texts you back in 2 minutes or in 2 weeks. And set your standards. If he is too slow to respond in your view, then pull back and get involved in your life. And then tell him that he's kinda slow. You might well be picking up some distance from him, you really might. But right now you are so attached to going forward with him that you have concluded that his slow responses must mean a problem or that life would be great if he responded faster. Nope. Life will be the same basically whether he responds fast or not, whether he doesn't at all or not. Get your life going outside of dating. And go out on other dates. This guy is slow--that's a perfect sign to keep meeting people. Edited March 19, 2022 by Lotsgoingon 1
Versacehottie Posted March 20, 2022 Posted March 20, 2022 overly anxious from what I read in the first post
Author boak1 Posted March 30, 2022 Author Posted March 30, 2022 (edited) I have started dating this guy, he seems really lovely and we get on really well. We have been on 3 dates now and I feel very comfortable when I am with him. He doesn't pay me many compliments and hasn't really given anything away, but he is very actively planning dates and telling me where we are going which I really like in a guy. He has also brought up conversations about what he's looking for i.e. a long term relationship but he isn't desperate for it to happen but if it happens it happens. He knows about my relationship history and how I have some trust issues and anxiety around guys. He barely responds to me during the working week due to being busy at work, which I understand but he doesn't reply to me in the mornings before work or until around 7pm when he finishes his job at 3pm. at the weekends if he isn't busy he is much better at texting back but last weekend went out with his friends and I heard from him twice in 3 days even though I saw him online a couple of times. I said to him when he did respond if you aren't interested or not interested enough just be honest I can take it, just prefer to know because of what I have been through. he said he was so sorry and had been bad on his phone as he was really busy and had a bit to drink and said he was still very interested in seeing me and would tell me as soon as he wasnt. we agreed to be open and honest with each other going forward. we have seen each other since then and he apologised in person for that weekend and not replying which I thought was nice of him. Everything seems to be going well and I like him and have such a good time when I'm with him but I can't help my anxious thoughts when we aren't together. If he hasn't responded to me I constantly wonder if he's seeing other girls etc as I know he's on dating apps and has seen them since our dates (as I can tell by the distance of his location) which makes me so anxious because I am not the type of person to date several people or more than one person at a time but I can't say this to him as we have only been on 3 dates and feel its too intense to say this. im so scared of being hurt and I hate feeling vulnerable but I don't know how to get over this. Not hearing from him or questioning whether he wants to see me again after a date makes me feel physically sick. How do you get over anxiety like this...in person I get the vibes that he's really into me but the fact he doesn't go out of his way to message me throughout the day or constantly at night makes me think otherwise? im not even sure if he is interested Edited March 30, 2022 by boak1 added something on
picaso3183 Posted March 30, 2022 Posted March 30, 2022 Wow this was me. I dated someone for 8 months or so. I felt exactly the same. It has ended the relationship. Take it from me STOP it now. It will eat you up and sap the enjoyment while pushing him away. I get it, not judging you but do not make the same mistake I did. My advice, relax, txt him less and see if it develops naturally. Easier said then do I know but I was like you and it drove her away and drove me mad. Good luck
glows Posted March 30, 2022 Posted March 30, 2022 You’ve already posted this but since you’re struggling, it’s probably worth mentioning again. You are going to push people away like that. The other person doesn’t want to feel like they owe you something. It’s only three dates and he has been apologizing to you for something he doesn’t have to apologize for. Try enjoying other things during the day and avoid being addicted to your technology or checking up on whether he’s online. He has a life outside of seeing you. As long as you gauge he’s a decent person or someone you’d like to see again, that’s what matters. And regarding making plans, keep things simple and limit it to phone calls. Don’t hide behind text messages and get caught up with response times or minor details. Suggest a time to call and enjoy a conversation over the phone, make plans that way and enjoy getting to know one another. Do you experience anxiety like that in other areas of your life or just while dating?
ShyViolet Posted March 30, 2022 Posted March 30, 2022 It's not normal to be obsessed with a guy you have been on 3 dates with to the point that you're making yourself physically sick. This insecurity and clingyness is going to sabotage relationships and push people away. You already know that it's a problem, but you don't seem to be able to control it. You need professional help, to get into therapy and work on this. 2
BaileyB Posted March 30, 2022 Posted March 30, 2022 (edited) 2 hours ago, boak1 said: He knows about my relationship history and how I have some trust issues and anxiety around guys. I said to him when he did respond if you aren't interested or not interested enough just be honest I just prefer to know because of what I have been through. he said he was so sorry and said he was still very interested in seeing me and would tell me as soon as he wasn’t. It’s not his job to reassure your anxiety. It’s only been three dates. It’s your responsibility to learn how to manage your anxiety - and if it’s such that you are feeling physically sick, you should really seek some counselling if possible. 2 hours ago, boak1 said: If he hasn't responded to me I constantly wonder if he's seeing other girls etc as I know he's on dating apps and has seen them since our dates (as I can tell by the distance of his location) which makes me so anxious because I am not the type of person to date several people or more than one person at a time but I can't say this to him as we have only been on 3 dates and feel its too intense to say this. im so scared of being hurt and I hate feeling vulnerable but I don't know how to get over this. First things first, you need to make yourself busy. You are way too invested if you are saying that you are scared if being hurt and hate feeling vulnerable after three dates - you are not actually in a relationship with this man yet! Find something else to do so that you are not stalking his location and sitting by your phone waiting for him to call - of course, that is only going to heighten your anxiety. And finally, if this guy isn’t communicating regularly… If he is actually multi-dating (and not, I said actually because you don’t know that’s what he is doing based on his location)… maybe he is not the guy for you. If he is going to engage in behaviors that trigger your anxiety this badly, maybe you are not ready to date or maybe you need to find someone who is not multi-dating. Just a thought. I wish you well, anxiety can be debilitating. Try to remember - you will not be hurt by this guy because you are not yet in a relationship with him. And if he does hurt you, someday, you will get through it. For now, my advice would be to find something else to do so that you are not sitting around thinking about him. And, I really hope that you get some help for your anxiety. Edited March 30, 2022 by BaileyB 1
stillafool Posted March 30, 2022 Posted March 30, 2022 3 hours ago, boak1 said: How do you get over anxiety like this...in person I get the vibes that he's really into me but the fact he doesn't go out of his way to message me throughout the day or constantly at night makes me think otherwise? im not even sure if he is interested You will know if he's still interested if he keeps asking you out. Until then try to chill out and see a doctor about meds for your anxiety. 1
poppyfields Posted March 31, 2022 Posted March 31, 2022 (edited) 4 hours ago, boak1 said: In person I get the vibes that he's really into me but the fact he doesn't go out of his way to message me throughout the day or constantly at night makes me think otherwise? im not even sure if he is interested. Here's what you should do or try to do. When you're apart, focus on the bolded above. That's it, keep all other noise out, like he's not interested, etc. When anxious thoughts like that arise, ask yourself where those thoughts come from, again focusing on how great your in-person dates are, how attentive he is, how great he makes you feel IN PERSON. That is what I have learned to do and it's made a huge difference in my dating experiences. For the better! When apart, I think only good thoughts about how great our last date was and ask myself "why wouldn't he call me again, we're both extremely attracted and our last date was awesome"!! Force anxious insecure thoughts out, they have no place, NOT when you get such strong positive vibes when together. Again, focus solely on that. Edited March 31, 2022 by poppyfields
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