When you really love your boyfriend but nothing is changing - what would you do?

[Saff28]

Me and my partner have been going out just over a year and have lived together from the beginning of the relationship. It was super intense for a long time and we're like best friends. Things started going downhill and we argued a lot and had a lot of repetitive conversations where nothing ended up changing. I cheated on him - I feel awful for what I did and severely regret it and take accountability for what I did. I explained the reasons behind this to him (no longer feel appreciated, listened to etc) and he decided he would take a second shot and agree to go to counselling. Fast forward to now we're a lot more transparent and honest about everything with each other however still nothing is changing. He did a few sessions of counselling then quit and takes out his anger and aggrevations through passive aggressive jokes that hurt my feelings (told him about this) and I can feel he resents me and expects me to do everything for him in order to make up. I've tried to explain this to him and why I think it's so important for him to go to counselling not just for our relationships sake but for himself  and now he is saying that he doesn't feel counselling works for him even though he promised he would when we got back together. It's frustrating because I love him but in all honesty I'm unhappy in the relationship but feel like I can't break up with him. He put in a lot to get back together after what I did and I feel like I shouldn't give up on him. We also have guinea pigs

can’t help but feel I need someone with more empathy and kindness, he’s very different to me but does not being similar matter?

Edited March 18, 2022 by Saff28

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, Saff28 said:

Me and my partner have been going out just over a year and have lived together from the beginning of the relationship.  I cheated on him. I can feel he resents me and expects me to do everything for him in order to make up.  I'm unhappy in the relationship.

Sorry this is happening. Why are you living together "from the beginning"? Whose place is it?

Do you co-own or co-lease or does one of you just stay at the other's place all the time?

The solution is to start severing ties and move out. Counselling does not fix this degree of way too much way too soon, cheating, incompatibility, arguing and unhappiness. Moving out and setting each other free does.

[glows]

It was only a year and you both have hit troubles. Are either of you stuck financially where you must live together? Why did you decide to live together so early? 

Him being passive aggressive doesn’t suggest he respects you or loves you. 

[smackie9]

Ok this is why we date/live together...to really see who they are as a person and how they treat you...well he is not a good person and you can't handle it. Sorry hun, but love ain't gonna cut it. Moving on is a good thing. It will make you a better person.

Edited March 19, 2022 by smackie9

[Ami1uwant]

Only a year and trouble.  You cheated.

 

why are you trying to save this.

 

you make it sounded like the problem is all on him —likely is far from it.

[chillii]

15 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

Only a year and trouble.  You cheated.

 

why are you trying to save this.

 

you make it sounded like the problem is all on him —likely is far from it.

 

Exactly what l was thinking .

You love him love him but you couldn't even stay loyal 12mths. Not that he sounds perfect and l'm not saying that , but he didn't sleep around either , did he. And all the excuses in the world doesn't make it right , you get out of something first if it isn't working out.

At any rate you sound very incompatible , and l'd say you could strongly use some counseling yourself to actually whether you stay together or not.

 

 

[BaileyB]

Relationships shouldn’t be this hard. 

One year into a relationship, you should still be in the honeymoon phase. This is what you get when you move in before you know the person and you are sure about the relationship. 

You could have saved yourself a lot of time and anguish if you would have ended it before you cheated. Now, you have a relationship that still has a lot of problems AND you are trying to recover from infidelity. Not going to work.

I say, cut your losses and let this go. Healthy relationships are not this hard. 

 

Edited March 19, 2022 by BaileyB

[ShyViolet]

A relationship shouldn't have this many problems at only one year.  It's strange that you moved in together "right at the beginning of the relationship".  That is never a good idea and maybe now you are facing the consequences of that poor decision.  I'm sorry but it sounds like you are trying to revive a relationship that is fundamentally broken and unsalvageable.  You will have to face that reality sooner or later.  "But I love him" doesn't cut it and is not a justification to stay in a failing relationship.  You need to decide how much more time you are willing to waste on being unhappy.

[stillafool]

I don't believe in couple counseling for people who aren't married.  If you're at that point so soon it's best to cut your losses and move on.  He will never treat you the way you want him to now that you've cheated on him.  Men rarely look at you the same after that.  I don't know why you didn't just break up first with him and then see someone else.

[introverted1]

On 3/18/2022 at 5:11 PM, Saff28 said:

I cheated on him

It takes years to get over the betrayal when a partner cheats.  The recovery involves you doing a lot of work to understand why you cheated in the first place (and, no, the answer isn't because of how he behaved; cheating is a defect inside you) and to become a safe partner.  It doesn't sound as though you are doing this.  Worse, it seems you are blaming him for not being able to get past what you did.  For his sake, you should leave so that he can find a partner capable of working through issues, not using them as an excuse to cheat.