lovesfool Posted March 18, 2022 Posted March 18, 2022 Firstly I'll say that this post is probably borne out of frustration with the modern dating scene. I haven't had much luck with finding guys I like on the apps and then on the rare occasion I do, it never works out the way I'd hope for one reason or another. So I matched with a guy on Tinder. We had actually matched before about a year ago but it turns out that he got into a relationship which did not work out, hence why he's back on Tinder! Just to pre-empt any suggestion that he might be looking for hook-ups, when we did speak previously I kind of pushed the conversation in that direction and he quickly told me that he's only after dates which was nice to hear when he could have easily went along with it. From chatting to him this week he seems keen on going on a date, but he lives about an hour's drive away so it takes a little bit of planning. Yesterday he was coming to my city for a few drinks with a friend and he offered to meet up with me. I was a little bit reluctant because I knew it was a day out with his friend and that I'd be imposing, but he insisted that he'd make time. He even gave me his number without me asking, We were messaging late yesterday and he was asking me where I was in the city (I decided to have some drinks with friends as well) and suggested we "bump into each other" somewhere. So I sent him a message saying that I would be near the bar he was in at 10pm and that we could meet up then. He never replied and it's been almost 18 hours since I sent the message and it's still unread. I was really disappointed that it never happened, but it probably wouldn't have been the best idea considering we both had a few drinks in us at the time. What do you do in that situation? Do I just give up and assume he's not interested, or do I keep it casual and keep chatting to him considering nothing was set in stone? I just find it rude that he never replied, but he may have been very drunk and hungover today. Is that an excuse? I don't match with many guys at all so I don't want to overthink something and would like some perspective from others. Thanks.
glows Posted March 18, 2022 Posted March 18, 2022 I would not ever meet up with anyone while they’re out with their friends on an impromptu date like like this at 10pm at a bar, especially a stranger. Set some standards for yourself and avoid this. If someone wants to meet late, suggest something else. One hour is not far for commute. If he’s acting like one hour is a big deal then neither of you need to consider this as viable match. This was a casual hook up or meet from the first moment it was suggested so learn to recognize the tone and intention. He would be blocked instantly if it were me. No, he’s not that interested. Leave the apps alone for a few weeks or months and come back to it another time. Stay active in the local community and find ways to be busy and productive. Meet new friends locally and mingle. 3
Wiseman2 Posted March 18, 2022 Posted March 18, 2022 43 minutes ago, lovesfool said: he lives about an hour's drive away so it takes a little bit of planning. Yesterday he was coming to my city for a few drinks with a friend and he offered to meet up with me. Sorry this happened. As you mentioned dating with a bit of distance takes some organizing. While his extremely casual invite was not really a date it could have been used as a brief meetup just to check each other out. It sounds like that's what he had in mind. Try some quality dating apps. Perhaps a free on and a paid one. Reset your criteria as far as distance. While one hour isn't long distance a a bit inconvenient. Do not keep chitchatting unless he sets a date. 1
Author lovesfool Posted March 18, 2022 Author Posted March 18, 2022 6 minutes ago, glows said: I would not ever meet up with anyone while they’re out with their friends on an impromptu date like like this at 10pm at a bar, especially a stranger. Set some standards for yourself and avoid this. If someone wants to meet late, suggest something else. One hour is not far for commute. If he’s acting like one hour is a big deal then neither of you need to consider this as viable match. This was a casual hook up or meet from the first moment it was suggested so learn to recognize the tone and intention. He would be blocked instantly if it were me. No, he’s not that interested. Leave the apps alone for a few weeks or months and come back to it another time. Stay active in the local community and find ways to be busy and productive. Meet new friends locally and mingle. Yes, I was reluctant to meet for that exact reason but he insisted. I even said to him I'd like to meet before he has had a few drinks in him but it didn't work out that way. Just to be clear, this wasn't for a hook-up. I was looking for a date. I really struggle with the hook-up culture. A part of me wants to like it to feel a bit liberated but I don't seem to enjoy it. Is blocking an overreaction though? He's probably just back on the dating scene so is taking it slowly. If there were plenty more fish in the sea I'd probably just move on quickly, but I don't have that luxury unfortunately. I'm so tempted to send another message just to vent a little to him and say that I was disappointed but I know that would get me nowhere. I have been tempted to completely detox from social media entirely as it seems to upset me more than anything. I do tend to go off the apps for long periods but every time I come back it's more disappointment.
glows Posted March 18, 2022 Posted March 18, 2022 6 minutes ago, lovesfool said: Yes, I was reluctant to meet for that exact reason but he insisted. I even said to him I'd like to meet before he has had a few drinks in him but it didn't work out that way. Just to be clear, this wasn't for a hook-up. I was looking for a date. I really struggle with the hook-up culture. A part of me wants to like it to feel a bit liberated but I don't seem to enjoy it. Is blocking an overreaction though? He's probably just back on the dating scene so is taking it slowly. If there were plenty more fish in the sea I'd probably just move on quickly, but I don't have that luxury unfortunately. I'm so tempted to send another message just to vent a little to him and say that I was disappointed but I know that would get me nowhere. I have been tempted to completely detox from social media entirely as it seems to upset me more than anything. I do tend to go off the apps for long periods but every time I come back it's more disappointment. I have no interest in individuals who have no planning or ability to follow through with plans or fit me in late at night at bars after spending a day with their friends so yes I would block him and I wouldn’t have agreed to meet under those circumstances. If you want to keep chatting with him then nothing is stopping you. I wouldn’t vent or text him at all. Let him text you if he even remembers that you were supposed to meet. Why should you remind him? You are not his secretary. 1
Author lovesfool Posted March 18, 2022 Author Posted March 18, 2022 22 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry this happened. As you mentioned dating with a bit of distance takes some organizing. While his extremely casual invite was not really a date it could have been used as a brief meetup just to check each other out. It sounds like that's what he had in mind. Try some quality dating apps. Perhaps a free on and a paid one. Reset your criteria as far as distance. While one hour isn't long distance a a bit inconvenient. Do not keep chitchatting unless he sets a date. Would you suggest not messaging again unless he contacts me first? It's frustrating that he hasn't even looked at my message yet. I don't know why he has suddenly gone to ground after being the one to have organised the whole thing. He had plenty of opportunities to back out beforehand! 5 minutes ago, glows said: I have no interest in individuals who have no planning or ability to follow through with plans or fit me in late at night at bars after spending a day with their friends so yes I would block him and I wouldn’t have agreed to meet under those circumstances. If you want to keep chatting with him then nothing is stopping you. I wouldn’t vent or text him at all. Let him text you if he even remembers that you were supposed to meet. Why should you remind him? You are not his secretary. In an ideal world I would agree. I feel these days I have to settle for poor behaviour because everyone seems to be like that now. Modern dating I guess. 1
Wiseman2 Posted March 18, 2022 Posted March 18, 2022 12 minutes ago, lovesfool said: It's frustrating that he hasn't even looked at my message yet. He knows how to contact you. Don't double text. 2
Author lovesfool Posted March 18, 2022 Author Posted March 18, 2022 6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: He knows how to contact you. Don't double text. I knew the answer, but couldn't help but ask. Over 30 years on this planet and dating never gets any easier! 1
glows Posted March 18, 2022 Posted March 18, 2022 26 minutes ago, lovesfool said: Would you suggest not messaging again unless he contacts me first? It's frustrating that he hasn't even looked at my message yet. I don't know why he has suddenly gone to ground after being the one to have organised the whole thing. He had plenty of opportunities to back out beforehand! In an ideal world I would agree. I feel these days I have to settle for poor behaviour because everyone seems to be like that now. Modern dating I guess. You don’t have to settle for anything less than what you want in your life. 1
stillafool Posted March 18, 2022 Posted March 18, 2022 32 minutes ago, lovesfool said: n an ideal world I would agree. I feel these days I have to settle for poor behaviour because everyone seems to be like that now. Modern dating I guess. No, never settle for poor behavior. It's better to be alone than mistreated. 3
smackie9 Posted March 19, 2022 Posted March 19, 2022 First impressions count! You were reluctant for a good reason...he never made any true effort to arrange a proper date with you. You should have said no thank you, then blocked and deleted him right there. Why? because he wasn't that excited to have a date with you that is what his actions had said. Never settle for this kind of lazy crap half ass arrangement. Know your value...you deserve better than this. 1
Author lovesfool Posted March 20, 2022 Author Posted March 20, 2022 Just to update you - he still hasn't replied or even read my message. I see on Tinder that his distance is quite close so I know he's back in the city and didn't bother to arrange something. Blocked and moving on to someone else (hopefully)! Thanks everyone. 1
Wiseman2 Posted March 20, 2022 Posted March 20, 2022 12 minutes ago, lovesfool said: Blocked and moving on to someone else (hopefully) Good call. It's good to cut off timewasters like this early on. That drive-by "date" idea of his was asinine. 1
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