Ever broke up with someone for no particular reason?

[Kindle500]

Hi

 

I dated a woman for 4 months.  We met at work.  She is new and we started having lunch together and going for walks at lunch.  We hit it off and started dating.

However, within 4 months it lost steam for me.  I also saw some incompatibilities that for me were kind of deal breakers for me.

So I ended the romantic relationship.  I told her it just wasn't working for me, and that if I could not invest 100 percent in the relationship then I felt it would have been   irresponsible of me to keep it going.

She took it hard , but after 3 days we both agreed (to her credit) that we can at least be work friends and continue our work banter, lunches etc...she we have to work together.  So far it's working.

I also learned never to date a colleague in a professional setting.

My issue is that I feel immense guilt and I feel really bad for my decision.  So I am working on that.

 

Thaks

[chillii]

Well l dunno , you ask a question in the title but then don't ask the question.

As far as the title goes though , you had reasons , not no particular reasons , very valid ones.

[Kindle500]

I forgot to ask the question  in the post as well, sorry, and thanks for the response.

[glows]

Dating is observation and you did have reasons - incompatible. It’s unreasonable to expect her to banter with you on a regular basis so keep it professional and respectful, not overly familiar. Just because she appears to agree with you doesn’t mean it’s appropriate. 

Once you’re more realistic about your professional relationship you’ll heal also and move on. You need better distance and professionalism in your interaction with her or your colleagues. 

[Kamille]

You're both adults and handling it with maturity.

 

It's always hard breaking up with someone. No one likes to feel like they hurt someone else. On the flipside, it's also annoying when an ex acts like they hurt us and treats us with kid gloves. 

She gracefully accepted your decision. Out of respect for her, please find a way to move past the guilt. She's ok. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Kindle500 said:

within 4 months it lost steam for me.  I also saw some incompatibilities that for me were kind of deal breakers for me.

Good you spoke up and didn't string her along.

Losing interest and noticing incompatibilities are excellent reasons to cut your losses.

So this is not "broke up for no particular" reason

[Ami1uwant]

Everyone has treasons to end things.  They don’t have to be big red flag reasons like being a psycho.

[Kindle500]

Thanks all for your perspectives!

 

And I will work on the guilt etc.

 

 

Edited March 18, 2022 by Kindle500

[glows]

2 minutes ago, Kindle500 said:

I was 12 years her senior, so while we got along, we also differences.  Let's just say she drank enough that it made me uncomfortable

They’re valid reasons. Resist the urge to be overly friendly due to guilt. Keep things professional.

[Happy Lemming]

In my opinion, I call the first 3 months of dating, the "getting to know you" stage of a relationship.  During that time the person's true self starts to come out.  Most people can be on their "best behavior" for a little while, but eventually that facade fades and you get to see the "real" person.

It appears you learned exactly who she is and it didn't sit well with you.

I've had quite a few relationships fail at that 3-4 month mark, and I just move on to the next woman.

[Ami1uwant]

37 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

In my opinion, I call the first 3 months of dating, the "getting to know you" stage of a relationship.  During that time the person's true self starts to come out.  Most people can be on their "best behavior" for a little while, but eventually that facade fades and you get to see the "real" person.

It appears you learned exactly who she is and it didn't sit well with you.

I've had quite a few relationships fail at that 3-4 month mark, and I just move on to the next woman.

I agree…the timeline coukd be different.

 

it depends on how fast/ slow this is.  If you are only dating once a week is very different to you dating 3 -4 nights a week with sleepovers.

many start letting their guard down when exclusivity occurs so they can relax and start being themselves

 

[Kindle500]

44 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

In my opinion, I call the first 3 months of dating, the "getting to know you" stage of a relationship.  During that time the person's true self starts to come out.  Most people can be on their "best behavior" for a little while, but eventually that facade fades and you get to see the "real" person.

It appears you learned exactly who she is and it didn't sit well with you.

I've had quite a few relationships fail at that 3-4 month mark, and I just move on to the next woman.

Yeah, I mean she has great qualities.  A wonderful hard worker.  Very pretty.  A very gentle soul.

 But there were differences that just didn't work for me, and as I said it just lost steam for me.

 

 

 

Edited March 18, 2022 by Kindle500

[Happy Lemming]

Just now, Kindle500 said:

 But there were differences that just didn't work for me, one of them was that she drank more than I felt comfortable with.  Which gave me anxiety.  We gently discussed it and we just had a standstill about the drinking.

Yes... (about 12 years ago) I was dating this little blonde hottie.  We got along great, read the same authors, enjoyed the same things and the sex was AMAZING!  I had no complaints, other than her drinking.  It was just too much for me to get past.  Similar to you, I was uncomfortable with the amount and frequency of her drinking and I had to say good-bye to her.

Man... I get it.  I didn't take the decision to "break-up" with her lightly.  I tried to look past her drinking, I tried to convince myself it really wasn't that much or that bad, but at the end of the day... it was a problem I just couldn't deal with.

[Mrin]

Sure have. A couple of times. Things just didn't feel right although I couldn't tell you why. Intuition maybe?

[Kindle500]

21 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Yes... (about 12 years ago) I was dating this little blonde hottie.  We got along great, read the same authors, enjoyed the same things and the sex was AMAZING!  I had no complaints, other than her drinking.  It was just too much for me to get past.  Similar to you, I was uncomfortable with the amount and frequency of her drinking and I had to say good-bye to her.

Man... I get it.  I didn't take the decision to "break-up" with her lightly.  I tried to look past her drinking, I tried to convince myself it really wasn't that much or that bad, but at the end of the day... it was a problem I just couldn't deal with.

Yes, I'm glad you get it.  It unnerved me a bit and I felt out of my element.

 

Edited March 18, 2022 by Kindle500

[Lotsgoingon]

What do you mean: you had strong reason to break up with her. 

You are operating under the wrong assumption: we date for logical and non-logical (or emotional) reasons. When it comes to dating, if it doesn't feel (literally that simple) that's compelling reason to break up. When it doesn't feel right, that means our bodies/minds/nervous systems are picking up something that doesn't feel good, doesn't feel safe. We may not have the words for this feeling. That's fine. You also don't have a lot of words when someone puts a gun in your face. When we put our hand on a hot stove, our nervous systems pulls our hand away BEFORE we develop any words. "Hot" comes much later--after our hand is removed.

Your thinking here is quite sound. You only want to date if you feel overwhelming clear that you want to date. It's not unusual for people to start dating because it's easy to do so, but then a few weeks in, you realize, there's not much there to really compel you.

Your problem is your guilt. It's misplaced. In dating you have the right--indeed the duty--to break up if you're not feeling it---for (as employers say) any reason whatsoever  or for no reason. Feel guilty when you date someone that you don't really feel good about dating. In that case, you are misleading the person.

Dating is emotionally risky. We may dump others if we don't feel right, and they will dump us (should dump us) when they don't feel like the relationship is right. That's all ethical and honorable when it comes to dating--just as it is ethical and honorable to date someone who turns you on. 

Update your human resilience software: you didn't rob her or mug her or defraud her of her retirement savings. You didn't cheat on her. So your guilt is way way way off base. We do not date someone to do them a favor. We don't stay with them simply because they'll feel bad when we break up. 

Dating is not social work, as a friend of mine said. And that's the way it should be. 

Edited March 18, 2022 by Lotsgoingon

[Alpacalia]

Not broke up but stopped dating.

I think I was in my 20s at the time.

I dated someone whose hands were extremely small and, well...a bit girlie.

Manly hands I love so, well, couldn't do it. 

 

Edited March 18, 2022 by Alpaca

[Alvi]

6 hours ago, Kindle500 said:

However, within 4 months it lost steam for me.  I also saw some incompatibilities that for me were kind of deal breakers for me.

 

6 hours ago, Kindle500 said:

My issue is that I feel immense guilt and I feel really bad for my decision.  So I am working on that.

So, what's the alternative here? Continue dating her, marrying her and start having kids with her? Only to realize years down the road that you don't love her and never did.  Kidding of course but you did the right thing by ending the relationship that you didn't feel right about. 

[smackie9]

You went through a normal process of dating someone..that's why we date...to see if they treat us right but also if they intrigue us emotionally, intellectually, and physically. Not everyone is going to fit the bill. It is what it is. Of course there may be some guilt but in reality it's a sigh of relief. Everyone moves on/gets over it..

Edited March 19, 2022 by smackie9

[mortensorchid]

Everyone has their reasons.  They could be stupid ones (you don't like how they slouch) or it could be something very serious (they are abusive, do drugs, etc.).  Why did you end it with her?  You felt it wasn't right.  

Guilty feelings?  We all feel that to some degree.  I had a few relationships that ended horrifically and a few days later I was feeling either guilty or depressed or sad even though I didn't have reason to.  Why?  I had bad thoughts and feelings abou about things and didn't know what to feel other than just bad.  You'll move on with time.

[ExpatInItaly]

16 hours ago, Kindle500 said:

within 4 months it lost steam for me.  I also saw some incompatibilities that for me were kind of deal breakers for me.

So, in other word, you didn't break up with for no reason. Your reasons are right here. 

16 hours ago, Kindle500 said:

after 3 days we both agreed (to her credit) that we can at least be work friends and continue our work banter, lunches

This isn't a good idea. She is very likely going to remain attached and find it harder to let go. Yes, you have to work together but it would be wise to keep some distance here. She is going to get even more hurt and she's probably going to harbour false hope that you will change your mind. 

[Kindle500]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

 

Thanks all for your responses.

 

I think you all understand.  It started very well, I was super interested.  But after 4 months I just felt that I didn't want to date her anymore or be her "boyfriend" due to just simple incompatibilities (one was big) and loss of interest.  I started to become only 50% invested, and at 4 months I felt that I should not be feeling that way.  So the anxiety of being with her and feeling on 50% invested was eating at me and I just couldn't do this to her.  So I felt that this was best.

[glows]

1 hour ago, Kindle500 said:

Thanks all for your responses.

 

I think you all understand.  It started very well, I was super interested.  But after 4 months I just felt that I didn't want to date her anymore or be her "boyfriend" due to just simple incompatibilities (one was big) and loss of interest.  I started to become only 50% invested, and at 4 months I felt that I should not be feeling that way.  So the anxiety of being with her and feeling on 50% invested was eating at me and I just couldn't do this to her.  So I felt that this was best.

This is very natural and nothing that is out of the ordinary. It would take a special person to draw things out. She would have eventually felt you distancing from her and disconnected or aloof. Don’t fool yourself into thinking this would have lasted. You did the civil thing and ended it before it got to that point.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Kindle500 said:

due to just simple incompatibilities (one was big) and loss of interest. 

What was this incompatibility? Too many people hang on too long and try to force fit a situation in the early stages hoping for change.

Cutting your losses early shows insight and decisiveness.

It's kinder to set the wrong person free than to try to remake anyone into the "right" person.

[Kindle500]

26 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What was this incompatibility? Too many people hang on too long and try to force fit a situation in the early stages hoping for change.

 

Honestly, it was that she drank more than I felt comfortable with. There were others things as well, but that was the main one.  I even got some drunk texts and calls several times, which alarmed me.  I asked that she stop that, and she did, but every time i would get a text late at night I would get nervous.  We calmly discussed this drinking issue and she calmly said that she would never be a person who is going to have 1-3 drinks.

So as time went on I realized that lots of activities, even gathering with HER friends, revolved around drinking, taking shots, beer pong, bars etc... I'm in my early 40's and without sounding like a tight ass I kinda don't want to deal with that.

She defended herself by saying that we don't always do things that revolve drinking, which was true. but any social gathering I would see how important drinking was to her and her friends.

So the guilt comes from the fact that she is a very good person, who I see do amazing tings at work everyday.  But I know myself, and dating someone who seems to always have a drink in her hand just made me nervous.  And as I mentioned, there were smaller things, but that was the main one.