Helena_m Posted March 18, 2022 Posted March 18, 2022 Hi everyone, I am Helena, and this is my first post. As I am not a native english speaker, please be patient with my writing skills. So I am 31 years old, and half a year ago my boyfriend of 10 years broke up with me in a very very bad and traumatic way. I was really devastated, but slowly I started getting up on my feet again, I moved, and I really felt nice about my new single life. A night in a club I met a guy. It started as a one night stand, and I was cool with it because I am not ready for a serious relationship. However he started sharing a lot of detail about him, and we started talking a lot, even that night. So he is 10 years older, divorced (1.5 ago) and has a little boy. He told me all that before we did anything. So I was ok with this information, it doesn´t really bother me. After that night, he started texting me, and we were talking everyday (he used to be the one to start the conversation). And we met again, this time like a proper date, and we talked and he was really romantic and he was sharing information about his life with me, it felt like he needed to open his heart to me. The sex was amazing, and in general we had a great connection and chemistry. We met again, and the same, a great date with a lot of laughing and talking. He used to look at me and smile, and when I asked him why, he told me I was beautiful. Everything he did or said was very carefully planed, like little steps, but meaningful. I understood that; he had already been through a lot of bad stuff, and I knew he was afraid to mess up again. I could really see in his eyes that he liked me, but he was afraid. However, he was the one to leave signals suggesting that we had a future together and this was not a booty call situation. So after that last day we met, he called me crying. He said that he had to be honest with me, because he liked me and he thinks I deserve a lot of things. He said that he is not over his divorce yet, he doesn´t believe in love anymore, and that he doesn´t think he will ever have a partner again in his life. He told me he goes to therapy but these feelings don´t seem to change. And then he started saying how much he liked me and how we wished he had met me in another phase of his life. He indeed agreed that there is a lot of connection and chemistry between us, and he really enjoyed all the time we spent together...but he cannot give me right now what he thinks I deserve. So we continued talking that night, and then we started even laughing at some point. It all ended so well....which makes me feel confused. It´s like this is not the end, it feels like a pause. I will give him space, and I will not contact him, although he did suggest to stay in contact and I refused saying I am not the back up plan of anyone. I did made it clear that I was not looking for something serious, but I also got the impression that it was him that he would get attached and he was so afraid of that. I already miss him, and I do want to see him in the future. Although I know this was not a relationship, I will be applying the no contact rule...if he was so interested as he said, maybe he will be the one to text me... I don´t know, I feel so bad because I don´t usually find people that I like, and especially this one felt really special. Am I a fool to believe what he said? I think I did notice in his eyes this melancholy, and fear. But I also cannot forget the way he laughed with me, and the way he smiled while just looking at me. He mentioned many times that if this was the right timing, this would be something really special. I would appreciate any advice/experience on this topic. Let me also note that the fact that he has a child is absolutely no problem for me, since I do love kids, but I don´t feel like getting pregnant. Also he told me he really appreciated the way I handled the days he had to be with his little one, that I was very considerate, and he really liked that and he thanked me for it. Please help...I think that this level of connection in such a short time, doesn´t happen a lot of times in life. Thank you in advance, Helena
Wiseman2 Posted March 18, 2022 Posted March 18, 2022 6 minutes ago, Helena_m said: . He said that he is not over his divorce yet, he doesn´t believe in love anymore, and that he doesn´t think he will ever have a partner again in his life. Sorry this happened. Delete and block him. Unfortunately he was just looking for casual sex. However you claim you were as well. So no harm done. Unavailable people choose other unavailable people. That's the case here. When you are ready, willing and able to date and have a relationship, get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men for a low-key coffee . 3
Author Helena_m Posted March 18, 2022 Author Posted March 18, 2022 Hey @Wiseman2, thank you for taking time to answer to my post. Yes indeed I started with the intentions of casual sex, but the connection we seem to have really confused me...Am I a fool to believe that maybe he´ll miss me and text me sometime? Maybe 1
ExpatInItaly Posted March 18, 2022 Posted March 18, 2022 This one is over, OP. I wouldn’t expect to hear from him unless it’s for some more casual sex. It’s best not to give yourself false hope. 2
introverted1 Posted March 18, 2022 Posted March 18, 2022 1 hour ago, Helena_m said: So I am 31 years old, and half a year ago my boyfriend of 10 years broke up with me in a very very bad and traumatic way. I think you are still processing your breakup. Six months is not enough time to get over a 10-year relationship, especially one that ended in a "bad and traumatic way." 1 hour ago, Helena_m said: I did made it clear that I was not looking for something serious, Anyway, you say you aren't looking for anything serious, so why does it matter so much if the new guy contacts you? 2
Author Helena_m Posted March 18, 2022 Author Posted March 18, 2022 10 minutes ago, introverted1 said: I think you are still processing your breakup. Six months is not enough time to get over a 10-year relationship, especially one that ended in a "bad and traumatic way." Anyway, you say you aren't looking for anything serious, so why does it matter so much if the new guy contacts you? Because it´s the first time I meet someone like him, and I would really like to spend more time with him..
FMW Posted March 18, 2022 Posted March 18, 2022 You met him within 6 months of the traumatic breaking up of a ten year relationship. This probably had a lot to do with the level of interest you had in him. It's exciting to be reminded that you're still capable of forming new romantic bonds, that there are others out there that can stir your emotions. Having great sexual chemistry is wonderful, but it is only one part of forming a relationship that lasts beyond the initial attraction. This new guy is clearly not someone from whom you should expect anything more meaningful. See this as part of your healing and moving forward from your previous long term relationship. There really are others you will connect with and with whom you will feel chemistry, just take your time and keep moving forward. Holding on to hope for things to change with this guy will only delay the healing and growth. 1
glows Posted March 18, 2022 Posted March 18, 2022 Regardless of his headspace, he ended things with you so treat this as a permanent end. The generous read is he needs more time to heal and it’s him not you who has a problem. My thoughts are he’s just not that into you. It’s also over emotional (very emotionally charged) and TMI from the start. It’s charming when someone laughs a lot or turns all their attention to you but I wouldn’t mistake this for deeper feelings for you. I wouldn’t be able to take this man seriously, OP. He’s got a long way to go and he’s not interested in romance with you. Shake yourself off and distance yourself. No contact is good because he seems overwhelming. Date someone else when you’re ready. 2
Ami1uwant Posted March 18, 2022 Posted March 18, 2022 1 hour ago, Helena_m said: Because it´s the first time I meet someone like him, and I would really like to spend more time with him.. You know…he might not have been divorced. He might have been dating others. he might have felt this going to fast fir what he wanted so he backed off and ended it. 1
Allupinnit Posted March 18, 2022 Posted March 18, 2022 Been there. Things didn't change. Stay gone, trust me. 2
stillafool Posted March 18, 2022 Posted March 18, 2022 He was honest and told you he isn't over his ex wife and is probably trying to get her back. He too enjoyed the sex and time he spent with you but he's in love with someone else. I think if his ex wife doesn't take him back he will contact you again for sex. Other than that I wouldn't wait around for him. Since you aren't looking for a relationship with this guy it should be easy to move on to someone else. 2
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