scobro Posted October 22, 2005 Posted October 22, 2005 How long did it take for you or anyone you know to go from down in the dumps right after separation to eventually finding a loving relationship again?
allaboutchoices Posted October 22, 2005 Posted October 22, 2005 Hey, I'm following you:cool: My xH re-married a year after the D. I have found love and lost it few times since. He knew who he was and what he wanted. I am still figuring out who I am and what I want. I think it depends on how well you get along with your self. If you can offer love and communication, you will be more likely to find the true love. Just my opinion.
Author scobro Posted October 22, 2005 Author Posted October 22, 2005 If you can offer love and communication, you will be more likely to find the true love. Just my opinion. Thats great it gives me hope my ex did NOT know how to communicate her feelings even her therapist said that.
tonyp56 Posted October 23, 2005 Posted October 23, 2005 I don't know, I do know that I feel like most of the time I am going to be alone for the rest of my natural life! (I'm 28) I don't know that I'll ever be able to trust my heart with anyone again. Because the last time it got crushed, ripped out, then crushed again, and then burned, then, well you know. There I was thinking not that long ago "I've finally found the person I can spend my life with, thank god I don't have to go looking anymore." Now I am thinking, "how wrong was I, when am going to have sex again, let alone someone to trust my heart with!!!!!" I feel finished, I feel that at the age of 28 years old, I am done for good. I feel that I will never find a woman that will want to love me, or even give me a chance to love her. I've thought about this, I was with my wife for 11 years, that means that I will be almost 40 years old if I was to get with someone right now, when I hit that 11 year mark again. I figure at least 2 years before I am really ready to try again, and then god only knows how long before I find another woman that 1) is attracted to me and wants me, and 2) a woman that I have a connection with. Then god knows how long before we get to the point of marriage, and then, I will be asking myself "will this last?" So more or less I'll be 45 before I hit the 11 year mark again with someone else. If I am able to find someone! Hell, I know a lot of women that I'd like to date, fall in love with, etc. but I can't think of a single one that would want to be with me. Then, most likely, I'll be hit by a bus or something before then. Sorry so negative, but you asked how long, and from where I am sitting, I've got a long time to go before I'll find anyone!
allaboutchoices Posted October 23, 2005 Posted October 23, 2005 LOL, you need to change your attitude. Do you have everything else planned in your life? You married really young (so did I) and it didn't work out. And you got burnt again. So what. Learn from it. Not all women are the same, you will find what you are looking for, but not with attitude like that. You are going into a relationship thinking it won't last. Guess what, it won't:p . You give up before you try. Good luck
tonyp56 Posted October 23, 2005 Posted October 23, 2005 I said that is how I feel now. From where I am sitting, in this time, at this place, that is how I feel. It just hurts so much, and to even think about doing it all over again, kills me. I'm scared, ok, I am really scared that I will be alone, or if I do find another woman, she would just leave in the end too. I really believed that my wife was the one, and now to be destroyed by her, kills me. I am scared about giving my heart over to someone else, I am scared of trusting it with another woman, everything scares me right now. Sorry so negative, but it is truly how I feel right now. Add to that, I wasn't Mr. popular in high-school, I know that was long time ago, but guess what that is the only time period I have to base anything on. What has changed since then? Well now I am a or at least I will be a divorced man, I have three kids--though most likely I'll get to see them less than I would like, I am older--out of the prime of my life perhaps not by much, but still. This is a scary time for me, I am sorry, but I can't help that. Will I be this way forever, I hope not, but right now, that is all I can see. Thanks,
allaboutchoices Posted October 23, 2005 Posted October 23, 2005 I just read some of your other posts. Sorry for your hurt and for what you are having to deal with. You will be OK with time, but reading your posts I see where you are coming from. Hang in there!
tonyp56 Posted October 23, 2005 Posted October 23, 2005 Thank you very much for your words of encouragement. I will hang in there, it just hurts right now. Thank you though, it makes me feel better knowing someone else understands, or at least gets why I feel the way I do.
Woggle Posted October 23, 2005 Posted October 23, 2005 3 years. I foudn love when it was the last thing on my mind as well
jaye Posted October 23, 2005 Posted October 23, 2005 How long did it take for you or anyone you know to go from down in the dumps right after separation to eventually finding a loving relationship again? Well, some say that it can happen again, but i believe that you can only love once in lifetime.
smile95 Posted October 23, 2005 Posted October 23, 2005 tony--I am 29 and I still have hope that I will meet the right one.......maybe what jaye said is true about only finding love once, but ya know what, maybe you have not experienced love yet, so it is still out there! What you thought was "love" may not have been. That is how I feel now....hang in there!!!!
sundrop Posted October 23, 2005 Posted October 23, 2005 tony--I am 29 and I still have hope that I will meet the right one.......maybe what jaye said is true about only finding love once, but ya know what, maybe you have not experienced love yet, so it is still out there! What you thought was "love" may not have been. That is how I feel now....hang in there!!!! I second Beth on this one....
dgiirl Posted October 23, 2005 Posted October 23, 2005 Tony, I can relate to everything you've written. I think i'm the female verison of you At 31, I'm scared I'll be alone for the rest of my life. I dont want to be in a relationship ever again, and yet I'm scared that I'll never be in a relationship ever again. I was never the popular girl in highschool, have my own quirkiness that makes it sometimes hard to relate to people. I'm pretty shy, and never thought I'd be single again. I dont have kids, which makes things even more scarier, because I fear I might not have kids. But I try not to let these negative thoughts come over me. Try to focus on the positives in life. You now have the chance to find love again, with someone who wont cheat on you or leave you. You have a chance to change the things in your life that doesnt work for you. It's all about perspective. When you think positively, positive things happen.
tonyp56 Posted October 24, 2005 Posted October 24, 2005 Beth and Sundrop, Thank you, for telling me to hang in there, and thanks for your hope. (you still have hope). Anyways, I will hang in, and hope, I am just scared thats all. Thank you, and I wish both of you luck in finding your true love, and good luck in what ever you do in life. dgiirl, Yeah, your right, I too don't really want a relationship (it would be hard right now anyways--I'm not divorced, and even if I found a woman that wanted to get involved with me now, I don't know what I could give her, she'd be nothing but a rebound, and I don't want that). It makes this better to know that I am not the only one that feels this way, thank you for posting your thoughts, and in a way I am glad we share something in common. It makes me feel better and I hope it makes you feel better. That said, I wish you luck in finding someone that you do want to love, and not just someone to be with, but someone that you are happy with. Thank you so much for sharing. And I am sorry for what whoever did to hurt you.
Devildog Posted October 24, 2005 Posted October 24, 2005 Seriously, I think there are groups that come here in cycles. The separation and divorce class of 2005 or something. As a member of the class of 2004 I can tell you that it does get better. Just ask Yikes or MassiveAtom if you don't believe me! (If you can catch them on here anymore). We were all asking ourselves and each other these same questions. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56715 Check this thread out. It was kinda like group therapy for us. Perhaps it will help you, or inspire you to your own thread of that nature. Xs can do alot of damage to our self esteem. Especially since they are the ones we trust the most. They are in a position to hurt us the deepest. I spent 4 years in the Marine Corps, and I excelled in it. I had toyed with the idea of joining MENSA. And my XW managed to make me feel like the most worthless person on the planet. But all of you will get up again. You will find someone new that will make you feel good again. It just takes time. Once you get away from the poisonous relationship that was your marriage, the constant confidence beat downs, you will begin to feel good again. You will walk with your head up again. You will start to notice women looking at you, checking you out.
dgiirl Posted October 24, 2005 Posted October 24, 2005 It makes me feel better and I hope it makes you feel better. It definitely helps me and I'm glad it helped you Without websites like loveshack, I dont know where I'd be. Although it makes me sad that so many people are going through so much heartbreak, it also helps me realize that I'm normal. I'm not alone in my fears and insecurity. That people have experienced what I have, and have made better lives for themselves, in time. Xs can do alot of damage to our self esteem. Especially since they are the ones we trust the most. They are in a position to hurt us the deepest. I spent 4 years in the Marine Corps, and I excelled in it. I had toyed with the idea of joining MENSA. And my XW managed to make me feel like the most worthless person on the planet. But all of you will get up again. You will find someone new that will make you feel good again. It just takes time. Once you get away from the poisonous relationship that was your marriage, the constant confidence beat downs, you will begin to feel good again. You will walk with your head up again. You will start to notice women looking at you, checking you out. DD, thanks for posting that. I've been following your thread since I found loveshack. And I'm starting to come out of the fog and realize there was poison in my relationship, and my confidence was really low because of it. I'm starting to realize that I'm in charge of my confidence and it's actually nice to be able to believe something and not have someone put doubt into my head. I hope you do join Mensa. I read a little bit of the thread you just linked to, and I cant believe your ex would put you down for wanting to join it. She must have felt really intimidated by your intelligence and this was the only way to level herself off. I dont know about you, but I find great pleasure in doing things that my ex found stupid, just to spite him
Scott S Posted October 24, 2005 Posted October 24, 2005 How long did it take for you or anyone you know to go from down in the dumps right after separation to eventually finding a loving relationship again? I met Gina approximately 1½ years after my my ex-w left, & we were plantonic friends for little over a year before we started dating exclusively. We were married approximately 1½ years after that.
Author scobro Posted October 24, 2005 Author Posted October 24, 2005 thanks devildog that thread was great you guys were hilarious at times.You make a lot of sense.The talk about being with a woman for the first time was right on the money but dude 40 minutes:rolleyes: geeez what are you worried about i wouldn't be so worried if i lasted 40 minutes hell my first time I will gurantee myself the "two pump chump award" hehehehe.
Mz. Pixie Posted October 24, 2005 Posted October 24, 2005 Ah, DD! The old "Hear ya knockin" thread. I had forgotten all about that one. I met my new husband shortly after I separated. We were friends at first and then started to date. I really can't say that I recommend doing it in that order. I'm happier than I've ever been in my entire life, but that kind of moving fast isn't just for everyone. In my case, I'd been "emotionally" divorced for a long time- does that make sense??
Trimmer Posted October 24, 2005 Posted October 24, 2005 Go DevilDog! If my experience is any example, I bet a lot of the "Class of 2005" started out at LS reading your "friend with agenda" thread. I hope you realize how many people you've got rooting you on... And your point that groups cycle through the various boards is a good one - I bet a lot of us started out on the "Marriage" board, then gradually moved over to posting on "Infidelity", then ultimately on to "Separation and Divorce". Kinda tells my story, anyway. Sometimes, I kind of feel like this is the end of the line - my destination - but when I really try, I can open my mind a little bit and consider the hopeful possibility that I'll some day move on to posting in "Dating" and maybe even (be still, my heart) "Sexual & Reproductive Health and Practices"... My life as a Loveshack metaphor. (My driver's license says I'm 41, but that's 137 in Loveshack years...)
lilmoma1973 Posted October 24, 2005 Posted October 24, 2005 Two yrs and then i found the love of my life!! I found my H !! My ex was a player and cheated on me .. I thought i was in love boy was i wrong!!! Biggest mistake of my life and he got my virginity and he didn't deserve that !!!
RecordProducer Posted October 24, 2005 Posted October 24, 2005 After my ex-husband left me for the last time, I kept trying for about half a year to ressurect the relationship (I was so stupid!). Two years later I met a guy and was completely over the ex. That relationship lasted for 8 months. A few months after I broke up with that guy, I met my current BF (a year ago). We're in love. :love: I bet a lot of us started out on the "Marriage" board, then gradually moved over to posting on "Infidelity", then ultimately on to "Separation and Divorce"... ...when I really try, I can open my mind a little bit and consider the hopeful possibility that I'll some day move on to posting in "Dating" and maybe even (be still, my heart) "Sexual & Reproductive Health and Practices"... :lmao:
Tangerina Posted October 24, 2005 Posted October 24, 2005 I met the guy way too soon after having my heart broken for the 1st time (well, 3rd but final time by the same guy who was my first love, he kept leaving and coming back, wouldn't let him back this time) and it was scary but I wasn't looking to fall in love, just met someone great to have a little fun and romance with... it was kind of a rebound, which I am not proud of, but I tried to be honest and besides a bit of hurt on both sides it went alright.... we met one month after my ex broke up with me and basically 5 days after I barely started to come out of my post-breakup depression... so I was just starting to be on the upswing..... well, he really really liked me and I told him I liked him but was too crazy and hurt at the time to give much to anyone... but he stuck with me... and slowly I got over my ex and as I did I was able to open my eyes and really see this person who had grown to care about me and support me through all of the bull****.... now we have been together almost 4 months but it seems like much longer, and I am over my ex (turned out it didn't take much to get over him once I dealt with breaking my "addiction" to him, seems strange for how much energy I put into the relationship, but there you go) and well, I am totally in love with the boy... still a bit in the infatuation stage, but there is something big here and it is so much gentler and easier and more comfortable and positive and mutual than anything I experienced with my ex.... YAY! Woah, that is kinda cool, I accidentally swore in my post and it starred it out, neato....
tonyp56 Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 Seriously, I think there are groups that come here in cycles. The separation and divorce class of 2005 or something. As a member of the class of 2004 I can tell you that it does get better. Just ask Yikes or MassiveAtom if you don't believe me! (If you can catch them on here anymore). We were all asking ourselves and each other these same questions. Most likely yes, I guess I can say this, at least I know I'll graduate. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56715 Check this thread out. It was kinda like group therapy for us. Perhaps it will help you, or inspire you to your own thread of that nature. Thanks, that was a good read--though I have to admit, I didn't read every single post--way too many:). Xs can do alot of damage to our self esteem. Especially since they are the ones we trust the most. They are in a position to hurt us the deepest. I spent 4 years in the Marine Corps, and I excelled in it. I had toyed with the idea of joining MENSA. And my XW managed to make me feel like the most worthless person on the planet. But all of you will get up again. You will find someone new that will make you feel good again. It just takes time. Once you get away from the poisonous relationship that was your marriage, the constant confidence beat downs, you will begin to feel good again. You will walk with your head up again. You will start to notice women looking at you, checking you out. Thank you, I know this, but right now it is just too dark. I feel lost, but I am not done yet, and I am not about to give up--though I sound like it don't I?--I am hopeful that I'll find someone else. Thanks again DD, glad to hear that you made it through it. You were able to move on with your life, and so will I.
Outcast Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 So more or less I'll be 45 before I hit the 11 year mark again with someone else. If I am able to find someone! Hell, I know a lot of women that I'd like to date, fall in love with, etc. but I can't think of a single one that would want to be with me So? Let me tell you a tale. He was 52 and she was 48 when they met. They had both been married and divorced. Two years later, they moved in together. That relationship lasted 35 years. Think of your first marriage as a 'trainer' marriage. You've found out what you don't want and what you do; what to look out for next time. You didn't have enough life experience to know all this stuff first time out. Now it's behind you, you're older, wiser, and ready to make a much better choice next time 'round.
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