My boyfriend refused to take me to the ER

[photography1987]

I’ve (34f) been suffering from severe panic-attacks for the past 1.5 years and had to go to the ER 4 times during that time-period. 2 out of the 4 times I went I begged my boyfriend to bring me because if anyone has experienced panic-attacks, it’s absolutely terrifying to drive. I was very scared and had no one else around that late to bring me. Both times I asked and he said “No” because his child was sleeping and he didn’t want to wake her, or his words “I don’t want to drag my kid out of bed.” He wouldn’t budge on his decision. I also have a child the same age as his and I had no choice but to wake her up and bring her with me. 

I guess what hurts is that during an emergency he wouldn’t wake his daughter to drive the 10 minutes there, drop me off and then 10 minutes back. He didn’t want to wake her up yet I had to wake my child up. Part of me is hurt and the other part of me feels self-doubt because why should I be hurt from something like this, it’s only a 10-minute drive. I guess it’s the level of care/concern on his part. 

One evening I texted him I was having a panic-attack but he completely ignored my text and went straight to bed. He didn’t have his child there that night. I ended up in the ER that night too. The next day I asked why he didn’t respond to me as I was very scared and he said the way I worded my text didn’t seem like it needed attention or I needed help. He is very aware of my history with panic-attacks so it was strange to hear him say my wording wasn’t correct. 

I don’t have family close-enough to help in an emergency so he’s all I have. I’m not sure if he thinks this isn’t as serious as I experience it but the panic-attacks I have are scary, debilitating and I feel like I’m on the verge of death. I did call 911 once and an ambulance took me but I feel much, much safer with someone I know, especially in-panic. He offered to take my kid so I could drive myself but I told him it’s terrifying to drive.

I’m not sure what I’m looking for, maybe thoughts on this? It’s not that I’m not an understanding person when it comes to having kids but I had to wake mine up. Maybe he thinks is not that big of a deal and I can handle it myself. 

Edited March 18, 2022 by photography1987

[glows]

These panic attacks are happening in only the last 1.5 years? Do you know what’s triggering them? Are you seeking professional help for these panic attacks or discussing the frequency with your doctor?

I don’t think your boyfriend is obligated to drive you to the hospital especially while caring for his child. I see both sides and am reading the hurt in your words too.

Is there a particular reason why you feel safer with a regular layperson (your bf) driving as opposed to trained paramedics and professionals? That seems unusual to me as I would feel the opposite way. I ask to understand where these emotions or the anxiety is coming from. Have you had a negative experience in the past? 

Edited March 18, 2022 by glows

[elaine1975]

3 hours ago, photography1987 said:

I’m not sure what I’m looking for, maybe thoughts on this? It’s not that I’m not an understanding person when it comes to having kids but I had to wake mine up. Maybe he thinks is not that big of a deal and I can handle it myself. 

I understand him not wanting to drag his child out of bed when there are alternative ways for you to get to hospital, but you  mentioned  that you had to wake your child up - so obviously there's more involved, when you have panic attacks requiring hospital visits, than simply arranging transport to get to the hospital.  Care for your child in these situations is also an issue.

I  sympathise with the stress of panic attacks, and absolutely with not wanting to drive during one.  I have had occasional anxiety attacks.  Far more mild, and not requiring hospital treatment...but I certainly wouldn't want to drive anywhere during one.  My concern would be that you'd like your boyfriend to show he cares by dropping everything and taking on a rescuer role when you have an anxiety attack.  He's not playing, and I think he's actually being quite sensible in not playing.  The problem is that he's also opting out of having any sort of productive discussion with you about these expectations.  Maybe he just doesn't know how to have a conversation like that.  

If the panic attacks weren't a big enough deal for you to receive hospital treatment, presumably the hospital would be taking some action to dissuade you from making these visits.  So from what you've said, you do need to get treatment when this happens.  Four visits to ER in 18 months is a lot. Combine that with the fact that you have a child of your own who is being woken up during these visits and I think it's clear that you need to have some sort of plan in place for emergency transport and child care when this happens. I think hospitals generally have social work teams attached to them, and I would suggest you get in touch with that team, or else an advocacy worker within the hospital, so that you can discuss practical contingency plans for when this happens. 

First and most importantly because for your child's sake you do need to be proactive in that regard. As a potential positive side effect, more than anything else, I suspect your boyfriend will take the situation a bit more seriously when he sees you taking those proactive steps to handle the situation yourself.  In other words, rather than getting upset about the idea of him thinking you can handle this yourself, start looking at services that can help you to have an action plan in place when you have a panic attack. I think you'll find that every proactive step you take to create action plans for these emergencies will give you a little bit more confidence. 

Maybe once you have a bit more of that confidence, you and he can sit down and have an open discussion about what expectations you both have of each other in this relationship.  What I'm trying to say is that if you're not getting in touch with appropriate services to put together a care & action plan for times like this - particularly when you have a child who must find these situations very frightening -  then that might very well give your boyfriend the sense that you aren't taking the situation seriously enough.  I'm not underestimating the severity of your panic attacks, but as an adult and a mother you have got to start taking some responsibility for advance planning & organisation so that you can better manage this situation.

Edited March 18, 2022 by elaine1975

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, photography1987 said:

.One evening I texted him I was having a panic-attack but he completely ignored my text and went straight to bed. 

You need to call 911. 

It would be best to have an evaluation of your physical and mental health by a physician. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

There's many mental health resources available. Mental health hotlines, EMS, etc.

It's unfair to put all this on a single father. Your physical and mental health is your responsibility.

You can't really treat a BF as an oncall psychiatrist. In fact the wiser thing to do is call a mental health hotline.

 

[stillafool]

OP I sincerely hope you get help for your panic attacks fast because I don't see your bf staying with you for the long haul.  He is right to put his daughter's needs before yours.  She is his child and depends on him to do what is right for her.  She needs her rest.  Maybe it would be better for you to move close to where your family is so you will have support when this happens.  It's doubtful a bf will put up with this for the long haul.  

[SingFish]

12 hours ago, photography1987 said:

Maybe he thinks is not that big of a deal and I can handle it myself. 

I think you probably have to, no one is going to be able to drop everything to respond to you. As frightening as it feels to you a panic attack is not an emergency to other people. Why did you need to go to hospital?

Do you have a therapist? Make a plan for how you will handle and manage the panic attacks. 

[ShyViolet]

I don't mean to sound insensitive, I totally know what it feels like to have bad anxiety.

However, it sounds like he is losing patience for your repeated issues.  What are you doing to proactively treat your anxiety so you don't keep having these incidents of going to the ER?  Anything?  Or do you expect him to keep taking you to the ER?  If it's 10 minutes away, I must ask, why couldn't you take an Uber or a cab?

Are you under the care of a psychiatrist and are you going to therapy?  Have you been going to the doctor to get tests to rule out physical causes for whatever symptoms you get, so that next time you'll be able to have a little more reassurance that it's not a heart attack or whatever?

[ShyViolet]

OP, I know this is very overwhelming for you.  This is what you need to do.  First of all, go to the doctor and get a full workup based on what symptoms you get that make you feel like you're "dying".  They will probably do tests on your heart, breathing, bloodwork, and whatever else.  Once that's done, next time you feel like you're "dying" you will be less likely to go to the ER.  You'll know it's a panic attack.  Panic attacks feel terrifying but they can't kill you.  [ ] Not to mention that it's taking a toll on your relationship.

You also need to get into the care of a psychiatrist and begin therapy immediately if you are not already doing so.  It's your responsibility to do the work to manage this, show that you're taking the steps, and not just let it blow up into a disaster.  You'll still have anxiety.  Doing these things won't make it magically go away.  But you'll feel a lot better knowing that you're working on it and learning how to manage it.

Edited March 19, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic

[seeyoung87]

On 3/18/2022 at 12:22 AM, photography1987 said:

I’ve (34f) been suffering from severe panic-attacks for the past 1.5 years and had to go to the ER 4 times during that time-period. 2 out of the 4 times I went I begged my boyfriend to bring me because if anyone has experienced panic-attacks, it’s absolutely terrifying to drive. I was very scared and had no one else around that late to bring me. Both times I asked and he said “No” because his child was sleeping and he didn’t want to wake her, or his words “I don’t want to drag my kid out of bed.” He wouldn’t budge on his decision. I also have a child the same age as his and I had no choice but to wake her up and bring her with me. 

I guess what hurts is that during an emergency he wouldn’t wake his daughter to drive the 10 minutes there, drop me off and then 10 minutes back. He didn’t want to wake her up yet I had to wake my child up. Part of me is hurt and the other part of me feels self-doubt because why should I be hurt from something like this, it’s only a 10-minute drive. I guess it’s the level of care/concern on his part. 

One evening I texted him I was having a panic-attack but he completely ignored my text and went straight to bed. He didn’t have his child there that night. I ended up in the ER that night too. The next day I asked why he didn’t respond to me as I was very scared and he said the way I worded my text didn’t seem like it needed attention or I needed help. He is very aware of my history with panic-attacks so it was strange to hear him say my wording wasn’t correct. 

I don’t have family close-enough to help in an emergency so he’s all I have. I’m not sure if he thinks this isn’t as serious as I experience it but the panic-attacks I have are scary, debilitating and I feel like I’m on the verge of death. I did call 911 once and an ambulance took me but I feel much, much safer with someone I know, especially in-panic. He offered to take my kid so I could drive myself but I told him it’s terrifying to drive.

I’m not sure what I’m looking for, maybe thoughts on this? It’s not that I’m not an understanding person when it comes to having kids but I had to wake mine up. Maybe he thinks is not that big of a deal and I can handle it myself. 

How long have you two been together?  Did he know when you guys began dating that you have panic attacks?

[Els]

I've had several panic attacks and gradually learned to manage them.

The first time, it's understandable to want to go to the ER, maybe even the 2nd time. The 3rd, 4th, etc times, it is NOT. Sorry, but panic attacks are not life-threatening in and of themselves, it's just that some of the symptoms mirror those of life-threatening issues (which is why the first or second time it makes sense to go, to be sure that it's not something more serious). After that, you are taking up ER resources that actual ER patients need, and also there is nothing the ER can realistically do for you.

Have you seen a psychologist for this? They can be managed with therapy, certain types of long-term medications, breathing exercises and lifestyle changes. The ER provides none of the above, it is a placebo in your case, and you really really shouldn't be taking up a spot in the ER (or waking up a child) for a placebo.

Edited March 20, 2022 by Elswyth