lilac_1337fjf Posted March 17, 2022 Posted March 17, 2022 Hey all, So I'm a freshman in college, 19 years old and the guy in question is 18, also a freshman. We originally matched on Tinder over spring break and he messaged me, asking me out to dinner because he was spending the break in the city where I happen to live in. I asked if we could just hangout when we got back to school (we go to the same college, yay!), cus it would be a lot easier than having to meet up in the city which he agreed to. So, we hung out two days ago at dinner and I found out he's an international student from South Korea. He seemed really kind, but also very shy and introverted. Conversation flowed nicely though and I made him laugh a lot, which was nice (ngl, he's got an adorable smile). Afterward, we walked around for a bit but he had to go since he had a friend waiting on him to study as he told me they're engineering students. Right before we parted ways, he said something like "So, I'll see you again? Soon maybe?" And I was like "yeah of course, just let me know if you wanna hangout again". So since then, he's sent me pictures of himself usually with funny filters on snapchat which I send back. So here's the thing. I'm not really sure how to go about hanging out with him again. I admit I think he's totally cute and he's my type, but I'm in no rush to jump into anything and being just friends first is fine with me. I recently got out of a few month relationship, which I ended because I wasn't feeling it enough. With this guy though, when we met up, for the first time in my life, I was actually nervous to be around a guy. Butterflies and I almost dropped my tray at dinner. He only just started using social media though, like he just downloaded snapchat two weeks ago so he still doesn't really know how to use it. I could definitely see myself crushing on him (I think I already am), but I can't really apply American flirting and dating cues to him since it seems like his culture does that very differently. He did tell me he would probably be spending the summer in my city with his brother so he won't have to go back to Korea, which could be good too since I could maybe see him more. I just want to know if any of ya'll have experiences being friends with, or eventually dating a very introverted guy and how you managed to get things going? I do want to ask him to hang again, but since I already gave him the green light, I was hoping he might ask me out again. Because if he wants to see me again, he'd probably ask right?
Ami1uwant Posted March 17, 2022 Posted March 17, 2022 An issue dont confuse being introverted to someone having a language/ culture barrier
stillafool Posted March 17, 2022 Posted March 17, 2022 29 minutes ago, lilac_1337fjf said: Because if he wants to see me again, he'd probably ask right? Yes I would think so and the questions he asked about gettiing together in the future seems promising. I think you definitely showed him you were interested in getting together again so I would wait until he contacts you for a date. Who set up the first date? Was it him?
flitzanu Posted March 17, 2022 Posted March 17, 2022 maybe i'm wrong, but you could also ask him on a date. and use those words, "take you on a date" because if he's shy and possibly doesn't understand american culture ... it sounds like you're american and he is not raised here? i mean, barring any obscene cultural boundaries, suggesting you want to take him on a date to the park, to lunch, to a movie, and using the word "date" could help ease any of his fear. or, you wait and let him ask you on a date. 1
Author lilac_1337fjf Posted March 17, 2022 Author Posted March 17, 2022 9 minutes ago, stillafool said: Yes I would think so and the questions he asked about gettiing together in the future seems promising. I think you definitely showed him you were interested in getting together again so I would wait until he contacts you for a date. Who set up the first date? Was it him? Yup, he asked me to meet him for dinner in the city first. I couldn't then, so when we got back to school, I reached out to him and we went out for dinner at school. Not really sure if it was a date though, I phrased it as 'hanging out' to make it seem more lighthearted and casual.
glows Posted March 17, 2022 Posted March 17, 2022 (edited) He'll probably ask you out on a date again soon but if his pace is slow, ask him what he's doing this weekend and make a suggestion to meet at a favourite restaurant or some other. Offer to introduce him to something he may be interested in trying in your city. Edited March 17, 2022 by glows
Author lilac_1337fjf Posted March 17, 2022 Author Posted March 17, 2022 10 minutes ago, flitzanu said: maybe i'm wrong, but you could also ask him on a date. and use those words, "take you on a date" because if he's shy and possibly doesn't understand american culture ... it sounds like you're american and he is not raised here? i mean, barring any obscene cultural boundaries, suggesting you want to take him on a date to the park, to lunch, to a movie, and using the word "date" could help ease any of his fear. or, you wait and let him ask you on a date. Yeah, I'm Chinese but I've lived in the US my whole life. He's lived in Korea his whole life but his parents sent him to the States for college. I was thinking about asking that, but I've literally never had to ask a guy that before, so I feel like I'll come off awkward as hell haha. I'll think about it though, thanks!
flitzanu Posted March 17, 2022 Posted March 17, 2022 1 minute ago, lilac_1337fjf said: Yeah, I'm Chinese but I've lived in the US my whole life. He's lived in Korea his whole life but his parents sent him to the States for college. I was thinking about asking that, but I've literally never had to ask a guy that before, so I feel like I'll come off awkward as hell haha. I'll think about it though, thanks! i probably could have said that nicer, i meant to say, i'm pretty shy when it comes to asking girls out, so give it a few days, but if he doesn't ask you, and if you will regret it if you don't try, then go tell that shy boy you want to take him on a proper date to dinner and a movie.
Wiseman2 Posted March 17, 2022 Posted March 17, 2022 1 hour ago, lilac_1337fjf said: I do want to ask him to hang again, but since I already gave him the green light, I was hoping he might ask me out again. Keep the momentum going and it's ok to reciprocate and ask him out to something. Find something interesting to do and ask he would like to go.
poppyfields Posted March 17, 2022 Posted March 17, 2022 (edited) 2 hours ago, lilac_1337fjf said: We originally matched on Tinder over spring break and he messaged me, asking me out to dinner because he was spending the break in the city where I live... ^^Doesn't sound all that shy to me. Could it be possible he's just not that interested? Edited March 17, 2022 by poppyfields 1
Author lilac_1337fjf Posted March 17, 2022 Author Posted March 17, 2022 9 minutes ago, poppyfields said: ^^Doesn't sound all that shy to me. Could it be possible he's just not that interested? Yea you're right. I mean in person I mean he was really soft spoken and was stuttering a bit. I thought maybe it was me, but we actually ran into his friend while we were walking around campus after dinner and he was pretty shy with him too so I figured maybe that's just his personality. That's why I'm not so sure.
SumGuy Posted March 17, 2022 Posted March 17, 2022 4 hours ago, lilac_1337fjf said: Hey all, ...He did tell me he would probably be spending the summer in my city with his brother so he won't have to go back to Korea, which could be good too since I could maybe see him more. I just want to know if any of ya'll have experiences being friends with, or eventually dating a very introverted guy and how you managed to get things going? I do want to ask him to hang again, but since I already gave him the green light, I was hoping he might ask me out again. Because if he wants to see me again, he'd probably ask right? Introverted guy here. Can say when I was younger, what you posted would not necessarily be a green light to a shy guy, just not a red light. He may have thought you were just being nice. Self doubt, insecurity, and lack of expereince can paly a big part, and that all gets worse when you really like the other person. Fear of rejection and messing it up and not having expereince on what to do. So he could well want to see you again but be afraid and not know how to best ask. Now once he overcomes this, things could go great. My advice is to ask him out, and heck even ley him know you like him and even if you want to kiss him. That first kiss can be a huge barrier when one is shy. If you want to really be in the know, you can let him know you make the first move as it can be hard for a good guy to tell sometimes if she likes him or is just being nice and he doesn't want to offend. You just want him to know that yes you like him that way. After that, for him to step up. 2
mortensorchid Posted March 17, 2022 Posted March 17, 2022 Remember you could have some cultural differences at work here. Asians are often times very silent, coming off as shy and introverted to us (as Americans), polite and respectful to others. As a teacher, I LOVE working with them because they are so respectful and do what they're told. But I digress ... My best suggestion is to read up on cultural differences and behaviors of Koreans, especially in this department. But even information that you read (like in published dating guides whoever they are aimed at), don't always apply to everyone and everything. In my experience, I have determined that if and when the guy wants to see or talk to you, he should make some kind of an effort to do so. Shy? Too busy? He might be, but chances are he's not shy or too busy to do other things. Just some food for thought. 1
Author lilac_1337fjf Posted March 18, 2022 Author Posted March 18, 2022 3 hours ago, SumGuy said: Introverted guy here. Can say when I was younger, what you posted would not necessarily be a green light to a shy guy, just not a red light. He may have thought you were just being nice. Self doubt, insecurity, and lack of expereince can paly a big part, and that all gets worse when you really like the other person. Fear of rejection and messing it up and not having expereince on what to do. So he could well want to see you again but be afraid and not know how to best ask. Now once he overcomes this, things could go great. My advice is to ask him out, and heck even ley him know you like him and even if you want to kiss him. That first kiss can be a huge barrier when one is shy. If you want to really be in the know, you can let him know you make the first move as it can be hard for a good guy to tell sometimes if she likes him or is just being nice and he doesn't want to offend. You just want him to know that yes you like him that way. After that, for him to step up. Yess, I don't think he's ever had a girlfriend before. I know it's only been two days, so it's way too early to be over analyzing haha, but yeah, I'm pretty bad at making first moves so I almost never do. He also told me how he usually falls asleep at 7 am (from playing video games and doing homework all night), then wakes up at 4 or 5 pm in the afternoon, aside from the few times he wakes up randomly to send a text or cute picture of himself to me at around 1 or 2 pm before going back to sleep LOL. He usually has night classes, apparently. Our campus is massive and we have no classes together, so calling each other up is pretty much the only way to hang out. I feel like it's way too soon to be telling him if I like him or not...and since he asked me out the first time, I feel like he wouldn't have a problem asking again if he wanted to. You still think I should just suck it up and ask him to hang or let him do it?
glows Posted March 18, 2022 Posted March 18, 2022 You’re really overthinking this. Did you both talk about what you like to do on that first date such as hobbies or interests? Invite him out to do something this weekend. Why does it matter what anyone else thinks you should do if you already know you’d like to spend time with him?
Alpacalia Posted March 18, 2022 Posted March 18, 2022 Agree with SumGuy. The overall tone of your responses to him seems a tad passive. I'm sure it wasn't your intention but your responses comes across almost as if an inconvenience or afterthought for you: 14 hours ago, lilac_1337fjf said: he messaged me, asking me out to dinner because he was spending the break in the city where I happen to live in. I asked if we could just hangout when we got back to school (we go to the same college, yay!), cus it would be a lot easier than having to meet up in the city which he agreed to. 14 hours ago, lilac_1337fjf said: "So, I'll see you again? Soon maybe?" And I was like "yeah of course, just let me know if you wanna hangout again". I could be mistaken, but that's the tone I sensed.
Wiseman2 Posted March 18, 2022 Posted March 18, 2022 7 hours ago, lilac_1337fjf said: I should just suck it up and ask him to hang or let him do it? Why not be polite and reciprocate? After all he invited you to dinner. You can't think of something fun to invite him to? If you like him, don't play games. Maybe he's a bit young for you, but you can still go out as friends.
Author lilac_1337fjf Posted March 18, 2022 Author Posted March 18, 2022 13 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Why not be polite and reciprocate? After all he invited you to dinner. You can't think of something fun to invite him to? If you like him, don't play games. Maybe he's a bit young for you, but you can still go out as friends. Cus I can be so damn awkward when making plans, not even just with guys but people in general haha. I'm used to boys making the first move, that's how my other relationships have started, but yeah, maybe it's time I try to reciprocate a little. Thanks! 1
smackie9 Posted March 19, 2022 Posted March 19, 2022 (edited) You can show him in other ways that you like him without telling him, with hints like texting cute emojis, sending him a cute picture of yourself, looking cute and smile lots when you are with him, use your body language by laughing at his jokes, a soft touch of his arm, the old leaning in to talk to him, or putting your hair behind your ear, etc. Maybe make hints how you would like to go do some thing and hope he picks up on that. The only way to make this really work is to have confidence in yourself, and he will follow suit...it's called mirroring. So if you are awkward, he's going to be awkward....work it girl you can do this! Edited March 19, 2022 by smackie9
Author lilac_1337fjf Posted March 19, 2022 Author Posted March 19, 2022 Okay, update: Soo, I actually ran into one of his friends who's also Korean by chance today on campus. I had no idea who he was, but he stopped me and asked me if I was the one going out with his friend - the guy I'm interested in - cause apparently, he saw us while we were on our 'date' thing the other day. I said I wasn't sure because we really only hung out one time and his friend started explaining how it's typical for them to keep themselves, and how a lot of Korean international students don't tend to mingle with domestic students because it's more comfortable to just to stick with what they're familiar with. I mean, my crush has sent me a few pics over the last few days with his other guy friends so I figured that by now, since he has time to hang with them, he's probably just not into me. But his friend told me how he was talking about me last night and just to be patient cus my crush "needs to grow a pair". I LOLed at that. HIs friend seems very different from him. But yeah, so now I'm not sure what to do. I figure I could just do what his friend said and keep the momentum going with pics and stuff and maybe when he gets more comfortable, he might ask me out again?
Alpacalia Posted March 19, 2022 Posted March 19, 2022 (edited) He mentioned you to his friend, so that's a plus! I have one male friend who said he had a "thing" for me for years. He is an outgoing individual and people are naturally drawn to him because he has a charismatic personality. So even some men can get tongue-tied. And this wasn't someone that is considered 'shy' by any means! Maybe that's the case for him with you. His friend said just be patient. If you decide that you want to move things along at some point, you could always say you're going to x, y, and z and ask him if he'd like to come. Edited March 19, 2022 by Alpaca
Wiseman2 Posted March 20, 2022 Posted March 20, 2022 12 hours ago, lilac_1337fjf said: his friend started explaining how it's typical for them to keep themselves, and how a lot of Korean international students don't tend to mingle with domestic students because it's more comfortable to just to stick with what they're familiar with. Invite him out. It's your turn to reciprocate. Don't depend on hearsay and stereotyping. Think for yourself and perceive what's in front of you He asked you out, he seems interested. Your stereotyping theory makes no sense about "stick to themselves" . He made the first move and asked you out right? Also after one date you're both still talking to meeting and dating others. If you are interested, be polite and reciprocate his kindness and interest. Suggest a fun thing to do. If you are generally too shy to date, that's ok but you'll need to improve social skills sooner or later. 1
SumGuy Posted March 20, 2022 Posted March 20, 2022 On 3/17/2022 at 8:58 PM, lilac_1337fjf said: ...I feel like it's way too soon to be telling him if I like him or not...and since he asked me out the first time, I feel like he wouldn't have a problem asking again if he wanted to. You still think I should just suck it up and ask him to hang or let him do it? Different levels of like, from undying love to interest enough to kiss to just hang out. It really comes down to do you want to be passive and reactive (wait for him) or proactive and ask him. Their is always the danger of rejection if one is proactive, but I believe people fear rejection way too much and somehow take it as some absolute measure of them and just not the other persons preference or feelings at the time. Oddly I recall and observe such fear seems to be worse when one is young. He seems to be living life on the nigh shift. That can make it hard to make plans and it screws with most peoples biorhythms. My son once worked the night shift, his 9am was like most people's 9pm.
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